After successful disengaging Step daughter may be back
I posted on here around 6 months ago. As a bit of background my husbands daughter has always been manipulative. All sweet around husband but when she and I were alone very sarcastic and was only ever interested in me if I bought her things. She was an only child for 8/9 years and she's very entitled. Bit like her mum. My husband and I had countless arguments as he struggled to see what was going on. I dreaded every weekend she came to stay because I felt like an outsider in my own home. She would demand secret talks with her dad in my kitchen (usually to tell stories on my daughter) and I would be sat like a gooseberry waiting like an idiot to get back to my kitchen to prepare food etc. I could write a list as long as my arm honestly. I'd paid for us all to go on a family day which cost me a fortune and later that evening I was attending to laundry upstairs when I heard her crying , sobbing to her mum on the phone that she'd had the worst day ever. Anyway, I had planned on disengaging but was not sure how I realistically do that as she would be at my home.
then out of no where around 9 months ago husband goes to collect her and she is refusing to get in the car. She's crying like mad ( she is 10 nearly 11). She won't tell him why he drives off and then thinks he will try again to talk her round, he goes back and her step dad and her grandad are there all cuddling her saying she doesn't want to go with her dad. That was the last time she has ever gone with her dad besides the time it was her birthday and she happily let him take her shopping and spend money on her. Just like she takes the Christmas money we post her but can't say merry Christmas or happy birthday in even a text.
so we never got to the bottom of it but her mum claims all of a sudden she has an anxiety disorder but it's only with her dad. She can still stay at friends over night , even my husbands mothers but not at ours. Selfishly I felt relieved it was as if harmony had been restored and I didn't have to have that feeling of dread each weekend.
husband tried countless times to call and see her but she wasn't interested. So he left it that when she's ready she can let him know. The step daughter didn't turn up to the wedding ( was meant to be bridesmaid alongside my daughter ) there was no good luck text to her dad, nothing. She had blocked me and my kids on her phone and my daughter 
was devastated. We had all welcomed this child into our home (it had been my house before I met my husband) and she just treats people like crap.
so yesterday husband gets a call from cafcass to say that the child's mum ( who loved the fact and supported child in not seeing her dad) has applied to the court for husband to see her again. There's a few things here, why now? She's still not even text her dad , never apologised to him or my little girl (I personally don't want an apology ). I doubt step daughter wants this so must be the mum behind this. Is it that she didn't realise the impact of not encouraging her daughter to go with her dad has backfired some how ? Honestly the kid doesn't miss her dad she ignores him. It is like she punished him for being with me. Yet she sees MIL countless times a week. Could it be that the ex just wanted my husband to beg to see her (which is what he used to do) and now that he's stopped she needs to reignite it all again ?
my biggest worry is what does this mean now ? I've had 9 months of everything being calm and now is she just waltzing back in here like nothing happened? I get my husband needs to see his daughter. But even he is getting fed up of being treated like this by a child. Just waiting for the hearing date...
Just my opinion but
Sounds to me like Mum and Stepdad are fed up with not having the occasional weekend “off” or maybe SD is now pulling the same crap on Stepdad as she did on you and their marriage is suffering. I would suggest to you and your DH that
These are sensible requests for a child who inexplicably developed a mysterious intermittent anxiety condition that affected only her relationship with her father. And this way, you and DD have a breathing space before you ever have to see her again and your first encounters with her will be on neutral ground in a counsellor’s office.
I doubt the judge will order all that, especially if Mum maintains the story that she is recovered now, but you and your DH can still make those conditions for yourselves. Highly unlikely that SD will agree.
And remember, it’s YOUR house. You decide what is best for you and your DD’s mental and physical wellbeing. Toxic people are not welcome.
That's great advice thank you
That's great advice thank you
The kid is 10. How many good
The kid is 10. How many good/mature decisions did you make when you were 10?Her parents did her a huge disservice by not enforcing visits in the first place. You're saying she doesn't miss dad, she doesn't reply to texts, calls. That's all irrelevant. She *has* to see her dad just like she *has* to go to school. 10 year olds don't make good decisions. Sometimes even adults make plenty of bad decisions, let alone a 10 year old. Kids need to be guided and told what to do by their parents. If your husband is tired of being treated like that by a child, he should change his methods of parenting and not treat a 10 year old like an adult.
Exactly - you use the same
Exactly - you use the same analogy as I did! I constantly say she doesn't know what's in her best interests but the parents should, and I used school as an example. If kids were allowed the choice they'd not go to school. Some kids cry at the gates and we as parents see past the tears as we know school is in their best interests. Husband should have just got her in the car in my opinion and the mother should have had supported that.
Do not ever allow yourself to
Do not ever allow yourself to be put in the corner while SD and your husband take over your kitchen. They can go to the park or something if they need alone time. Nobody ever should have catered to her dictating visitation. My guess is that she's becoming too much for BM, who wants a break. Your husband does not sound equipped to stand up to her in the way he should, in order to parent her effectively.
This is the thing, he has got
This is the thing, he has got better but his own mother and sister undermine him and side with the ex and say things like " she's got anxiety " they are all enablers. Had so many rows over this it's untrue and when things had finally settled down all of sudden she wants contact again. The draft court order says 3 hours every other week but subject to the step child wanting to see her dad that day due to anxiety and school homework - she's 10 ! Do the school homework outside those three hours. Apparently she had counselling but we were told by ex's solicitor it's confidential and parents don't get to see any reports etc.
This makes no sense. No state
This makes no sense. No state gives 10 year olds the right to consent to medial care. DH should contact the office directly if he wants those records.