He's been a brat to this last 2 yrs, spoiled entitled and enmeshed with his mother. Our relationship I suppose, wasn't helped by the fact we weren't really around each other until I'd had an ours baby and he enjoyed trying to entice her down stairs and kick footballs at her head full tilt lol.
At one point I thought I hated him. Lately he seems to be to be engaging on a friendship level. He likes cooking with me, engaging with music and travel talk. I'm hopeful we will become friendly aquantainces going forward, but I hardly expect to be invited to sit at the top table at his wedding lol
For more than 15 years. There was never overt conflict with SD (now in her 30s) but never any attempt to connect at even the most basic level. Still (essentially) zero effort. On the rare occasions I see her she is polite but cold.
I have had more warm exchanges in a single encounter with a stranger in a store than I've had with SD over all these years.
OSS is a young adult. I've been in his life since he was 11. We have a good relationship, though I would say I put more effort into it than he does (which makes sense given his age). I've never had much conflict with him, but he's struggling to launch fully into adulthood so I can foresee some struggle in the near future. He has a very stoic personality and keeps a lot inside, so that "helps" us avoid conflict.
My SD's are both adults in their 20's now. I came in their lives at 5 and 9 a few years after their parents split up. It was not without some bumps in the road, but I would say that my relationship with my YSD is very close, she looks to me for advice and says "I love yous" etc... OSD was always a bit more difficult child. i think she blamed both her parents for not being more into getting her materialistic things.. and was always more distant. BUT.. now she is an adult with her own complex situation with kids and a DH that is not ideal... She is cordial to me.. nice but we don't see her a whole lot. We see YSD more in a social way.. she goes on vacations with us etc.. but moved away and is getting married.. so that will change a little I guess.
Over the years, they have been sometimes good and sometimes not about recognizing me for birthdays, mothers day etc.. but it is more of a factor that our family isn't big on gifting during the holidays.. while BM expects more. They do for me about what they do for their dad. I have gotten flowers and gifts and texts.. not consistent.. but not in a punitive way.
Their mom was more of a problem and there were occasional butting of heads.. but for Steplife.... I have had it easier than many on here. BUT.. it was work on my end too. Compromise and selflessness.. I'm not saying that guarantys a good outcome.. but if you don't do that I think it's a lot less likely you will have a good outcome.
Like many others on here, I was "selfless and made compromises" and still didn't have a good outcome.
My ex SD was determined not to accept me, so nothing I could have done would have made any difference.
Additionally, again we have the theme that it's the woman who has to put in all the effort, be selfless etc - what about the Dad stepping up and actually parenting his child properly?
I did give it my best for 12 years but after a humiliating event, I dropped the rope and have not looked back. I was the giver, they were the takers. The absolutely ONLY times I ever heard from DHs kids was when they needed something from me. I've not seen them in 4 years and don't foresee having to be in contact with them anytime soon. DH sees his kids away from our home and he keeps their business to himself. Should something happen to DH, I will NEVER see those people again.
My SKs were very young when we got together as a family (3 and under). My BKs weren't much older. But we are as thoroughly blended as can be. I adore them and they are wonderful, kind, considerate people. Both my SKs take the time to call and chat regularly (either with me or with their father, or sometime both!), show up for family events (not just the big gift giving ones, also the small ones, the ad hoc get togethers and events for each other). They have each other's backs (we've heard of the kids loaning each other money or giving each other rides which makes me hopeful that even after DH and I pass they will be there for each other). They're all pretty good about reaching out to the extended family (grandparents, aunt, uncle) to wish a happy birthday, or share an exciting or funny moment in their lives.
They weren't always perfect. We had the typical teen years where they each found their own path to cut the apron strings and move from kids to adults. But that was more quiet stress and worry (and the occasional help with a disaster) rather than what I see with some teens. There was never a stage of yelling or anger, never any drugs or illegal activity. Just quiet rebellion against their parents' old fashioned rules and expectations.
I'm very fortunate to have kids and SKs that I genuinely enjoy spending time with. They're all adults now, so it's great to like them as people as well as love them as our kids.
You won't find that story a lot here. People whose kids and SKs are great don't usually find this place unless the other bioparent is causing grief. So this site is heavily skewed to the darker more frustrating side of step life. Which isn't a bad thing - it makes for a great place to get advice from people who are living the stuff no one else believes is possible! Just know that there are a lot of great relationships out there as well, they just don't need to be here!
Not particularly, and never really. I have no relationship or contact with SD unless unavoidable, and I have a very basic one with SS; on the same sort of level you'd have with an acquaintance you're friendly with. Nothing more than small talk.
I have been in their lifes for 13 years. SS23 and I have always been close. He is a loving, caring young man and we can talk about anything and everything.
SS19 and I always had an ok relationship. Believe it or not, he is the one I spent most time with during his younger years. I was his biggest fan but we always kept each other at arms length. Once he pulled called DFS with lies, I keep him even farther away from me. We acknowledge each other and he tries to talk to me, but I only give him one word answers.
My SKs are in their 50's and 60's now. SD60 has always and continues to be a difficult person. I can't stand her for good reasons but maintain a polite and civil relationship for DH"s sake. OSS58 is a dear person I love. We've always gotten along and I trust him. YSS54 and I have a distant, but respectful, relationship.
I relate to them as individuals instead of as "the SKs". But we all lived together for years so I got a chance to know them in depth.
Skids don't go out of their way for me, don't call on my birthday, etc. But when we are together, they are pleasant enough. And they don't use the grandkids as weapons.
Two of SO's adult SK's never wanted to meet me (which is fine - at least they are up front about it). Bratty McBratFace is an unlikeable entitled...well, brat. I've accepted that I just don't like her as a person.
I have a great relationship with my SS30 and SDIL26. I actually love SS like my own. I didn't always. As a teen, he actually stood against the mini-wife, manipulative SD32 and stood up for me. SS and I have each other's backs.
SD32 - well it's improved a ton, which I honestly never thought would happen. Something happened when she became a mom over 14 months ago. She actually thanked me for being a good grandmother to her baby and she is very connected with DH and I as far as her baby goes. In the past SD and I HATED each other's guts. I think I've changed too. I actually told her what a great mom she is and she cried. If anyone remembers my past blogs and comments, they'll shit reading this because SD was so enmeshed with Daddddeeeee and did everything to exclude me. Recently BM had a shit hemorrhage because she did what she does best: excludes people, especially me. Well, SD wasn't having it and wants her baby to have as many people love him as possible and for him to love lots of people. It's as if she finally saw the light as to what her mother does. SD actually protected me from BM. I was so stunned.
I've been around for 26 years. I think my history has bought me a lot of respect. SS has no conscious memory of a time without me. My SKs were 5 and 7 when I came along.
I've been embracing/owning the matriarch role more than ever lately. It's increased communication between myself and the SKs. DH and I have been in couples counselling since last year and I found a better individual therapist. The progress seems very slow, but DH and I are learning and changing a lot. This time last year I had an exit plan and was very depressed.
SD isn't talking to BM right now and hasn't for weeks. Apparently SD is tired of BM trying to "hog" SGS and SD and causing SD to be distant with everyone else in her life. DH and I aren't sure if it's SD having a baby or if it's her SO who has influenced her but something definitley changed in SD.
I follow your comments and my heart and stomach turned for you.
Wowza that things are turning around for ya. You got the award for the most clingy, most self absorbed mini wife on here. Yet look at things now. Not to mention it seems like your DH has pulled his head out of SD's ass and came up for air . So glad he has turned a corner to.
Yes, I did. xBF had three girls. The oldest was BM's golden child: spoiled, conceited, entitled, so I didn't like her but she rarely came around and wasn't hostile towards me. The youngest was okay, super shy and picky eater. The middle was a joy.
SD and I were oil and water. We had nothing in common other than DH. She wanted daddio all to herself so she could have constant arse kissing. He was no prize and he lived to kiss her arse. I let ex SD keep daddio all to her princess self. He went back to BM after I tossed him to the curb. What that really meant was ex DH went back to his mini wife, and BM is the maid for them. Pretty flucked up situation.
Yes. There was a lot of conflict; mostly because of lies told by BioHo (BM). Part of it was DH being a Disney Dad and part was me trying to help.
I stopped trying (and disengaged), DH stopped being a Disney Dad, and the skids learned BioHo was a lying 'ho. Our relationships began improving about 4 years ago.
I had a rocky relationship with them at the start (ages 7 & 9) then a good one for a couple years until OSD was around 12, then she started pulling back and arguing and only wanted to do her stuff. DH didn't back me up on pretty much anything so I started withdrawing - she noticed but I was clear in my interactions with her (consequences for poor behavior or rudeness means I don't do fun things and yes, you are old enough to clean up your own stuff).
YSD and I were pretty close until I'd say a year ago, when she turned 15. She started doing some normal teenage withdrawing but also developed some very odd behaviors and DH would not step up his game and wouldn't let me do so either, so I had to start disengaging. There's still times when we interact well, and she knows I would be there if she needs it, but I don't get involved in much any longer.
When I was married? No. I would describe my relationship w/ my ex-SS as "cold civiity." I would describe my relationship with ex-SD as "white-hot hostility," as she actively worked to make my life a living hell. In almost 20 years together, never a single "Happy Birthday," Christmas card, etc.
In my current (unmarried) situation, I would describe it as "cold civility" with both my SO's son (aka "SOS") and daughter "(aka "SOD"). It's a little better with the boy, we can at least talk about video games and some anime stuff. The daughter has the personality of a cinder block, and the only thing she cares about is smothering her disinterested baby-daddy, and smoking weed. Sadly, that is a major improvement for her, at least she is no longer actively encouraging her mother to date other men (at least not openly).
No, Met him when he was 14 ,Seemed a shy normal teenage kid, I kinda got the vibe so your my mum's boyfriend well I'm her Son so let's leave it at that,When he was 19 20 he lived with us for a month,After a week I saw him as a pot head unygenic smelly kinda guy but thought he'll be gone by next week,After that I didn't see him again until he moved back in with his Mum at 25,3 years later he's still there,He is lazy unemployed unygenic and a major pot user,He says hi bye(when he wants to) and that's about it... I just focus on my own two kids and their (his) Mother..
It went from me thinking what a sweet little guy, to how annoying. Around the time he hit teenage years, he was ok, and having my first child helped me to feel less like an outsider too. I thought he was a great big brother to my kids when they were born. Adult, same thing. He'd come visit, play with them, occasionally take them somewhere once She Devil came along. That's his wife now. I always had a gut feeling that She Devil didn't like me. She was always polite, it was just a vibe I got. Apparently I was right. She deliberately got drama stirred up and a year later I sensed a shift with Lying Ingrate SS. He claimed to love me like a mother but his actions didn't match up. I pulled away, there was a pointless conversation, and that's all she wrote. Everything coming to a head unfortunately happened around the time Lying Ingrate and She Devil had a baby. My anxiety ramped up after that. I think it was intuition telling me things were wrong and about to get worse. It's really for the best. I think they would have used their innocent spawn as a weapon somehow. Better to never be in his life than to get attached and decide I can't deal with his parents anymore and hurt him by leaving. That is, if he would have been allowed to have any sort of relationship with me. I do hope that She Devil has a DIL just like her someday. Wait, no, I hope she gets one who sees through her and puts her in her place. Her beef with me was all about me standing up to MIL and supposedly letting my mother do whatever she wanted when it came to my bios. My mother wasn't ever a problem. She respected me and DH as parents and did whatever we asked. I think She Devil had to have disliked me for other reasons too. Strange thing is she doesn't seem to like MIL much either. She absolutely despised BM who is now deceased. So I don't know what her problems with me were. Don't care either. Now their child has no grandparents in his life as She Devil's parents are both gone. Should DH choose to speak to them again it will have to be outside of our home. They are not allowed here.
I would say yes and no. Though my SD is not an adult yet. She is 12 but her maturity level is one of a 5-7 year old. When I first started seeing DBF and I had finally met SD12, we got along pretty well. My DD13 and I moved in after a year of dating, and after 2 years of dating me and DBF bought a house together, she started acting up. She was clingy with DBF before, but now is SUPER clingy and has to be the center of attention. So it's more of me not expanding that relationship with her because I am automatically annoyed that she needs to be cottled. She sometimes has an awful attitude, and leaves her garbage and things around the house and has to be told several times to pick up after herself. She rolls her eyes at me on the daily when we have her so I am finding it really hard lately to connect with her.
I am hoping that we eventually have a better relationship and she stops with the whole mini wife syndrome. DBF is doing his part but she's still trying to cling and get her way with stuff....frustrating.
I have had both positive and negative experiences with stepkids.
I had a stepdaughter in my first marriage 14 years ago. She and I bonded and got along well. Though I have divorced her dad 10 years ago, she is 17 now and we still talk and are close. She actually wanted to continue a relationship with me after I left her dad. This relationship developed between me and her because her parents got along and parented her. I was treated as a parent but was not expected to do everything, and she was taught to be respectful of me. Basically, her dad and her mom insisted she respect me as a parent, because they considered me her parent too, and she did, no problem.
Now in my current marriage, things are different. My SS is 21, won't work and his dad enables him. His mother and father haven't always gotten along and since daddy babies him, he is attached to daddy at the hip. He only goes around his mother when she is taking him somewhere fun or there is something in it for him (like allowing his girlfriend to stay overnight, something I refuse to do). I am not allowed to parent him, advise him or voice any concerns I have about him. My husband very much keeps his and his son's relationship separate from me. So basically, I tolerate his stepson but resent him and don't like him. And his stepson never really talks to me. It's sad. I am in the process of leaving his father, so after the divorce, I will not maintain any kind of relationship with this failure to launch.
I know that's kind of a mixed answer. I really think it boils down to how the parents deal with/raise the child and how the parents feel about you. My stepson's mom never really liked me and my husband treats me like garbage too, so why would his son treat me any different? The only thing my stepson and his dad want are my paychecks. But, that's all about to stop as I am leaving this situation.
I have a wonderful relationship with both my DSS's, since the beginning. I came into their lives when they were young boys (grad school age). I think it helped because they were so emotionally starved by their bio mom that any support or kindness was like gold to them. They are both grown men now, both married and successful....best of all, they call me at least once a week just to talk. I was truly blessed as I know this isn't the norm. FYI, they were "baggage" to their bio mom until I came into the picture, then she tried to be MOTY. They were too leery of her, due to the past, so it didn't work.
Most of the times it's a huge burden. I am totally pro divorce but it got me to the point thinking if divorce should even be allowed when there are kids... If DH had stayed with his baby mama, he wouldn't have brought suffering to so many people. He's on his third marriage, two kids from two different mothers... It's a gift that just keeps on giving. Hatred and destroyed relationships all around. It's maths: if he had remained married in the first place, he would have been the only one miserable. Divorcing has made his kid mad, his ex wife mad, his ex mother in law mad. Only made his new wife and hin happy. By that time is was 3-2.
Soon after his ex wife became miserable too because syepkid, but continued to have a child with him. So... Miserable: ex ex wife, ex wife, ex ex mother in law, son. Happy: DH and new daughter. So 4 - 2.
After his ex wife became miserable, soon after he was miserable too. So he remarried (me), so his daughter became unhappy too, and his ex wife furious and his ex mother in law enraged. But for a very short time I was happy and so was my son. So...
Unhappy: ex ex wife, ex wife, son, daughter, ex ex mother in law, ex mother in law.
Happy: DH, me, my son.
6 - 3
Not surprisingly surrounded by all this hate, it didn't take long for me and my son to become unhappy too.
8 - 1
And if I'm being true, let's face it: he can't be happy with this situation. 9 - 0.
So... Long story short. Which one would you rather have? 2 - 1? Or 9 - 0? Simple math. Divorce shouldn't be allowed.
I was thinking the same about my DH. The BM couldn't keep her panties up out of his presence over and over with different guys (maybe even gals) and wouldn't stop when given the chance. He should've just waited until she'd sown her final oat and kept his kids happy. Instead, he did what most sane people would've done, divorced her likely std-laden ass. And then another divorce because that woman couldn't deal with the drama they all caused-it made her literary ill. And her I type. Wink
My SD's were 4 and 7 when my DH and I got together. They are now 22 and 25. We had them 2 weeks out of each month. It was hell. I had to detach the last 5 years. I did so much for them, at times more so than their own parents and I've received 0 appreciation or respect. I can honestly say I do not care to have any kind of relationship with them. It will probably be superficial for the rest of our lives, even though they live right down the road I am blessed to only have to see them a few times a year. My DH's relationship with them is on him. I want no parts.
My SD was 5 when I became a part of her life. DH had full custody. When she was 8, BM returned to the picture. Things began deteriorating fast. She turned into a mini BM. Now that we have an ours baby, she is a total monster. I don't see it reverting back anytime soon.
She's in another state so the view from my house is fine. We recently had some drama that her 17 year old wanted to move in with us. DH said no, raise your own kids.
I've gotten to a place where I can just laugh. Last time we saw her the boyfriend wasn't around. I assumed it was work related. Nope, he was at the Gray Bar Inn. She tried to say he had a probation violation because he was supposed to be going to AA and didn't. She said, but he's been sober 5 years. I said the last time we were at your house he was drinking whisky straight from the bottle in the kitchen with his brother. That shut her up.
I am so sorry for anyone who sadly believes this "gets better" with time... All you can do is to protect yourself from these heartless Vultures- because they are waiting to swoop down on you for their financial feed...
with skids are for the following ingredients to be present:
1. You're a stepDAD and the BM backs you
OR
You are a SM and the following ingredientS are present (you must have ALL of these present or else forget it)
1. BioDAD backs you
2. BM is mature and acts responsibly
3. In-Laws (HIS parents) don't play favourites
4. BioDAD and BM parent responsibly and continue to do so after the breakup/divorce
5. BioDAD and the BM instill respect for ALL adults in their children
6. Neither BioDAD nor BM try to offload their parental duties onto SM, neither financial, emotional, psychological, etc.
7. Skids are not given "adult spousal status" nor are they treated as confidants (PAS)
8. Skids are not treated as golden tickets for CS cash prizes (especially not by the BM)
9. BioDAD is not impoverished after CS is taken
10. Skids are disciplined and given age appropriate responsibilities/tasks as they mature. They are expected to launch and not infantalized nor coddled.
IOW Good Luck if you are a SM....you'll need it!
(In my case, both parents did exactly the opposite of all the ingredients leading to PASing out and estrangement well into their twenties despite having known them from 18 mos to 5 yrs old)
Nope
No never.
My relationship
With skid is now developing, fingers xd.
He's been in my life since 6, he's 13 this year.
He's been a brat to this last 2 yrs, spoiled entitled and enmeshed with his mother. Our relationship I suppose, wasn't helped by the fact we weren't really around each other until I'd had an ours baby and he enjoyed trying to entice her down stairs and kick footballs at her head full tilt lol.
At one point I thought I hated him. Lately he seems to be to be engaging on a friendship level. He likes cooking with me, engaging with music and travel talk. I'm hopeful we will become friendly aquantainces going forward, but I hardly expect to be invited to sit at the top table at his wedding lol
No.
For more than 15 years. There was never overt conflict with SD (now in her 30s) but never any attempt to connect at even the most basic level. Still (essentially) zero effort. On the rare occasions I see her she is polite but cold.
I have had more warm exchanges in a single encounter with a stranger in a store than I've had with SD over all these years.
Same
Same
OSS is a young adult. I've
OSS is a young adult. I've been in his life since he was 11. We have a good relationship, though I would say I put more effort into it than he does (which makes sense given his age). I've never had much conflict with him, but he's struggling to launch fully into adulthood so I can foresee some struggle in the near future. He has a very stoic personality and keeps a lot inside, so that "helps" us avoid conflict.
Yes I do.
Yes I do.
My SD's are both adults in their 20's now. I came in their lives at 5 and 9 a few years after their parents split up. It was not without some bumps in the road, but I would say that my relationship with my YSD is very close, she looks to me for advice and says "I love yous" etc... OSD was always a bit more difficult child. i think she blamed both her parents for not being more into getting her materialistic things.. and was always more distant. BUT.. now she is an adult with her own complex situation with kids and a DH that is not ideal... She is cordial to me.. nice but we don't see her a whole lot. We see YSD more in a social way.. she goes on vacations with us etc.. but moved away and is getting married.. so that will change a little I guess.
Over the years, they have been sometimes good and sometimes not about recognizing me for birthdays, mothers day etc.. but it is more of a factor that our family isn't big on gifting during the holidays.. while BM expects more. They do for me about what they do for their dad. I have gotten flowers and gifts and texts.. not consistent.. but not in a punitive way.
Their mom was more of a problem and there were occasional butting of heads.. but for Steplife.... I have had it easier than many on here. BUT.. it was work on my end too. Compromise and selflessness.. I'm not saying that guarantys a good outcome.. but if you don't do that I think it's a lot less likely you will have a good outcome.
Like many others on here, I
Like many others on here, I was "selfless and made compromises" and still didn't have a good outcome.
My ex SD was determined not to accept me, so nothing I could have done would have made any difference.
Additionally, again we have the theme that it's the woman who has to put in all the effort, be selfless etc - what about the Dad stepping up and actually parenting his child properly?
Unfortunately, No
I did give it my best for 12 years but after a humiliating event, I dropped the rope and have not looked back. I was the giver, they were the takers. The absolutely ONLY times I ever heard from DHs kids was when they needed something from me. I've not seen them in 4 years and don't foresee having to be in contact with them anytime soon. DH sees his kids away from our home and he keeps their business to himself. Should something happen to DH, I will NEVER see those people again.
Very
My SKs were very young when we got together as a family (3 and under). My BKs weren't much older. But we are as thoroughly blended as can be. I adore them and they are wonderful, kind, considerate people. Both my SKs take the time to call and chat regularly (either with me or with their father, or sometime both!), show up for family events (not just the big gift giving ones, also the small ones, the ad hoc get togethers and events for each other). They have each other's backs (we've heard of the kids loaning each other money or giving each other rides which makes me hopeful that even after DH and I pass they will be there for each other). They're all pretty good about reaching out to the extended family (grandparents, aunt, uncle) to wish a happy birthday, or share an exciting or funny moment in their lives.
They weren't always perfect. We had the typical teen years where they each found their own path to cut the apron strings and move from kids to adults. But that was more quiet stress and worry (and the occasional help with a disaster) rather than what I see with some teens. There was never a stage of yelling or anger, never any drugs or illegal activity. Just quiet rebellion against their parents' old fashioned rules and expectations.
I'm very fortunate to have kids and SKs that I genuinely enjoy spending time with. They're all adults now, so it's great to like them as people as well as love them as our kids.
You won't find that story a lot here. People whose kids and SKs are great don't usually find this place unless the other bioparent is causing grief. So this site is heavily skewed to the darker more frustrating side of step life. Which isn't a bad thing - it makes for a great place to get advice from people who are living the stuff no one else believes is possible! Just know that there are a lot of great relationships out there as well, they just don't need to be here!
Not particularly, and never
Not particularly, and never really. I have no relationship or contact with SD unless unavoidable, and I have a very basic one with SS; on the same sort of level you'd have with an acquaintance you're friendly with. Nothing more than small talk.
One more than the other
I have been in their lifes for 13 years. SS23 and I have always been close. He is a loving, caring young man and we can talk about anything and everything.
SS19 and I always had an ok relationship. Believe it or not, he is the one I spent most time with during his younger years. I was his biggest fan but we always kept each other at arms length. Once he pulled called DFS with lies, I keep him even farther away from me. We acknowledge each other and he tries to talk to me, but I only give him one word answers.
Yes and no
My SKs are in their 50's and 60's now. SD60 has always and continues to be a difficult person. I can't stand her for good reasons but maintain a polite and civil relationship for DH"s sake. OSS58 is a dear person I love. We've always gotten along and I trust him. YSS54 and I have a distant, but respectful, relationship.
I relate to them as individuals instead of as "the SKs". But we all lived together for years so I got a chance to know them in depth.
Good? No. Cordial/tolerable?
Good? No. Cordial/tolerable? Yes.
Skids don't go out of their way for me, don't call on my birthday, etc. But when we are together, they are pleasant enough. And they don't use the grandkids as weapons.
So I'm lucky.
Nope
Two of SO's adult SK's never wanted to meet me (which is fine - at least they are up front about it). Bratty McBratFace is an unlikeable entitled...well, brat. I've accepted that I just don't like her as a person.
I have a great relationship
I have a great relationship with my SS30 and SDIL26. I actually love SS like my own. I didn't always. As a teen, he actually stood against the mini-wife, manipulative SD32 and stood up for me. SS and I have each other's backs.
SD32 - well it's improved a ton, which I honestly never thought would happen. Something happened when she became a mom over 14 months ago. She actually thanked me for being a good grandmother to her baby and she is very connected with DH and I as far as her baby goes. In the past SD and I HATED each other's guts. I think I've changed too. I actually told her what a great mom she is and she cried. If anyone remembers my past blogs and comments, they'll shit reading this because SD was so enmeshed with Daddddeeeee and did everything to exclude me. Recently BM had a shit hemorrhage because she did what she does best: excludes people, especially me. Well, SD wasn't having it and wants her baby to have as many people love him as possible and for him to love lots of people. It's as if she finally saw the light as to what her mother does. SD actually protected me from BM. I was so stunned.
I've been around for 26 years. I think my history has bought me a lot of respect. SS has no conscious memory of a time without me. My SKs were 5 and 7 when I came along.
I've been embracing/owning the matriarch role more than ever lately. It's increased communication between myself and the SKs. DH and I have been in couples counselling since last year and I found a better individual therapist. The progress seems very slow, but DH and I are learning and changing a lot. This time last year I had an exit plan and was very depressed.
SD isn't talking to BM right now and hasn't for weeks. Apparently SD is tired of BM trying to "hog" SGS and SD and causing SD to be distant with everyone else in her life. DH and I aren't sure if it's SD having a baby or if it's her SO who has influenced her but something definitley changed in SD.
Evil4 Yahooo
I follow your comments and my heart and stomach turned for you.
Wowza that things are turning around for ya. You got the award for the most clingy, most self absorbed mini wife on here. Yet look at things now. Not to mention it seems like your DH has pulled his head out of SD's ass and came up for air . So glad he has turned a corner to.
Blessings evil this is fabtastic news
Thank you so much!
Thank you so much!
DH has even started telling me about how much it drives him crazy that SD is such an attention whore. I never thought I'd see that day.
Previously
Yes, I did. xBF had three girls. The oldest was BM's golden child: spoiled, conceited, entitled, so I didn't like her but she rarely came around and wasn't hostile towards me. The youngest was okay, super shy and picky eater. The middle was a joy.
Our breakup wasn't about them at all.
Not at all
SD and I were oil and water. We had nothing in common other than DH. She wanted daddio all to herself so she could have constant arse kissing. He was no prize and he lived to kiss her arse. I let ex SD keep daddio all to her princess self. He went back to BM after I tossed him to the curb. What that really meant was ex DH went back to his mini wife, and BM is the maid for them. Pretty flucked up situation.
Yes. There was a lot of
Yes. There was a lot of conflict; mostly because of lies told by BioHo (BM). Part of it was DH being a Disney Dad and part was me trying to help.
I stopped trying (and disengaged), DH stopped being a Disney Dad, and the skids learned BioHo was a lying 'ho. Our relationships began improving about 4 years ago.
I had a rocky relationship
I had a rocky relationship with them at the start (ages 7 & 9) then a good one for a couple years until OSD was around 12, then she started pulling back and arguing and only wanted to do her stuff. DH didn't back me up on pretty much anything so I started withdrawing - she noticed but I was clear in my interactions with her (consequences for poor behavior or rudeness means I don't do fun things and yes, you are old enough to clean up your own stuff).
YSD and I were pretty close until I'd say a year ago, when she turned 15. She started doing some normal teenage withdrawing but also developed some very odd behaviors and DH would not step up his game and wouldn't let me do so either, so I had to start disengaging. There's still times when we interact well, and she knows I would be there if she needs it, but I don't get involved in much any longer.
When I was married? No. I
When I was married? No. I would describe my relationship w/ my ex-SS as "cold civiity." I would describe my relationship with ex-SD as "white-hot hostility," as she actively worked to make my life a living hell. In almost 20 years together, never a single "Happy Birthday," Christmas card, etc.
In my current (unmarried) situation, I would describe it as "cold civility" with both my SO's son (aka "SOS") and daughter "(aka "SOD"). It's a little better with the boy, we can at least talk about video games and some anime stuff. The daughter has the personality of a cinder block, and the only thing she cares about is smothering her disinterested baby-daddy, and smoking weed. Sadly, that is a major improvement for her, at least she is no longer actively encouraging her mother to date other men (at least not openly).
Yes
Ss was 2.5 when Dh and I started dating. Ss was 5 when we got married. Now Ss is 26 and married.
We have a good relationship for the most part. We've had our ups and downs, mostly during the teenage years.
When Ss was younger, the relationship I had with him was best when he was on the outs with Bm. Go figure!
I think we are in a good place now.
Not really
No, Met him when he was 14 ,Seemed a shy normal teenage kid, I kinda got the vibe so your my mum's boyfriend well I'm her Son so let's leave it at that,When he was 19 20 he lived with us for a month,After a week I saw him as a pot head unygenic smelly kinda guy but thought he'll be gone by next week,After that I didn't see him again until he moved back in with his Mum at 25,3 years later he's still there,He is lazy unemployed unygenic and a major pot user,He says hi bye(when he wants to) and that's about it... I just focus on my own two kids and their (his) Mother..
Meh...
It went from me thinking what a sweet little guy, to how annoying. Around the time he hit teenage years, he was ok, and having my first child helped me to feel less like an outsider too. I thought he was a great big brother to my kids when they were born. Adult, same thing. He'd come visit, play with them, occasionally take them somewhere once She Devil came along. That's his wife now. I always had a gut feeling that She Devil didn't like me. She was always polite, it was just a vibe I got. Apparently I was right. She deliberately got drama stirred up and a year later I sensed a shift with Lying Ingrate SS. He claimed to love me like a mother but his actions didn't match up. I pulled away, there was a pointless conversation, and that's all she wrote. Everything coming to a head unfortunately happened around the time Lying Ingrate and She Devil had a baby. My anxiety ramped up after that. I think it was intuition telling me things were wrong and about to get worse. It's really for the best. I think they would have used their innocent spawn as a weapon somehow. Better to never be in his life than to get attached and decide I can't deal with his parents anymore and hurt him by leaving. That is, if he would have been allowed to have any sort of relationship with me. I do hope that She Devil has a DIL just like her someday. Wait, no, I hope she gets one who sees through her and puts her in her place. Her beef with me was all about me standing up to MIL and supposedly letting my mother do whatever she wanted when it came to my bios. My mother wasn't ever a problem. She respected me and DH as parents and did whatever we asked. I think She Devil had to have disliked me for other reasons too. Strange thing is she doesn't seem to like MIL much either. She absolutely despised BM who is now deceased. So I don't know what her problems with me were. Don't care either. Now their child has no grandparents in his life as She Devil's parents are both gone. Should DH choose to speak to them again it will have to be outside of our home. They are not allowed here.
Yes and No
I would say yes and no. Though my SD is not an adult yet. She is 12 but her maturity level is one of a 5-7 year old. When I first started seeing DBF and I had finally met SD12, we got along pretty well. My DD13 and I moved in after a year of dating, and after 2 years of dating me and DBF bought a house together, she started acting up. She was clingy with DBF before, but now is SUPER clingy and has to be the center of attention. So it's more of me not expanding that relationship with her because I am automatically annoyed that she needs to be cottled. She sometimes has an awful attitude, and leaves her garbage and things around the house and has to be told several times to pick up after herself. She rolls her eyes at me on the daily when we have her so I am finding it really hard lately to connect with her.
I am hoping that we eventually have a better relationship and she stops with the whole mini wife syndrome. DBF is doing his part but she's still trying to cling and get her way with stuff....frustrating.
I have had both positive and
I have had both positive and negative experiences with stepkids.
I had a stepdaughter in my first marriage 14 years ago. She and I bonded and got along well. Though I have divorced her dad 10 years ago, she is 17 now and we still talk and are close. She actually wanted to continue a relationship with me after I left her dad. This relationship developed between me and her because her parents got along and parented her. I was treated as a parent but was not expected to do everything, and she was taught to be respectful of me. Basically, her dad and her mom insisted she respect me as a parent, because they considered me her parent too, and she did, no problem.
Now in my current marriage, things are different. My SS is 21, won't work and his dad enables him. His mother and father haven't always gotten along and since daddy babies him, he is attached to daddy at the hip. He only goes around his mother when she is taking him somewhere fun or there is something in it for him (like allowing his girlfriend to stay overnight, something I refuse to do). I am not allowed to parent him, advise him or voice any concerns I have about him. My husband very much keeps his and his son's relationship separate from me. So basically, I tolerate his stepson but resent him and don't like him. And his stepson never really talks to me. It's sad. I am in the process of leaving his father, so after the divorce, I will not maintain any kind of relationship with this failure to launch.
I know that's kind of a mixed answer. I really think it boils down to how the parents deal with/raise the child and how the parents feel about you. My stepson's mom never really liked me and my husband treats me like garbage too, so why would his son treat me any different? The only thing my stepson and his dad want are my paychecks. But, that's all about to stop as I am leaving this situation.
Hope this helps...
Yep. Absolutely.
But, raised him as my own from before he was 2yo. When he was 22, he asked if I would adopt him. We made that happen.
His mom and I are very proud of our son. One of my proudest days, was the day he had our family name sewn onto his USAF uniform.
I think I am the exception
I have a wonderful relationship with both my DSS's, since the beginning. I came into their lives when they were young boys (grad school age). I think it helped because they were so emotionally starved by their bio mom that any support or kindness was like gold to them. They are both grown men now, both married and successful....best of all, they call me at least once a week just to talk. I was truly blessed as I know this isn't the norm. FYI, they were "baggage" to their bio mom until I came into the picture, then she tried to be MOTY. They were too leery of her, due to the past, so it didn't work.
Why is divorce even permitted?
Most of the times it's a huge burden. I am totally pro divorce but it got me to the point thinking if divorce should even be allowed when there are kids... If DH had stayed with his baby mama, he wouldn't have brought suffering to so many people. He's on his third marriage, two kids from two different mothers... It's a gift that just keeps on giving. Hatred and destroyed relationships all around. It's maths: if he had remained married in the first place, he would have been the only one miserable. Divorcing has made his kid mad, his ex wife mad, his ex mother in law mad. Only made his new wife and hin happy. By that time is was 3-2.
Soon after his ex wife became miserable too because syepkid, but continued to have a child with him. So... Miserable: ex ex wife, ex wife, ex ex mother in law, son. Happy: DH and new daughter. So 4 - 2.
After his ex wife became miserable, soon after he was miserable too. So he remarried (me), so his daughter became unhappy too, and his ex wife furious and his ex mother in law enraged. But for a very short time I was happy and so was my son. So...
Unhappy: ex ex wife, ex wife, son, daughter, ex ex mother in law, ex mother in law.
Happy: DH, me, my son.
6 - 3
Not surprisingly surrounded by all this hate, it didn't take long for me and my son to become unhappy too.
8 - 1
And if I'm being true, let's face it: he can't be happy with this situation. 9 - 0.
So... Long story short. Which one would you rather have? 2 - 1? Or 9 - 0? Simple math. Divorce shouldn't be allowed.
I was thinking the same about
I was thinking the same about my DH. The BM couldn't keep her panties up out of his presence over and over with different guys (maybe even gals) and wouldn't stop when given the chance. He should've just waited until she'd sown her final oat and kept his kids happy. Instead, he did what most sane people would've done, divorced her likely std-laden ass. And then another divorce because that woman couldn't deal with the drama they all caused-it made her literary ill. And her I type. Wink
No
My SD's were 4 and 7 when my DH and I got together. They are now 22 and 25. We had them 2 weeks out of each month. It was hell. I had to detach the last 5 years. I did so much for them, at times more so than their own parents and I've received 0 appreciation or respect. I can honestly say I do not care to have any kind of relationship with them. It will probably be superficial for the rest of our lives, even though they live right down the road I am blessed to only have to see them a few times a year. My DH's relationship with them is on him. I want no parts.
Does he visit with them
Does he visit with them though?
My SD was 5 when I became a
My SD was 5 when I became a part of her life. DH had full custody. When she was 8, BM returned to the picture. Things began deteriorating fast. She turned into a mini BM. Now that we have an ours baby, she is a total monster. I don't see it reverting back anytime soon.
She's in another state so the
She's in another state so the view from my house is fine. We recently had some drama that her 17 year old wanted to move in with us. DH said no, raise your own kids.
I've gotten to a place where I can just laugh. Last time we saw her the boyfriend wasn't around. I assumed it was work related. Nope, he was at the Gray Bar Inn. She tried to say he had a probation violation because he was supposed to be going to AA and didn't. She said, but he's been sober 5 years. I said the last time we were at your house he was drinking whisky straight from the bottle in the kitchen with his brother. That shut her up.
They're so trashy.
With time - it gets SO MUCH WORSE!!
I am so sorry for anyone who sadly believes this "gets better" with time... All you can do is to protect yourself from these heartless Vultures- because they are waiting to swoop down on you for their financial feed...
The only way to have a good relationship
with skids are for the following ingredients to be present:
1. You're a stepDAD and the BM backs you
OR
You are a SM and the following ingredientS are present (you must have ALL of these present or else forget it)
1. BioDAD backs you
2. BM is mature and acts responsibly
3. In-Laws (HIS parents) don't play favourites
4. BioDAD and BM parent responsibly and continue to do so after the breakup/divorce
5. BioDAD and the BM instill respect for ALL adults in their children
6. Neither BioDAD nor BM try to offload their parental duties onto SM, neither financial, emotional, psychological, etc.
7. Skids are not given "adult spousal status" nor are they treated as confidants (PAS)
8. Skids are not treated as golden tickets for CS cash prizes (especially not by the BM)
9. BioDAD is not impoverished after CS is taken
10. Skids are disciplined and given age appropriate responsibilities/tasks as they mature. They are expected to launch and not infantalized nor coddled.
IOW Good Luck if you are a SM....you'll need it!
(In my case, both parents did exactly the opposite of all the ingredients leading to PASing out and estrangement well into their twenties despite having known them from 18 mos to 5 yrs old)