A year later
I haven't been on this for over a year now and wow do I have so much to talk about. Firstly me and DH well I guess exfiance have officially broken up. Going forward I've found so much more joy and happiness out of life. SD lives with me and her siblings, and we are all so happy. The problem was DH the whole time. The days of giving into bad and toxic behavior from SD are behind us. She's grown so much and as slow and hard as it was at the beginning has been the hardest battle that I would happily do again. They are all my entire world. The kids get along so good now and me and SD are so unbelievably close it makes my heart so full. I just want to let anyone know who is struggling hard right now that it can and it will get better than you can imagine with the right path and time. You guys as a community helped me through the darkest days of motherhood for me, and I'll never be able to thank you enough.
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Comments
Why on earth do you have
Why on earth do you have custody of your Exhusband's child by a different person? that is bizarre.
I mean.. it's nice that you are having a decent relationship.. but why?
I second this. Why is SD
I second this. Why is SD with you and not a family member of hers? That's weird.
We're technically in a trial
We're technically in a trial separation and I'm the one who's closer to her school and the one with the car that fits all of us in it.
Still that doesn’t make you legally or financially responsible
For her care and no court or judge would ever force and mandate this on you. Its the bio parents responsibility to sort out logistics. Too many times we see here a stepparent wasting investing their time on skids for nothing and no benefit
I'm not wasting my time or
I'm not wasting my time or money. My step daughter is just as much my daughter as my bio kids. I know we had a rocky start but I love her just as much as a mom can live any of her kids. To me it's the easiest and most comfortable situation for all of the kids.
Except legally and in a court of law she isn’t your daughter
Has a judge assigned you legal guardianship of this kid? Do you have legal authority to make medical decisions for her, to register her for a passport, to do all those legal things?
If not, this is a dangerous situation to be in if an emergency arose because rhe bio parents have palmed off all responsibilities for their child to you with you having no legal authority and financial reimbursement for her ongoing care. The bio parents are jointly freeloading off of you as a free babysitter and you are being used.
You might feel like she is your real daughter but she is and always will be your stepdaughter. I certainly wouldn't be referring to a skid who intentionally jammed my bio kids hands in car door for attentions sake and had no remorse for it, as my daughter or my kid.
I bring absolutely no money
I bring absolutely no money into the situation my ex pays all the bills and groceries. I know how she was a year ago and even before that but she is also a child. Not an adult who can perceive things the same way I do. Yes she did it on purpose and yes she did do lots of things in the past. Has she grown though and started caring and being kind to her siblings and those around her? Absolutely she has. Why? She has me who I wouldn't say is perfect but is far beyond any other role model she's ever had. Yes the situation can be straining but lots of relationships are. How is growing as a mother and accepting a SD while she grows into herself anything but benifical for everyone involved?
But this situation still doesn’t give you any legal authority
Over her in the event of an emergency. From your post you are separated from your partner and therefore caring for his and his ex-wife's child despite have no legal authority over her. You have no legal authority to make important medical decisions, you legally have no authority to make decisions regarding school.
wht you are failing to realize here is this sd's bio parents have absolved themselves of the ongoing responsibility and care of their child to you. You have the responsibility but no real authority. This isn't like you adopting a kid where you have all responsibility and authority.
too often here we see how this becomes a mess and i'm yet to see a case here where your situation ended a positive one. It's shameful that both her bio parents can't be bothered to take responsibility and authority for their own child but happy to palm it off to you and your ex currently giving you cash to pay for groceries and household bills isn't gonna last forever.
what then? You will have his kid in your home that you have had sole responsibility palmed off to because her own parents can't be bothered and nothing regarding cs set in stone by the courts. Its a messy situation that you think is all great now until it isn't.
you can't care more than the actual parents do and by your comment, her own bio parents are no role models. Frankly both her bio parents need to step up and if they aren't willing to and you want sole responsibility and authority for this child, apply to adopt otherwise you're gonna be up for disappointment when she is older and her parents finally decide we want her back and she is back to her normal self. All that time you invested is wasted
plenty of stepparents here had custody and care of skid for a decade or more and suddenly druggie useless bio mum who abandoned them decides she wants a relationship with skids who may be late teens early adulthood and they decide they wanna be exposed to bio mums toxic crap and behaviour. It rarely ends well.
It wouldn't be hard for OP to
It wouldn't be hard for OP to get legal authority for emergencies and school, besides, the girl's dad did not fall off the face of the Earth, he is around.
Yes, OP actually can care as much or more than the bio parents. She obviously cares more than the BM, who is not even in the picture. Step parents shouldn't have to care more than the bio parents, but sometimes that's the way it is.
As far as time, or anything else that is invested, being wasted, I guess that depends on how you look at it. For people who are expecting some sort of return on their investment, yes, they might be disappointed. For those just doing what feels right to them at the time, it won't feel like a waste, no matter how it ends. OP seems happy that she can give her SD a stable environment. She seems to care about her SD. She seems to be making a difference.
We read a lot of horror stories on this site but not all step situations are as bad as we read about on here. There are a lot of situations in which we tell the poster to run, save yourself, don't get involved but I think that what OP is doing in HER situation, seems to be the right choice FOR HER. Her SD is lucky to have her.
Congratulations
I know there must be a ton more that you are not expressing. Good for you and thanks for the sort of update.
It sounds like you are in a better, not bitter, place.
Thank you! Yes I am and I'm
Thank you! Yes I am and I'm so glad I can be happy with my life right now.
Has SD quit physically hurting your children?
Has SD quit physically hurting your children? I remember the fingers getting smashed in the car door incident. Are you saying SD was acting out because of SO?
Honestly I think she was. She
Honestly I think she was. She was having a hard time not being his center of attention so she was doing all kinds of stuff to try and get him to pay attention.
Why would you even take on responsibility for her after this
I cut off my skids from being around me or my 2 young kids for far less due to lack of respect for our privacy and boundaries.
Why doesn't she live with her
Why doesn't she live with her father??? Is he unfit parent?
How could you possibly have custody of her? Is there a CO in place?
Why does anyone need a car to fit "all of you"? So her father doesn't have a car to fit his child in?
Sounds like he is just as horrible as before and now he doesn't even need his child living with him, you still picking up his slack and do his parenting for him and you aren't even a couple!
Not sure you can say you are doing much better if he still uses you and you still do his job for him. Now it's just a different variation of the same cluster f... as before
Where is their mother in all
Where is their mother in all this?
Her mother has been out of
Her mother has been out of her life for 4 years now no contact she doesn't really remember her anymore
That's sad. But where is the
That's sad. But where is the father? Is he gone too? Doesn't he want his child with him? Like any decent parent?
Yes of course be wants her
Yes of course be wants her but at the moment he's the only one making the money. He comes to see them and talks to them as much as he can. She's here so she can keep going to school and I'm happy to have all of the kids together.
I'm so confused. You had a
I'm so confused. You had a bad relationship with your fiance. You officially broke up (trial separation) and now you are taking care of HIS daughter/kid(s?) whereby apparently, one of them (sd) harmed your child at some point? But now, because her father, (your EX fiance) is out of her life, she is permanently reformed, well behaved and even loving, after only one year? If the trial separation becomes permanent, and you're now in the midst of playing mother/guardian/CP? to your ex boyfriend's kid(s), does the kid(s) bounce back to his home, despite the fact that he drives a ...motorcycle? or some other vehicle that they can't squeeze in to?
Listen, it's not my place to judge you, but since you came on here to share your story, I hope that you can understand that it raises a lot of questions. I'm sure that there must be one big chunk of information that you haven't shared with us. One year is a long time to jot down all of the details, so I'm assuming that there must have been some major developments in your story, along the way. But, to be honest, from the little bit that you did share with us, I don't think this is a great situation for you to be in. Those kids should be with either their father or their mother, in my opinion. If the kids behave badly when they are with either one of them, that is their issue to sort out, not yours. I think your EX-fiance should come pick up his kids and you should do what most people do during a trial separation; separate and give yourself time away from the entire situation. You may just find that being away from all of this drama is the better way to go. Just my thoughts based on what little I know of your situation.
I was bitter and probably
I was bitter and probably thinking back to it in a really bad state. I was holding the entire load of a family of 5 on my shoulders alone on top of being a step parent. My inlaws and then fiancé constantly put me down telling me how horrible I was as a mom and a step mom. We moved away from the negative people and even after moving me and fiancé had our problems but none of it was completely put on me alone to fix. Yes our relationship didn't work out but my relationship with SD blossomed once we had people not putting me down. I'm not bitter or upset about our past I'm just happy to be able to walk forward with all my and me being happy. Also I'm still the stay at home parent for all our kids. Everything is still being paid for by ex fiancé he just doesn't live here anymore.
Also SD has been in school 3
Also SD has been in school 3 years now and has learned how to play better and share with other people. The small squabbles I do have to intervene on are never malicious and are nothing that normal siblings have with each other. She needed time to learn how to be a big sister and she did with time and school.
I think families come in all
I think families come in all shapes and sizes and I'm actually impressed with you, taking SD in, being able to love her and care for her despite the past. I wish you all the best, simply ensure that you keep yourself protected against your SO.
So this man was such a
So this man was such a horrible father that his kid was violent towards your kids. Now he is even worse parent because he doesn't even have his kid with him!
So the fact that he works means he can't have his kid with him? It makes zero sense. Most people work and raise children. By this logic all working parents must send children to live elsewhere. It makes zero sense. He comes to visit. Must be nice.
it's amazing what women are willing to put up with for a man and to please a man. We've all been there done that. But this one is just one extreme case doing it all for a man you are separated from and have never even been married to.
Sure it might benefit his kid but mostly it benefits him. He doesn't have to deal with kids at home. He works, visits and then enjoys his freedom the rest of the time while his ex girlfriend is raising his kid. That's mind boggling
I bet if a woman left and left her young child behind to be raised by ex boyfriend, people on here would call her all kind of choice words. But when a guy does it, his exgf has every excuse for him oh poor guy has to work and doesn't have a big car and he is so great visiting his child. Just wow
Though quite unusual, it's
Though quite unusual, it's not the first time I've seen this. A friend of mine divorced her VERy abusive ex-h and he was also abusive to his son (her step-son). The step-son stayed living with her and they have a fantastic relationship and her ex is almost entirely out of the pic with all his kids.
Not something I would do, but if it works, it works. Epsecially since he's fully supporting the entire household for now. Things may change w/custody of her SD when she gets a job. There's ALL kind of unconventional family/children living arrangements in this country, so again, unusual but not unheard of. It's totally possible for her to get guardianship or proper paperwork for emergencies, etc.
It's also not unheard of for
It's also not unheard of for a BM to come back into the picture after years of absence and demand to take her child(ren) back ... and succeed.
Good luck to you, OP.