Getting worse

Well now that SD has a friend. She's asked to switch weekends with us because her friend is at her moms when SD is with us. We declined because my DS dad can't switch due to work. And SD is so wish washy I'm sure she would switch back at some point. However because of that she has once again said she doesn't want to come to our house. She's done this before. Said she didn't want to come to our house simply because her friend invited her to something. Her mom told her it was whatever she wanted to do. Of course she's going to pick the friend over us. She's only 11. But mom allowed her to make an excuse of she didn't enjoy herself here and she felt neglected. All so she could to to an amusement park with a friend. Mom does this and when SD acts out she gets what she wants. Always been manipulated to get what she wants. Screamed at her dad after he told her he wanted to see her and said she never wanted to come over again. Apparently she's seeing two therapists now. The last time I spoke with her she said she did it because she likes to talk to someone. Lately she has started sneaking food again, she's 11 5'1" and 165, and lying. Mom says it's just with us but she's only with us 4 days out of the month and lately hasn't come so we aren't to blame for her weight. But she always says her phones been taken away because she lies. (Yet apparently she only does that at our house. We're about to throw in the towel and say fine if you don't want to come it's your choice but just know we want to see you and will be here for you. She constantly needs validation from everyone and right now she gets it from her friend. She doesn't have many because of her weight (and bossy attitude). I'm at a loss and don't know what else to do. Last time she did this she cried and said she didn't want my other DD to forget her. Yet she won't come over or call her to say happy birthday. She has some obvious mental health issues like her mother. We're just at a loss how to handle it anymore.

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Maybe let her bring her

Maybe let her bring her friend with? They can entertain each other.

We tried

So the friends mom is friends with biomom. So we're sure she's told her nice things about us. And said they wouldn't allow that

Your DH needs to set a hard

Your DH needs to set a hard boundary with his EX. BM.. you cannot accept or give permission for SD to do activities on MY custody time. You need to let me know.. or SD needs to let me know and I will decide whether she will be allowed to "stay with you".. or whether I will transport her to said event.. OR.. whether I veto the activity.

Ipso's suggestion to see if her friend could come and spend the night at least is not bad, but obviously, you don't want to have to host sleepovers every visitation!

I'm not sure why your son's schedule has to dictate what SD can do though... but, I get that kids can run hot and cold.. and this friend's schedule might not be an issue if they cease to be friends.

But.. depending on why you don't want your schedule to switch because of your son.. could you do it one weekend a month? maybe that would be a compromise?

But dad needs to stop allowing BM to speak for him. AND if that means going to court to get an enforceable order? he needs to do it I guess..

And.. her weight? I would offer her healthy options and encourage physical activity as a "family".. beyond that.. I would not make that an issue I overly focused on.. your DH needs to have a better relationship with her.. let mom fight the fight if it is to be fought.

We’ve tried everything

Mom has always used SD to get to my husband. She gets joy out of it. She never communicates. Doesn't tell us when anything is then SD says we didn't show up or we don't have time for her. When we tell her we didn't know she says well mom says you should call and ask. How do we ask about something we don't know about? And we don't have a court order. We've been to lawyers. We would get our alternating weekends and holidays and likely nothing more. We can't prove the mom is alienating her daughter, didn't care for her full time until she was 8. Grandma had her when we didn't. And we had her 3-4 days out of the week for years. Never dropped her off with mom. And SD always made excuses for mom like it was ok for her not to be living with her. Grandma would never say anything bad about her daughter. mom always called us after she started living with her full time again to take her on our off weekends. Which we did. We love having her here. But it was because She was always going out of town. She planned a girls week during the last week of softball and during the championship games. Send the step dad to the games because of a new baby. When he could stay home with the baby.

We’ve tried everything

No playing switchies.

Years and years ago, BM wanted us to switch , for ever switch our weekends. Because the chilll-drennn wanted to switch.

My red flag was twitching, so I contacted someone who knew BM's husband's exwife.

Bm's husband is, 'BM's exboyfriend pre MY dh, then turned into her husband after she ruined HIS marriage. ( I bet BM's husband wishes he stayed married to wife 1)

Anyway,

We were informed that bm's husbands child had visitation opposite of OUR schedule soooo, that meant bm and exbfnowhusband never had a free weekend they always had kids.

DH was just sooo sorry, he could not change the schedule it would be soooooo impossible to do that. Kids need stability and consistency, not bm's fly buy the seat of her pants. Not sure why it mattered really, she always sent them to Granny bailouts house anyway..

Keep the schedule the way it is, , invite the friend over to your house.

JMO

the friends mom is friends

the friends mom is friends with biomom.

Does SD really have a friend? Or is there some need on the part of the two moms for them to spend time together?

She does

This friend is the daughter of biomom lesbian friend. Biomom was BI at one time. We can't invite her over because the lesbian mom says we're yeah because of what biomom says. Anytime we go to her softball games which the lesbian moms fiancé coaches we get dirty looks and snickering. I mean why...we participate in her life as much as possible, want her to come, include her in everything and yet we are still bad people. Biomom was the one who cheated when she was with my husband. Yet he's the bad guy because we knew each other years before they ever did. And she hates our happy ending.

Ok it's not about SD having a

Ok it's not about SD having a friend at all.

Mom has a friend with a child snd mom likes to hang out with said friend and it's much better if SD is there as she can play with a friend while BM enjoying her friend (or maybe it's a romantic partner)

Of course this friend won't go stay at your house. It serves no purpose for BM or BM's friend. BM is now alienating SD from her dad teaching SD to choose. It's not even SD's choice. It's BM's

Yep

And we've been to two lawyers. We would get our every other weekend and holidays we get now and spend a crap ton of money we don't have to be where we are at now. But also SD loves attention. She cries a lot about anything and yet can't give reasons why she cries. And mom gives her pity because SD says dad doesn't have time for her yet she's the one who doesn't want to come over.

DH, slap BM with a contempt motion for every missed visitation.

Then tell SD-11 that every time her mommy keeps her from her daddy her mommy will have to go to court to talk to the Judge.

Lather, rinse, repeat.

Tolerate no manipulative bullshit.

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