2 years free from exSD's & Daddeeeee
Hi all-
Just noticed on the calendar that it's been 2 years (and 2 days) since I left and NEVER looked back. Never looked back, not for one second, at the hell I was living in with exHNarc and his 'baby girl' exSD24 (DaughterWife) and the exSD21 that intentionally caused drama too. They are cruel people.
Did I have a broken heart? No, ok maybe 2%. The real kickers were the unveiling of the betrayals, lies by omission and web of lies. Before the nuptials, I thought these were pink flags or perhaps orange flags...they were RED flags! Ladies, listen to your gut feelings! Womens intuition is a real thing so listen to it.
When I drive to that city every few months, a sense of complete calm and indifference have replaced the anxiety. The devil incarnate has zero power. I have forgiven myself and have zero regrets on leaving that final time.
Many people are able to have successful marriages and work through the issues that arise in step-parenting relationships. However, sometimes it's time to cut and run when there is almost zero chance of resolve. We see both sides here on StepTalk and the advice and comments were life-saving when I was at my lowest low and feeling stuck in early 2020.
During my two years of healing, I have put in the hard work with therapy, practicing daily yoga and meditation, remaining single by choice, having a successful business, healing well from partial knee replacement and back to riding my bike to the beach and all around this beach community, traveling and exploring new and beautiful places, volunteering again, enjoying solitude and continuing to manifest peace and joy into my life.
Indeed, living well is the best revenge ;-) Thanks ST!
Thanks for posting this
Olivia, Thank you SOOO much for posting this. I have been single for 4 months after 30 years of the BS. I am working on forgiving myself for not annulling the marriage almost 31 years ago when I found out that exDH was lieing by ommission, out and out lies, and married me to use as a financial security blanket. ExDH got about $50,000 when he left, plus he had been living in my home for $380 a month for all of the years we had been married. I have been going to a therapist for about 3 years which helped me to make the break. I love being single life. Everything is peaceful and it is wonderful. But I am wondering when I will be able to totally forgive myself for being so stupid, thinking he would change and hanging on to false hope for so long. Or does that happen in time? If you have any suggestions I would really appreciate it.
I think women's role in society had changed significantly. Women now are stronger, work in well paying jobs and take on the role of 'head of the household'. Men have changed to adjust to this new dynamic. Many will become part of a team and do what they can to make a partnership with a woman, making their marraige a priority and growing together. But there are also preditors who are looking for a woman to take care of them socially, financially, and emotionally. They use the woman for their comforts, but resent her at the same time. They control by witholding affection, passive-aggressivve behavior and creating a fear.
I am remaining on this site like you are. If I can prevent one woman from living the life I have for 30 years it will be worth it.
keep on doing the work....time helps in healing too...
It's great that you're working with a therapist and working on forgiving yourself...it does take time but time alone does not heal. I can only speak from my experiences. Creating a NEW life for yourself is a process and allowing yourself to grieve is important. Another pearl of wisdom I received early on was something like 'learn to forgive yourself, you were only looking for the good in him.' After about a year, I woke up one day and felt the weight that I unburdened from myself, the guilt and shame were gone, after I had dragged it out of the darkness and into the light to face it and tell it to f off.
Yes, predators come in all forms. People have different motives for different situations/relationships and for every leech of a guy out there is a leech of a woman. I have two older brothers and have seen this. Focus on YOU and even though the craziness of this world will continue around you, you can work on your wholeness, don't lose sight of the great things you create for you. Right before and after I left hell, I seriously felt like the soul was sucked out of me. I was drained, ready to fall apart and too ashamed to ask for help from friends except one friend who helped me stay on course to plan my exit, along with the folks here on ST.
My $3K for the divorce was an investment in my freedom. I was down to $45 to my name because I stopped working a couple months prior to the nuptials to get ready for the move 3 hours away, per his persuasion, while I continued to pay all my living expenses. Before I escaped, I paid several thousand out of pocket for deposit, rent, storage unit and movers so it drained my account. I was so thankful for my savings. He was planning for me to be the breadwinner, he resented having to work with his stage 4 cancer to keep his insurance and the financial mess he was in (as revealed in the discovery documents) as he paid for every single luxury for DaughterWife24 while she sat on her ass in our house. Part of my healing was owning my part in this too, going againt my gut feelings and not listening when my friends told me I was settling.
It was when I walked in on them snuggling in her bed that did it for me. I had suspected, based on her behaviors on the rare occasion when I would see DaughterWife, but he kept a straight face or would call me crazy/emotional every time I would question him about her exhibitionism in front of his family and him. It's more common than our society realizes and can be discussed candidly and safely here on ST.
I'm a fabulous 56 and single by choice! It's nice to be able to laugh and smile again! You'll get there....be patient with the process in your healing journey. hugs
Thank you SOOO much!
'learn to forgive yourself, you were only looking for the good in him.' This says it all!! Thank God I have freinds who started noticing how he treated me and they validated me. Don't know if you have expereinced this, but after the divorce several women 'came out of the woodwork' to tell me of their "Creepy" experiences with him. There are so many times I read posts of women who are held hostage by a partner who is looking to be taken care of. It is SO important to look at how that future partner matches your values, wants, needs and negotiables BEFORE committing to any relationship.
I went no contact with him...
and I blocked anyone related to him. No contact was a lifesaver for me and is a real thing. I kept thinking how the rearview mirror is small and my windshield is so BIG to see my beautiful future ahead!
Stay well and keep on healing!
Me too
No contact helped me heal
Thanks for sharing your update
Glad to hear you are living your best beach life. I've admired how you took on board the advice you were given and handled your situation quickly.
thank you so very much!
It was a VERY strange turn of events after living with him. I think DaughterWife living in the marital home was a blessing for me to SEE their physical affection right out there in the open. You all quickly helped me realize that there is more to the Disney Dad that include and unfortunately extend beyond the emotional incest. Thank you for your support and guidance!
I am happy for you.
Well done. Enjoy your life.
I am...
when a man asks me out, the first thing I ask him is how many kids and ages please! My 27 yr old son is getting out of the Air Force this month and coming to visit. He flew down when I had partial knee replacement surgery in December and he told me then that he likes seeing me 'so chill and relaxed now' and we both smiled and nodded in agreement.
Boys like their moms to be happy and safe.
Not an exact corelation, but.... My son will occassionally comment to his mom after a rare SpermClan visit... "Mom, what were you thinking?" with a "I am so happy you saved us from that trainwreck." occassionally thrown in.
SS will celebrate his 11yr USAF service anniversary in just short of 3 weeks. He has 5 more years on his current enlistment. One more 4 and he will qualify for retirement.
Please give your son my regards and my thanks for his service.
I did thank him...
when my son visited a couple weeks ago..he was already growing a beard! The USAF is soooo different than when I was active duty...and the deployments continue too often so he decided to get out after 7 years. When my son was here and said 'the devil' I looked at him and smiled, "Oh no, the devil has power and people fear the devil. This devil you speak of has zero power. That thing (exDH) is senseless, like a Teletubby." Or I would refer to it as 'taking a wrong turn off the highway' when my son and I discussed something during that timeframe. We talked about the onset of the pandemic and where we were and what we were doing...he was deployed & I was in the wrong turn place w/exDH.
Your SS is showing his maturity with relationships when he can see the dysfunctional trainwreck of the SpermClan. When the young men get into their late 20's, they seem to view relationships through a different lens. He's aiming and soaring high in his USAF career, congrats to him!
You are correct, boys want their moms to be happy and safe. He knows I love to travel and I dragged him all over Europe! I'm enjoying my solo road trips and he tells me to let him know where I am at each place I stay. That is a son with a good heart and I would bet your SS is the same.
Stay well!
FREEDOM
So glad you checked in.
Sounds like you are doing awesome!
Blessings
thanks!
I've worked hard and celebrate the awesome days and celebrate the shit*y days because I have my sanity and solitude...and a healthy support network.
Curious do you know if your
Curious do you know if your EX is still alive? I'm glad you got out of there when you did and glad you trusted your gut. Do you ever wonder if he had an actual "relationshp" with his daughter and you were just the beard so people would not question?
On the very rare occasion...
that exHNarc is brought up in phone convo with my adult son, my son will do a Google search of his obituary. I think he's still living...I hope he continues to live a long time because it's a miserable way to live and a miserable way to die.
There's a funny saying that I could relate to...'he was looking for a nurse with a purse' as I was his patient advocate during his treatments, traveled with him for surgeries, caretaker at home, cooked healthy and delicious meals, fitness trainer, driver, etc. all while I was in full-time in-person grad school and living 3 hours away. I always always always got the shit end of the stick...as in being stuck going grocery shopping with him on the weekends or he would sleep at my place all weekend. However, when DaughterWife would visit him for a weekend, he went all out to take her to dinner at a nice restaurant, bragging to me about the bottle of wine they shared, events and activities he would magically experience...with HER. He continued to work full-time in an office job with a very nice Christian company owner. If that owner only knew that 'Lot' was working in his same office!
On the outside, he wanted me to be a cover for him, he was all about appearances...he would pry about my 'earning potential' for when I could go into business for myself and he wanted me as a beautiful, educated, accomplished and fit woman next to him. I'm the complete opposite of his ex (the biomom) but she was always so codependent with him, little did her new hubby know. ExHNarc's cancer spread to his lumbar spine and the oncologist said it was just a matter of time before he would be in a wheelchair. He hid his PET results for three months until after the nuptials and gave it to me to read. The 'hot spots' had spread and were growing in the bones but not in the internal organs, as of two years ago.
I think when we are in an intimate relationship with a person, we usually learn and know how and where to touch each other the right ways. Asking me to do something for him, after his weekends with DaughterWife, creeped me out and I would question him, after a couple of months of withholding any physical contact with me, his specific requests were unusual. I wish I had a little Ring camera back then to hide in the house. He refused to get cameras or Ring doorbell for the house we bought. After the nuptials is when they flaunted their physical relationship not only in front of me but in front of her lazy boyfriend who would visit, and eventually moved in, while I was making my secret escape plan. The lazy boyfriend would look so uncomfortable...he would shift in his seat, try to look away and distract himself while Dadddeee and DaughterWife enjoyed their long loving embraces, complete with whispers and smoochy kisses. I would observe without boyfriend knowing just to confirm that I wasn't nutso.
It took me seeing him every day, after the nuptials and after the marital home was purchased, for me to see him without the fake mask he wears. Now that I know, he definitely has NPD and adult Aspergers. He's still evil and didn't love me anymore than he loved a shoebox. But his love runs deep for DaughterWife...
Curious
How long were you married to him?
We were married and on speaking terms for 54 days...
I actually lived in the house for only 41 days, he and I closed on it the day prior to the nuptials. I had to move from out of town and was out of state to attend a graduation so that's the 13 day difference.
One week after I left, he filed for dissolution on the two month 'anniversary' date. So now he can say HE divorced me, um, ok, whatever.
Two months married and four months for the divorce so about 6 months of that mess. There's a cute meme with a little blonde girl making a funny face 'the divorce took longer than the marriage lasted'
There's a tale about a frog in a pot of water that slowly starts to boil, the frog acclimates to the warmer water and feels uncomfortable but doesn't realize it's time to jump out of the pot before the water eventually boils, thus his demise. Then there is the pot of boiling water and the frog jumps straight in but quickly escapes, knowing that it's dangerous. My 5 years were becoming acclimated to the uncomfortable 'can't exactly figure out the odd behaviors' and after the nuptials was the 'get the hell outta the pot, this is hell!' exHNarc and DaughterWife turned up the heat, so to speak, because he really thought I wouldn't leave.
My friend, a female pastor and motivational speaker for women and healing, told me that he showed me what he didn't want to tell me. This is why he would leave the bedroom doors open when he and DaughterWife were wrapped up in tight embraces in the bed, whispering sweet nothings, smooching. The lame boyfriend would watch them in their long embraces when Dadddeee would return from work and would shift around, look around and was soooo uncomfortable. I noticed bf's reactions from afar, my gut told me those long intimate encounters were too much and that validated my reasons to leave.
Cut and run, turn and burn, whatever it's called, survival perhaps. Definitely not the shortest marriage on record either!
It is sad….
Daddy and his daughter wife both needed a beard to camouflage their incestuous crap.
DaughterWife...you said it all
I am going through this hell now and I have actually told my husband that his daugher acts like his wife. She wants to be alone with him, she expects him to constantly spend on her. He doesn't do anything for me even for special occasions but a couple of years ago, we had already given her a birthday present a few days early. The day of her birthday, we were in the mall and he wanted to go in the jewelry store. He was looking at a nice ruby necklace and earrings set. He got a sales person and went to pay for it. I simply asked him what that was for, he got snippy and said "it's for my daughter, is that alright with you, can't I do something nice for my daughter for her birthday" It was a couple of hundred dollars on top of the hundred we had already spent. We went to her house and he went all out, it looked like a proposal. He had her close her eyes and I thought he was going to get on one knee. He had the box in his hand and opened it and had her open her eyes. He made sure to make it special. He has never done anything close to that for me. Even this past christmas all I got was "merry christmas, I paid for gas to take you to see your grandson".
Good Gawd
SCstepmom this is awful. My ex DH and ex princess SD acted like a couple. BUT THIS!
I would toss this shitty DH out and live a peaceful life. This is so creepy.
Agree!
he would come home to an empty house because he's not smart enough to know that his atrocious behaviors are deal breakers in healthy adult relationships.
Barf
Dump his a$$
Shortly after my exDH and I got married an almost identical situatuin happened. He bought a ring for SD with an opal, her birth stone. It cost more than the wedding ring he bought for me. He would deposit an equal amount of money into her bank account each month that he was paying me for 'his share' ($380) of the household expenses (I owned the house). For my birthday the first year we were married he gave me an oil change and a can of coffee. Last year, after 30 years of marriage I reccieved nothing. There were red flags all over the place in the beginning of our marriage, but from what I had heard, we would "learn to love each other". Not so.
If you are the 'bread winner' tell him to leave as soon as possible. If he is earning the majority of the money, start saving for your escape. I can tell you from experience this will not get better.
That's awful, Sandye. 30
That's awful, Sandye. 30 years of marriage to be ended! Wow. The last bit of advice is appreciated.
she must be a Disney princess to her Disney Daddeeee
and why are you with a guy that must be the twin brother of the cheapskate I left? Seriously, DaughterWife would get expensive name brand things for Christmas and birthdays and I got socks and an umbrella (not even gas money to make the 3 hour drive).
It's nauseating witnessing these behaviors and feeling invisible and devalued. There are some great men in this world that would treat you well.
Uh, SC, you are worth more
Uh, SC, you are worth more than that lie/life. I put my foot down on lesser but similar behavior towards a SD and I'm glad it's almost nonexistent now (holding my breath). Creepy. If I were you, I would get the hell out of there as soon as possible.
Beach Life
Living your Best Beacb Life - Im loving it
Im finding that I also am battlnig with a side-person - his BFF an adult male straight guy friend. He comes over 2-3 tiimes weekly, they spend Saturday fishing together and Monday niight when he came over I sat in between them watching movies and this guy looked like he was sulking. LOL.
I bet that was funny!
Snuggle right on in between the guys in their bromance and watch their reactions! Maybe the side person/BFF needs a new friend (male or female) to spend time with doing his hobbies? I'd be in Wal Mart recruiting people to be this guys new BFF! haha!
The bromance is strong in the BFF.
Time to ply all of the tools at your disposal to put the BFF in his place. I would recommend no three of you sitting together. Give him a folding chair to the side and you and DH sit together during BFF movie night., etc...... More importantly, limit BFF coming over to once every two weeks. Time to recover your marriage from the bromance assault.
Bromance Assault LOL
Im using that.
I dont like the movies they like. Ive tried a few times. Im ensconced in Bridgerton right now.
So Husband now has 3 chairs total. Im going to ask to sit next to my man next time.
But for now, they can sit around drinking and smoking and giggling at yet another go at "pacific rim".
Don't ask to sit next to DH. Tell BFF to move. Not a request
Not sure if this is good or bad. My family and my friends like my bride more than they like me.
I would not have it any other way.
Conversly, her famiy and friends like me better than they like her.
Tell the BFF..."Um, that'll be a no...you need to move"
everyone has their 'spot' in their home and like Rags said, put a folding chair off to the side for the BFF. If the BFF had any sense, he would feel that he's the third wheel. I've been the 3rd and 5th wheel around couples for meals or events and I make myself scare after the festivities and thank them for inviting me. This guy doesn't seem to realize he's being intrusive (if that is what it is).
Open the door and say, "It's time for you to go...see you next month" and smile
Hang in there!
Seriously? Uh, nope, that's
Seriously? Uh, nope, that would be the nail in the coffin for me, I believe. My BIL has recently renters the scene after many years of being gone. At this juncture, he's friendly and respectful of me, but I do wonder if that will change and I'd have yet another pain in the arse in my hands. Hopefully not.
Thank you for stopping by to
Thank you for stopping by to tell of your success, Olivia! Very happy for you that you had the strength to break free. Wishing you a forever of continued peace.