YSD's Visit
So the dreaded visit with YSD and sgkids is over
It was only two days, but they were two super looooong two days!
It started off seemingly well with everyone civil and getting along, and for the most part it really was like that.
I also wondered, after all the trouble she went to for me on Mother's Day, if that was just another big act to make herself look good, be on DH's good side, or if there was any sincerity in it
But by day two I started to notice some of the usual behavior from YSD that leads me to think the former
Among other things, I noticed over lunch at a beautiful restuarant we treated them out to that YSD while sitting in front of DH behaved very much like she used when younger; pretty much talked only to him, liked to talk about subjects they would find interesting but excluded me, or joke in the same manner (something they would laugh at but not something that included me)
Even when DH left the table to use the mens room, YSD started talking to sgd (she's five) rather than actually engage in any conversation with the only other adult there which was me
And this behaviour continued back at our home over dinner
When she was stressed about loading all their bags in the care before leaving and the best timing and I suggested while we were waiting for the dinner we ordered in to arrive YSD told me "that's fine" as in 'leave it' although she knew it would have been DH helping her with the bags. Right after that when DH suggests the same, she happily says yes to him helping her with it
Same thing the night before when I offered some after dinner treats - no to me and what I offered but the second DH wants something she tells him she'll have the same
But also more noticable is her reaction to how sgd bonded with me. The child was following me around, wanting to hang out with me and would plunk down in whatever chair I was in even if she had to practically sit in my lap. Very sweet child and I enjoyed her visit and YSD ignored all of this. But the moment SGD would bond with DH? Well all of a sudden glee from YSD, laughing and even pulling out her phone for pictures
It was very clear to me that a relationship between SGD and me was not encouraged nor celebrated by YSD like a relationship between DH & SGD, but ignored instead. I get that DH is the grandfather but seriously, no reason I can see for the double-standard except of course that YSD does not nearly like or accept me as she would like DH to beleive, but instead continues to be sneakily passive-aggresive towards me
Nothing major to get my nose out of joint over, but confirmation to me either way that no she just doesn't 'love me to bits' like she lets on and no she isn't 'super nice' to me like she would like DH to think, but as long as there is no open hostility or tension I can deal with it
And this is exactly what I said to DH after she left, before he gets any big dramatic ideas of how wonderful YSD is to me and how great she was on the visit which drives me nuts that he would even suggest it, or of course think I have the issue not her which I'm sure she would just love.
By the time it was getting close for them to leave even DH was counting down the mintues with SGS who is not even two and super crankly constantly throwing temper tantrums, not to mention throwing things, fell off his chair and hit his head, the house which is usually immaculate a diaster! LOL ....but apparently the child was more comfortable with us than BM where they were off to next. Have fun BM!!
She hasn't changed her stripes.
Despite the colorful, showy display she put on for you Mothers Day. That was merely for her own benefit and shows she is LAME: "Look At Me Everyone!" ...aren't I a wonderful daughter? I even included my wicked stepmother." Bleh. I doubt anyone bought it.
Her treatment of you is identical to what my SD does to me. Doesn't look at me, doesn't ask me anything, doesn't do anything a normal adult human being would do in a social situation.
She wants nothing to do with you, despite her over-the-top show for social media. Someone wise on STalk once said that skids use "withdrawal as a weapon"...and that's what your SD is doing. She withdraws herself from interacting or conversing with you as a means of her weapon of choice.
I am disengaged and expect absolutely nothing from SD and never will. I will be civil on the occasions I must but otherwise I want nothing to do with her. If she were not my SO's daughter I would never even want to associate with her on a superficial level. It's not just little things/behaviors she exhibits, it's actually who she is as a person. I find her deplorable.
IMO, don't get attached to the kids. She will have them on a rapid recall string, and will have no shame about yanking them out of your life on a whim.
2Tired, I think that's
2Tired, I think that's exactly it
"Doesn't look at me, doesn't ask me anything, doesn't do anything a normal adult human being would do in a social situation."
Yes both our SD's are one and the same, and use the same tactics. And to me their "concealed" dislike is obvious
It's her weapon of choice but one that backfires on her, as DH will not sit and ignore his wife during a conversation where there is just the three of us as much as YSD works for that and loves it
And I will always call a spade a spade to DH, especially about her and so make sure to mention how sad she had to resort to the same behavior as when she was younger, that I won't tolerate DH encouraging that, especally at this stage in the game.
Time to grow up YSD, otherwise you will wallow in your own conniving and self-misery as a result
As for me, I'm just enjoying my life and not letting her problem become mine!
Disgusting
These SD's are just awful arent they? They just love to play their PA games. Sad really.
Did your DH notice and what did he say afterwards?
Stepdrama, I agree it is very
Stepdrama, I agree it is very sad. Too bad everyone couldn't just be kind. Be accepting of each other and try to enjoy the visit. Life is too short.
And good questions! I think even if DH noticed he just carried on like all was good.
Last thing he wants to admit is that his precious off spring could be anything but perfect
It no longer matters to me, I refuse to pretend all is good and SD is wonderful, especially to me when that is not the case
At the same time, I think DH & I were both glad that other than that nothing major went wrong and he could enjoy a visit with his family. I'm happy for him as it's been a long time...
She must not be very
She must not be very intelligent to use such simple behaviors. Simple because it was obvious to pick out. Men really don't notice this crappy actions, I think they are caught up on the reflection in the mirror SD is aiming at him. She figured out how little effort it takes to fool dad , like what he does and he thinks better of me.
I hope you are done with the games for a nice long time.
Noticing behaviors
I wonder if the DHs ignore these behaviors so they don't have to address them. And it is so subtle that DHs can argue that SD wasn't doing anything and SM was imagining things or making too much of something so 'small'. The problem is all of these 'small' things add up to a big thing. In many cases, if you returned such behavior, DH would notice that you started leaving SD out of all photos and spoke only to DH. The next time she wants to drop by I would plan an 'unexpected' emergency where you will be 'unfortunately' gone for the duration of SD's visit.
Blessed are the oblivious
" ... DHs ignore these behaviors so they don't have to address them ... "
I think this is it. Hard to believe though it can be, men and women belong to the same species and likely have the same firmware built in. If someone's being an ass, a man will notice it as readily as a woman will. He'll likely ignore it unless it escalates to fisticuffs. Additionally, feigning obliviousness to these behaviors allows men to feel they're above all those silly women's concerns. They can pretend that women get themselves wrapped around the axles of nothing at all--purely imaginary sh!t that we make up to entertain ourselves, or because homones or witchcraft or <insert demon of the day here>.
On the other hand there are some very good observational studies of other primates that show females really are more reactive to social cues than males. Of course, even the most oblivious male will notice PDQ when those same social cues are directed at him. And some of the finest interpreters of subtle behaviors are military interrogators and LEOs, plenty of them male.
I'm inclned to think that any sex-linked differences in the ability to observe and interpret these subtleties are the combined result of built-in firmware and selective awareness. Which means among other things that a woman should keep a clue-by-four handy for those times when male attention needs to be directed toward some particularly egregious bit of social aggression.
Interesting Miss T,
Interesting Miss T,
I think our DH's do notice, they just don't want to admit or deal with it so pretend it's not happening
And sometimes sadly I think it even feeds their egos so they don't address it as they should
This is a great argument for
This is a great argument for disengagement. If we don't act as meat shields and make ourselves scarce then the reality of their kids behavior is in their face and there is no one else around to blame.
Yes that is true Surviving,
Yes that is true Surviving, and yes I hope it's a long while now before I get to put up with it again
I Feel Your Discomfort
I am slowly moving towards being around DHs kids again. It's been 4+ years since I've seen/spoken to any of them. Your post is pretty much what I see happening to me when the time comes. All nice and fake for as long as they can maintain to quickly go back to "as usual" petty behaviors. Dh's youngest has been here twice in the past 6 months - with my blessings - but the time I was home, I chose to completely avoid him. Stayed in my studio. The others still are not welcome here and after reading your story, I may delay that a while longer. As I was completely ignored with the grandbaby news/birth, I now want nothing to do with any of DHs grandkids. I am not a mean person and love children but I refuse to let myself be used and hurt anymore by DHs kids.
You are stronger than me....the minute the "old" behaviors started appearing, I'd have left the room and not returned. I'm so done with rude ass people.
Thanks CajunMom, sounds like
Thanks CajunMom, sounds like you're in a similar situation, and sadly know all too well what's it like. I beleive you're stronger than you think, and good for you for putting your foot down and refusing to put up with the nonsence!
Shunning's cousin
SD23 when she was living with us, used to do that. If I was in the room/at the dinner table, in the vicinity, she would ONLY talk with Husband. And if he referred her to me, such as when she was asking if she could have some of my hand-picked strawberries, instead of speaking to me, she would stomp off.
Treatment like that was my normal.
CLove, so rediculous when you
CLove, so rediculous when you think of it. Seriously! A stepbrat for sure
AAAAAND I just called her out last night
a few eff yous from her later, and she is permanently blocked. And Husband got the nasty texting too. So, Sd23 Feral Forger will have a nice life without Clove in it.
Good for you, healthy
Good for you, healthy boundaries. It's actually nice when they act really bad becasue it gives you an "out." When it's gray it can feel like you are being "too sensitive" or everyone can pretend the behavior isn't happening. Good for you CLove, buh byeee to Feral Forger.
I too, have had to put up
I too, have had to put up with being "invisible" or having to partake in family dinners while the SD's talk about all of the "Good times" that they had...prior to me. My DH and I have been together for 33 years. We ran businesses together, have gone on vacations together and have made piles of good memories that we entertain our friends and family with. Yet, the only thing that the SDs want to talk about when we are all in the same room, are the memories that they had from ages 1-17 with their bio-family because I can't contribute to those, and that seems to give them great pleasure. I can't help but think to myself, as I sit there being ignored: if family life was so fabulous during all of those years, why are you all so dysfunctional and why are you all not still one big happy family?
Perhaps it's because my SDs fail to acknowledge that they were witness to their BM being physically and verbally abusive towards my DH. Perhaps the SDs are in denial about all of the yelling that went on under their roof. They don't bring up the fact that he was never home, because he couldn't stand to be around his abusive and obnoxious wife. They never get nostalgic about the fact that their BM and my DH had a shotgun wedding. They don't reminisce about how my DH's ex-father-in-law gave my DH a black eye when, at the age of 20, my DH announced to him that he didn't want to marry his daughter because he wasn't in love with her. Those memories (which are probably disturbing or painful to all of them) never seem to come up in conversation because the truth hurts them. So they'd rather hurt ME by excluding me while talking about their factitious happy childhood as they re-write history before my very eyes.
Sure, I'd be foolish to think that my DH didn't have some good times with his kids, but we have all lived a lifetime since then. It is insulting and offensive for them to think that I actually buy into their pretense that they were all so happy at one time, and it is hurtful to me that they continue to carry on conversations that they know that I can't be a part of. I used to sit and ask questions when they'd talk about one of the 3 family vacations they took: "how long were you there?", "where did you stay?" etc., to feign interest but now I just sit and wait for my DH to realize that I'm not participating as it's not by choice. When he realizes what's going on, he is usually thoughtful enough to sway the conversation to something that I can join in on. He started doing this when I pointed out how obvious it was that the skids were purposefully ostracizing me from conversations.
I, like OP also am in the same boat with the SGDs. When they would come over to visit, the SGkids would CLING to me. If we went to visit them at their house, they'd take me to their rooms just to "hang out". It was fun, but I have no photos of ANY of that! However, if DH bumped into one of them accidentally in the kitchen, out came the cameras!!! "Oh, isn't that sweet! Grandpa is having a moment with his Grandbaby!" Really....???
Has he never told them that
Has he never told them that he doesn't remember "those times" like that at all?
Heavens, no! These two SDs are so daft, neither of them did the math with respect to OSD's birthday and DH and BM's wedding anniversary date.
The SDs only came to know that it was a shotgun wedding after dimwitted BM ran into one of OSD's friends in a grocery store and in conversation BM announced that, if she were still married to my DH, it would have been their 25th wedding anniversary. After that conversation, OSD's friend did the math and called OSD. She said, " Your mother must have been pregnant with you when she married your father. Did you know that?". The two SDS were in their late twenties when that revelation came to light and they were in shock.
When the SD's asked their mother about this new tidbit of family history, according to OSD, BM became very offended and enraged and said, "How dare you...!" and she stormed out of the room. How's that for Wacko... and denial?
They later asked my DH about it. He confirmed that it was a shotgun wedding. I don't believe that he has told them that he originally didn't have any intention of marrying their mother and that he was given a black eye to ensure that the deal went down by the SD's beloved grandfather, (BM's father). And I know for a fact that he's never brought up her violent temper towards him with them, although apparently they were present during some of her outbursts.
...so, no. He doesn't want to kill their illusion of a happy childhood, maybe because that would be one more thing for him to have to apologize to them for, since now they love to blame him for everything that goes wrong in their lives. He's in denial about them being in denial, if that makes any sense.
Time for these SDs to know the facts of their
Violent WombGrandAsshole(father) and their violent bitch of a BM.
Secrets facilitate delusion and continued abuse.
On the do the math note. My niece figured out the math between her parent's anniversary and her birthday when she was in her early 20s. They are about 4.5mis apart. We were all at a family dinner when she had that epiphany.
"Mom!" To which her dad (my little brother) replied... it was not just your mom. Don't forget to be shocked at me.
They will have their 29th anniversary in a few months.
Wow that really sums it up
Wow that really sums it up Birchclimer. Yes your SD's are living in a fantasy world, one they hatefully hope you'll buy into and are so wrapped up in proving how wonderful life was without you that they don't realize how see through it all is
Sort of sad really
33 years is a long time to be in their lives and to put up with that
My heart goes out to you
And I'm sure when I'm 33 years in my story will be no different from yours!
Good thing we can all just disengage from it and see them for who they really are!
Ah, yes, the SDs constantly
Ah, yes, the SDs constantly reminiscing about the same things every time they come over. It's to the point of pathetic that it's all they have. It used to bother me that they were doing it to exclude me, but now I laugh inside at their childishness. The last time my husband got suckered into the same conversation, I discreetly departed to use the restroom and waited until they'd exhausted themselves-took the wind out of their sails. If I were to mention the intentional rudeness of it, my husband would defend them and say I was imagining it. lol
Oh, of course. Much easier
Oh, of course. Much easier to blame us!
Daddy needs these facts.
With facts, it is harder for daddy to ignore the toxic bullshit perpetrated by his failed family princess spawn.
DH is your husband and that trumps anything. That also means daddy needs to keep his spawn in check with this crap.
Hahaha Rags, so true!
Hahaha Rags, so true!
I thought she had liked me!
DH's one daughter always seems to get along with me when we see each other. I always go all out for house guests. However she has never celebrated Xmas or Thanksgiving with us. Even coming the day after when it was clear she was available.
She was here a few weekends ago but it seems it was just a visit because they were in our neck of the woods. It was all friendly but the next day she was texting with DH and he said oh so and so wanted me to thank you for a great weekend. He was happy. I did not share with him my thoughts I thought it odd that she would not text me herself.
she has not texted me in over a year. Not sure what that is about. We seem to have evolved into a friendly in person than we are incommunicato all the rest of the time.
it works.
Time for her to experience
Time for her to experience her dad's hospitality only. Take a break and let him handle it all.
Newimprvmodel, that is a lot
Newimprvmodel, that is a lot like my SD
For the most part, she tries to be civil and polite in person. She doesn't quite pull it off but then when she's not here, just like your SD, next to no communication.
The occasional text to DH & I together, but very rare anything to me
But I'm just fine with that, I no longer text her much either...
This just happened
DH is FaceTiming this daughter today and makes a big to do to call me over and told me that she had made one of my signature dishes for her boyfriends birthday last week. She showed me pictures. So clearly it registers with her the care I put into their visits but there was no thought to share it with me. And I've sent her recipes and even cookbooks over the years. So I'm a great cook in her eyes but there is no meaningful relationship AT ALL.
I think it goes right over DH's head. I do the cooking and fussing over his kids for HIM. Not them. He does appreciate and is a great guy with all of my craziness this year.
Lol, My eyes read the last paragraph first and I read "fussing"
as "cussing".
It is frustrating when they likely willfully ignor us and the things we do and then scalp the good stuff we bring to the table.
Not only SD
But her wicked evil mother!! I had a signature appetizer like 10 years ago and SD loved it and last year it turns out that my recipe has become the ex's signature holiday appetizer. Go figure. lol.
No matter how nice we are to
No matter how nice we are to these SDs, the bottom line is that we are only dad's plus one to them. They are happy to milk us for our positive attributes - recipes, in my case it was free professional pictures - but we are still the Family Extra in good cases, Family Intruder most of the time I'd say.
My SD's, in their mid to late 40's, love the stupid games of private jokes, referring to things constantly that happened decades ago. I've never had a reaction, and sometimes I would laugh and ask a question about what they were talking about. This was frustrating for them and one time YSD asked why I never got mad when they talked about the past or their mother. I calmly looked at her and said "did you think I was not aware that DH was married before and had children?" Not much she could say to that.
OP, I haven't been on here in awhile, but it looks like your YSD hasn't changed. She's just showing off for daddy.
Next time she answers your DH and doesn't look at you, respond "what are you looking at? I'm over here!"
When they keep talking about
When they keep talking about things that happened decades ago, look worried and say, "I'm concerned about you. You seem to only clearly remember things in the distant past. Did you know that's a symptom of early onset dementia? I do hope you'll talk about this to your doctor..." And every time she comes over after that, ask her if she's talked to her doctor yet, ask her if she think she should be driving, etc.
Enjoy!
Heh heh heh......I could have
Heh heh heh......I could have fun with that! Thank you for the suggestion!
hahaha Sacrificial, that's
hahaha Sacrificial, that's exactly what I should have said to her!
You are correct about YSD not changing, same old same old
Can't beleive your SD literally asked you why you weren't getting mad at their comments, wow. Clearly that was their intent.
Have the theme song from "The
Have the theme song from "The Way We Were " cued to play on your cellphone. Lolol. Gawd. These SD's that never change make me want to puke.