Filed for divorce - epiphany of skids
I have lurked here for many months. Been checked out of any relationship with my two skids SD16 & SD18 as this forum helped me recognize the issues and collect my thoughts.
I think many of us in "blended" families (never really blends hence the quotes) fail to hold our spouses accountable.
As a result we suffer. Mentally, socially, and of course financially.
Consulted a lawyer and made a plan and then waited. I filed last week and left the divorce paper on center island so when her and skids came home from yet another outing without me it would hit them smack in the face.
Complaining or talking to me soon to be exW was waste of time. The real wake up was when I mentioned something and she just quipped, "you knew you married me and I have two kids"
Keep in mind I have my own 28 yo daughter who recently became a PA. I might have a little inkling on how to raise a child..,,
No more:
1. Dealing with disrespectful kids who just see me as an ATM
2. Having my personal life impacted by wife's ex and having no say (again, this is on my soon to be ex)
3. No more invasion of my personal life as wifes ex gets to makes decisions and I'm supposed to say nothing. Wife told me, "but it's the girls father".
4. No more stress of being an outsider in my own home.
5. No more dealing with kids issues in which my STBX will over ride or ignore any needed consequences further embolding the entitled skids.
About 7 months ago on weekends I stopped any effort to participate with wife and skids. Did my own thing on weekends. Hiking, then over night hikes, cycling, club cycling events, gym Took about 2 months before a thing was said if that tells you anything.
Then, it just got easier and easier to disengage. Now my STBX crying and claiming things will change etc. only when she's getting pushed out the door does she have an ounce of empathy for me as step parent. Too late beotch.
My soon to be ex is in a state of panic. Her 18 yo was to go off to college in 10 days and now those plans are ruined. Awwww, isn't that too bad.
Despire all the warnings, she didn't listen.
I switched my direct deposit to my own account few months back and paid off debt in prep for filing and then watched as it drained to zero. That was her first clue I wasn't fing around. When her debit card got declined.
So to those who feel disrespected and second prioritiy in your own home it's because your gut is right. Listen to it. Get out while you can. Skids aren't worth it if you have a spouse who isn't willing to carry the burden of managing them, their ex, and your relationship with you. If you bear that burden your spouse is failing you and the marriage.
I could write pages of comments and stories about what I went through but this site has been helpful hearing other people's struggles with step kids etc.
In most cases I read on here, the issue is the spouse and the skids are the symptom.
my advice avoid anyone with kids still living at home it just isn't worth it.
Glad you not only saw the light, but followed it!
You seem to have done about all that is reasonable to do, and it didn't work. Not sure of your details, but it sounds like STBX and her kids may have depended on you financially?
For what it's worth, you should be congratulated for being clear-eyed about the future. It doesn't get better with age. If anything, it can get more expensive and more complicated. Skids go on to have kids of their own and then you have an entire second generation of dysfunction. All the while you are expected to sit on the sidelines and keep your mouth shut and your wallet open? I think not.
I wish you well as you head towards the exit. You will have moments of doubt perhaps, but keep your eye on the prize - a future that is FREE, filled with possibilities, and far away from the burden of dealing with people who put you on a back burner.
Yeah this is why I pulled the
Yeah this is why I pulled the plug. Didn't think about that but if grand kids came along just means more dealings with her ex etc.
Then wedding drama and on and on.
Had not thought about that but she is no longer my problem and I hope she ends up homeless.
*grabs the popcorn* Did she
*grabs the popcorn* Did she have an epic meltdown?? Did you get to air out all your grievances?? I love it when SPs finally get the upper hand after being treated like garbage for so long!
Oh she melted down but I was
Oh she melted down but I was very specific. Told her I'm not going to sit there for hours and there is no negotiation.
Showed her the paperwork, told her the options and said anything else will now be via lawyer.
I so glad to be at this point. Only married 5 years so zero risk of alimony etc.
Good. I left my decision for
Good. I left my decision for my exH (we had no kids but he was a piece of work) on the kitchen counter so he saw it as soon as he got up that morning.
I didn't discuss or negotiate. I didn't get drawn into any reminiscing times like he wanted. I'd been treated badly, no more tears, and I was done.
I just switched into professional business only mode and went from there.
My XW and I did a single attorney divorce.
At least it started that way and ended that way though she did engage a different attorney until he fired her as s client.
Her first meltdown was an emotional hurt fest when I immediately agreed to her telling me she wanted a divorce and accepted her asset separation offer. When I told her to go file she lost it in sobs and dropped the "You won't even fight for me!!!!!"
I told her that I had been fighting for us for over a year and I was exhausted.
She had a couple of follow up meltdowns when I went for her throat in the divorce process when she tried to change the agreement she had offered and I had accepted. Though those were more vile snarling nastiness than sobs though there were sobs involved when my zero give a shit became clear to her..
Good on you for the well timed escape without long term financial consequences.
Her epic meltdown
Was her losing her ATM. How is she going to support her lifestyle. Get a job? Get another sucker / boyfriend? What are her kids going to do for money !
in reality, how bad the ex is, what ever she told you. The ex is her ture love, she may not be able to live with him. But she loves him.
That is the problem in many SF relationship, The ex is still there true love. They may hate them but but. Still love them . But no one will own up to that. Can't tell your SO that you love your ex mort then them.
I wouldn’t waste the hydration pissing on my XW if she was on
fire. I might even sell tickets for people to roast marshmallows on the flames.
When she filed, we were done. Fortunately I had no BKs with her.
Though we each had baggage, DW and I were able to minimize the impact of it in our marriage as we raised SS-30 together. Together we kept all of that mostly in the past.
She has a job and makes ok
She has a job and makes ok money. I just happen to have a well paying job and make a lot more than her.
But things like the four of us going to dinner etc ended months ago and she slowly started to whine. However so many times it was just her and the skids doing things and I was the outsider.
"So to those who feel
"So to those who feel disrespected and second prioritiy in your own home it's because your gut is right. Listen to it. Get out while you can. Skids aren't worth it if you have a spouse who isn't willing to carry the burden of managing them, their ex, and your relationship with you. If you bear that burden your spouse is failing you and the marriage."
Absolutely true. I didn't listen to my gut until I found this website and realized that I was NOT the problem, it was my husband and his complete lack of parenting. Don't get me wrong, his son is a lazy worthless POS, but I feel like my husband is to blame for that for the most part. I went through the exact same things you describe in your post. I was excluded and felt like an outsider in my own home. Every activity or thing we did (which wasn't much) revolved around his son (an adult). I felt like a roommate while my husband and his son behaved like a married couple. Neither worked, SS finally got a menial job a few months ago after a full 17 months of unemployment - he bitches about working 8-10 hours a week (I had originally posted a day, believe me, this lazy a&& does NOT work anywhere near an 8 or 10 hour day LOL). He sits around and smokes pot with his daddy. They were living a stress-free Peter Pan lifestyle on my dime. It became beyond ridiculous. I did the same: quietly got my ducks in a row and then just moved out. I'm not sure how XH and XSS are doing but I don't care. I have cut them both out of my life like a cancer and I have no intention of ever dealing with them again. I too plan to avoid being in a relationship with anyone who has any children, which at my age means I'll likely remain single. I'm fine with that.
Happy you found the strength and wisdom to walk away - it's not easy even when it's a mess. Believe me when I tell you, there's nothing but freedom and happiness ahead.
Good to see you Reedle! Was
Good to see you Reedle! Was wondering how you were after leaving - sounds like you are doing well
Hello!
Hello!
Yes indeed, I'm doing well. Glad to put that behind me!
Your courage is amazing.
Thanks for sharing the example of your journey.
Congratulations on starting your new life adventure with that
Shit show behind you.
I am sorry you had to live that hell.
Enjoy your new life.
Have you rekeyed the locks yet?
Here is something else I no
Here is something else I no longer need to deal with. If kids or STBXW needed something it got done right away.
Me? Yeah right fend for myself.
Need help in yard, doing house project or otherwise I learned to count on me myself and Irene as I'd be stuck doing it by myself or listen to complaint "are we done yet"
Refreshing to Read!!
Hallelujah!! So glad you found your way to StepTalk and that it helped get you where you are right now - FREE!! You & Rags should write a Guide for StepDads! Most posters here are SMs - but it's absolutely the same situation for unappreciated SDs... Really proud of you and your "take all prisoners" attitude! Impressive to say the least! Enjoy every moment being unshackled from selfish thoughtless and ungrateful females... BTW - we aren't all that way!! Just a reminder for when you have a chance to heal and repair damage to your heart and soul! Peace to you Brother!
Thanks I definitely still
Thanks I definitely still have the hurt. Fully invested my time and energy into someone who just took advantage of me isn't a good feeling. However knowing I don't have to deal with her much longer is a monkey off my back.
Unfortunately I have no family besides DD28 to reach out too for support so that's been tough. All while trying to keep up with work and its demands. Really draining to live this way.
Getting lawyers advice and then working to focus on myself the last 6-8 months is what got me here.
She would come home from shopping with skids and I started making sure I wasn't around when they returned. Then we she finally realized what was happening it was too late as I was never going back to family man mode.
I also don't want to burden DD28 with my drama as she recently got married. So the lack of an outlet has been the hardest to be honest.
Only my boss is aware and has been helpful to let me sort things out when needed.
Its crazy how we let someone treat us badly. You can read it in many posts right here on this site.
Beautifully Said
I could not have said it better. Best to you, Sir.
To those who go down this
To those who go down this path and start checking out of the shit show, watch how quickly they start playing victim when you start treating them exactly like they treat you.
To those who go down this
You are absolutely right. I wasn't married to the ex who had adult kids who were disrespectful, lazy, and wouldn't support themselves. Like you, my adult kids are independent (although one did have to be shown tough love when got off track). Like you, I made significantly more than my ex. I told him from the start I don't date men who have able-bodied adults relying on them for financial support. He knew my standard and hid the fact that none of his adult kids worked enough to support themselves. He had more adult kids than I did, and they started always calling for money. His whole mood would change where he would be irritable or just in a very bad mood. Once I realized this actually wasn't something new, but that he hid it from me thinking I would stay, it was pretty much the end of our relationship.
He didn't apologize, instead his excuse was he wasn't a father to his kids like he should have been when they were growing up so he compensates now because he felt guilty. I told him I didn't give a crap about his guilt. His guilt over something that happened long before he met me wasn't going to adversely impact my life. That if his guilt interferes with his ability to teach his adult kids how to be independent then he should either stay single or find a woman that has adult kids who are equal to his such as being lazy, dependent and disrespectful, and the two of them can deal with their toxic dependent kids together. He literally looked at me like he couldn't comprehend what I was saying. Lol. So I said find someone who takes care of their adult kids like you do because your adult kids will never benefit off of my hard work. He didn't say anything. I truly believe he thought I was going to come into his life and help take care of his adult kids.
Also wanted to add
Also wanted to add
I traveled with my kids when they were kids and as adults. He saw our pictures and decided a vacation we were considering going on he wanted the adult kids to go. He told his adult kids and I told mine. As he started looking at the prices of the destination, he thought he found good deals. I had to tell him the price he was looking at was per person not for everyone. To make a long story short, I eventually came right out and told him that my adult kids work and can afford to pay their own way and that I wasn't paying for anyone else's vacation. That I would pay for some meals and entertainment events but I wasn't paying anyone's way or for their accommodations. Needless to say the vacation never happened.
Other things happened which I won't go in detail about, but I did end the relationship with him over two years ago. Trust me when I tell you, she will have a hard time finding someone willing to tolerate the crap you put up with. Sometimes people have to find that out the hard way. My ex hasn't stopped contacting me despite me ending the relationship and completely cutting him off over two years ago. He has spells where he calls me daily, monthly, or weekly. Sometimes he stops for a while but then he will start doing it again or sending me messages. I am never answering his calls or responding to his messages.
With inflation, he is probably going through h-ll with his adult kids contacting him for money. They didn't want to work when things were more reasonably priced so I'm sure they still don't want to now. Lol. No reason for him to contact me because I have nothing to do with that toxic situation he created with them. Lol
I'm glad you've seen your
I'm glad you've seen your worth and won't be used anymore. She was using your for what she wanted at any particular time and nothing more. Stay strong and be glad it was only 5 years.
That's the part that hurt the
That's the part that hurt the worst. I cared about her but unless it benefitted her she didn't really care about me.
As with any breakup I'm glad to be at this point as now it's just sorting out the paperwork and money.
The more distance I got from her the more I realized how bad a deal it was being the outsider.
The skids create bad dynamics in a marriage and most people screw up dealing with it.
My mistake is should have done this sooner.
We have a little dog so he's the best part out of all this so at least I'll still have him.
Correction. You have a little dog.
She has a two legged dog that she whelped, or more accurately, hasn't whelped. Dogs have to be cared for and fed. Her kid... is a dog. Nothing more. Just like she is. She needed you to feed her and care for her and her puppy. Now, they will both go hungry. Maybe they will learn something.
Though I doubt it.
Congratulations!
Very well stated and loved the comments too.
Im glad that you were able to gain perspective - thats what I benefited from as well. My saving grace is that SD23 Feral Forger is no contact and living with BM Toxic Troll. So gradually over 8 years things have improved. My money situation is better and we bought the house, and both our credit has improved, we have gone on vacation just us together. There are some issues (my blog is full with them), however I am largely disengaged and do not feel like I support the child at all. The ex is largely out of our lives.
Your experience of being the outsider - that is a truly lonely one. I used to feel like that also, not as much now.
Hope you stay around to give advice to others! And keep us posted - vent if you need to.