Need Help-Adult SD up to no good...again

Hi Everyone. I need some help. My YSD has not had contact with us since JUNE. In June, she called my DH to reprimand him for not being in her life and her kids' lives, for being a BAD father and for not including them in his will if he should pass first. Then she said disparaging things about me. Then she demanded that he make weekly calls to her and the kids. He said he would try, but after that tirade, he understandably wasn't too motivated to keep in touch on a weekly basis. He also knows that her end game is to get him to change his will, and he's not falling for this "wanting to keep in touch with no ulterior motive baloney".

After her reprimanding call, we were so taken aback by her behavior, we sent an email to our lawyer to document everything and followed up with a call to him. He advised my DH that if he wants to have a relationship with YSD, he needs to set boundaries and tell her that he will not longer speak to her about our marital finances and about the contents of our will anymore.

Fast forward to November. No contact until then. YSD's birthday and her daughter's birthday (SGD) were in November, and we sent SGD a gift and a card. We sent YSD a card. We live hours away, so we mailed everything to them. We did not receive any notice from them that they had even received it. No "thank you"...nothing.

Today I opened this email:

"Hi Birchclimber,
I am writing this email for two reasons. Firstly, because going through you, is the only way to reach my dad other than by phone. SGD and I received our birthday cards and SGD received her gift. Thank you . I cannot call my dad because it is too painful for the girls and I to actually speak to him, which in turn causes us to again be hopeful that he wants to be part of our lives. We are now trying to learn to accept the unfortunate reality of this situation. Can you please pass on our gratitude.
Secondly, can you please let me know what year you were born, I believe you are only one year older than OSD, which would make that ****, but I wanted to confirm. Also, can you please confirm that your middle name is *********. I need this information to have a secret security clearance completed.
Thanks,
YSD"

In everything that I have ever read, the way to disarm a narcissist is to not engage, so I am thinking that I should not respond at all. As I have always been honest with DH, I do feel that I need to share this email with him, but I would like to be prepared for whatever it is he may say. Since I feel that now I am under attack, with this "Secret Security Clearance" bs, I think that he should not repsond either. But there's a part of me that thinks that he should respond and tell her to leave me out of her issues and also to tell her that if she needs to get in touch with him, she needs to use the phone rather than go through my email. He has already told her that, so the other part of me says that if he calls her at all, it is proving that she can actually get to him through me!

What would you do? and what do you think of her requests for my information?

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How do you think your DH will

How do you think your DH will respond if you told him? As for the security info those are valid and required information for security clearances. If you don’t provide them she can just put N/A, when they do her investigation all she has to do is say she does not know as she is estranged from that part of the family.

What does she think she's

What does she think she's going to dig up? I have never engaged in criminal activity. I've always paid my taxes. When I was in college, (40 years ago) I always paid my rent on time! lol What else is there??

It's quite the threat, letting someone know that they are going to dig into your past. Psycho.

She might need a security

She might need a security clearance for her job -- government contractor? Military? If she really is seeking a security clearance, it's her background that will be investigated, not yours, although the investigator might do routine check of your information and then move on when nothing "hits."

But you don't need to supply your information. I think I'd just turn the whole thing over to your DH and let him respond, or not.

Oh, okay. That clears THAT

Oh, okay. That clears THAT up! I thought that she had really gone off the deep end by threatening me with an investigation. Thanks Merry!

Sorry I should have clarified

Sorry I should have clarified what I meant, more than likely as Merry said she is getting a government job which requires them to look into her background. She is required to list relatives (their names, addresses and DOB), this would include you since you are married to DH. They are looking into her background, not yours, and if the investigator tries to reach out to you or DH for an interview in regards to SD you don't have to talk to them if you don't feel comfortable. Just a simple "We are estranged and don't talk to her, so I prefer not to be interviewed" will work.

And your SD should have

And your SD should have EXPLAINED WHY, in detail, personal information was requested. There's no way I would respond with personal info to a general inquiry.

My advice is block and ignore

OMG, drama much?

I'd tell DH and ask him to agree to ignore it. Do not feed this nor negotiate with a terrorist. I'd also make sure to ensure that my legal matters are tight with updates to the lawyer.

that e-mail is dripping with

that e-mail is dripping with her nasty. I'd ignore and ask your husband to also ignore. or if he feels you should reply. stick to as few words as possible.

Dear Stepharpy,

your father's e-mail address is: (make a gmail just for harpy mail.)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

and that's it.

Forward her email & note DH

Forward her email & note DH is cc'd on this email.

Ignore any further contact

Another vote for block and

Another vote for block and ignore. The govt already knows who you are. She is your enemy, anything you say/do can be used against you in the future.

And she's playing victim, which would be another block and ignore reason.

There is no reason for her to

There is no reason for her to contact you so block her number and her address in every way you can so you are never again bothered by any of her nonsense. If she wants information,she can call her father and HE doesn't have to answer her either.

Another vote for Block.

Another vote for Block. "Email? What email? I blocked her."

However, that won't stop her from creating another email addy to contact you. I had to create another email, inform the desired people, and update my accounts. The old email is still valid, but is used solely for online catalogs, etc. If BioHo says to anyone "but I emailed Aniki at [email protected]", they'd reply with "that's her OLD email addy".

The only reason she wants that info is because she's trying to dig up info on YOU. It would not be surprising if her intent is to impersonate you for whatever nefarious reason.

Thank you all so much! All

Thank you all so much! All of your comments and advice really helped, and it has calmed me down a little too.

As I give it more thought, YSD not explaining what the "Secret Security Clearance" is actually for, is a tactic to get me nervous and it worked (until I posted here) because I thought that she was setting out to dig up dirt on me. (She'd be disappointed if that was her plan.) She didn't offer me any explanation as to what an S.S.C. is used for. Could she not have included more of an explanation? Knowing her the way that I do, I'm guessing that she kept the request vague for that very reason. She wanted me to be anxious. I'd call that a form of psychological abuse, trying to make me paranoid.

Or, another way to look at it is that she made up this BS about the SSC so that I would have to respond to her email. If she just thanked us for the gifts and cards, I'd have no reason to respond. In including this request for my information, if I don't respond, she now has an excuse to call my DH because she'll say that she NEEDS this information for her to proceed with her job application/requirements. Then I become the BAD GUY for not giving her the information when she asked for it. I would put money on this scenario happening if she doesn't hear back from either one of us. And then her cycle of abusive rants and tirades will begin once again. With that in mind, I feel like I should now remind my DH about the advice that our lawyer gave him.

YSD sending me this email puts me in squarely in the middle of her drama. If I don't answer her back with my information, I am the Bad Guy! After the nasty things that she said to DH about me on the phone in June, I can't believe that she has the nerve to try to make me believe that we are allies and that I will obediently pass along her message of "gratitude" to her father.

Why do I have to overthink everything that these SD's do, until my head spins?

I'm Agree....

with Ignore and Block. She can call her dad. She can email her dad. She's doing her best to be nice in that email but as someone pointed out, snarky still comes out. She needs you apparently so trying to be civil. Nope. Let her put N/A if she really needs the info because if I needed this type of info from someone, I'd be super clear about why. (I'm applying for a job with XYZ and have to have the info for my background check). She did that to scare you. Again, Ignore and block.

Agree with the need to be

Agree with the need to be super clear.

But it's the first I've heard of one requiring a STEP parent's middle name.

Also wanted to add that

Also wanted to add that middle name and age/year of birth are pretty darn easy to find with a simple Google search. If you know someone's first and last name and a pervious address/city it will usually trigger on a website somewhere. She might not get your exact DOB but she would likely find your age.
Now if she starts asking for a SSN or mother's maiden name, then I'd be worried lol.

It's funny how if we google

It's funny how if we google personal information, it may come up for the general public. Yet, my skid can't answer two simple questions about my identity after being married to her father for over 30 years. She has the correct information, but she needs me to confirm it?? That says a lot.

She's testing the waters to

She's testing the waters to find an In for creating drama in your household.

That's why it's important that you don't respond.

Holy crap SD is so manipulative!

Holy crap! SD is so manipulative! I would stay as far away from her bs as possible. Here is how my response would read:

Dear SD,

Thank you for showing your true colors - which is a hideous rainbow of deceit, treachery, and greed the likes that I have not yet seen before. Please don't involve me in your F***-ed up family bull$hit. I love my happy little life and I love that you are not in it. Buh-bye. Never contact me again.

Love, Birchclimber xoxo

Good letter! It's honest and

Good letter! It's honest and to the point. Do I have to sign it, "Love, Birchclimber" though? That's not exactly honest! lol

I'd respond...

I'd respond to the positives ("You're welcome!"), ignore the rest and forward it to DH.

Update:

I asked my DH a "hypothetical question" last night:
DH, what would you do if someone with whom you have a strained relationship with, sent you a request for confirmation of your middle name and year of birth for a "Secret Security Clearance? Would you give it to them?" His response was that it was probably a scam and he wouldn't give them any information but he seemed confused about the question so I clarified it a bit more. "Even if you know this person and the person is family, but the relationship is strained...?" His response was, "No, I wouldn't give anyone my personal information. I don't know what they're going to do with it! So,No. And I don't know what a Secret Security Clearance is. It sounds like a scam."

Then I read YSD's email to him. He agreed that I don't need to give her that info and he also agreed that I don't even need to answer the letter. He said that she can call him, but I could see that her game playing tears him to shreds. I told him that her behavior is really getting ridiculous and I do not want anything to do with her anymore. I explained that I spent my morning being anxious about her vague request for my personal information and that is exactly the kind of controlling mind-game response that DD had wanted from me. My stomach was twisted in knots over the thougtht that she may be up to no good with my information.

I said that I didn't think we should send out her Christmas gifts, which I took great time and effort to pick out and to wrap last week. I said that if she wants to act like she's estranged, we should begin to treat her like she's estranged. He said that he understood me not wanting to be involved with her anymore, but then he sadly said, "I really don't want to be estranged from my daughter. I still want to send out the gifts, but I am going to write her a letter. I don't know why she's doing any of this. Nothing changed. I haven't done anything to incite this behavior from her."

Last night, after reading through your responses, I decided to send her an email back. Here it is:

"Hi YSD.

You're welcome!

Please enter N/A in place of my personal information on your S.S.C.

Thanks,

Birchclimber"

I have blocked her.

The triangulation that these

The triangulation that these freaks are capable of is still astounding to me. I've seen it enough that you'd think it wouldn't surprise me anymore.

You are not a messanger for SD. I love the suggestion of telling her you are a Russian spy and DH is an American spy. Lol

SD going all Secret Squirrel asking for your details is

pathetically hillarious.

Nope. Do not respond.

If she truly needs your details to get a security clearance, the FIS (Federal Invesgitative Service) will reach out to you. My SS needed a security clearance for his USAF job. The FIS investigator called me, scheduled the meeting, came to my work, and we spent about 1-2 hours in a 1:1 interview in a small conference room i booked for the meeting.

I call bullshit on SD's request. It does not pass the smell test. At least based on my experience with this process.

Update: The FIS was replaced by the NBIB (National Background Investigations Bureau) in 2016. I checked to make sure I had the FIS acronym right. Now it is the NBIB.

Thanks, Rags! Your

Thanks, Rags! Your experience with that helps.

...but I also call Bull on the request. The more I think about it, the more I believe she stuck that in there to scare me. Sadly, it worked, for a while.
**When will I learn??**

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Need Help-Adult SD up to no good...again

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