I'd have her there. It's not going to ruin her education if she misses a day (one single day!) for her dad's wedding. If your SO wants to be free to do what he likes for the rest of the day, well, you'll have grandparents, aunties and uncles there to take over for the afternoon. I really wouldn't exclude her. She'd be so hurt. It's a special day for her too ...

Had an officiate (my friend) on her lovely property, my parents and a few photographers and thats it. No skids to take away from the "us-ness"

Id keep it hush hush and not includer her in any more discussions about the actual court date wedding.

Include her in a limited way in the celebration with friends and family, but always keep you and husband in the forefront. Kids should be made aware that they dont always get to be the center of attention.

I'm going through this now. We're doing a courthouse wedding and were planning on two parties later on, one on each coast for our two families. BM got wind of it and is poisoning the SD's, so now they're all telling my fiancé and I to postpone because we didn't ask for their permission.

F$@k NO.  I'm not losing another family member before I get married. We're doing the courthouse with just us and two of our friends as witnesses, then the east coast party for my family, and maybe Cancun for a honeymoon. My mom even wants us to go to the courthouse asap (like tomorrow) so the girls and BM can't keep giving us sh$t about it.  I might even be married by Monday.

I worked in schools for years, and from my experience, since SD knows the day, she's not going to learn anything in school that day. Her day will be spent telling everyone that you are getting married and she wasn't invited. 

She may never forget her exclusion. My 70 something year old aunt still recalled her exclusion from a family event when she was a tween. (There was only so much room in the car and she could not go.)  I was shocked at how upset she was about it still.

Parents and siblings are coming. Isn't there one of them who can take charge of SD for the day? She doesn't have to go back to school, she can go home with one of them until it is time to be dropped off to BM.

Unfortunately, your SO created a problem by telling SD the date of your impending nuptials knowing he did not want her there. The best thing would've been to get married and tell SD afterwards.

It's a bit of a pickle now. His circus, his monkey. But there will be resentment and hurt feelings on SD's part if she isn't there. *unknw*

Mine came and all the kids behaved beautifully.  They all had new outfits, and (not suggesting you do this, but) we made the kids our Maid of Honour/Best Man.  It was a wonderful day with pictures of the whole family.  I wouldn't change it.

I agree with all of the above.  She's not going to learn a thing that day.  She's going to spend the whole day remembering that you two are getting married and didn't want her there.  Unlike some SKs here who will go out of their way to scream and sulk and ruin the day, you're lucky enough to have a SD that genuinely wants to be part of it.  I'd say buy her a fancy new dress, invite her to the wedding, maybe even give her a flower of your bouquet.  And after a few minutes of pictures and hugs, when you and your new husband decide to part ways with the family to do your own thing, you'll have arranged someone to take charge of SD for the day.  Maybe that means going out for ice cream with her and she spends the night with them.  Or maybe they bring her back to school so she can go to her practice and you'll pick her up after it's done.

I would highly reccomend erring on the side of including her, rather than possibly having her feeling hurt and being able to pull out as a teenager that you didn't even allow her to be at the wedding.

My DH and I eloped and had a party with our families and friends a couple months later. DH knew that BM would create drama If we tried to include SD so eloping just took that out of the equation. Unlike your SD my SD seemed pretty ambivalent about our engagement.

For our party we gave SD some jobs in planning decorating setting up and announcing when the food was ready. So she got to have a pretty big role in that party. She seemed okay with this.

Try to explain to your SD that the real big deal is not so much the wedding but the party and you want her to help you plan that. You could have her help you plan everything or delegate a few smaller tasks to her like food or decorations or recording gifts.

I personally would have her there. She can miss a day of school for this. I would make sure there is someone there to be her "handler" so you and your new DH don't have to worry about her. This is important!  At our small wedding, we did not do this and it was very annoying after the wedding to deal with OSD (YSD was ok) - until my SIL and sister stepped in to get her out of our hair and stop her tantrum.

She should have Zero say in the party or party planning. Maybe let her have one or two friends over, this will help keep her busy. But be clear to her it is not HER party.

Just because BM is being supportive now, doesn't mean she will stay that way. You don't want to give BM/SD any PAS ammo.

Many months before our actual wedding was even planned, Satan PASed Killjoy into thinking we'd gotten married without her. It was a miserable weekend, and I had no idea what was wrong, until GBM told me Satan had done that, and had called her to laugh about it.

Once we did decide on the day, we didn't tell Killjoy in advance when our wedding would be because we knew Satan would sabotage it one way or the other. That said, Killjoy and I made paper flowers bouquets together for both of us, for this unknown someday day, and I bought her a bridesmaid's dress.

We wanted her to be fully vested in the reality of our marriage. Satan lives in an alternate reality, and we didn't want to leave any room for alternate facts. On the day of our wedding, we told her about it that morning, and during the actual ceremony we asked her to participate with her verbal blessing. We were married, she was there, she participated in it, and there was no denying it.

It was a miserable day, I could tell she was worried about the hell her mother was going to unleash. She was a black hole of negativity. I remember the day with sadness, the pictures are awful.

If I were you, I'd cancel the courthouse wedding and tell SD you cancelled it. Schedule it for a different day, and don't tell her. Then have a pleasant, private courthouse wedding another day. It's important that no one ever tell her.

Then have another ceremony later, including her, in your backyard, or something. Let her ham it up. Anyone can perform an unofficial ceremonial ceremony, it doesn't have to be a real officiate. Or you could get a real officiate and make it a real second wedding. Or you could cancel the courthouse wedding, hire a real officiate, and make this your real wedding.

about it to have her come. There will be some family there that surely could take care of SD the rest of the day after the ceremony? That way she is included, but you and DH can do whatever you want for the rest of the day.

If you have decided to make it just about the two of you, then do not include SD.

You can have her involved by having her go with you to get your nails done or to help pick our your jewelry. Let her go to school and then, after school and after her practice, maybe meet her for a celebration dinner or ice cream sunday. Then give her a little locket or some other necklace or bracelet to make her part of the celebration.

There are plenty of ways to make her feel a part of it without actually having her there.

I'm gonna say, leave her out of it. If anything, pick another day and don't tell her. Then surprise her after school that day with the news and a treat.

When DH and I got married at the Courthouse,  we didn't have any of the children there.  Granted, my DD was in college and Thing1 and Thing 2 were high school freshman, while DH's were much younger, still in the custody of the Beast, and wouldn't have been allowed to attend even if we did want them there.

Just us, DH's parents, my mom, my dad and SM, and three of my friends, one of whom is a photographer.  

We told my kids, but we didn't tell DH's kids until the next time we saw them, which, as I recall, was about two weeks later.