Need to let go
It is very unfortunate how things have ended up. The short version- my wife and I got together, dated a year and I stepped in to the father role of her daughters which she said she wanted and we've been married 8 years. Over time I saw that not only did my wife not try to work toward the goals I thought we had in common, but constantly ignored concerns I had and things I did not agree to/with about raising children. It has led to me being more and more distant, especially the last few years, which she has said has "caused tremendous damage."
I do know it would impact the 2 younger ones for me to leave and it hurts me to think of that. However the way they have been raised and the lifestyle in this home is not even on the same planet as what I thought we would be doing. So as my wife says, I am miserable and it makes everybody else miserable.
We both still care for each other- I believe that. But she isn't willing to compromise or change anything and has said that very clearly, and I'm just more frustrated every day. Neither one of us wants to really end it so that's just making it worse. So now where I am is coming to terms and being the one to end it.
I've been through enough the last 2 years on top of the marriage/family issue and now ending my marriage and leaving those kids is overwhelming - I haven't found the way to go through with it and make it to the other side and be ok.
How old?
How old are the kids?
The younger ones are 14 and
The younger ones are 14 and 12. The oldest is almost 19 is a big part of the issue for me. I've had major concerns about her for a long time and not only was my wife never willing to see that- she allowed that one and her now husband to stay with us a few months ago despite my being against this for multiple reasons. They're still here and I don't expect them to leave any time soon.
Ending a relationship is not
Ending a relationship is not an easy decision. Are you both open to trying marriage couseling?
Early on when some of the
Early on when some of the first issues came up I suggested marriage counseling. And family counseling. My wife basically said she didn't see the relevance but if I thought I needed to go see a counselor that I should.
Counseling for you might be
Counseling for you might be helpful. Like I said, it's not easy to end a relationship. Counseling could help you through it.
I suggest you take her advice
I suggest you take her advice and go alone. Counselling will help you set your priorities, make your decisions and give you the tools you'll need to move forward.
Without specifics
Its tough to provide advice. But it seems like you would really really benefit from individual counseling. And definitely make certain that the person you select if and when you do this, that they are familiar with the step-family dynamic. Vent here when and if you find it appropriate. You can stay in this forum or venture out to the main blog forum on the home section.
It does help reading posts on here. My SD23 I nicknamed feral forger. A little bit before Christmas she called my phone because her father (Husband) wasnt answering or responding (smart) and demanded to speak with her dad.
Im like "whats up?" knowing of course what was up. I still wanted to hear it from her and be able to address her directly, because previously it had all gone through Husband.
Of course she refused at first, insisting on speaking only to her dad (on MY phone...)
She just told me "I need to live with you for a month".
I told her "well you hate me, have accused me of things, how exactly would that work living with me?"
After a few back and forths, she hung up on me and her father called, put her on speaker phone.
SO, I know of the struggles that adult skids can provide. They never age out of it.
That situation doesn't sounds
That situation doesn't sounds pretty bad. But at least it sounds like there is some level of support from your husband.
I don't really know what
I don't really know what counseling can do for me because I'm not a willing participant. I could go to a counselor and go through the motions but I don't think I would utilize it properly. Especially given the work that I do, I'd be overthinking and questioning everything a counselor would say to me. Even though I'm not a counselor, I probably have directed the same ideas and language on those I'm helping in my work.
I went through a bad period about 14 years ago with a stage in my life and I knew I had to work myself through it. Took me about a year.
I knew and feared this day would come. I just keep stalling. I keep thinking of the two younger ones. But I know they are almost who they are going to be as people and there's little else I could do at this point.
Just read your post
This is such a similar post to my own I made a few minutes ago, I probably should have included it here rather than a new topic. Just wanted to say I symphathise, and feel the beginnings of my own situation going the same way regarding my withdrawn-ness and distance.
I no longer look forward to doing stuff with my gf and the children, and I have noticed they've picked up on this themselves and are more reserved with me.
I have disabused myself of any notions of being an example or mentor to these two, their mum has that all sewn up. There isn't room for any extra guidance or input from me. It's a shame as I'll probably never have kids, and I would dearly like to pass on some of my own knowledge, which may even avoid them making the same mistakes I did at that age.
I usually ask this question,
I usually ask this question, I hope you think it over and reply honestly (to yourself if you don't want to post it here):
Where do you see your home, your relationship, your personal happiness in 5 years?
The bad thing is I already
The bad thing is I already know the answer. There is no future for me and my wife. I had thought about at least just of trying to stay until the two younger ones are 18 but I don't even know what for. But then when i really think about leaving I get stuck thinking about leaving those two.
Im sorry you are going through this
And as you stated above, counseling isnt the way you want/need to go.
It always feels like an angel losing its wings, when a stepparent decides to leave the relationship.
Ending relationships is difficult. Though not as difficult as
remaining in a crap relationship. Staying for the kids is an even worse decision. Particularly for kids that are not yours in any way other than by the relationship you are in. Skids are not yours unless you are married to their bio parent. Upon divorce... they are nothing. Upon the death of a spouse, they are only something if they continually earn that status with their behaviors and by engaging with you respectfully.
IMHO of course.
Leaving gives you a path to a new and brigher future. The odds of a brighter future when staying in an untennable relationship are slim and none. Not worth the risk.