Am I Being a HCBM

I've posted her previously as a SM. I'm divorced now, my exh and I have a 5 year old together. When we divorced he said he wanted her half the time, I told him I didn't think that would work and he immediately said he didn't want to pay child support and told me he can't afford it. I was okay with that, and hoped that he would use this time to get his life more together. So I have primary custody and he pays no child support.

While we were separated he lived with a friend for about 7 months and paid no rent or uitilities. I've had to pay the mortgage alone and I have struggled. I've recently found out that he has a girlfriend, he ditched both his kids to be with the gf on Christmas, and to be with her on NYE. He didn't buy our daughter barely anything for Christmas and bought her literally nothing for her birthday.

So now I'm thinking if you have money for a gf, don't you have money to support your kid? He lived it up this summer, going to concerts, sporting events, out to bars, etc while I had our daughter pretty much 100% of the time. H ealmost never saw her or even bothered to call her. He has driven drunk multiple times and actually totaled a car last month and got a dui so he has that to pay for now also. Is it wrong to think if he can do all this he can pay some form of child support?

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Maybe if he paid child

Maybe if he paid child support it might make him a bit more responsible because he would have less money to play with.

He's shown he can't be trusted to uphold his end of the deal (visitation) so I wouldn't feel guilty in the slightest about going after him for child support. He's gotten off too lightly.

Thank you. The CS guidelines

Thank you. The CS guidelines show he'd have to pay $1600 a month. I asked him for $300 and he's losing it.

Don't ask him, make him pay

Don't ask him, make him pay via the court if necessary and don't let him off lightly. He's been a lying turd that behaves like a teenager so far - why make any more concessions?

He should be supporting the

He should be supporting the child he created. The CS is for the child.. if you don't "need" it you could always just put it in savings for her when she goes to college.. or reaches adulthood.. but raising a child IS expensive.. and it sounds like your EX is pretty irresponsible overall... but he should be paying to support his child. The fact that you "let him off the hook" for a while probably to avoid drama doesn't mean you can't request it now. I would do it for the reason that he needs to support her.. I would not bring up that the driver is you see him spending money elsewhere..like the GF.

He could try to get more custody I guess to see if it could go to zero.. but his recent DUI could be a monkey wrench in those plans for him.. showing lack of responsibility.

He is very irresponsible. I

He is very irresponsible. I really hoped me filing for divorce would get his priorities straight but it hasn't at all, I think everything is moving in the wrong direction.

I would file for CS, not

I would file for CS, not because of the new girlfriend but because you gave him time to get his shit together and now he needs to start taking care of his kid.

You can always accept less than what the courts award, I take about $300 less a month than our calculations stipulate. However, something to help take care of your joint child is important.

I asked for $300, the online

I asked for $300, the online calculator says the amount would be $1600. He was so mad. He kept saying he doesn't have a problem supporting her, but he has to pay for his dui lawyer, he got an uninsured motorist fine he has to pay, he has to pay to register a new truck that he bought after totaling 2 vehicles in 6 months because of driving drunk, he messed his knee up the last time he totaled his car and got a dui and he needs to pay for an MRI and probably knee surgery now...the excuses are endless.

Well that's just too damn bad

Well that's just too damn bad. Poor decisions are usually expensive. It doesn't stop your child from needing food, clothing, school supplies, a roof over their head, etc.

So true. And I don't think a

So true. And I don't think a 5 year old should be the one missing out because he can't make a good choice.

Oh screw him then! I would

Oh screw him then! I would just file in court, don't say another word and let the court decide.

His bad decisions aren't your

His bad decisions aren't your problem, and your daughter is not less important than a truck and insurance. He'll have to figure it out.

I would make this strictly business -- he is responsible for supporting his child, and the state has set guidelines. You tried to be nice, supportive, gave him opportunity to do the responsible thing. He hasn't. You are under no obligation to make your life harder in order to spare him the consequences of his actions. In fact, your forcing him to face his responsibilities might be the best thing you can do for HIM too.

It might be worth it to work through your lawyer to make child support happen so that you don't have to bear the brunt of his anger. "My lawyer is handling the details...contact him/her." Rinse, repeat.

Does Drunky pay CS to BM1 for

Does Drunky pay CS to BM1 for exSD? If so, did you take that into account in the online calc?

Did Drunky get one DUI or more?

Yes, he pays her CS and I

Yes, he pays her CS and I took that into account.

He got one DUI, early this past December. He had another drunk driving incident in October but nothing came of that one.

Oh the poor dear, so much to

Oh the poor dear, so much to pay for ... Well, tuff, he pays for his daughter first, she is a minor and his responsibility. There's no question about not being "able to afford" her support!

I would get a CS order and

I would get a CS order and take whatever the courts recommend. If he cannot afford what the courts recommend, then he needs to evaluate his financial priorities. He doesn't get to walk away from your child without providing some contribution. If you don't need the money, then put it away for your child's future - whether that be college, buying a house, their retirement, etc.

At the same time, I would also use this time to adjust the custody agreement. If he hasn't taken his visitation and is a danger due to drunk driving, maybe he isn't suited for 50/50. I would hate for him to start taking his visitation all of the sudden, just to avoid paying CS. I think an adjustment needs to be made to ensure the safety and well-being of the child. I am sure you have tons of proof of all the missed visits. Maybe he needs supervised visits for a while.

I think it's time to go to court.

He doesn't have 50/50, he has

He doesn't have 50/50, he has her every other weekend from Friday after school until Sunday at 6. Starting next week he said he wants to pick her up on Mondays and Tuesdays to take her to dinner and spend some time with her and his other daughter.

Luckily, he has an interlock in his truck now and will have to have it for a year so he won't be able to drive drunk for at least the next year. But I am worried about what happens when this is off his truck. He told me after this dui that he was done drinking for a long time, he literally could have died. He drove the wrong way down a highway and drove his car into a concrete pillar. That he didn't seriously hurt himself or someone else is a miracle. But he's already drinking again, just a little a month after he got into this accident. His judgement is terrible.

Sorry, every other weekend in

Sorry, every other weekend in my state is deemed 50/50 with the weekday parent being primary.

Even every other weekend can be too much if he is drinking. He is likely impaired during his visitation, which could put your daughter in jeopardy even if he isn't driving. She is only 5. What if there was an emergency like a fire and he was drunk? What if your daughter was seriously injured at home (accidentally cut herself, burned herself, etc.) and he was drunk or passed out? I would hate to see something happen to your daughter because he's too impaired to function.

Oh, we have talked about this

Oh, we have talked about this! Our agremeent states he is not to drink when he has her. I facetimed him to talk to her a couple weekends ago and there he is drinking a beer. I was like you aren't supposed to be drinking when she's with you. And he said he didn't think it mattered since he has the interlock in his truck now. I said yea it still matters because if there's an emergency you literally aren't going to be able to start your truck to get her to the hospital or urgent care. I don't understand his need to drink when he has his two young kids with him. I told him I think he's an alcoholic and he said he's not, but I just don't get it because I don't like to drink as much as he does.

He says what ALL alcholics,

He says what ALL alcholics, not in recovery, say. But you have enough proof that he's an alcoholic.

Step 1 of the AA handbook reads "Step 1: Honesty. “We admitted that we were powerless over alcohol — that our lives had become unmanageable.”

He's not being honest. He is powerless over alcohol and his life has become unmanageable.

He drove the wrong way down a

He drove the wrong way down a highway and drove his car into a concrete pillar.

I looked it up online and it said for his weight he would have to drink something like 13/14 drinks an hour to be as drunk as he was. It is a miracle that no one died that night.

I facetimed him to talk to her a couple weekends ago and there he is drinking a beer.

Oh, hell no. JFC. He blatantly drank right in front of you?? Screenshot that. Next time he's so friggin drunk he drives the wrong way on the expressway into a pylon, your baby could be in his car.

Thankfully he has an

Thankfully he has an interlock in his truck and should have it for the next year. I'm worried for what will happen when it's removed if he doesn't change his lifestyle.

UGH!

Awesomeson's dad used to pass out during his visitations. He lived in a high rise subsidized apartment. I had to instruct Awesomeson what to do in case of a fire or an emergency. His dad also smoked and would fall asleep with a lit cigarette.

Sorry, every other weekend in

Sorry, every other weekend in my state is deemed 50/50 with the weekday parent being primary.

I would get a CS order and

I think it's time to go to court.

his other expenses are of his

his other expenses are of his own making, I'd discuss this w/ your atty. and from here on in I'd switch to mainly text for discussing things. Then you have a trail of what he's saying.

Get Thee To An Attorney

Do not negotiate with him. He needs to pay the full CS for the child he helped create. His life style says he has LOTS of descretionary funds. DUI's, totalling trucks, out and about with the new GF. Have your attorney address his serious drinking issues and put those "no drinking" mandates into the CO. And with his excessive drinking, I'd try for supervised visits. Not like it's going to hinder him from seeing his child.....he hasn't done much of that anyway.

Ursula….

If this person fathered a child, this person must and should pay something. He should have thought all of this out prior.

Some advice that I have seen work if he has an issue regarding the small amount you have suggested. Tell him this is ballpark what I make and I suspect this is ballpark what you earn. Here is the link to the state child support calculator. Inform him he has 24 hours to get back with you on his decision before you contact the court child support agency. When he sees what he is required to pay as opposed to what you have asked...you will have no further trouble in that regard

You have been too nice to this man. You are everything the opposite of conflictive. Your daughter is deserving of financial support. This scummy guy seems like a real piece of work!

Live well...you are a good lady!

Thank you so much. I have

Thank you so much. I have felt this obligation to take care of him and make sure he is okay. I always did when we were married and even now, there's part of me that feels bad because I know he is likely going to lose it all. But that's all his own doing. He didn't file taxes for a decade, he spends money he doesnt' have, he goes out driving drunk. That's not my fault.

Not securing your DD's CS money from daddy just funds his

partying,.

Stop that.

Honestly.. you need to not

Honestly.. you need to not worry about whether he "likes" you.. if he liked you.. and you liked him.. you would still be together. I would tell him, this isn't personal.. but you will be filing for what you are entitled to.. that you already gave him time to get his act together..but these other issues don't change the fact that his child is entitled to his support. period..

I mean.. what is going to get worse? he's going to complain to a 5 year old that mommy is making him broke? a kid he barely takes an interest in and ditches easily? your child knows who is the real parent here.

Thank you. Honestly I don't

Thank you. Honestly I don't know what could get worse. I know he has taken his dislike of his other BM out on his other daughter. And I don't want him doing that to ours. But I can't just do whatever he wants to keep him happy at the detriment of myself and our daughter.

My DW used to have the same philosophy. if she did not hold the

SpemClan accountable for caring for SS when he was on SpermLand visitaiton, they would not take their toxic crap out on the Skid. That was her prmise anyway. They did take their crap out on SS.

After a few years early in our 16+ years under the visitation CO, DW gained clarity that they were taking their crap out on SS regardless. So, she put her foot on their throats and kept it there. Though she would feel guilty and back off occassionally spouting that they have been good for a couple of years and she thought they were past being toxic. The second she took her foot off of their throats they would immediatley start the shit all over again. Basically a give them an inch and they will take a mile situation.

Get a CO, get a CS order, get a visitation schedule and hold your X accountable. As challenging as that is, it is the best way to manage an out of control X.

IMHO

This is my input on his drinking. I'm definitely not a purtian about drinking and I don't see a problem in drinking moderately around children but not being able to hold off on having a beer when he's around his daughter is a really bad sign especially when he has multiple DUIs.

Plus who these days is dumb enough to get into a car and drive drunk let alone blind drunk like he must have been to drive down the wrong side of the highway? I'm so glad he didn't kill someone. But I feel for you having to deal with him. Its going to be painful.

I'm the same way. I have no

I'm the same way. I have no problem with people that drink in front of their kids. I do it. I had our daughter with me on NYE and I was with family and had a couple martinis to drink. But I knew when enough was enough because I had to drive home. I don't remember what his BAC was, but I looked it up online and it said for his weight he would have to drink something like 13/14 drinks an hour to be as drunk as he was. It is a miracle that no one died that night.

And this is why you get a CO and the CP nails the NCP for CS.

Enforcing a CO and a CS order is not a HCGUBM thing. It is an intelligent and responsible divorced CP thing.

Get back to court, get an CS order.

NOW!!!!

If he is paying no CS, he is not housing his child, he is not feeding his child, he is not clothing his child, he is not providing medical care for his child... and on, and on, an on, and on.

These nit picking nanny oversight agreements "drinking, overnight adult guest, etc......." are a waste of time and a huge distraction. Visitation schedule and CS. Those are what are in an effective CO IMHO.

What your X does in is life is no longer any of your business nor is it your concern with the exception of behaviors that endanger your child. Since he is not taking any visitation, what he is doing has no impact on you or your child .... other than the fact that he is a deadbeat and not paying CS. His DUI is certainly concerning.... if he was actually seeing his child.

IMHO of course.

Thank you for the reality

Thank you for the reality check, Rags. You all are right.

Take care of you and your child.

Deep breaths.

If you are not already doing

If you are not already doing so, please start documenting his visits so you can clearly bare his arse about wanting 50-50 NOT to have time with his daughter but only to avoid paying CS. Show that if he got 50-50, not only would he not pay his due but he would never bother seeing his child.

^^^This^^^

Documentation will be a huge help, especially as you can bet he'll try to get as much custody as possible.

Are you on good terms with his other BM? She might be a useful ally, and it might be best for both his kids if he's reduced to supervised visitation only.

It sounds as if he's spiralling. You're totally within your rights to hold him accountable for supporting his child, but keep your expectations at zero and don't count on regular CS from him. I know you once loved him, but you need to accept that your ex may not ever step up for your child. At this rate, he may not live long, either.

Hugs to you, Ursula. This stuff is hard.

I was never on good terms

I was never on good terms with BM, but we are now. I let her know about the DUI for SDs safety. My exh was pissed. BM told me that SD misses my DD and I have some plans to pick up SD so she can spend some more time with my DD. BM and I are keeping each other informed of anything that we know going on with ex to try to keep the kids as safe as possible.

I agree that he is spiraling. i knew he would probably lose it all if we weren't together but I never saw things taking this turn.

You really should talk with

You really should talk with an attorney. You have two issues: securing cs, and keeping your child safe. Let your attorney know BM1 is an ally, and ask how best to utilize that. With guidance, you may be able to accomplish this pro se.

Ugh I am so sorry! Last thing I remember about

you posting on here was considering moving to another town and how that would effect school for SD and your DD. It was very kind of you to let him get his shit together so he could better support DD, but clearly he took advantage and it sounds like he is just a user in general. I would definitely file for CS when it sounds like not only is he not supporting her in any way financially, but also he isn't even being an active part in her life or sounds like trying for either of his kids.You did not have to give him a chance and it is not your fault he got a DUI or any of his hardships.

He is for sure a user and has

He is for sure a user and has leeched onto his next victim already. A bartender a good deal younger than him who also has a DUI. I can't wait til he introduces our daughter to her.

Right after the last post I made, another reposession notice came in the mail after he told me he had been paying his car payment. I was done after that. I kicked him out and filed for divorce 2 months later.

Next thing you know he will knock up the bartender

and have a third child he cannot support.

Yeah, I don't blame you. You don't need him dragging you down with him. Sounds like you got out just in time and your DD is lucky to have you. I saw above how he is now requesting additional time with DD using SD as an excuse when he can't even take the time he already has. Definitely sounds like he is trying to make a case for the least amount of CS to pay

OP needs to get her CS order in place before that happens.

Order of birth and first to get a CS order maintains that financial advantage for the entire duration of that kids minor years.

At lease that seems to be the case for many.

Birth order counts in the claim against NCP income for CS.

It's not his daughter's fault

It's not his daughter's fault either.. I would be quite sarcastic and say.. "Oh ok.. well.. I will tell our daughter it would be great if she could stop existing since supportin her is so inconvenient to you. no.. seriously dude.. I gave you a break at first.. so you could get a bit more solid.. and you have screwed up even worse.. Don't make your problems a problem for your child. If you need more money.. get a second job.. I don't know what else to tell you."

You are still enabling an

You are still enabling an addict, stop! It’s up to him whether or not he chooses to get clean and sober, but it’s not up to him whether or not he gets to support his children. Get a lawyer, have your CO re-evaluated to include his drinking issues and being around your child. File for CS, know that these two are going to be separate issues. It’s not your job to overcompensate for him anymore so stop.

Nope, not high conflict at

Nope, not high conflict at all. He is responsible for providing part of the support for his daughter. It's not your money, it's money for her support. I'd file for what you're entitled to and if you can get by without it, put it in a college fund for her. At this point you have status quo for his lack of interest in parenting time; it'd be pretty apparent if he went for 50/50 now that he solely wants it to get out of paying CS. Also, you might as well get in line in case he knocks up the gf and has another child to support.

ETA: Is he still taking his 50/50 time with SD, or has he ditched her, too?

He just recently stopped

He just recently stopped doing 50/50 with SD. BM and I live 10 minutes from each other (I'm still in the house we lived in together). He moved to a place about half an hour away and was having to wake SD up at 5:45 every morning to drop her at BMs before he went to work. SD was miserable and so he has gone to having SD every other weekend and is now picking her up on Mondays and Tuesdays for dinner only rather than overnight stays on Mondays and Tuesdays.

I certainly hope you don't

I certainly hope you don't come back here to announce their death from his drunk driving habit. Why are you waffling about holding him accountable when you are accountable to your child? Get your butt to the lawyer and get it done. Make the CO nice and tight so he can't just have her whenever. He has to be sober. Garnish the wages. You know what ask for. You know what you need to keep your kid safe.

The longer you take to get it done, the more chance for a tragedy.

We have a CO that addresses

We have a CO that addresses his time with her. He has her every other weekend, the same weekends that he has his older daughter and the same holidays too. In our CO it says no drinking. Thankfully he already has the interlock device installed in his truck and should have it for at least the next year so he cannot drive drunk for the time being. I did not let him drive with her at all until he got the interlock put in his truck.

Did he have access to GF's

Does he have access to GF's vehicle? I'll bet that doesn't have the interlock. He's already proved himself incapable of making good decisions. I don't think I'd rely on the interlock.

I honestly don't know, and i

I honestly don't know, and i know he won't tell me, which is so scary. An online search says that he can legally only drive his own vehicle with the interlock or face fines and jailtime, but it's not like he has good judgement so who knows what he will do. It's really scary.

Legally

Doesn't matter to an alcoholic. You are not responsible for his downfall although he'll try to claim it is.

See an attorney stat and get what is coming to your daughter. You will most likely need supervised dropoffs and pick ups.

Legally he wasn't allowed to

Legally he wasn't allowed to drive drunk in the first place. This guy doesn't follow the law, he does what he wants. I would document as much as I could and try to get his visits supervised until his drinking is under control.

Another poster told us about

Another poster told us about a device called "soberlink".. which could ensure random breathalyzers while he has custody.. it has facial recognition.. and other means of ensuring that the actual proper person is being tested.. considering his wrong way DUI.. I might not 100% trust the interlock.. if he could borrow a car.. etc.. and in the end.. if he drinks to that extent... he isn't all that safe in the home.

^^^ This! Please try to get

^^^ This! Please try to get something like this ordered as a condition of your ex having parenting time. He is a danger to both your daughter and SD.

Do you have in a text message

Do you have in a text message or writing that he wanted 50/50 because he couldn't afford CS? Also, I would just keep it simple. Request the CS amount that is owed. No need to go into details about his personal life and how he uses his money... it can come across as jealousy for the new GF and look like you're only wanting CS because of his new lifestyle. Good luck!

I think you should get the

I think you should get the legal amount of CS based on your state's calculation, and use it for the betterment of your child's life. Unless you have "fk-you" money to spare, i'm guessing there are many things it could be used on. A safer neighborhood maybe, a better school or tutoring, an extracurricular activity that could enrich your child's life. Even if you aren't struggling to survive day-to-day. Keep things as simple and drama-free for your child as possible. Get a CO, follow it, and don't engage in any extraneous or sentimental interactions with your ex, no matter what kind of sob story he may tell you.

It looks like a man with a

It looks like a man with a history of depending on women financially. He isnt spending any money on his new gf, she is probably spending money on him. Thats why he preferred spending the holidays with her because there is a benefit (financial and sexual gain) but spending time with his kids doesnt bring him any personal gain

You may go for CS but if he does not have a job, 20% of 0 still equals 0. You must accept that he wont be an active father neither financially nor emotionally and find an alternative. If you are able to put him on child support, that would be a couple of hundred dollars for your child but you still have to figure out the mortgage situation

The CS calculation for $1600 for one child would only be accurate if he makes a lot of money. My husband has 4 kids and 2 orders and he pays $1200 in total and that is with both mothers claiming not to work (they work and have multiple incomes but there is no point to take them to court because we know that the CS will just be upheld or increased)

Good luck but it sounds like you are on for 18years of single parenting and providing.

Even if he won't pay it , it

Even if he won't pay it , it will follow him around. He won't be able to escape it. Any tax refunds will come her way. It will cramp his lifestyle. The kid is due it.

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