Killjoy's Car Insurance
When Killjoy was old enough to drive, we bought her an inexpensive but high quality used car. Our expectation was that when she went to college, she'd live on campus and take the bus, so we bought something that would last her through HS. Our goal was to increase her maturity, confidence, and independence. A nice side benefit was that she was able to drive herself to her sports practices, freeing up a lot of DH's time. A bad side effect was that she was now one of the "special" students who got to drive a car to school everyday instead of taking the bus, which increased her already unbearable narcissism.
I've written before that she played a travel sport, which was extremely expensive. All the costs of this sport could have gone a very long way towards paying tuition and expenses for university. The sport also served as an excuse for Killjoy to not get her first job until she was 18.5. DH and I both started working by the time we were 15, younger if you count babysitting and lawn mowing. IMO, it's unacceptable for a 16+ to not start learning some empathy for the working class. Instead she was treated like royalty, everything revolved around her and her sport. DH severely exaggerated her skill.
DH insisted this sport would yield her a full scholarship at a four year uni, but I knew he was wrong. She ended up only getting free tuition at the local CC. They decided she would go there for a couple of years and try again to get a scholarship on transfer to a four year.
It would have been cheap if she could have lived with us, but we kicked her out. I can't imagine my parents kicking me out for something heinous and paying my rent for an apartment where I could do whatever I wanted. To me that sounds like a reward for really bad behavior.
I insisted she needed to work at least part time. The plan was for her to split a house with three other girls, the rent would have been only $300/mo, utilities included. DH cosigned her lease, and gave her 2k to get started. He claimed he wouldn't give her more. But I have been still paying her car insurance.
She ended up with two roommates, which raised the rent to 400, and the landlord stuck them with the utilities, so then 500. She got a cash job for $15/hr walking distance from her house, so ten hours a week of work would have more than covered it, fifteen hours a week total would easily cover rent and groceries. But working parttime, school, and her sport sounded like a lot. School never came easy for her.
She doesn't have a plan-ahead mentality, never has. She used to mock me for how I shopped, buying more of something than I needed so I wouldn't have to shop every week. As if that is a legitmate failing. Not like her mother, who has all the time in the world to wait until she runs out of something to make a special trip to the store. I work for a living, and I don't steal from people.
I always suspected she would only earn enough to cover her bills for the week. Her car had outlived it's intended life expectancy, so we told her the car was only for school. But I always knew the car might die at any time. And she stupidly got her apartment off the city bus line.
Last Summer she barely worked at all. Burned through the money DH gave her. Only then did she finally start working more hours at her job. Last September, I saw a text she sent DH asking if he would take her away for a weekend, which would require her blowing off work. (She was jealous we took a camping weekend for Labor Day with MIL/FIL, vacations are a sore subject she always needs to even the score on.) There may have been more such texts, that was the only one I saw. Then Thanksgiving, she took the car to Satan's house thirty miles away, against our rules. (Satan moved across state lines to maximize her welfare benefits.)
Then in mid December, she took the car again to Satan's house, and got stuck there. She waited days to contact DH over it, and he gave her instructions over the phone to get her car started. She'd blown off work, so he yelled at her.
I asked him why TF she had her car at Satan's. He said she was there from Thanksgiving. I said Thanksgiving was three weeks ago. It was later I remembered that mid December is Satan's birthday.
Well, when DH and I were on vacation in mid January, her car finally died. She had to wait until we got home for DH to get it started and take it to the mechanic. The cost to fix it wouldn't be worth it, she needed another car.
Turns out she's short on funds. Her "mean" boss cut her hours in mid-December for "no reason". Weird.
We used my connection to a dealer to find a great used car for her. DH said he would give her 2k towards it, but her ended up giving her 2500, and cosigning. Her payments will only be 100/mo. But because of the loan, her insurance went up.
But she decided she doesn't want to go to college for four years. The school had a Career Day mid January, and she met some ladies who have a party planning business, and one of them is retiring soon, so they are training her to be a party planner. They give her plenty of hours. But the resort town is closer to where Satan lives. So starting this Summer, she's moving in with Satan for free rent.
She doesn't need a degree for her new chosen career. And driving 30 miles for classes and her sport, then 30 miles back for work and then 10 miles to Satan's house is a lot of driving on a used car.
Plus the amount she's saving in tuition by doing her sport is less than the money she'd earn instead working the hours she spends playing the sport. So she could drop the sport, maybe go to school parttime if she wants to, and attend the CC closer to Satan's house.
DH says she "wants" to finish a two years associates at her current school with the free sports tuition. I'm tired of hearing what she "wants".
Not at my expense. IMO, she should start paying her own car insurance. I'm tired of paying for her sports.
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Comments
Since she is moving in with
Since she is moving in with Satan rent free, she should have plenty of money to pay for insurance and gas on her car. Also I would make it clear that if she wants to travel so far for college when there's a closer one nearby, that when her next car dies, she better have some money saved for a new one or prepare to take out a auto loan. These kids need to start living in the real world, I swear.
Agreed. I told him I am
Agreed. I told him I am kicking her starting June 1st.
He said she knows she needs to save for repairs. But she always nods her head and says she agrees, she's too much of a coward to argue, but then she always does whatever TF she wants.
The cost of owning, driving, maintaining, insuring, feuling this car is gonna be about as much as her prior rent. She doesn't have time to drive that far every day.
Sounds like Little Idiot. We
Sounds like Little Idiot. We bought her a used car after the Coast Guard fiasco. I told DH she needed to be saving money for repairs. DH asked "are you saving for repairs, LI?" "Yes Daddy". I knew it was all BS as I watched her walk in night after night with shopping bags.
Well lo and behold maintenance was never done, the car was never taken care of and died a year or two later and LI was all "Daaaaady I need some money for a new car" so he gave it to her, rather than question her. Same thing happened to car #2 (well right before this one "caught on fire" she gave it to ex stepdad and it nearly killed his newest gf). I think she was too embarrassed to ask again for car $ so she got a loan on a brand new car. I don't expect this car is being maintained either.
Can your DH afford to
Can your DH afford to continue to pay for her things while still being a full contributor to your home? If so.. I guess if it's his disposable income. it's up to him.. but if he is paying from money you earned.. then I would have a problem with that.
He can afford it but actions
He can afford it but actions have consequences and I'm galled at her entitlement after all she has done.
It amazes me she continues to violate rules when she knows she's on notice.
In my state, the policy has
In my state, the policy has to be where the car is parked , matching the DL. I'd shop around for better rates and kick her off that way. If DH wants to support this folly, he can pay for her own separate policy. If she's making these adult decisions, then she can find them. Same with DH. No reason you need to participate anymore. You can also get your own insurance policy apart from DH. Might be a bit more but why wait for SD to do something stupid and cause yours to raise?
I imagine it feels like DH has another woman that comes before you. He needs to have his head straightened out IMO.
It's 245/mo now, would be 285
It's 245/mo now, would be 285 on her own. I told him I'm kicking her off starting June 1st.
He said she can use our address while she's in school, I told him she can afford her own insurance. This is all bad planning and irresponsiblity on her part, IMO.
ETA: now he wants to keep her address at our house and have her pay him back the 245/mo. WTF. Right, as if that would happen.
Also
DH has been complaining of tightness in his chest ever since this happened. It's most likely anxiety, confirmed last night at the clinic.
He was afraid to approach me regarding buying a newer car for her. I don't want him to be afraid of me. I knew that car wouldn't last.
But his story on how much he's been giving her keeps changing, and he is still repeating the same excuses about wanting her to have a good life.
I suspect his anxiety comes from lying to me. And telling me his chest hurts feels somewhat manipulative. He claims this car purchase is the last time he's gonna help her.
I told him to stop lying to me.
“But his story on how much he
“But his story on how much he's been giving her keeps changing, and he is still repeating the same excuses about wanting her to have a good life.”
I would counter this with if he really wants her to have a good life then always handing her money and fixing her problems for her is going to ensure she won’t be able to take care of herself as she ages.
Instead tell him to focus on teaching SD how to budget, how to problem solve and troubleshoot when she has issues and how to figure out how to help herself.
Sounds like something my DH
Sounds like something my DH would try...
*grabs chest dramatically* "oh! I just wanted to help my baby out but I was so afraid to tell you, you big meanie you"
Well DH, maybe the reason you're so afraid to tell me is because you know deep down bailing her out of her stupidity again is complete BS
My own DH would let Little Idiot bleed him dry of all his $ if something ever happens to me bailing her out just so he doesn't look bad.
Yep. If she weren't blowing
Yep. If she weren't blowing off work, she would have been fine.
Maybe you need to insist on
Maybe you need to insist on getting double from him every time he gives SD something. As for the chest pains, manipulation and lies kill.
Have you thought about you
Have you thought about you both sitting down and figuring out a set amount of discretionary spending you can both spend each month without outright permission from the other person?
In the end.. he helps his daughter.. whether you approve.. whether it's the best thing for her.. whatever.. he does it.. right now the problem with that is that he gets anxiety by not being able to please both masters.. your disapprove.. his daughter is needy.
so, he can spend the money on fishing poles. or you can spend it on hermes sandals.. it's "judgement free" money.. and as long as you both keep it between those guardrails.. it's ok.. for bigger situations.. a discussion has to happen.
I'm not saying she shouldn't be more responsible.. but she also wouldn't be the first college age kid that gets support from her folks... if they can afford it.
She is workiing at least..
right now.. you have the deadline of June.. hopefully she can meet that.. but like you said.. you don't want to make him afraid to be honest with you either.
You also may want to stress to him that you aren't angry that he has helped her.. but that you are dissappointed in her inability to cover her own costs..etc..
If she were a normal kid, I
If she were a normal kid, I wouldn't object. But she's not, and continuing to pamper her is a dealbreaker for me. As much as I love him, if he keeps supporting her, we're done.
The Party Planning
Sounds like a fun easy job, so of couse she would be attracted to it. The town near Satan's abode is home to obscenely wealthy people, so she will be in their homes. Ugh. God knows how much stealing she will do. Hopefully this won't be a conduit for psychopathic Satan's schemes.
I think she'll find that
I think she'll find that party planning is not easy and that wealthy people can be very demanding. I hope it works out for her.
Yeah. She doesn't know how to
Yeah. She doesn't know how to act normal, so I could see her getting herself into trouble. Also she can only eat waffles and potato chips, so presenting menus and attending food tastings will be amusing.
Dumbass DH cosigned the car loan?
smh
Guess who will make that car payment when dirtbag SD defaults? Two guesses, and the first one doen't count.
He says 'she knows' that she needs to etc...... But... guess who keeps paying? Same deal as above. Two guesses, one doesn't count.
She can want in one and and crap in the other and learn real quick which one fills up first. But only if daddy quits being her ATM.
You tolerating one penny of marital resources going to that bottomless hole is not helping the situation. Then comes DH's 'chest pains'. I get that anxiety can cause those symptoms. My own DW has worked herself into that same situation with her toxic employer. She keeps trying to blame it on the employer. I keep pointing out that she is the one who has chosen to stay in that toxic environment for far too long. Me and every single person she has spoken with about it. Friends, family, former professoanl colleagues, Doctors, Therapists, etc...
Now that she has resigned and is on her penultimate day of work with that unprofessional organizational shit hole, every one who has been advising her to get the hell out are very proud of her but also reminding her that it took her far too long to make the change. Except me. I just hold her and am supportive. But my internal mental conversations are exactly what everyone else is saying.
Two weeks ago she finally accepted a new job with a quality firm and gave her two week notice. Tomorrow is her last day in the shit storm she has been voluntarily dancing in for years. Finally.
The past two weeks has seen a gradual reappearance of my incredibly beautiful, confident, radiant, brilliant, professional, scary smart wife. She started to re-emerge after she finally arrived at the point where she knew she had to quit.
Once your own DH gets to that point... his 'chest pains' may very well go away. My DWs are subsiding. If he is going to continue to dance with his own shit storm, he is choosing the chest pains. You may want to remind him of that.
IMHO of course.
Good luck.
I'm certainly not in favor of
I'm certainly not in favor of injecting money into Satan's household, that's for sure. It's a non starter. If he gets caught doing it, DH will be receiving papers.
Like Satan isn’t using the car
DH can't be having a heart attack for weeks, so tight chest is an excuse. Like SD ,,like DH.
You are supporting Satan, buy giving her a car to used, with Noinsurance to pay,,No repairs paid for. And I Bet DH is paying for the gas. So Satan is driving for FREE
Time to have that talk with DH. If he wants to support his EX, then he must give you equal money in your own bank account. This 8s not a equal relationship, when he supports his EX
Killjoy is my SD, she got the
Killjoy is my SD, she got the car. But she is going to move in with Satan rent free, so we will not be providing her aka them with funds.