I need advice desperately
I haven't been on in a while. My mom passed recently and I was her caregiver. Right now I am greiving my mother, dealing with a sibling who is a narcisisst and I'm stressed out. I need some major advice.
We have four children. Our youngest still resides with and is in college. My youngest stepdaughter is 26, married with 2 children and another on the way. She has been staying with us off and on for about 2+ years. So far this is the longest she has stayed with us.
First off, I love my two stepdaugthers, I consider them daughters but am also respectful to their mother. And I love their children, whom I consider my grandchildren. I have been given the name Mimi because my eldest stepdaugther had children first and basically told me that was the only name left and I would have to use it so the kids wouldn't get confused. Did I want to be a Mimi, no. But I wasn't given a choice in the matter.
So onto the matter at hand. It has been brought to our attention that the stepdaughter residing with us would like to live as close as possible. She would love for her kids to go to the school district here and be close to their grandfather. They have not found a house that is suitable for them in our district and they have suggested we build a home on our remaining property so they could purchase our home and stay here. My husband and I have agreed to discuss but nothing has been set in stone. Our youngest daughter is not happy. She is home when not in class and hears alot of talk about what they'll be changing and how the outside grounds will be changed as if this is already a done deal. They also have asked my husband many questions on the cost of changing certain things and painting the walls. We have not agreed to any of this yet. For years my son has requested he be able to buy this home when he has outgrown the home he owns now. He was blindsided at the house one night when they started to discuss the changes they'll be making when it's theirs. He feels as though he doesn't even matter.
I am at a loss. I asked my husband if he has thought about this at all? I feel as though we are being rushed out of our home that we've lived in for 20+ years. I'm not happy but I don't say too much beause we all know what happens when the stepmother doesn't agree with something - she becomes the wicked one.
What on earth do you suggest in this matter? How would you handle this and keep calm about it?
Any advice would be beneficial!
Thank you *yahoo*
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Comments
WOW!
I feel for your son and daughter. SD is prioritizing herself and her kids, without regard for anyone else.
Time to discuss and plan, immediately. With DH only, not SD.
All the issues as to who owns the property and who owns the house - I am assuming its jointly DH with you. So your kids definitely matter, if this is the case.
Is SD thinking she takes presedence because she has the grands and thats more important? I can understand that also, but your son has been asking too. For you guys to sell to SD after hes been asking, well that will definitely cause a rift.
Without knowing a bit more all I can advise is that you talk with DH and make some decisions. And ahve DH talk with SD. She cant be mentally moving in just yet, thats not how it works.
Thank you. Yes. DH and I
Thank you. Yes. DH and I own the house jointly. And I do agree that all 4 children should have an opportunity to purchase their childhood home should it come to that but not just given to the one who can't find a home she likes.
Tell SD to move out
Honestly? I would tell SD she has 30 days to move out - and that she won't be building anything on YOUR property. She needs to stop mooching off you guys. Give her an inch and she will take a mile. Light a fire under her to GTFO.
I'm not angry that she's
I'm not angry that she's residing with us. Obviously she cleans because they are home the majority of the time and making messes. She purchases groceries and does most of the cooking each night. I'm not one to cause a problem and I haven't had one with them staying with us but the whole issue with the house has me a bit on edge for sure.
You have 4 kids. I don't
You have 4 kids. I don't think the son should have any more right to your home than osd... or any of the kids. IF there is enough land to subdivide perhaps the two might build their own homes on lots they purchase from you... and your home is inherited and split by all 4 when the time comes?
Take it to HIm
Have you prayed about it? This sounds like a job for Jesus! lol! But really, idk what your spiritual beliefs are but it may help to pray about it if you havent. I would suggest if you have lived there for 25 + years that you not tip toe around it. Your DH and you have to be on the same page. Nothing has been set in stone and I am assuming you both are still thinking it over. One rule in our home is, No one makes plans without tell the adults first. (You are the adults.) We own this home. Not the DH and the evil step mother. It is your home. No one should assume anything if it hasnt been discussed first between you and your DH. You are not the bad guy. If they think you are by this time you are not the problem, they are. You have no control, nor should you care what others perseptions of you are. Once again, that is their problem and they need to work that out with themselves. They are after all adults.
The fault does however lie possibly with your DH for not telling to them slow their roll! They should respect you and your authority when it comes to your home too. You my dear are the lady of the house. Tell them straight up " The decision has not been made. You can not run around acting like this home is yours. It is rude and it will not be tollerated." They are just causing confusion and trouble which may very well be their intent.
I am hoping that you and DH have a soild relationship and uphold each others opinions and are able to speak candidly and openly with one another to solve this. Its a lot to handle but its nothing too big for God to handle. Things will work out love.
I'd start by making it clear
I'd start by making it clear that you will not be building a house for them. They can buy the land from you at market value and build it themselves or they can settle for a house that is less than perfect like most of the rest of the world have to do. Not a penny of your money should go to making them happy. You must put yourselves and your retirement first
PS
Your SD is getting altogether too comfortable in your home. YOUR home, not hers. If she and her hubby can't afford the home of their dreams,they need to actually plan for it and stop having kids that they can't afford if they want their dream home.
You should not be footing their bills. They want you to build a home for them that they will then buy from you - yeah, right. They will tell you they will pay you "when they can" as soon as they move in and you will be out of pocket.
Why do you think they want to live so close? It has nothing to do with sending their kids to the school their mother went to and EVERYTHING to do with having unpaid babysitters on hand. You will have the kids day and night and your life as a couple will be over.
As for letting them paint your home as they choose - HELL NO! They are making themselves WAY too comfortable. Their stay was supposed to be temporary, don't let them think they have any right to your home. Time for them to move out and for you to get your life back.
Seriously, it's time to give them a date to move out and sort their lives out without using your and your DH.
Build out
Im thinking the SD wants OP to build a home for OP and DH and she wants to take over the "childhood home", that is owned jointly.
But agree - hadnt thought of this - free nanny!
Whatever happens, OP should
Whatever happens, OP should not put out a single penny for any of this lunacy. Frankly, for me, this whole situation feels like the kids are vying for their inheritance and OP and her DH aren't dead yet. OP, send them on their way. You have worked hard to get where you are and to have what you have and it's not for a bunch of kids who are only just starting out.
It's time your SD got her arse into gear and found a way to support her kids without you and her father bailing her out.
Honestly, I think my husband
Honestly, I think my husband doesn't want to make waves. He never has. He's the calm, rational one. But I can see he is having his own issues with this. It definitely is something we have agreed we need to have a discussion between just the two of us.
My son has said from when he was young he's always wanted to purchase our home. He never made a peep when he overheard the discussion of his sister purchasing the home. He basically said whatever anyone wants, just glad it's staying in the fam.
If I think it's going to cause a huge stink then I think my husband and I should sell it outright with none of the children involved. Thank you for your advice. This is the whole reason I am asking. I'm looking for these points of views and I appreciate them.
Calm, Rational = Weak, Spineless
Many bio fathers caputulate to skids because the most vocally agressive one becomes demanding.
But, the time to talk is now, and then act. As a team.
Then, I think you do need to
Then, I think you do need to have that conversation sooner rather than later.
You have one house/property.. you have 4 kids.. and your son thinking he could buy it is somewhat just as presumptuous as his daughter handing you plans that you should be moving out yourselves. It also is dismissive of the other two kids that should have some interest in the outcome as it could be a real benefit if the home were sold for anything less than full market value.. and the youngest still considers it her home.. and rightfully so as a minor.
Ideally, the property could be subdivided so that there could be some opportunity for some/all of the kids to have a piece of land to build on. Otherwise.. it seems most fair and equitable to just use the home yourselves.. and when the last of you two passes on.. then the 4 kids can share in the home.. sell it and split the proceeds... or one sibling could buy another one out.
Other things may factor in... were you and your DH planning on selling.. moving to the coast for retirement? or some other plan? Unfortunately.. many kids think they will inherit things at X age.. but then realize.. it may be much further down the road.
Also.. with multiple kids having an interest.. it seems a bit unfair to let only one or two benefit from it...
As a couple.. you need to decide the plan that works for you. Your husband can't avoid the waves in the pool.. they are already present. and only you and he have the power to set things straight for everyone.
You said you were feeling rushed out of your home - that means
You said you were feeling rushed out of your home - that means you are not ready to move. Do you even want to build a new house? I don't think you are ready for any of this. Tell SD to take a breath and calm down that you are not ready to move now and you will revisit all of this in a few years when you are ready to move.
I am loving all of your
I am loving all of your feedback! Thank you so much. And it's nice to know the way I'm feeling isn't crazy!
This is the space
Where we dont bow down to the societal programming against steps.
Must be a nice house if
Must be a nice house if everyone wants it. If you aren't ready to move, tell your husband so. As far as who gets to buy it, would you guys be selling at market value? If you ever do want to sell, you could list it and have them bid with everyone else. Picking one over the others, especially if you will sell it to them at a discount, isn't fair imo.
YES!
I was also wondering, if Son was wanting to buy the house, all his life basically, what ever happened to that? Did he actively approach you? Many times people talk about things that they arent willing to move forward on.
Yes, he's always made it
Yes, he's always made it clear to everyone, including his siblings that he would love the purchase the house in the future when we were ready to move on. None of his siblings have ever said they wanted the house in the future until now. And even so, the stepdaughter wanting the home doesn't really want it because it's not really what they want but feel they don't have any other options. It was never a thought in anyone's mind that we would just hand over the house to any of the kids and he was told he would pay full value of the home for what it would be appraised for to sell.
Sounds like the simple answer
Sounds like the simple answer is not to sell it at all right now. If SD doesn't really want it, she will get a different house. By the time you are ready to downsize or whatever, hopefully she will be happy where she is. Don't even make it about her. You don't want to leave at this time. When it's time to sell, open it for bidding.
Okay - aw hell no, first off.
Okay - aw hell no, first off.
If you're not ready to move then SD needs to cool her jets.
I would wager that SD and her husband have decided nothing out there is as good as buying the family home, therefore they aren't really TRYING because they think since they are already staying in your house, they have first dibs.
NOPE.
Sit your DH down and say it doesn't matter who screams the loudest, your son expressed a desire to buy the home FIRST. SD is in the second spot.
IF and WHEN you and your DH decide to move, and not a moment sooner, the house will be appraised and your son will get first crack at qualifying for a mortgage to buy the house at FULL MARKET VALUE. If he is unable to, SD can attempt to qualify for the same - FULL MARKET VALUE.
Alternatively, you can rent the house to your son or SD and let your wills handle the sale of the house and division of its value after you and your DH are gone.
If you decide to sell the house to one of your children and at full market value, as it should be, do not succumb to any suggestions that you divvy up the proceeds of the sale to any of the children. It goes into YOUR coffers and only after you and your DH are gone will it be distributed between the siblings.
Jeez people sure are greedy when it comes to the money and belongings of others.
And,OP,if you and your DH are
And,OP,if you and your DH are not ready to move then tell all of them to bugger off...you'll let them know.
Are they paying rent?
First of all, it sounds like you are not looking to move anytime soon. Who does she think she is trying to talk you into moving? What if you and your husband decide that is the home you want to remain living in? Where did she even get the idea that you wanted a new home?
Seriously, if they have been living with you for most of 2 years, they should have a HUGE savings account available to put funds down on a home... one that exists, or purchase property and build their own home. If they do not have a large savings account - they have zero business talking about purchasing your home. Further, they need to start saving ASAP.
I think they should be given some kind of [reasonable] timeline on moving out - WTF married with children and living with parents for TWO YEARS. No. That is not ok.
Also, I agree with a previous poster - if and when you and your husband decide to move, your son asked first...a long time ago. So, he should get first chance to purchase the home. SD only wants it because "they can't find anything else". Personally, I think she wants it because she thinks she will "get a good deal" or maybe even just get it for free.
I'm so sorry you lost your
I'm so sorry you lost your mother. ((Hugs))
You have FOUR kids between you, but your YSD seems to be absorbing the most resources. She's having a third child but can't afford housing? Now she has a plan that will ensure SHE gets your house, and is openly discussing the changes she wants to make to it? That's pretty ballsy and manipulative. It's also unfair to your other kids, especially the ones who ARE self supporting.
You need to stop allowing this adult woman to steamroll you. Keeping quiet is only feeding her entitlement and allowing her to think you agree to her plans. You COULD downsize by building a smaller home - and RENT your current one for FULL MARKET VALUE - but if you're comfortable where you are, speak up. "SD, that's not a decision your dad and I are going to make for some years yet. We'll be having discussions with our financial advisor and estate attorney to create a plan that keeps us comfortable in retirement and perhaps leaves a little something for each of you kids after we're gone."
I also think you've allowed YSD to get too comfortable in your home. Do she and her SO work? Do they pay rent? IMO, they should be required to have a move out plan in place and pay at least a token amount of rent. It's only fair to you and to your other kids.
Darn - I missed that!
(((Im so sorry for your loss, OP - HUGE digital hugs)))
This is the absolute worst time for all this stuff to be going on - you should have your time for grieving. And then on top dealing with a narc sib.
Tell them they need to back off, and give you some space. This is after all your home, and your daughters home as WELL as your DH's home, and NO ONE is moving out quite yet, except hopefully SD who lives there with her children.
Again, I am so sorry!
I don’t know where you live
But things like sub division of the property. Getting architectural plans for a new home to be drawn up. Getting all the things you want in the home. Getting electric, water, gas sewer. Drive way ect takes time. How are you going to pay for the new home. Going to be $200000 to $300000. You have the cash. Getting a mortgage?
How much is SD going to pay for your old home. Did you get it appraised for market value. ? Are they paying below market. Ie you are giving them money. Are you then going to give the other three kids the same money? Are you not going to leave SD money in your will because you already gave her money ? If you died first will your bio kids get screwed because DH will change the will giving SD more. ?
Not a good idea. You are opening a box of trouble. For the whold family. Let SD get her own house.
My condolences on the loss of your Mother.
As for the rest? There is but one thing to do.... keep it simple. IMHO.
For damned sure I would not be calm about what your entitlment unviable semi adult SD is trying to do by stealing your home. Anything but calm would be my default. I would climb SD's deadbeat manipulative entitled ass. The presumptuousness of your useless failure semi adult SD and her deadbeat breeding partner is beyond infuriating. They are both beyond rude. SD and breeder daddy can't afford to live on their own in your schoold district? They obviously cannot afford to buy your home.
smh
Either keep your home and tell deadbeat SD and her deadbeat breeding partner to F-off. Or sell the house to the highest bidder making sure it is not SD and the SKid's deadbeat daddy and build on your other property. If SD and her F-buddy want to live in the school discrict you are in, they can figure out how do do it on their own.
DO NOT!!! let these marginal adults drive anxiety into your life, your marriage, or your family. And for damned sure do not let them drive you or guilt you out of your home. I get why your DD and DS are flumoxed by their toxic StepSister's bullshit. I would be too if I were them. To avoid the otherwise inevitable tension and butt hurt fee fees between SD and your own children, do not accomodate SD's and her dead beat breeding partner's pipe dreams of stealing your home. They are already trying to rub the noses of your DD and your DS in their stench of SD's fantacy.
smh
As for the monicre of MiMi. If you do not like it, pick something else and inform SD and the GKs of what you will be called. Only you should pick what you will be called by your GKids. Even if they are GSkids. I would suggest that you consider letting one of your youngest G(S)Kids pick it. That is how my mom and dad got their GP names. My brother's #2 kid, my eldest nephew, could not say Gramma when he was first verbalizing. It came out ... Deema. From that moment, my mom has been Deema to all of her GrandSpawn uncluding my SS-30 who is their eldest GK. My nephew was about 1 when he coined "Deema". My SS was about 5.5, my niece wa s about 4. My youngest nephew was still a couple of years from being born. By default.... my dad is Deepa. Fairly unique GP names that are special for both my parents and their GrandSpawn.
Make your name special. Even the parens of the GKs do not get to mandate what you will be called by YOUR GKs. Even if they are GSKids. That is a hill to die on if neccessary.
IMHO of course.
Take care of you.
They do not pay rent nor
They do not pay rent nor utilities. SD mostly does the grocery shopping and the cleaning. We aren't home much and SD is home all day with the kids.
It is coming to a point where I don't even feel like it's our home anymore. I can't clean when I want to, do my laundry, cook, etc. I've mentioned to my husband that I'm over it and he needs to say something. Our daughter is feeling the same also. SD took all her bathroom needs and put them in her room yes SD and spouse's items are strewn all over the bathroom. It's like she's been banned from her own bathroom.
I'm at my wit's end and if something doesn't happen soon, I fear that it's definitely going to come between my husband and I.
Nothing will change unless you MAKE it change
Don't just "mention" these things to your husband, sit him down and flat out tell him that you have had enough and it's time for them to go. Decide on a date for them to leave between the two of yoiu but don't make it further off than three months. They have had YEARS of rent-free living and should be able to find a place they can afford - whether it's rented or bought. You want them OUT of YOUR house YESTERDAY! Tell your DH (if he tries to negotiate) that either he has your back on this or you will evict them!
You then sit them down with both of you and tell them that you (plural) have decided that it's time for them to be out on their own, give them the date that they must be out by; and tell them that there will not be a stay of execution, if necessary, they will be evicted.
For me, the last straw was when they started talking about your home as if you were of no consequence and should move out as a convenience for them. NO EFFIN' WAY! They have no right to the place, they aren't even paying rent! This is YOUR home! I am angry for you!
Finally, once you get the buggers out, make sure your husband understands that they are not ever getting to come back. If they lose their accommodation in the future, they can live in their car, dammit!
Make it happen... NOW!
Do not discuss it with DH. Tell him they go and they go now. Have an attorney send them an eviction notice with a date. Legal letter head may just drive some clarity for SD, her deadbeat mate, and your own mate.
smh
So she's a stay-at-home mom
So she's a stay-at-home mom but in your home? She is trying to edge you out of your own home. Take it back!!
ETA she's not even trying to hide it. Wants you and DH to build a house out in the yard? Oh hell no!
Let your husband know that
Let your husband know that you are not moving and that the overstay by his daughter is going to affect your relationship if it doesn't end soon. He doesn't want to make waves with his daughter, but he needs to know the seas are beginning to churn with you because he's doing nothing to end her unwanted presence in your home.
I am now going to start
I am now going to start counseling with Hospice because I just have alot going on obviously. My husband and I spoke about what's going on and I told him I am not moving out of our home anytime soon so they can just take over. He tried to make a joke of it but since then we really haven't spoken. It's almost as if we are all just living together.
I am not the type of person that would just say to my SD that she needs to get out. I do love my SD very much and her children. When my mom died it was really hard and having them in the home at the time helped tremondously. Our grandson still talks about her and talks to her pictures. When he walks by her room he sometimes just whipsers, grandma's room. It is a very difficult situation I am in. I am not one to make waves. However, I will not be removed from my own home so don't doubt that.
I am trying to find a way where we can all be on the same page. My suggestion to my husband was - the SD purchase a portion of our land and she and son-in-law can build on that. I said they have to purchase the land becuase it would only be fair to all the other siblings in the end.
I don't know what is going to happen from here. It could go very well or it could end very badly. I'm hoping the bereavement counseling will help me keep my sanity.