SD told me I was a terrible mother to my BD
I have been with my DH for 21 years, married for almost 18 of them. He has a daughter from his previous marriage who is 29 years old. He and I have a 16 year old. I have been crying for days now and Im completely lost to what to do. The two girls have a good relationship and I also thought my SD and I did too until last week when she came for a visit. I just got home from work and picking my BD up from school and saw that her car was at my house. I was happy and so was my BD. She was sitting on my deck with my hubby and her new girlfriend. I knew immediately that something was up by her demeanor. A little back info...my SD has struggled with her mental health her entire life. I have learned to read her like a book and I've always been cautious when she is struggling. Her BM made.it quite clear to me that I am to have no kind of "mothering" relationship with her. BM also struggles with mental health and severe alchohol addiction. Anyway, we chatted and had a great talk, DH when outside to tend his veggie garden and almost immediately she lit into me about putting to much pressure on my own daughter. This was just agter her telling us that she lost yet another job and is living in a camper with her new girlfriend who smokes weed like cigarettes. My BD plays sports, go to school and is an honour student with a 91% overall average and works part time. She is killing it! She had never said said I put too much pressure on her! SD then proceeds to tell me how much of a terrible mom I am to my BD and when I calmy ask her if ahe is questioning my parenting style, she flips out at me and screams that she is leaving and never coming back. She storms out of the house, slams my door and nearly takes it off the hinges. The girlfriend was just as shocked as I. She travels to the garden where her father is and says I blacked out and attacked her! I didn't even movw off my chair. I am not that kind of person. I finally go to the garden and she is crying and starts apologizing to me. Her father knew she was not being truthful. She apologized to me. I was still completely shocked. Move ahead until yesterday and my husband show me a mesaage she sent him. The next day saying I abused her as a child. Floored!!! My husband made lite of it and said she was just being dramatic. She said she was going to write all the things I did to her and send it to him. We are still waiting for a list of this abuse. Her mother was very abusive both mentally and physically. My husband has had to intervene on many occasions. Police have been called on both of them. I want to point out, I've never hurt her nor has her father. The only thing I have ever done to her was not "parent" her. I was there if she needed me though. I thought our relationship was going well as adults. I guess I was completely wrong. I feel terrible for my husband and dont want him to feel torn but I need advice. Do I disengage with her, do I hold on to hope that she is just struggling right now? I am so hurt and angry and have been crying off and on for days.
My BD knew something was up so her father and I sat down with her, told her what happened and she offered up her and her sisters messages to prove she was not telling her sister whe was pressured by me. I feel terrivle for my BD because she loves her big sister.
My husband also told me that before I got home, my SD and girlfriend were making jokes about moving my daughter in with them. Like wtf???
I have this terrible feeling that this is not over and I have a feeling that something bad is about to happen. Please help me. I am at a loss as to what to do.
Thanks.
Didn't you post about this
Didn't you post about this issue before? If i remember correctly, you said that SD "helps" with your BD a lot. If this is true, it needs to stop. SD has major mental health issues and does not need to be influencing your BD. Do not take any false accusations lightly. I would consider slander charges. This is an adult woman putting in writing that you are a child abuser. You have a minor child and SD has said she wants to her to live with her. Do not take this lying down. Fight any false accusations with the maximum power of the law. Your DH needs to back you.
ETA yes, i think SD may be trying to take your daughter from you. She's either crazy or "crazy like a fox." Whatever help she gives you is not worth it.
Thanks for replying. This is
Thanks for replying. This is the first time I've ever posted on this forum or site. I guess Someone else is going through this as well. I would love to connect to whoever it was.
There was one maybe a month
There was one maybe a month ago with a very similar story. A SM had to pick up her teenage bio-daughter from school due to the bio daughter having some mental health issues. When SM got home, her adult SD was already there and started berating her parenting. Made a big scene. That SM said the SD "helped a lot" with the BD. In any case, keep SD the hell away from your daughter!
I should also note that my
I should also note that my husband told my SD not to be giving her little sister any advice without consulting us first. He told her she is not mentally fit to offer advice to anyone let alone a 16 year old.
At 16 your daughter is old
At 16 your daughter is old enough to hear that her older sister has some mental health issues.. and to keep that in mind when she does interract with her. She should also understand that her older sister has said some untruthful things.. and that you would prefer if your DD is guarded when sharing any personal information about herself or you or your DH with her older sister who may take information and not process it accurately and miss use it.
She is well old enough to hear that her older sister should be kept at arm's length.
DH's daughter has a lot of
DH's daughter has a lot of guts to say that to you.
I must assume you are not a meth head, raging alcoholic, narcotic user unless prescribed and/or a neglectful mother.
Honestly, she is an adult and I would never allow her *a##* to be inside my home again, let alone anywhere near my daughter. I likely would have told her to leave.
Protect your child, ok? Give yourself permission to tell DH---she is no longer welcome. He can visit her outside the home, but not with your daughter.
Hang in there. Protect and stand up for your daughter, OK? His adult kid would never see my child again.
I came to say exactly all of
I came to say exactly all of this.
Eff her. And don't give her the opportunity to turn your child against you!
You said it yourself that she
You said it yourself that she has mental illness issues. She has gone too far and now you need to close that door. Do not feel guilt about that. At 29 she is plenty old enough to get consequences for not treating herself. You wouldn't let a drug addict around, same with unhandled , mishandled, mental illness. If your daughter has accomplished all that, then you are a rock star parent and SD is jealous. Remember the source. Do not let this eat at you, she spouted lies. Why give them anymore energy?
You do need to protect yourself and BD from her drama. You don't want her derailed.
I have had protect my YBD from 3 skids She knows they exist but has no relationship with them You do what you have to do to maintain peace for you home DH can see her away from the home until she handles her mental illness IMO she burned the bridge
.
Time for you and DD to go NC.
Time for you and DD to go NC. DH can see her outside your home and safe space. You could easily wind up with DhS involved and potentially lose custody, even i temporarily, of DD. You have too much to lose to continue on with this relationship.
Boundaries Immediately
Your SD has mental issues. Your DH is aware and while he seems to make some "small" stand, his "oh it's nothing" attitude about her false abuse allegation is unsettling to me. My DHs youngest daughter tried that crap...accusing me and him of mental abuse. Serious stuff in my world with my work and volunteer work that require background checks. My DH was the same...just blowing it off. I told him to let her know I have the email (admissable in court) and if she continued with the lies, I'd sue her for slander. Like your SD, this woman has mental issues but that's not my problem. At 30 years old, she needs to get help or stay away from me.
Add in her involving herself in your parenting....you seriously need boundaries with this woman. Monitor the interactions between the SD and your BD carefully. Talk with your daughter again....keep a line of communication open with this mess....your SD, in her condition, can do great harm. I'd also consider your DH seeing her away from the marital home for a while. An apology is not enough in this instance...there needs to be a serious consequence for the SD.
False allegations are nothing to play with.
You have a minor child. FIle an RO/PO and a defamation suit
against your adult SD and get her the hell out of your life and the life of your thown DD. To do anything less risks the safety of your child or nearly as bad, your custody of her. Alegations genarally are deemed true until proven otherwise. Particularly when they are in relation to abuse/neglect/care of a minor child.
Do not risk your own for this bashit crazy whack job.
Your DH can either back the initiative... or GTF out of your lives along w/ his bashit crazy toxic spawn and his XW.
smh
As for hope, etc... Hope in one hand and shit in the other and tell us which one fills up first.
Two guesses, and the first one does not count.
Why. WHY
are you listening to a SD with mental health issues. ? She has a problem, that she not dealing with. Getting no help. Nice seeing her. But do not listen to a word she saids. Explain to DD. Her sister has a problem.
SD is upset that she is living in a trailer and your DD is in a house, with a loving family. Doing kid stuff, school, sports. Prom. Having her meals cooked, getting name brand clothes ect
I guess Im not listening to
I guess Im not listening to her but hearing what she said, even though its a crock of sh*t, hurt so bad. Hubby and I sat with DD and had a chat about her sister's current state. God love her, she is 16 and so aware. I hate to see her worry, she loves her big sister. She is also very aware of hwr sisters problems in the past but this is the first time it affected and involved her.
Allegations of abuse are
Allegations of abuse are serious stuff. Not only would I disengage, I would tell my husband that SD is no longer welcome in your home. No person who made such serious untrue allegations about me would be allowed anywhere near me or my home. Your husband downplaying those accusations is concerning, btw. I would also warn DD - you've already told her about the mental illness but I'd also tell her about the dangerous false accusations and let her know what SD is capable of.
Is your husband doing anything to get his daughter help for her mental illness?
He has tried for years and
He has tried for years and she commits for a bit then drops out of everything she does. She quits therapy, work, misses appontments, everything. I think there has to be a point where you just have to step back and let her figure her own crap out. I know his heart hurts for her. Mine did, but I'm trying to get over that lol! She will avoid us for a couple of months then come back all happy and "healed". I know better now.
She is too big of a risk. You and daddy need to purge her and
keep her the hell away from your minor daughter.
As hard and heartbreaking as that may be, it is the only thing responsible parents can do to protect themselves, their family, and their minor child.
IMHO of course.
Cameras
When SD is making up lies about you, getting a camera for your common family areas is a great way to have a record of what actually happened. This way she can't make up lies and get you put in jail.
If it were me, I'd just ban her from my house. I've done that with my oldest SD who is 22, because she lies and manipulates and I'm always the target so she can get closer to her dad by breaking up our relationship.
Thank you all for the advice.
Thank you all for the advice. I've been able to vent to my closest friends and a trusted, well educated co-worker. I was given some good advice, the main one being to keep SD away from my BD. I plan on doing that and to.keep my distance from her as well. I hope that she gets the help she so desperately needs. I hope, that in time, she will get better and we move on to healing the damage this has caused. I will never forget this and will have a hard time trusting her but moving onward and upward is what i want. I can't cry anymore. My BD needs me to be a strong mother and I will for her. Thank you all again. ❤