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Step daughter and punishment?

Virgo85Nurse's picture

Submitted by Virgo85Nurse on Thu, 08/17/2023 - 3:33pm

So SD is 12. Comes over every other weekend sometimes says she doesn't want to come because of friends and such. Well recently we spoke with her mother about her hoarding food in her room, leaving trash every where. I spoke with her this weekend and asked her to clean up her room. She was not to be eating in there. Mom called her dad at the last minute saying she would meet for pickup if they left now. He had just got home grabbed her and left. Well of course she didn't clean her room at all and that's when we found all the trash. So because we spoke with her mom now she's saying she doesn't want to come over this weekend. She does this often when she's mad and of course her mom lets her. So we spoke and if she chooses not to come the next scheduled weekend, we weren't going to allow her to come with us to Halloween horror nights on an off weekend we had planned. We don't feel it's right for her to decide not to come to avoid punishment or because she's mad with us about punishment and then get to come because she gets to go have fun. Is this wrong?

Comments

Virgo85Nurse's picture

Submitted by Virgo85Nurse on Thu, 08/17/2023 - 3:42pm

Sadly they don't have a custody order. Biomom a parents have a lot of money and the lawyer said we would get what we have at best and would be throwing away a lot of money for very little. Her attitude is turning out lust like her moms. Her mom treats her parents horribly at times too. 

CLove's picture

Submitted by CLove on Thu, 08/17/2023 - 3:45pm

However, CO is a good tool.

Child should not dictate schedule, and not be allowed to reject visitation with Dad.

justmakingthebest's picture

Submitted by justmakingthebest on Thu, 08/17/2023 - 3:59pm

Basic visitation shouldn't be a hard fight. You aren't going for 50/50 or anything. Go file and get an order without an attorney. 

Lillywy00's picture

Submitted by Lillywy00 on Thu, 08/17/2023 - 4:31pm

Just my opinion but

  • its not a good idea to punish a kid retroactively. If they disobey then set the consequence in that moment or as soon as possible afterwards 
  • Start each visit with a clean slate so they don't feel like their parent/step-parent is eternally mad at them
  • it's the parents responsibility to lay eyes on that room, make her clean after her mess BEFORE she set one foot out of that door

Make sure your husband can be on same page as you about food in rooms/cleaning rooms/holding kids accountable when they don't follow reasonable house rules

 

If I were you I wouldn't tell her you're withdrawing the off weekend fun you planned if shes not aware of the plans. If you don't want to do it that's fine but if you tell her like she might get defensive. Maybe use the outing as a reward if she keeps her room clean all weekend (and you pop in and check/offer help with it if necessary)? 
 

Catch more flies with honey. Help her clean before she leaves. Brag to everyone you know (in front of her) how clean and orderly she keeps her room

Once they get around 14 or so, IF you had a judge deciding, they could allow the kid to decide. But she's still a bit younger and so bio mom should stay neutral so as not to alienate from other parent. 

ESMOD's picture

Submitted by ESMOD on Thu, 08/17/2023 - 5:29pm

I agree about the delayed punishment.. esp when dad has so little time.. it really puts a pall on his time with her..

BUT.. This was NOT an issue that her mother had to hear about.  Breaking what I would call procedural rules in your home is your husband's business.. and yours.. it is not something BM has any control over. (for better or worse).

How would we have dealt with it?

As soon as the issue was known.. she gets a call from her dad and he talks to her.  If there is a reciprocal punishment.. or change.. he can inform her.. and while it might not be a punishment holding over.. maybe the new process is she has to ask before getting food or drink..so an adult knows?

Maybe her new visitation chore is emptying the trash bins around the house... so she will know what it's like to have to deal with other people's extra rubbish?

I think that her dad should insist if it's just that the kid is being "pissy".. vs a legit other committment.

Rags's picture

Submitted by Rags on Thu, 08/17/2023 - 5:42pm

Quit engaging BM in parenting in your home.

As for visitation, get a CO. No lawyer necessary.  The CO is the foundation of structuring the interface between the parents and for fostering consistent visitation between the kid and the NCP.

It also provides a good tool for beating the CP into submission when they play interfering games in the NCP's COd visitation time.  Once the CP is in place, a contempt motion can be filed each and every time the CP fails to deliver the SKid per the visitation schedule.  Even if it is the Skid refusing, smack the CP with the contempt motion. Kids do not stipualate visitation. That is an adult process and the adult failing to comply with the CO is the one who bears the consequences of that failure.

Get the CO.

Stepgram's picture

Submitted by Stepgram on Thu, 08/17/2023 - 6:06pm

I would not reinforce that type of behaviour by giving her a fun time.  Visitation should be about nuturing relationships - not manipulation on her part.  Part of nuturing is providing discipline and guidance as well as the fun times. For her to avoid visitation because she's mad is not acceptable.   
 

Virgo85Nurse's picture

Submitted by Virgo85Nurse on Thu, 08/17/2023 - 7:25pm

I agree with making her clean others trash so she will know what it's like. It's hard to punish her at times because once's she's mad about it she just refuses to come over. She generally has her phone taken away at her moms and for some reason only gets it back when she comes to our house. He spoke with Biomom to let her know she's been hoarding food (she's had weight issues and food issues before). He was letting her know we would be taking away her phone when she came. However I'm sure her mom told her we were doing that when she came back. I don't want to withhold the trip however she tends to manipulate to get what she wants. When she's mad she stays away but as soon as we have something planned she pops back around. Last time she did that we didn't see her for 6 weeks. She came back when we were going to universal because we have annual passes. I don't think it's right to allow her to use us for personal pleasure then say she doesn't feel like part of the family when she chose not to come to our house. And her mom always texts well it's whatever she wants we can't force her. But she always does it with what appears to be a hidden agenda. Our last trip she sat there and cried at dinner because her dad got on to her for her attitude because he told her she couldn't have the $50.99 steam pot dinner at the seafood restaurant. Her excuse was her mom fussed at her and she didn't want to go home and blah blah blah. She starts all that when she gets in trouble to deflect the topic of her being in trouble. 

Harry's picture

Submitted by Harry on Fri, 08/18/2023 - 7:53am

To make SD clean her room..., not hoarding food ,..   Because your SO is failing as a parent you are blaming SD.  DH has to get on SD to come when she is supposed to. Not her choice, keep her room clean. And do  things around the house.