Update: DH TOLD me to disengage
I posted yesterday about how SD14 told Crazy that I send messages on the OFW app while DH is sleeping, which is absolutely not true. After everything I do for her and the crap she has been pulling, this was the last straw. I'm done, and decided to disengage fully this time
DH and I just had a convo about it all, and he very adamantly told me he wants me to completely back off from her- not to cook for her, offer to help her with things, chat her up, or even say hi to her. He said, do nothing for her!! He thinks she is manipulating me and she needs to learn what it's like to have a disengaged Truenorth. He doesn't know the term disengage, but it was interesting that he was describing just that since we all talk about it so much here. He kept saying, I mean it, do NOT CAVE and start doing nice things for her! I was thinking, has DH been lurking in the comments on StepTalk...? He could totally be a commenter here. Lol. I promised I wouldn't because now I know what is really happening and how she is telling Crazy what I say and even things I don't, and I'm over it. And I feel silly for trying so hard when she has clearly been playing me. I have nothing to say to her, good or bad. It's sad because I know this isn't necessarily her fault because of PAS, but we also can't change it no matter how we try and being nice and talking to her just seems to be impacting me and DH for the worse, while SD is becoming downright defiant and shitty.
DH also said he's already made the decision and is 99% sure that SD is not coming to Italy. He wants nothing to do with a pouty kid with a bad attitude ruining the trip and telling us how much better her mom is when she doesn't even want to be there (his words) . Which is a relief, although now we need to decide if we only take SS17, or just go ourselves. To DH's point, it does make a statement that the relationship has changed if we take SS but not SD. I said, well she needs to learn that she won't be rewarded for extremely poor behavior. It's not about making a statement, it's consequences. He thinks it will just further validate Crazy's "your dad and SM don't care about you" narrative to SD. Probably, but there's no winning at this point. I would feel bad if we don't take SS since we told him we were taking him and i think he was looking forward to it...and if he doesn't go it's fully because of SD, which sucks. Either way, I'm just glad we don't have to take an entitled, bratty girl who would ruin the trip anyway.
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Unforgivable acts
I disengaged from SD61, too, after some unforgivable acts. I'm pleasant and civil for DH's sake, but that's it. It's a relief not to try anymore. She seems a little confused cuz I did so much in the past but it might be a relief to her, too.
Do nothing for her. Pile a crap ton of duties on
her as soon as she walks in. Have her to everything that needs to be done. Cooking, cleaning, laundry, etc....
Work that toxic lying POS Spawn's ass off from the moment she sets foot in your home until she leaves.
When she starts crying about it, point out her lies and introduce her to the relationship between choices and consequences.
Have fun!!!
Disengage
Definitely disengage.
But don't stop cooking for her if you are preparing a meal for the rest of the family. Not extras but don't exclude her from family meals.
Thanks
This is actually helpful, I am struggling how to navigate this. I couldn't imagine just saying she can't eat what I cooked for everyone else, but I also sometimes make things for her just to be nice. That part is done!
First.. I'm glad he is on the
First.. I'm glad he is on the same page with you re the disengagement plan..
Second.. MY vote is to just take this trip without either kid... just go yourselves and have a marvelous bonding adult time. If you don't feel comfortable with SS being at your place alone.. he can stay with his mom for the duration.. or grands.. etc..
I agree with him. If it's a
I agree with him. If it's a family activity, go along or if it's a family meal cook the meal but don't put the spotlight on her in any way. No special snacks, no laundry, no ride (big one), no sharing what you have, no bailing her out when she forgets or destroys something, no back to school shopping, no nothing. But continue to goof w/ your DH and SS, be yourself w/ them and give her the cold stare that goes right through her.
Same page
This is exactly my plan, and mostly because it's how I feel. I finally Just feel beat down. Like all of my efforts were for nothing and I'm just the focus of shit talking for Crazy and SD. I have no more to give her, so that's what she's getting.
This is really great and he's
This is really great and he's right. Don't reward people for bad behavior. Even if they are rewarded for it by others.
I love that he his give you
I love that he his give you the reassurance that this is the right thing for your peace. He is standing up and protecting you and I love that!
I am honestly shocked
We have disagreed SO much about skids. I didn't see him taking this approach. It's amazing feeling Like I don't have to put on an act just to keep the peace. I can be cordial and decent with no expectations to do more. I didn't want this situation at all, but at least his response is ideal to make it as tolerable as possible.
Not taking SD on the trip
Not taking SD on the trip would be my hill to die on. If you lie about me to the GAL, who else will you lie to -- Italian police, TSA, customs...? If DH decided to take her, I'd stay home.
I'd take SS if he wants to go. He already knows about the trip. He should not be punished for his sibling's actions. My feeling is that he'd be a good traveling companion. I took my youngest to Italy at this age (just me and him) for a week. It was a great week.
Yes
This is what I'm leaning towards also. No SD, but SS shouldn't be punished. If we don't take him to Italy DH wants to take him somewhere, but still, it's not the original plan. No SD is ideal. She is always a fun sponge anyway, but with her newfound defiance and indifference to us, plus the lies, she doesn't need to ruin our trip.
Why wast you vacation
Do not take SK to Italy. Enjoy yourself kid free. There has to be consequences for actions, They want to be disengage from the famiky then no family vacation