Eight months since my last post - please help
Hello,
If you read my past blogs, this will make more sense. It's been 8+ months since he left and all of his stuff is still here in our house we shared for 6 of our 8 years together. He did sign the lease for the apt and quickly moved his youngest daughter (now 18) in with him where she remains because she is not going to school and has difficulty keeping a job. He gave me his half of the mortgage for 6 months (he came up with this - we never talked about it), but nothing beyond that. Besides carrying a full mortgage now, utilities, etc., I have had numerous side expenses related to maintenance. He has not asked me about the house, if I need help, etc. He has been up and down, and in general not doing well emotionally. I have been to therapy on a regular basis, reading a lot of helpful books, and meditating some. I am much stronger than I was, but still very heartbroken. Nothing has been done with the house yet because the interest rates are terrible for refinancing and since he doesn't try to come around (locks are changed anyway,) my financial advisor suggested to ride it out for a bit longer if possible. I think part of me was hoping we would reconcile. Yeah, I know, foolish, right?
He and I went on two dates in the last month which went very well. We were both feeling positive. Today, however, I received a barrage of texts about how it is my job to repair the relationship with his daughters and I have a long road ahead of me. He is basically blaming me for everything and referred to me as obtuse and ignorant if I think it is comparable to the hurt that he caused my daughter (age 12) when he suddenly vanished from her life on Christmas day. I could go on an on, but suffice it to say, it was incredibly clear that he believes he can sit back while I grovel to get them on my good side again. I pointed out that I will make an effort to repair things, but it needs ot be a team, etc. That was earlier today.
Tonight I was awakened by a text at 11:30 p.m. that said "welcome to white trashville" with two more at midnight saying "on a side note, fuck off" and "have a good life." ???? I am beyond confused, and the hurt is starting all over again. I am 55 - he is almost 50. This is nuts. Please be painfully honest with me if need be. I'm not sure what I am looking for, but words of wisdom would help. I am hurting. Thank you.
Edited for update: So apparently he, his 18 year old daughter, and one of his friends were playing video games and drinking (he and his friend, not his daughter) and he brought up my name. Apparently this set his friend and daughter off and there was a big argument. I am not sure what his friend's problem is with me as we have always got along quite well. I believe I am a threat to his future videogaming with my ex. Honestly. (There is more to back up this theory, but it doesn't matter.) So his friend and daughter left and then he proceeeded to text me ""welcome to white trashville" as if I was supposed to telepathically know what that meant. The "on a side note, fuck off" and "have a good life" may have been for his friend who left....not sure. Again, it doesn't matter. Regardless, the fact that his friend and daugther are fighting with him about me tells me there has been so much negative crap spewed about me that I am not sure I could rise above it. I am not perfect and certainly had a hand in all of this, but overall, my behavior has been stable and my boundaries in the best interest of everybody involved, primarily my daughter.
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I'm sorry you're hurting
Throw this one back and forget about him - easier said than done, I know, but he comes across as seriously unhinged with the occasional bout of lucidity. Why would you want to reconcile with that? Didn't he make your life miserable enough already?
Is his name on the deed to the house? How about the mortgage? He can't just decide not to pay anymore if he can claim half of your home's worth. See a lawyer to find out how to protect your investments from a greedy ex who won't pay for anything anymore but wants half the benefits. There is no reason for him to remain on the deed if he refuses to pay his share of the mortgage.
Who cares about repairing your relationship with his adult daughters? You don't even have to have a relationship with them at all! He's just trying to put you back into your place. Ignore these demands.
As for his texts ... unhinged, I'm telling you, hateful and unhinged.
If I were you, I'd do everything in my power to get free of this creep. You deserve so much better and life can be so much brighter without miserable, negative people in it. Stop letting him reel yo in and then throw you away. Go no contact and ignore him completely or he'll keep stringing you along for as long as it amuses him. Don't let him do that.
Take your life back and wave him goodbye in your rear-view mirror.
Winterglow has given you great advice
If you do get him off the deed, sit down and work out a proper budget to figure out how you can finance the house on your own.
Please don't go back to him. If you do it sets a terrible example to your DD on how she should let herself be treated in a relationship.
I have some ideas on how to
I have some ideas on how to afford it on my own. As it stands with our current low interest rate, I can handle the mortgage so a good scenario would be to have him sign a quick claim deed. I would need to motivate him to do this with cash upon signature or something. Otherwise refinancing would be almost impossible at the current interest rates. There is a lot to think about here, but I do have options.
Also I have shielded my DD from most of this although she definitely felt my vibe in the beginning. She, too, went through a lot when he left. Her dad and I (my ex-husband and I get along well) brought her to therapy for a few visits until she had some tools to use on her own. So I feel she is alright. Also the biggest reason I didn't want his YD living with us was to protect my DD. His YD was just too "out there" to have around on a regular basis. I feel bad saying that, but if I was uncomfortable with the ups and downs of her bahavior, how on Earth would I expect my child to make sense of it?! (Not to mention the accusations his YD made about him - see previous blog.)
Also Winterglow..
Your words are wise. I have observed other responses you have given throughout this forum within the last year, and you are definitely one to listen to. "Seriously unhinged with the occasional bout of lucidity" is a perfect description of him now....but please understand that this was not always the case. This man now is not the man he used to be. It seems like since his severely mentally ill daughter starting living with him, he has adopted her vibe. (NOT excusing his behavior - just an interesting observation.) I have a master's degree in education and he has a doctorate (not kidding) and this is what is happening. It is the proverbial not seeing the forest through the trees, or perhaps vice versa.
So when I consulted an attorney, I was told it doesn't matter that he left the house because the bank doesn't care which one of us pays the mortgage - they just want it paid. Meaning it doesn't matter to the bank if he stopped paying as long as I continue to do so. So if I stopped paying, that would royally mess him up, but I would never do that because I worked hard to be debt-free (other than the mortage) and I wouldn't jeopardize my good credit. Meanwhile he benefits from my keeping it all afloat. My attorney assures me I would win if it ever came to that because he effectively abandoned it, so to speak. I would prefer it wouldn't come to that so have some options...none great.
Please expound on your comment about him putting me back in my place...what place? I have no place with him. Right now, it seems he wants to be back with me, but his daughters and ex-wife will not allow that. He is a victim and such. (gag) I do truly believe he wants to be with me but cannot find the wear-withall (aka kahunas, spine, etc) to set everybody in there place. EVEN if he could do that, my concern is that he would then roll out that role with me.
What I meant about putting
What I meant about putting you back into your place - he wants you to comply with whatever he decides he wants, in this case he wants you to back down and accept that his daughter takes the role that is rightfully yours. This is not your place,of course,only his perception of things. He wants to make all the decisions, call all of the shots.
PS
The bank is only interested in getting paid, fine. However, please document as much as you can because the law might care about other things. Always CYA.
Yes, I am documenting everything...
....right down to the bags of water softener pellets. It may sound petty, but I am documenting as much as possible. Thanks for the suggestion!
Ah, well that will NEVER happen with me....
He fell in love with me for my strength and independence so he KNOWS that I would never comply. Just the word "comply" is synonymous with "obey" as far as I can see so he knows I would not go along with that. Has he forgotten this about me, or is he trying to see what he can get away with? SMH.
Just one comment - he doesn't
Just one comment - he doesn't seem to be in the same state of mind as he was when you were first together so why wouldn't he expect you to comply? Just a thought..
Interesting thought..
and that had not occurred to me, but you raise a good point. He switched jobs too, and has been in an environment much more beholden to a macho mentality so that lends itself to your point. Hmm....
Regardless of who he used to be...
who he is now is his choice and not your fault. Nor is it even his batshit crazy 18yo's fault.
It is all on him.
Move on.
Rags, thanks for the reminder that...
...who he is now is his choice. If you'd ask him, he will blame me for everything. I do take blame for half of it, and have been vocal about that. He has not. But yeah, it is on him. Thanks for that reminder.
"welcome to white trashville
"welcome to white trashville" with two more at midnight saying "on a side note, fuck off" and "have a good life."
You don't speak like that to someone you love or respect.
And...just saying...
HE is the one that is acting "white trash".
OP, why would you even want that. Bleh.
A man who would talk to you
A man who would talk to you like that is a man your life doesn't need. I know it's painful for you but he's doing you a solid by reminding you of why he's not worth the effort. Every time you start getting those hope up... boom, he spews his nasty. you deserve better and once you can get the house situation done w/, you can rebuild and renew yourself. Winterglow is giving you good advice. And after all the finicances are done with keep in mind that someone who loves you wouldn't deliberately break you down like that. The only trash in your story is him and his spawn. You and your daughter need to be free of this pitiful excuse of a man.
Every time you start getting those hope up...
Every time you start getting those hope up...boom, he spews his nasty." Yep, you nailed that. How do you know this? Did this happen to you?
Your point of deliberately breaking me down hits home as this is happening to me, but I am allowing it to happen to me, and the irony is that I do not think he is deliberately trying to do this to me. He is too far gone. Yep, the trash is him and his spawn. The downward spiral he has undergone since leaving on Xmas day is obvious on all levels. It is hard to watch, and even harder to understand.
I once married a man who over
I once married a man who over time broke my mind down. I was so tired of trying to keep up with his rapid mood swings, his Dr Jeckle & Mr Hydo personality, his insults followed by love bombs. He wore me out and wore me down.
What he's become seems alien to you but looking back you can probably see that this has always been him. He just kept that side of him hidden or gave it to you in tiny doses until it just became him 24/7. This isn't your fault. This has always been him and it. is. not. your. fault.
Aged Out, I am sorry to hear
Aged Out, I am sorry to hear that you were married to someone like this. Absolutely exhausting. I didn't think he was breaking me down, but obviously if I think this is my fault, then I suppose I have been broken down to a degree. Thanks for the reminder that is it not my fault. And yes, my best friend thinks this has always been him. I am not sure. I think alcohol is playing a major role here as well.
Alcohol is a common excuse
Alcohol is a common excuse for poor behavior. But it's also a flimsy one, ultimately. For instance, abusers (and their enablers and victims) will frequently blame alcohol. Alcohol can lower inhibitions. But it's not going to make someone do something outside their nature.
"But it's not going to make
"But it's not going to make someone do something outside their nature."
Good point, and I agree.
You Have Your Answer
He is not commited to the relationship....clearly from those texts and what he's telling you. Cut your losses and stay away from that man. If for one reason only, to protect your daughter. Remember...she's watching you and learning how to let men treat her. Don't accept that kind of crap from this man. Block him from all avenues to reach you and let your attorney do the talking.
CajunMom, you said I have my answer and I think you are right.
I think I need to hear that - his crap is telling me the "true" answer no matter how many times he says he loves me and such? I read way too much info on blended families as well as the daughter's mental illnesses that I feel like I have started to doubt my own intuition because it is uncharted territry for me so maybe I should be more forgiving, have more empathy, etc.
Go to court.
Get an eviction notice for SO and his kids, No one I pay for goes out on dates. If he had money for dates...he has money to put towards the house. No free living.
He left our house so..
Wihtout notice to me, he left our house that we own together and lives in a tiny apartment now. I have no ability to give him an eviction notice although that might happen on its own if he continues with current behavior. The dates that I had mentioned were dates that he and I had with each other.
Change the locks. You don't
Change the locks. You don't want his miniwife in your home while you are not there. You don't want him helping himself to your belongings either. All access to happen ONLY in your presence.
Yep, the locks have been changed!
He has two mini-wives. Maybe 3 if you count the BM. But no worries, the locks are changed, garage door opener completely replaced, and camera installed. He would not pop in anyway. His own belognings are still here since xmas!
Looks like you have this
Looks like you have this covered!
Please consult a real estate
Please consult a real estate lawyer for advice on what your rights and obligations are, and what your best course of action is, with respect to the house you share with him. At this point my only goal would be to sever all ties with him. He sounds like a jerk you don't need in your life.
Exactly this. Consult an
Exactly this. Consult an expert on the legal aspects regarding the house. Otherwise, cut him off. This is definitely someone you don't want in your (or your daughter's) life. He sounds unhinged -- possibly with a personality disorder. Speaking from experience, it is far better to end it. You've been given a gift.
Hastings...you mentioned speaking from experience..
and I am wondering if you have dealt with personality disorders. Have you?
I have -- in that I have been
I have -- in that I have been close to a couple of people who have them. It's an incredibly difficult and heartbreaking situation to be in, because there's no cure. Things can improve, but only with a lot of work and dedication on the part of the person with PD. What makes it worse is that people with PDS are less likely to recognize they have a problem.
Things can improve but with a lot of work and dedication....
..on the part of the person with PD. I don't see this happening with his daughter. She is documented as having both Bipolar PD and Borderline PD. Taking her meds has been a constant struggle with her BM allowing her to go off of them because she didn't like the way they made her feel. Smh. Now she is 18 and I bet she is not on any meds. Regardless, all I see here is two daughters who will continue to leach off of Disney Dad's wallet even decades from now, and who will always come first even before his (former) potential wife. I really have a hard time understanding why he doesn't see this. Ugh.
It is frustrating. But never
It is frustrating. But never underestimate the power of enmeshment. Or of the ability of people to do mental/emotional acrobatics to justify their actions or those of the people they love.
It sounds like he was "drunk texting" and not good can come from
It sounds like he was "drunk texting" and no good can come from that. Consult a divorce attorney and find out exactly where you stand in regards to the house and all the other financial aspects. From what you posted, it doesn't sound like he is willing to take responsibility for anything and is blaming everything on you. I think it is time for you to move on.
Yes, it was drunk texting - ugh
I edited my original post with an update at the bottom of it. It really does not change anything, but at least it gives me even more clarity.
update to end of OP
I added an update to the end of this original post. This is nuts. What 50 year old, his 18 year old daughter, and one of his good friends play video games and get drunk?! And then fight over me potentially being back in his life? What on Earth? My ex fiance seems to be sinking deeper and deeper day by day as he wallows in guilt how he "failed" his bi-polar/borderline daughter and ex-wife (not to mention older daughter - soon to be 22 yeard old who also has mental illness but not to the extreme as the younger one- 18 yrs old.)
Yes, I have already been in touch with my financial advisor and an attorney.
I think what I needed to hear most from all of you is that this is not normal or typical behavior. I know what I would tell a friend, but it is hard to see when my own face is pressed against it. My best friend thinks my ex-fiance may also be mentally ill. From what some of you have said here, perhaps she is right.
Proud of you.
Glad to read you've contacted an attorney & fiancial advisor. Good job taking action. Having finalized my own divorce earlier this year I can tell you that's how it's done - one step at a time. I learned from others to repeat, "Take the next right action" to myself to get through overwhelming times.
You got this. I'm sorry you're dealing with these abusive, triangulating, immature people.
Thank you, Step Ultimate...
Truly, thank you. It's nice to hear that. My initial contact with an attorney was in January (refer to earlier blogs). He and I were engaged for a long time (I dragged my feet because of what I was seeing unfold, particularly finanically with his ex-wife who is sucubus.) So although there is not a divorce here, there will need to be some legal action with the house. I am on it. He is playing video games. I am continuing to run the house we had together.
I'm inclined to agree with
I'm inclined to agree with your friend. After all, his daughters got their genetic makeup from both of their parents. I can't get over how he lets the distant past and his guilt rule his life when he has so much to live for. Why wallow when you can steam ahead?
I also can't get over that
I also can't get over that he lets the past and guilt rule his life. He is letting life happen to him so to speak since he takes no responsibility for his current plight. He is letting his daughters dictate whether he is with me or not. It's bizarre. He blames me for everything so he has a scapegoat, yet I am not even in the picture anymore and his youngest daughter is not getting better. He thinks he can fix her and has a rude awakening coming although I suspect he already knows this on a deeper level.
He feels stuck. He has voiced this. I think he thought the YD would go to college so then he would be free of the burden and the tiny apartment. However, it was obvious to everyone around her that she was not going anywhere. She jumps from job to menial job.
But, yes, he could steam ahead. I have seen my part of our issue and could have been a great partner for him if he could only look ahead and be positive. But he cannot and now he is less and less of what I want in a man. He's crumbling. Again, hard to watch. But it's not up to me to fix.
Alcohol
Lowers inhibitions...iow their REAL personality comes through. He's telling you what he really thinks of you so believe him and RUN!
Agreed, but...
Absolutely agree with your commnet about alcohol showing the real personality coming through, but in this particular case of last night, he was actually speaking well of me, which made his friend and his bipolar/borderline adult daughter lose it. I am not sure any of this matters really, but wanted to clarify. To be fair, I am trying to present this from all sides, thus the clarification.
You said it, TT!
'Alcohol lowers inhibitions' or as my sainted Nana was wont to say, "When the liquor's in, the truth's out!"
Dandelion, I'm sorry to see that you've, again, fallen into this go-nowhere relationship. Dating your toxic ex-fiance was a recipe for more heartache and confusion since he will never change and his damaged daughters are not going anywhere. Stay strong, Hon, and cease all contact with that awful man!
Grannyd,
thank you for your response. You said that I have fallen, again, into this go-nowhere relationship. As a side note, we were together for 8 years, engaged for 7 years and I held off marrying him due to the craziness I was seeing. He hated that I held off marrying him. It was a constant point of contention. I saw the craziness then, so I don't understand why I am struggling so much now consdiering the craziness has been amped up.
He has done you a favor.
He has done you a favor. Leaving a bad situation is a hard decision and many people put it off due to inertia, fear of the unknown, or second guessing their own perception of the situation. You might have stayed for years, but he left. You are free of the situation and he continues to prove it was the right choice. "White trashville." Trashville is wherever he and his poor, poorly raised, bad genetics, forever drama-inducing daughters are. Feel bad for them, but escape their dysfunction.
Wow. Well said!
"Trashville is wherever he and his poor, poorly raised, bad genetics, forever drama-inducing daughters are. Feel bad for them, but escape their dysfunction."
Wow. Well said! This is what my best friend keeps telling me. Actually I don't feel bad for them because it is easy for me to see a way out of this for all of them whether I am in the picture or not. However, my objectiveness in terms of setting boundaries (aka let's not enable them anymore!) has not helped the situation in terms of our relationship (my ex-fiance and I), but rather broke it.
I am sorry you are having to deal with this. Now... pull your
head out of your own ass, take off your rose colored glasses, dump the victim crap, end this.
NOW.
Why hold onto a write off POS failed parent of a partner who blames you for his dipshit life and personal failures?
The answer... DON'T!!!!
Sell the house.
Get on with your life with this dumbass, his shallow and polluted gene pool, and idiot friends in your past.
Take care of you and your 12yo.
The rest of them, are a write off.
IMHO
Rags, your words...
..are always on point and I appreciate that. I am wearing rose colored glasses as I keep referring to how it used to be, and keep questioning my own perception of the "now" which also equates to having my head up my ass. I do hope when you say "dump the victim crap," you are referring to him, not me. Yes? He continually plays the victim, blames everything on me, and I have quietly shouldered more than my share of the responsibility. So I don't see myself as a victim at all. A dumbass at times though. Blinded by love and such. Yuck.
Yes, he is the victim. Serving himself up as the victim.
However, do not be his victim.
You are too good for that.
I get your dilemma. I would likely not have left my adulterous XW for a far longer time, if at all.
Fortunately, she was the one who left. Though she did play some games as the divorce unfolded.
Make good choices and get on with your best life. YOUR, best life. Sometimes, that means cutting the baggage loose.
Well YAY YOU!
Congratulations on moving forward and taking those very difficult steps. I know that you must still have a lot of feelings going on, and maybe your tendency is to over think things and not feel them (because it hurts dontcha know), but allow yourself the time and space to grieve the relationship you thought you had and thought you were GOING to have. It doesnt get better, it always gets worse, and he did you a favor leaving and then another in nasty texting.
So, feel those feelings. Its ok. You loved this man enough at one time to consider a lifetime with him. You trusted him enough to buy a house with him. So, maybe write a letter and burn it, go through whatever cleansing you need to. This life you had with him was toxic and dysfunctional. Your life ahead has opened up. Im so glad that you are doing what you need to do to ensure that your future is clear and not riddled with his horrible baggage.
Thank you CLove. Yes, the
Thank you CLove. Yes, the steps I have taken were done with feelings buried, but I knew they were the right thing to do. I got to a point with the emotional pain that I became numb. I don't know if that makes sense to any of you, but I suspect it is a physiological reaction to ongoing pain and stress. Yes, I overthink things. Very much so. I can analyze the sh*t out of something from multiple perspectives. Lol.
I will go forward with eliminating him from the legal aspects of the house. I am not going to lie when I say that I still am wishing for some major "come to Jesus" moment for him. However, even if that were to ever happen, I suspect I won't care anymore. He is less and less the man I knew.
The point of any analysis, is to make a decision.
While doing nothing can always be an option, far too often it is avoidance of a decision.
Take care of yourself.
I hear you, Rags. I am not
I hear you, Rags. I am not avoiding a decision although I can see why anyone might think that given my "waiting for him to see the light" mentality. I already changed the locks, had a new garage door opener installed, and put up a camera, and I did that all within the first three months of him being gone. So I do feel like I am making decisions. And I am working on the house aspect....(but I will over ananlzye until the cows come home!)
I am all in on analysis. Though I do tend to be intuitive
as much as analytical.
As an engineer, analysis is ingrained in my brain. Often, analysis confirms my intuitive decision. Far more often than not.
Keep up the great work.
Take care of you.
Dump him, like for REAL and
Dump him, like for REAL and for good.
Take what ever actions are necessary to either push him to sign off the mortgage so You keep the house, OR push him to agree to sell the house.
Only YOU can say truthfully that you are ready to move forward.
Maybe a few sessions with a therapist would be beneficial.
Thanks Thumper. I have been
Thanks Thumper. I have been in therapy weekly for the last 8 months. I have also done a lot of reading, meditation, etc. I feel I am stronger than I have been in years. However, I will not lie when I say that I am hoping he has an "aha" moment, but the more I see from him, the more pathetic it seems to get. So, yes, although I still have a lot of emotions wrapped up in him, I am still moving forward with this house. I will do my best to keep it as I don't need to uproot my daughter because of his ridiculousness!
Your welcome.
You're welcome.