Anyone moved out of blended family but kept relationship with OH?

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I'm at a crossroads here. Been in a blended family situation for 7 years. I have DS & DD both late teens. My OH has the same. OHs son has been provoking me and my kids for some time now and it's gotten out of control as OH is a non-parent (no discipline, no rules, he lets his kids do as they wish). His son is almost 20 and has the upper hand by far. He hates me since I'm the authoritarian in the household and although OH tells the rules, his son knows the request comes from me.

After an absolutely dreadful week OH has decided that we should live apart. I am gutted as I will have to leave his house with all my belongings and my kids belongings and our communal life and shared interests (gardening, fruit farming, etc) will vanish.

We love entertaining as we both cook and after 7 years I transformed his house into a wonderful home. Since most of the house contents are mine the house will change radically and he can't afford to replace the furniture I'll be taking to my new (smallish) apartment. The house will basically be empty to the point we won't even be able to invite people for dinners etc which was one of our favourite things

I have such mixed feelings. He seems to be appeasing his son. In doing so our lives will be very different and whilst the stress his son causes will no longer pose a problem to me as I won't be there anymore, everything else seems so negative and all because he is incapable of reprimanding his son.
My point is: has anyone moved out and found it to be good for the relationship in the long run?

Seriously?

I'm sorry, but why would you want to?

He is firmly telling you how important you are. In no way should his teenage kid be able to exact change like that.

WTF.

Girl, move on. You are worth more than that.

This is how I feel

I'm conflicted because I feel like you described above and yet HIS bad parenting made his kid this intolerable so the kid (man-boy aged 20) isn't really to blame, my OH is to blame. And whilst he's a cr@p father he's a lovely partner.

No.

He is NOT a wonderful partner if he kicked you out of your home of seven years because his [adult] kid was acting poorly. His 20 year old should be moving out and on with his life.

He sounds like a cruel manipulator

and not a lovely partner. Maybe try to rewrite your post in third person and pretend you're reading about a woman you really like and love - a sister or a friend. How would it read to you then?

The cruelest and the saddest part of your post, as I see it, is that the person that's supposed to love you, is happy to deprive you of home and garden that you took seven years to create to please his entitled and manipulative adult son. I imagine you uprooted your and your kids' whole lives up to move in with him, with the hope and understanding that it would be your forever home, and over the years strengthened that idea. He thought nothing to pull that rug right from under you, yet somehow managed to keep you thinking that he's a lovely partner. He sounds like a covert manipulator. If you tolerate THIS, it'll only embolden him, and you'll find yourself in the proverbial boiling pot, but unable to jump out.
You deserve someone who will consider himself lucky to share your company, your farming and home improvement skills, your empathic attitude, amongst other gifts you have to offer. This one will never know how good he had it.

You don't have to make any decisions this very moment though. Allow yourself some time enjoy your new home without the daily hatred, walking on eggshells etc., perhaps do some things that you've always wanted to do, but couldn't because of the other half and his kids. As someone else said, give yourself a deadline - maybe a month or two. Don't accommodate the guy at all - if he wants to see you, he has to come to where you want to see him, when you are available and without his spawn. Your dates should only be about what's of interest to you. Enjoy this time. If you get back together- you've set the standard that you'll be sticking to. If you don't - you will have had a lovely time.
I find that having some time and distance from whatever we were entangled in gives us much needed clarity to make a decision that feels easy and natural.

Do not let the toxic skid off

Do not let the toxic skid off of the hook. He is 20, he is not a young child. His behaviors are his choice, and as such they are his fault.

Yes, he has daddy issues and daddy provided baggage, but those are now his issues to solve or perpetrate. So... his choice, his behaviors, and his fault.

For sure do not let daddy off of the hook for his failures as a man, partner, and parent.

Absence can bring clarity to

Absence can bring clarity to a man. Sitting in an empty house with his punk son should bring it. Enjoy the peace that comes from the space between this dynamic. Go have fun and don't make this easy on SO. Let him feel the full effect of the repercussions of choosing his grown a$$ son over a loving partner.

My DH and I lived separately for 18 months for other reasons. It was beneficial in making clear to DH what his priorities were for himself. Use the time to for yourself. Heal from all the drama and find those boundaries that you will now live by in a new relationship with SO. Establish a deadline for yourself too, so you aren't spinning your wheels with this for years.

Looking back, our separation was a good and needed thing for us. It could be for you too.

I so need to heal

That's a very valid point. Years of putting up with the 'haters' (his 2 kids), one of which is much better than the son but still incredibly cold towards me, has ruined me. I realise it's like living under fire. At least getting out of this toxic household will be significantly better for me. I'm really not sure if I want to give things a go or not.

Well....

I'm not sure "lovely partner" fits what you are describing. He's asked you to MOVE OUT of the family home....the home you've helped create and the life you two have (gardening, fruit farm, etc). He asked you to move out because his ADULT 20 year old son, whom he's NEVER disciplined or corrected is being a total jerk to you. He should be telling his 20 year old son to leave the home.

So, two options. Hopefully what Survivingstephell said....sitting alone in an empty house may make him realize what a huge mistake he's made. I'd give him a few weeks to "wake up." If he doesn't, then I'm on board with SteppedOut. You deserve better. Grieve the loss but recognize you deserve someone who will put you first. I'm sorry. Sending you a virtual hug.

whilst the stress his son

whilst the stress his son causes will no longer pose a problem to me

In my opinion, it has caused a BIG problem, as you are moving out. Physically, you won't have to put up with him, anymore, but you will be suffering. I would let OH think about that for awhile - ON HIS OWN.

Perhaps, after he has had awhile to think (ON HIS OWN) and realize who the REAL problem is (and do something about it), you guys can give it another go.

But, I would not let him think for one minute that he can kick me out because he's afraid to parent his son, and I'm still going to be in the same relationship with him. So, if he thinks he's coming over for a booty call? Haha! No.

Take this time to heal and think about if this is really the type of person that you want to be with. Seven years and just like that, you are out, instead of him making his adult son accountable.

A "lovely" partner would not be doing this. This doesn't sound like something that you both decided on, together. That makes a difference.

I would have no interest in

I would have no interest in maintaining a relationship with an excuse for a man who kicked me out of my home and chose his adult son over me.

Once you move, there is not

Once you move, there is no more together. At any level IMHO.

Besides, why would you be in a relationship with this shit parent of a non man, non adult, and non partner?

He is letting an ill behaved POS kidult destroy his relationship.

Which... I suspect is what your SO wants anyway. He just does not have the balls to end it. Nothing else he is doing passes the smell test.

So, take everything you own, and let them rot in the empty home together.

I suspect, he will have new furniture in a very short time.

My XW wanted to continue dating after we divorced including "we can even have sex". Nope, I was not going to take any chance of polluting my gene pool with her after divorcing. Besides, after being married to her adulterous self, what would make her think I would be interested at all in dating her much less sleeping with her.

Interestingly, there are number of iterations of this suggestion in STalk history. Not sure if anyone has actually had any luck with it. The closest thing I recall working is a breeder with a visitation schedule taking their visitation with their failed family progeny away from the home they make with a new partner.

Find a quality partner to make a life with rather than ignoring this POS idiot's failures.

Take care of you, enjoy your new life adventure with your kids.

Good luck.

I'd see a lawyer about

I'd see a lawyer about getting your fair share of the fruit farm and anything else you helped build/develop. You deserve your ROI.

Please, please do this. After

Please, please do this. After 7 years together make sure you are properly compensated for what you put into this relationship/household. Especially if there is a buisness. Talk to a lawyer before you move so that you know your options. You might not have a marriage certificate or tenancy agreement but you still have rights.

Thanks everyone

It helps hearing others' thoughts. This is the culmination of 7 years battling against unruly children with a partner who by his own admission is completely inapt as a parent. He provides well for his kids, as for me and my kids, but the discipline part of things has always been sorely lacking. He always said I was too aggressive with his son. I tried to treat all 4 kids the same and when I tell one off I don't see why I should beat around the bush with another. I've never been scared of telling my kids off and have always been more severe with my own kids. But when you have a kid who's never known parental authority of any kind I suppose my 'no messing'' parental style was 'too much' for the SS. This year has been horrendous ... SO decided I should step back and let him take the reins of parental responsibility. Not having the slightest clue he failed miserably and SS has ultimately ceased control of our household. My kids daren't say anything, his sister daren't say anything and I've been told not to intervene. SO either blatantly ignores bad behaviour or speaks with a tone that is a million miles away from a serious, 'telling off' tone -it's rather pathetic tbh. I suppose this is the easy way out for SO. His sons feathers don't get ruffled and he loses the pressure that I constantly (of late) apply in order to have his son made accountable for his general disrespect and sulking. He also gets to keep me on a string. He said he felt bad that I had to leave because of his kids. In fact, after this weeks antics it was ME that initiated the 'I'm leaving...'. The next day he said it was the only solution but that in his mind we could/should continue the relationship.
I feel lost, badly done to and hated by his kids. The truth is I would be happier out of this hateful and stressful environment -there is no doubt. But I love SO and truly envisaged a future together.

Mistress

You should be angry with your SO. He's basically downgrading you and your status in his life. Look at it this way-- you were his SO and now you are the sidechick/mistress. Or you were always treated like the mistress to his son but now he's just making it blatantly clear.

His son should be busy with work, school, girlfriend, etc. to be at home making everyone in the house uncomfortable. Atleast your children won't be in that toxic environment anymore.

I am angry

In fact I'm downright livid. I've been turning everything around in my mind and looking at the situation from all angles and I cannot make any sense apart from the fact that this provides the easiest solution for him whilst 'protecting' his son from any accountability for his actions.

I will be moving out because this is a truly toxic environment. I will not however be continuing this relationship -it just doesn't feel right. I'll be emptying the place of literally everything I own and I won't be coming back nor will I be leaving a forwarding address.

Unfortunately I don't have enough funds to pay the moving costs and the 3-months advance rent. I will be selling jewellery in order to get out ASAP. This cannot take up any more headspace, pain or time.

You should be livid, he's got

You should be livid, he's got all of his priorities wrong. He hasn't understood the basics of parenting - as Rags once said (and I'm paraphrasing), the role of a parent is to prepare their children for life not to protect them from it.

Take EVERYTHING That Is Yours

Use your anger to your benefit as you exit this relationship. House is going to be empty? Oh well. Let him and his 20 year old son purchase needed furniture and items. Take ALL of your belongings, even if you have to put some in storage or sell it. Best to you. I'm sorry it's come to this but better now than later.

Thank you

Thank you ! I appreciate the supportive words. This is so painful for me but yes, I will focus on moving on.

I am so sorry that you are

I am so sorry that you are going through this.

The fact that he thinks that the two of you should (or could) just continue your relationship, as if nothing happened, is absurd. I hope he has a nice life with his son.

Thanks. It is absurd, it's

Thanks. It is absurd, it's downright insulting tbh. Nonetheless he will have time and solitude to consider his actions, when he's not working, cleaning, shopping, cooking, washing and picking up after everyone that is !

We have seen the occasional

We have seen the occasional relationship on here that has a survived and in fact thrived once the two households separated. I think that it is a rarity and in my mind you either need to be happy living in two households indefinitely or have a plan for when you will move back in together (usually when the kids leave home).

I agree with the others on here though that a fractured relationship with a 20 year old step kids in an healthy relationship would usually mean the kid should move out. If your husband sees you (and your kids) moving out as the only solution then you know where his priorities lie. He'd rather loose your life together than push his adult son to be independent.

Your partner is totally disrespecting you

He allowing a 20 yo who should be out of the house ,, Control his life. This is why, you nip these thing asap, Not hope for a change. You SO painted you into a Conor. Either sit and eat shi* or leave. You have no choice, Just make sure to take everything including the salt and pepper. Any money you can a hold with,

'You realize he can not legally throw you out. He must go to court and get a eviction. What can take up to six months

Move out for your kids. Show

Move out for your kids. Show them the strong woman you are who won't tolerate the disrespect you've been subjected to.

You don't want your kids thinking that what you've endured is what a loving partnership looks like. You all need to heal.

Contact a lawyer before moving out.

Contact a lawyer before moving out. After 7 years together, you deserve more than your furniture. If OH wants you to move out, he can certainly help with the moving expenses too.

I moved overseas when i married my husband. Lived there 5 yrs

Things were difficult with ss who was late teens and now 25.5.
it got much worser once sd's decided to re-establish contact with their dad. They referred to us as the new family, renegaded me to below everyone, believed they were our 2 toddlers parents and their wants and whims superceded my authority as the primary carer and parent of my and my husband's 2 kids together.

i saw the warning signs they had alterior motives and few months later the eldest sd showed her true colours by calling hubby fake crying and guilting him for marrying me and having 2 kids with me.

it took my husband about a year to find the courage and tell sd's that their behaviour was unacceptable, feeding our toddlers things that would make them very sick, always answering me back regarding our 2 toddlers, always belittling me anyway possible

i told my husband I wasn't gonna subject our 2 kids to that toxic cycle of dysfunction. Hubby has siblings who went to foreign language schools and at the time i wanted out, I couldn't do it living in asia with ss at the time threatening to run away from home because hubby was addressing the bad behaviour towards us making us feel so unwelcome in what was our home too. I told hubby that he either made ss comply, ss moves out or hubby gets another home for us to live in peace.

at that time sd's we're repeatedly badgering hubby to transfer property into their names only (property he bought after the divorce which were his).

eventually i moved back to my country overseas as education system was much better, way of living much better and hubby bought a home and put it in my name only. He didn't trust skids in event of his death to behave ethically and responsibly and he suspected they would play dirty and he didn't want us to have to deal with that crap.

he told all 3 skids that going forward he was prioritising us, we both did travelling back and forth for holidays etc every few months whilst my husband is on contract for another year or 2 then hubby plans to retire here. He told skids that they chose to behave in such a manner they alienated us from them, their own mum they sung highly of abandoned them so they need to accept they will ve alone and thats of their own choosing. They can choose to change their ways or remain the same but hubby's priority is to us. Sd's tried initial time calling hubby with some bullshit emergency when there was none and it was to divert attention from us

i will say year 3-4 of marriage was so difficult. We just had our 9th wedding anniversary last month, we're in a much better place.

its not ideal living in separate countries, but I didn't want to be around sd's especially and their shenanigans. I needed to protect my and my kids sanity and mental health.

had our kids been schooling in hubbys country, hubby would have been given the ultimatum to address the toxic cycle of dysfunction or i am out the door with the kids. He knew I wasn't pissing around when i did that the first time as he realised the basic things i needed were not unreasonable and skids were just being little manipulative shits.

sd's are shitty now because their dream to milk hubby of his hard earned wealth at a time in life where they abandoned him and even now maintain little to no contact has made them unworthy of anything of his. They're shitty that the bulk of liquid cash hubby had was used to buy a home overseas that they cannot touch whatsoever

I moved overseas when i married my husband. Lived there 5 yrs

i saw the warning signs they had alterior motives and few months later the eldest sd showed her true colours by calling hubby fake crying and guilting him for marrying me and having 2 kids with me.

at that time sd's we're repeatedly badgering hubby to transfer property into their names only (property he bought after the divorce which were his).

i will say year 3-4 of marriage was so difficult. We just had our 9th wedding anniversary last month, we're in a much better place.

its not ideal living in separate countries, but I didn't want to be around sd's especially and their shenanigans. I needed to protect my and my kids sanity and mental health.

He asked you to move out

He asked you to move out because his adult son and you don't get along.. vs launching his adult son and keeping your couplehood intact? He made his choice.. it's not you. There is nothing to salvage imho

He out of the house

Change the locks. Tell the court he left to live with his kids. You have kids who call this house home. Go to school from thus house. You can't move until your kids age out. It will take him years to get you out. Do not allow his kids in your home. Don't make it easy for him, he does nothing, as it is. Make him work on getting you out, bankrupt him

While not unreasonable, I

While not unreasonable, I feel it would be too costly emotionally and possibly physical health-wise to be locked in this battle for years... But maybe the OP is mentally stronger than I'd be.

Don't forget to sue him for

Don't forget to sue him for your time and investment in the orchard.

Enjoy living your best life. Living well is the best revenge.

You and your kids enjoy living your revenge.

I am sorry that your pain is the outcome of your failed partners manipulations and ball-less existance.

I get why you're conflicted

If your situation is like anything mine was ... the dude is cool but the situation they created with their failed former family is HORRID (which actually negates all the good things about them)

For me I had a decent relationship from Tuesday to Thursday and I had absolutely no peace on the weekends which took a day before and after the weekend to recover from ptsd caused by skid territory invasion.

This dudes ex wife was so jealous and miserable and petty that she used her kids as tools to manipulate them into demanding every.single.moment of his time.

His kids and his ex wife beg for money on a multiple times a week basis. They are constantly being needy and demanding, draining tf out of him and would not give us any peace.

Then when I called his ass out he gaslit me with "oh I'm bending over backwards at their beck n call like a spineless idiot .... for the kids sake"

I couldn't live like that. I become more turned off by him rolling over like a doormat to some beastly breeder. So I called off the wedding. Called off the engagement. And moved tf out!!!

He called my mom afterwards trying to get me back.

All I can say is yes things will be better if you aren't directly impacted by those meddling disrespectful kids (living with them daily) but the downside is you won't be living a traditional lifestyle with husband and wife in same household everyday which will be a constant reminder of how he's willing to sacrifice your marriage to pacify his kids.

that shows you where his priority lies

Imo no strong marriage will survive if parents put kids (who are not infants - even worse if they're able bodied adult) first. Those kids are adults and will be just fine without their Disneyland dad tryin to keep the umbilical cord attached

Living in separate spaces can provide some relief but the real issue (unnecessarily prioritizing his ADULT kids) still remains so even in separate spaces you will always feel subordinate to his son if your husband doesn't recognize how he's diminishing the marriage with his unsavory un-husband-like behavior

Thanks Lillydy00

Yes you are so right. The warped dynamic of entitled SS (now adult) and the completely incompetent father constantly walking on eggshells around his moping, miserable offspring, never daring to mention his bad behaviour or lack of respect for the other family members (including me) -it's just too much to tolerate. There is no longer a choice here, I need to get out for my own sanity. My OH has just decided that he should perhaps talk to his son (in a very gentle way) and try to see if he doesn't want to try living in the rather nice furnished studio which he has at his disposal. I answered that I was not going to be governed by a decision his son may or may not take and that Id rather cut my losses and flee this nuthouse nightmare now.
And you are right about the constant reminder of being somewhat penalised with a second-rate family situation being imposed. Do I not deserve the right to live with a loving, caring partner and all that that encompasses. Why should I settle for 2nd best ? This relationship I feel has run its course *sad*

My OH has just decided that

My OH has just decided that he should perhaps talk to his son (in a very gentle way) and try to see if he doesn't want to try living in the rather nice furnished studio which he has at his disposal.

First of all, too little too late. He's already shown you where you stand.

Second of all, if the son has a nice furnished studio at his disposal, what is your OH's problem? Time to push the rude, moping, miserable baby bird out of the nest, instead of pushing YOU out. He's done this to himself.

But, again, too late, as I could not forget that he didn't just do that in first place, instead of putting you through this.

You are here

Anyone moved out of blended family but kept relationship with OH?