And remember, you are just one illness, Arrest, boy toy for BM, Accident away from having SD 24/7/365.  Be you must realize SD is going to play BM against you, BM ahainst BF,  you and SO. So on and so on.  And once married things will change.  SO would want his kid more.  He wants a HAPPY FAMILY  with you as the mother, father, child.    
Does he put the child before you ?    Not a fun road.  Everyone on these boards thought they could handle it 

I went into step-parenting as most of us did, with the best intentions and rose-colored glasses.  I'll skip the horror story and say counseling was the biggest factor in my acceptance of it all.  So, keep going.

I'm 79 now so have had time to look back on it all.  The one thing I didn't grasp is the loyalty bond the SKs had to their mom.  Also, I didn't appreciate their feelings of loss with DH gone and their jealousy of his "new family".  I was overwhelmed with my own feelings.

You're ahead of the game if your BF is understanding and you are in therapy.  Keep reading on Steptalk.  Good luck.

I'm glad you're going to live together before you get married. You'd be surprised at how different someone can be once you move in and are with them every day. You'll only know if you can live with this situation after months of doing it. Just remember that if it's too difficult, getting married or having a baby won't fix things. Sometimes love just isn't enough.

Oh, and don't let him expect you to be a nanny to his daughter, she is HIS responsibility and HE should be doing the parenting.

I think you would benefit from some counseling to work through your feelings.  I was a SM who had no children of her own.. and I did not grow up in an environment with a ton of kids.. so kids were a bit alien to me when I met my DH.. they were 5 and 9.  

I will say that for Skids.. I got pretty good ones.  BM could be a total nightmare.. but the kids were mostly ok.. the older one was a bit of a cold fish and not my kind of "person".. but we have an ok relationship now.. she is almost 30.. and honestly.. we just don't have "step" issues at this point.. kids.. even adults.. can have their share of crisis but I don't think mine have any more than the next typical "kid" their age.

But.. the bottom line is this.. would my life have been "simpler" without my DH having kids.. yes.  Would it have been financially better? yes.  Would it have been nice to not have an EX in my life.. also yes.  But that doesn't mean that in the grand scheme of things.. I love my SO and we have a good life... the kids are grown.. I have a good relationship with both.. and we have no real contact with the EX. 

But YOU have to live with your own insecurities.. your own jealousies etc.. you may not LOVE his child.. but can you be in her life and be a positive role model and support your SO as he raises her?  Can you separate your feelings for her mother from the child.. who honestly did not ask for any of this situation and is immature and needs to grow and deserves to be in a happy home... where she feels like a FULL participant.. not considered an outsider?  This is her life too.. and your SO.. he deserves to be able to love his first child.. and though your children won't be his first.. he will love them.. but you will have to accept you cannot go back and turn back the clock.  I know.. we all wish for realities that don't exist.. but there is a different between being a bit whistful about it.. and letting it poison our hearts.   you need to be able to be honest about where you feel you can get.

You also should be paying close attention to how your SO parents his child.. and how he respects your authority and supports you in the home.. perhaps the living together will help with that insight.  I can see you being uncomfortable with lack of exposure.. and many fears may be "what if's".. but perhaps living through it will help you bond with his child more.  You do NOT have to love her as your own.. but the child should feel "loved and valued" in her home.

Read through the main blog as well as the forums. Thats my best advice today.

Good luck!

Have you and BF talked about what your life would look like if he suddenly got full custody?  Have you talked about what he feels your role in his daughter’s life versus what you feel your role should be?  Have you discussed finances and if once you are living together, he expects a portion of your finances to go towards his daughter.  If your BF lost his job suddenly, would he expect you to help support his child until he was back on his feet?  Is the option on the table for you to move someplace else if an opportunity arose or will you have to stay living there until SD is 18?   These are just a few of the things to start considering and having honest discussions about.

One thing you mention is BM's work schedule is inconsistent which then affects everyone else's schedule. I would find out exactly how the custody arrangement works before making any more commitments. Having an inconsistent or lazy BM and an accommodating DH is often a problem.

You also haven't spent much time with your SO and SD together. Does he cosleep with her? Is there a routine? Rules (even a small child can have simple ones like a bedtime, no backtalk or disrespect, should go without saying but no hitting adults, etc.) Does your SO call the shots or does he let SD dictate what goes on when she is with him? Does he treat you differently when she is present vs when she is gone? When you are together, does he take your feelings and opinions into account or are all decisions made with SD and BM's wants and needs prioritized?

It's going to take some time to figure all this out and make a decision whether or not to tie your life to his. Do you want to take that time? You are 28. The clock isn't ticking as bad as some but i wouldn't wait more than 2 years to work out major issues if i were you.

Maybe a therapist can help you work out the root cause of your negative feelings. It may be that you aren't a good fit to deal with a stepchild and a BM (and that is OK, don't let anyone tell you you are a bad person for not wanting to take on this type of life!) Or, maybe there are real problems with this situation that are making you unhappy but you can't be sure what is normal vs dysfunctional, having no experience with this type of situation. 

I fear that spending only weekends with him is not really enough to see what the dynamic really is. You could be in for a very rude awakening, which is what often happens in these situations, especially when it started out long distance.

If SD spends the night with your SO almost all nights (i think that is what you said above), BM might owe HIM child support. Overnights are how they calculate time with each parent. 

You moving in will change things and it could cause SD  and/or BM to start to act up.  Right now things look possible.  BM might have other ideas.  Especially if he wants a CO and things spelled out.  BM might not like the limits put on her.  Flexible schedules are a nightmare in the making in stepland.  Most fall apart , usually when the more dysfunctional parent doesn't get her way anymore.  You moving in makes it real for BM that things are changing beyond her control.  
 

Honestly, I would wait to move in.  Get the CO in place.  Watch him parent more.  Look for the cracks.  Protect yourself financially so you aren't filling in gaps and enabling him if you must move in.   He has to protect you from his baggage, not give it to you to carry.   He must set the tone with SD that you are to be respected as another adult in the home.  In fact EVERYONE must be set straight by him that your are his choice as a partner and he will not tolerate any disrespect.  BM, SD, his family and friends.  They will all bring preconceived ideas on what your role should be, and if you listen to them and you don't agree it will cause strife between you two.   
 

You found us here and this place is for the worst of the worst.  Read and you will not believe just how horrible it can get.  We have seasoned warriors among our group.   Lots of knowledge here.  Blunt hard truths too.  Welcome.  

I’m happiest when it’s just us two. 

You need to seriously consider that your boyfriend could end up with his child 100% of the time. BM could pass away or become incapacitated. He is suddenly a full-time father and she will be there every single day. I've seen too many people claim that the child/children living with their partner 100% of the time would be a relationship ender. This is a real possibility.

You are only 28. You have time to go find a man who does not already have a child. I literally settled when I married my H. I was 31 and never was lucky in love and knew I couldn't get anyone who hadn't been married with brats. God! I wish so much I held out at least a bit longer. I'm developing an escape plan after 28 years. I just can't take it anymore. I had the worst enmeshed, clingiest of cling-on mini-wives and a Disneyland dad on steroids that even three years of intensive individual therapy for each H and I and marital therapy for us as a couple just couldn't fix. 

At the best of times, when there's an existing kid, you are not the first. When you get pregnant, you're not the first for your SO.  All of your firsts won't be your SO's firsts. That can really sting. If he was actually married to the BM, then going ring shopping, getting engaged, getting married, etc. will not be his firsts but might be yours. You'll have in the back of your mind that he had a love of his life, or so he thought because he married her and had a child with her. This is to keep in mind as you see him as the love of your life and you're getting married but you know deep down that he's been there, done that. It fucking hurts. You won't have your traditions because Little Suzie's traditions from BM will be followed so that Little Poopie won't have to experience so many changes. You won't be the woman of your own home because BM's scent will be all over it because it's HER child. If Poopsie turns into a major brat, you won't have say because you're not the mother. If little Poopsie develops what you believe to be major mental health issues and needs therapy or assessment, you won't have a say because you're not the mother. You'll be reminded that you're not a mother and you're not Poopsie's mother. You'll want to maybe celebrate Easter, for example and start your own traditions but that's not what BM does for Poopsie. You won't be able to serve the dinners your feel Poopsie should have or that you want because it's all about Poopsie. Then, there's Poopsie's comments about fucking Mommy this and Mommeeeee that and if you dare say anything you're the asshole. You'll have to put up with the constant mention of another woman in your house.

When I got pregnant all I heard was about BM's pregnancies. My SKs just had to constantly bring it up. I couldn't even enjoy my pregnancy because I was living in BM's shadow. If I said anything I'm the asshole and the SKs "don't know better," only I damn well know that they did. They'd flash me their smirking looks to make sure I never forgot that I was second family which made me second rate.

No man is worth it. Run!!!!!!!!! At 28 you have time to find a man to call your own. One who doesn't have money flying out the door to another woman, one who doesn't have to turn away from you at the worst possible times because of something happening with BM or an SK. I couldn't even enjoy my pregnancy or my DD23's early infancy without either the mention of BM or my SD inviting BM into my home to see the baby and I couldn't say a word or I'm the asshole because poor little SD is just excited over her baby sister and doesn't know better. Then there are the manipulative tactics to divert H from the hospital when DD was taken by ambulance at age 3 and we almost lost her to undiagnosed asthma, but oh no! Fucking SD just had to have Dada's attention. DD snapped her arm in half in a horrific gymnastics accident and was in surgery and when keeping distant family updated on FB, H got diverted to SD and SD posted massive pics of herself to seal the attention. DD couldn't even have her broken arm without a God damned SK or BM diverting H away from my DD laid up in the hospital in horrific pain.

I didn't even get into the Mini-Wife Syndrome and all the other stuff.

Don't do it! Run like the wind!!!! It's not worth it! Not a day went by in my entire 28 year marriage that I didn't regret getting together with a man with kids. I tried so hard to stay married but I'm tapping out. My life is filled with regrets. I even had to give up my career and for what? I'm being bullied at work and regret every damn day that I stepped down from a career I loved for kids that aren't mine. I got nothing in return. I never even got any needs met. 

Run!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Are you dividing up all the bills and you pay 1/3?  Will you have a household account, where all household money comes out of. Rent ,food, clothing, insurance, vacations, entertainment.    Where you put in 1/3 and SO puts in 2/3 ? Spreadsheet time.   You start living together you can adjust .  SD need braces. This doesn't come out of this account.  ?

Just remember, things as CS. Visitation time, BM liking you to hating you. Can change. Will change.  How about things as holidays how are they going to be handle ?  He seems close to the ex.  Are you going over the ex on Christmas morning?  Spend opening  presidents with ex ? Or Doing your own thing.   ? CO are great for soeliing out these thing.  
'JUST room for though.. we all failed at this..  scraping together money and BM buying a new car ?  Because she is broke.. ?

There is light at the end of the tunnel only if you create it.... by blowing up the tunnel.  

That is done by going zero tolerance for drop in no visitaiton schedule life.  Among other things.

First, I would NOT move in with BF. Make him move in with you.  That takes BM's bullshit work schedule excuse out of the picture. Make sure there is a clear COd visitation schedule and make sure that your BF sticks to it.  BM can figure out chile care on her time and that means daddy is not BM's beck and call baby sitter. And neither are you.

Part of blowing up the tunnel and living in the light is making sure that you and BF are equity life partners and equity parents to any children in your home/relationship regardless of the parental bioloty of those children.  You, BF, and your relationship are your sole top priorities. Children never are.  Children are the top adult responsibility.  

Two very different things.

Another big part of living in the light is establishing firm standards of behavior and standards of performance for all in your relationship including your BF, Skids/kids, and for damned sure his X.  

The X is irrelevant, gets zero say and has zero standing in your life, marriage, home, and family. Zero. If BF will not keep BM under control, then you do it.

Be wary of the warm tinglies of early love with a prior breeder.  Those tinglies are extremely dangerous and often kill brain power to recognize and address clear and present crap  of the baggage that a prior breeder mate can infect your life with  if that mate does not have the testicular fortitude to keep that baggare in it's proper place of fails to deal with it constantly and effectively.

Don't get me wrong.  It is possible to have a great marriage and make a wonderful life with a prior failed family breeder.  Though it is not a likely outcome.   Second marriages fail at a significantly higher rate than even first marriages whish are a 50/50 proposition at best. 

Know the playing field you are considering living your life on before you play the game.  Make the rules, enforce the rules, and tolerate no crap from your mate or their baggage. 

Or, the light at the end of the tunnel will be nothing better than an never ending oncoming train.

Take care of you.

That thing change.  You are saying I can do the visitation EOWN.  Then SO having a wife goes for 50/50 visitation.  What you didn't sign up for. Or BM get a boytoy. And wants weekrnds alone with boytoy. So yiu are taking care of SD and BM is alone playing with BF.  Thing like that is upsetting.    This may not be your future. But it's happens.  When it does it's people here venting. 

All great information here! Our stories are very similar...

I met DH and his daughter when she was 5. She had her moments, but overall a typical 5 year old in a crummy divorce situation. I SO wish I knew about StepTalk when we first got together. 

DH did not have a CO or CS in place. The erractic schedule almost broke us. Instead of talking about issues PRIOR, we would face them as they came up (terrible idea). For example, how to split bills, parenting styles, etc. 

My experience with BM  (and also SD) changed drastically with every milestone. She never gave me a second thought when we were dating. I think she viewed us as just casual. When we moved in together that's when sh!t hit the fan. She showed her true colors. Keep in my if your BF begins to set boundaries and BM doesn't like it, it will be hell to pay for everyone involved, even SK.

EDIT TO ADD: Now SD13 has gone through ALL the phases too. Being excited to having someone to 'play' with when she was 5. To being territorial when I moved in. To turning into "mini-wife" when we got married, and rejecting our DS3 when he was born. She has removed herself from all "family" activities, even eating dinner with us, and is a totally different person from when I first met her. If I had known the havoc she would cause within just the relationships between the whole family, I honestly would have reconsidered even dating. Maybe his daughter is totally different, but I can honestly say the detest SD13 has for myself and my son I did not even see coming. Just keep this in mind that relationships and evolve and change between the two of you... for the better, but also very much for the worse. 

Moving in will be a tell-tale sign if this is a relationship you want to continue or not. Keep us posted!

Not unreasonable at all. I'd even make it a condition for you moving in 

Child support and visitation are two entirely different things.

In the current circumstances I don't see how your bf would have to pay her CS seeing as the child spends every night in her father's home. In other words, he has her virtually full time.

I'd get the CS sorted out NOW to avoid having to pay CS for all the years already past. When there's no CO in place, every penny that goes to BM is considered to be a gift and not CS.