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I have two step kids and have been involved in their lives for 6 years now. Their bio mom has chosen drugs and men multiple times over them. I have been the consistent mom for two years now and all of a sudden the courts allow one visit a week and everything changes because she comes around with an "I'm sorry, I understand" it's like everything I have done for the past two years doesn't even matter any more, like I don't matter anymore. It's like because I didn't give birth my feelings no longer matter even though I was the one who was picking up the pieces, I was the one getting up in the middle of the night when the kids were sick or having nightmares, I'm the one who took the kids to their appointments. Honestly I feel like I'm pushed to the back burner now and how I feel in the situation doesn't matter it's like it doesn't matter how I'm affected by this. I'm "just" the step mom. My husband will never understand and I know the kids won't either. What would you do? How would you feel?
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I'm sorry you feel hurt.
I'm sorry you feel hurt. Unfortunately, she is their mother.. for better or worse and they may at some point appreciate what you did for them when they are adults.. but right now.. they are kids that crave the attention of their mother.. that has been withheld for many years.
I kind of feel as stepparents.. it's like loaning money.. do not "give" more than you can without expecting any appreciation or credit from the kids.
The person who should be making you feel valued and who should be showing appreciation is your partner.. because you stepped up to help them with their responsibility of raising their kids. I hope he does.
If your husband doesn't get that you have gone above and beyond.. that is what would hurt me the most.
I would not be as worried about the kids who are chasing after that mythical mother figure that has been out of reach... and in the end.. I hope that their mom is doing better and able to be part of their lives.. because the kids won't be hurt by more people being stable parts of their life and loving them.
If you are feeling too hurt.. it's ok to disengage a bit.. and pull back on how far you extend yourself. They have two parents.. let them do the heavy lifting.. and go do some things for yourself that you enjoy.
The thing is they really don
The thing is they really don't have two parents unless you consider me the other parent because she's been gone for two years. No contact. It's been my husband and I she's been no where near in the picture. That's my frustration. Especially after reading their notes about never missing her or wanting to see her or talk to her. You can guarantee I'll be pulling back though. I stepped up when she stepped out but I'm pushed to the back so I'll focus on me and my son and some things with them
I kind of feel as stepparents
this is a great analogy
Know your limits and don't give so much that you'll be disappointed resentful etc of the feeling isn't reciprocated
I thought about this too. Like those kids probably know her just as the drug-free version of herself. And unfortunately they are deluding themselves.
Chasing the mythical mother figure is almost like being an addict to where theyre addicted to getting a taste of the life (drug free bio mom who dotes on them) they they might not ever get
However if she continues to be a drug addict who neglects her kids at some point those kids have to be aware that what she is doing is not healthy because her behavior is not only show her clear disregard /disrespect for them it also destroys their sense stability/peace/etc.
This is the life of a
This is the life of a stepparent. The courts don't consider our role or our feelings, kids often favor their bio parents over stepparents, and stepparents are told to "stay in their lane" despite how much decisions like this and stepkids impact our lives and households. It is always about Mom and Dad in step life and it likely always will be.
I recommend taking a step back from all you do for your skids. Your DH needs to step up and he needs to make sure you feel appreciated for your family contributions.
Kids always live there bio mother
They justify that there mother had problems, but still love them. This is how step life goes. Bio mother will always be getting her life back together
I'm sorry you are living this
I'm sorry you are living this.
I have lived through this as
I have lived through this as well. My DH’s Spawn came to live with us when she was 10 after her drug addict mother got arrested again. I was the one who raised her because my DH is an avoidant head in the sand Disney parent. I spent seven years raising her while her mom got high or spent time in jail and DH pretended, we were one big Happy Days family. At the end of it all I was the villain; Meth Mouth was the princess and DH was the village idiot. So, no it does not matter what you do they will never care about you, their mother can do horrible things to them repeatedly and they will still crave her love and affection.
How did you deal with it?
How did you deal with it?
My thing is the kids
My thing is the kids repeatedly telling my husband and I they want nothing to do with her and seeing letters or notes that they wrote saying they will never miss her and then note that she it's released from work release and is allowed one visit a week everything changed. Like the abuse and drug use in front of them never happened. And then when I say I'm pulling back or I'm done making choices I'm the bad guy. How does that even make sense? I know being a step parent isn't easy but when having to deal with this shit and getting pushed back after everything I've done it just amazes me, and even with the kids being 9 and 11 they are extremely smart and intelligent and know exactly what's going on. Bio mom is very manipulative and I know for a fact that's the shit she will pull to get them back into her life and "forgive" her and again I'll be the one there picking up the pieces. I understand at the end of the day she's the mother who gave birth but I'm the one whose been raising them while she was off getting high and arrested for burglary and breaking and entering and driving under the influence endangering a person. Judge said one more screw up and he will terminate her rights but how many chances does someone get when this is a repeated event.....
Don't want to respect me as
Don't want to respect me as mother figure who provides, invests, spends time ...... and abusive neglectful bio mom is the only person you have unconditional love for?!? .... cool
Just don't expect me to have unconditional love for you like I have for myself and my bio.
What's good for the goose is good for the gander.
My stance my sound a little harsh but unless a kid was raised by me as an infant with a deceased mother, I would not get too deeply emotionally invested with someone else's kids whom their meddling unstable mother is in the picture and I have no legal rights to.
Im a mentor type step mom because the ROI is too low for me to do anything else more.
Honestly I wish I could be
Honestly I wish I could be that strong but I am emotionally invested with these kids especially being here for the past 6 years. I'm the consistent one but like I said I'm pushed to the back burner and I get the attitude and back talking. And then when I say I'm backing off I'm being childish....yep okay.
I don't think childish you're
I don't think childish you're human
You seem to be far from neglectful/abusive based on what you said here.
That's awesome you want to be there for them. Tbh it might take more time for them to appreciate you more.
I'm far from neglectful or
I'm far from neglectful or abusive! I've done everything possible for these kids and I always no matter what get the backlash. It's just crazy. It amazes me how kids brains truly work these days and what kids think are okay and not okay and what behaviors are okay and not okay. It's baffles me that kids think one apology changes everything and things are different but then the person who has always been there isn't involved as much anymore to try to prove a point and then things get twisted....make this crazy nonsense make freaking sense for me!