When does it get better?
It has been almost a month since I posted here. Last time I posted was to let you know that my exF had asked me to marry him, but only if we did not live together. I said no to that. Then he blocked me via text (I never reached out anyway so weird move) but said feel free to email him (I have not.) Then silence for two weeks until he sent me an email wishing me a happy birthday at the end of May. I did not respond.
The legal battle continues over the house as we try to come to an agreement on an amount for me to "buy him out." It is nearing a close.
So my question to all of you: when does it get better? The sadness I have is almost immobilizing. I am hoping once all of his stuff is out of here (it's been in the basement for a long time now - it is not in my sight but still here) and once the house is in my name only that it will get better......but will it? The unrequited retirement dreams, the memories, etc. It is all so pervasive.
Logically, I can see that he has been an a**hole and that he has been acting extrememly unstable. Yet, looking at it logically only helps for a short time. I have been in therapy since he left and she is a damn good therapist. However I cannot seem to shake the blame of not doing more for his kids. The youngest (19.5 years old) who has bipolar and Borderline Personality Disorder cannot keep a job and is living with him. He pays for everything and it seems she has become his mini-wife once again. He admitted to me awhile ago that he suspects she will live with him forever. This is exactly what I didn't want. WHO WOULD? (Sorry if that question offends anyone but I just cannot imagine most people willingly signing up for this.) So although I know all of this logically, I still am so damn sad. When does it get better?
Thanks for listening, and thanks for your input.
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"The youngest (19.5 years old
"The youngest (19.5 years old) who has bipolar and Borderline Personality Disorder cannot keep a job and is living with him. He pays for everything and it seems she has become his mini-wife once again. He admitted to me awhile ago that he suspects she will live with him forever."
You have doubts that you should have done more for his kids, but there's not a damn thing you can do with that situation to make it better. There was NOTHING you could have done to fix that.
Rumplestiltskin, you're right...
there is nothing I could do to have made it better. My exF used to say that she would be better if she lived with us full-time. I wouldn't let it happen because of my young DD. I was also frightened because his YD was soooo unstable at the time. You would have to go back to one of my first blogs to get a feel for the level of chaos involved with her.
As CajunMom said, time.
As CajunMom said, time.
Once his stuff is gone (soon!), do a little redecorating. Rearranged furniture, new pictures, a decorative throw, fresh coat of paint, throw pillows, some plants, new bedroom linens, accent rugs... it doesn't have to cost a lot to freshen up rooms and make them yours.
Yes to redecorating!
I was just giving this some thought recently. Although virutally everything in this house is mine in terms of furniture and decor, I still like the idea of changing things up.
Rags, there are so many gems in your reply.
I recall your three day rule and it makes sense. It has been 1.5 years for me though. Yes, it is way better than last year at this time, but I am still way too "stuck" for being so far out from the breakup. Granted he has been stringing me along this whole time (or should I say I have allowed him to string me along.) Even his recent non-live together, marriage proposal was yet one more way that he has messed with my head.
Your story about your therapist is interesting in that your exW got up, walked out, and never returned so your couple therapist became your therapist. That is almost verbatim what happened to us but we were already apart at that point. This was last April. He wanted to make it work so we went to a therapist. The first session was fine. The second session involved him blaming me for not being more welcoming to his kids, etc. Once I reiterated his YD's diagnoses, and then literally pulled out a list of things that I have done to show her I care, he walked out to never return. Then that therapist became my therapist. She still is.
Not your fault
If DH and BM Had a mental challenge kid. They made him they are responsible for him. Not you. You ex is a as* hold and the faster he gets out the better it will be. You should not be blamed for his kids problems
Yes, both of his DDs have mental health issues albeit his YD has
actual diagnoses. The YD has been in a psychiatric unit about 5x that I know of and his OD has been in a psychiatric unit about 3x, again that I know of. The stories I could tell you would make you question my sanity for putting up with the chaos as long as I did. Thank you for your post, Harry. It is nice to hear that I should not be blamed. It seems that he is still blaming me even though we have been broken up for over a year.
It really does take time. The
It really does take time. The other stuff helps, getting his stuff out, getting the house deed sorted, moving forward.
Yes, thinking about how you thought your future would be with him can make you sad but the reality is, that is not what your future would have been like. You are now free to find your person. He was not it.
Thank you hereiam.
You said "....but the reality is, that is not what your future would have been like." Can you expound on that more? I want to be sure what you mean. Do you mean that no matter what I thought our future would be, it would likely not have been that way becuase of his YD's issues?
That, too, but mostly because
That, too, but mostly because he is not the person that you thought he was. He's showing you his true colors, this is who he is.
Last time I posted was to let
If his daughter supposedly isn't well mentally she might require a lot more support than the average offspring especially if your partner thinks his presence will
help keep her on track.
Might be better to control what you can here....accept him in your life as he prefers (living separately) or chose someone who provides more of what you desire/need (ex. Men with no dependents or men with mentally / physically stable dependents if you go this route)