Transition Schedule
My SD is a good kid. I still hate being a stepmom recently. I am so overwhelmed by the transition schedule. Mon, Wed, Friday at 5:30 pm. We have a bio-child. It's dinner time and 3 days per week. I hate it and it causes arguments with my husband. There is no changing the schedule. I dread coming home on those days. I dread it. I don't know what to do. My husband says that he thinks I'm not practicing enough acceptance... sure, and I really do try. I feel like my life is a revolving door. Her bio mom is not someone I want a relationship with after years of seeing how she parents and I'm just annoyed. Not an effortful parent with teaching independence, providing clothes that fit, protecting her child etc. There was a situation a few years ago where her boyfriend's son was sexually creepy to my SD (she was acting odd for months and finally told us crying) and we had to confront her. We informed a therapist and got her into therapy but her mother declined the legitimate ones. She will say "you either trust my parenting or you don't" ... that's her level of maturity. I'm blabbing now- but my point is that I feel helpless and stuck in a schedule I never chose. If my work schedule sucked I'd change it or quit. I don't want to get divorced- I want to suffer less with the back and forth lifestyle and the thankless job of step parenting.
Any possibility
that this boomerang schedule could change? Has it been discussed? It sounds awful as a SP and I doubt it's good for the kid, either. My granddaughter had a similar schedule and they changed it so there were more days straight in a row and that seemed to work better.
So far no...I have asked and
So far no...I have asked and am told that it would be "harder on everyone"
Harder on everyone... How so.
Harder on everyone... How so. This is literally the worst schedule there is out there due to the constant shuffling back and forth which is hard on a child. Does she stay overnight on those nights? Then I'm guessing a morning transition at school /after school? Or. Is it only a dinnertime /evening visit?
Is it your spouse or BM who said "it's harder on everyone"? What does your spouse think?
He said that. He thinks if
He said that. He thinks if she was with us for a week straight I'd go crazy. I think I would adjust and enjoy the fewer transitions. On transition days, she gets picked up at 530 and goes to the other house for 2 nights during the week or 3 nights on weekends. 50/50 schedule. I know he suffers when she's away... He is a very involved Dad. I had no idea how this would feel prior to living it
He doesn't get to decide for
He doesn't get to decide for you how you'd feel. As it stands, the current schedule is driving you out of your mind so why not at least TRY something different?
50/50 with W-on, W-off is simple. This constant transition
50/50 with W-on, W-off is simple. This constant transition crap is ridiculous.
Your DH is gaslighting you on this one. Time to tell him either he goes W-on, W-off or you and your DS move to your own place and he will get no time with both of his kids and his wife because you are done with the invasive current schedule.
Everyone will likely thrive with a W-on W-off including your SD. She will have dedicated time with both sides of her blended family and you and your family will have dedicated time without the SKId drama, the X drama, etc.....
The kid goes to the other home every Monday AM with the start of the week school drop off. That way, there is separation between your mate and his X that can't happen with this never ending transition insanity schedule. Summers and holidays can be split in a way that maintains sanity rather than injecting constant disruption to everyone's lives.
Good luck.
That's a ridiculous schedule
That's a ridiculous schedule - the poor girl must feel as if she belongs nowhere, being constantly between houses like that. Maybe it's time her parents started thinking about what is best for HER rather than telling you to be more accepting. There ARE other possible setups.
How old is she?
She's twelve!
She's twelve!
Well, on the bright side.. at
Well, on the bright side.. at least you know when the transition is. Does it happen AT your home? does it have to happen there? Is there an expectation that your SO deliver the child "fed" or does the recieving parent do that?
I mean.. I get that 530 may be your dinner time.. but it feels like that should be able to shift slightly to accomodate your husband's need to exchange his child.
Now... the transitions may have to happen AT this time.. but that doesn't mean he has to allow them to be disruptive.
If they are happening at your home.. then I would suggest that.
1. Your SO have SD fully packed up and ready to hit the road.
2. You can prep your dinner.. and depending on whether SD is supposed to eat with you all.. you can either wait for the exchange to happen to serve.. or your SO can prepare a quick meal for his kid early.. if what you have planned for dinner isn't ready/available earlier.
3. BM does not come in the house.. she comes to the door (if child is young).. and your DH answers door with child and her things in hand.. hands off to BM... bye bye SD see you on Xday. that's it... no need for you to deal with BM at all.
On the odd chance that you have to be the one there for the exchange.. it's still simply .. meet BM at door with child.. hand her off and that's it.
Again.. I get that sometimes rigidity is tough.. but it does feel like the certainty at least allows for you to plan for it. Shoot.. have a new habit where you take your bio for a walk during pickup window.. let your DH handle it.. and maybe HE does dinner that night? I also get that schedules are good.. but I find that being too tightly attached to them makes it hard at times because life is not always going to line up with a super specific timeline.. so being able to flex a bit is helpful.
Maybe as the child ages.. there will be a desire by both parents for a different schedule.
Our child is 10 months so he
Our child is 10 months so he needs the consistent schedule for his meals.
We do have her ready to go and the only thing that goes back and forth is the clothing she wears and backpack during school.
after I had a second trimester loss of a baby and birthed the baby- she sent scathing emails to my husband threatening court and saying "5:36 is not 530" and other equally rigid things.
Her mom used to have a key to the hallway for her bear on drop off and I quickly said no when I moved in.
doing something else other than waiting for her to come or go sounds like a plan. I used to go to therapy or appointments or see friends but now that baby is in our life I usually am home.
the drop off rotates every other time - here there here there
Just to make sure.. So you
Just to make sure.. So you have a bio child and the schedule is that your step child arrives right at your house 3 days a week right at 530 around dinner time? That sounds so stressful for everyone. Does she get dropped off at your house? Eat dinner there?
How was this schedule arranged? Do they have a court order in place? If they don't I would fight tooth and nail to change the schedule to one with more days on a row
One thing I found with lots of transition days is that the kids seemed more stressed on the transitional day.
. For example if they were with us for 5 days in a row. On the first day, the transition day they came from one house to the other and had to settle in. They had to bring their things from one house to another. It was all a transition. They acted out more on that day and then settled in better on the other days... More relaxed. We also found this with my husbands kids.
The schedule was arranged
The schedule was arranged when she was 2 and is a court document. I wish the drop off was at school time. She is either dropped at 530 or my husband gets her and isn't home for another hour. It rotates every other. It makes planning trips nearly impossible because mom is not flexible. She eats at the home she is going to
My heart hurts for her - she
My heart hurts for her - she must feel like a burden for everyone. How about you suggest to your husband that he talk to her to get afeel of how this schedule affects her. It is outrageous to expect something drawn up when she was a toddler to still be appropriate now that she's nearly a teen.
It's time your husband opened his eyes and his mind and went back to court to negotiate something that will harm her less. He seriously needs to start thinking of her FIRST and not just obeying what his ex wants.
I feel for her too. No one
I feel for her too. No one wants to experience split homes from age 2 or separation from parents or stepparents...I try to be straight forward with her about what it must be like to deal with all of the moving parts and lack of control. She has said she "likes the schedule because I never go too long without seeing one of my parents" ...I don't know if that's because she thinks that's what they want or if she really feels that way. When she went to a 5 day schedule she was having panic attacks so they quickly switched back. She has learned some grounding skills since.
I don't think anyone outwardly shown that this is a burden- I have just recently felt it's overwhelming me so I'm seeking help to prevent it going onto her the best I can. She's been an only child for a long time and seems to thrive on the individual attention.
I used to be in therapy and have an appointment on the books in part because I do not want to damage her through my inability to deal with things the way they are.
"you either trust my
"you either trust my parenting or your don't"... I would say I don't you allowed creepy behavior toward the child and then blocked the needed therapy
I would keep an eye out for that. Is that person now gone? Bf son is not around any more?
I have tried so hard with
I have tried so hard with that. I even went to therapy. I work in psych and treat pts with trauma hx and so I know all the signs. We reported it and nada happened.
they had an ours baby and then got married a year later so we're stuck with it
If she's in danger of sexual
If she's in danger of sexual assault in any form (hell, shes only twelve!), I'd be calling CPS.
I agree. I would call cps
I agree. I would call cps also.
Yes, that is who I reported
Yes, that is who I reported it to when she was 9. CPS really doesn't do anything in my experience. I work in healthcare and work with people who have had their children removed as well as children experiencing abuse and neglect it has to be repeated and extreme - it's terrible !!!
is that stepson still in her
is that stepson still in her mom's home?
I'm not sure what to do re: the drop off times. My son came home at 4am because of his dad's work schedule and his dad moving an hour out from where we lived. it was not ideal but my son could sleep through a marching band standing next to his bed so he never woke up to know he was on the way home. He'd go to bed in one house, wake up in the other. The only downside, exhausted parents.
He's still there.... god
He's still there.... god knows who did that to him first :/
you are a saint with your schedule!
I hate to be on the other side
But as a SP you must accept certain things. Before you had kids you knew the schedual, it's not convenient to you, but you don't matter . You were not part of the CO. You must accept BM is going to screw up your life. I agree, I would not want contact with the ex . As SO, to not talk with the ex. We have texting. And saveing the texts for the future.
Why are you part of the pick up? DH should do the picks up returns by himself . You can make baby something to eat or snack on. Something healthy. Apples, bananas. Cut up.
I would not come home from work. Do the pick up then start dinner. Picks up,s are not your problem. You had no ,or given , any input in the schedual, So it's up to DH to deal with it. SD has two parents, you are not one of them.
I knew the schedule but
I knew the schedule but assumed I mattered more... yes, I was wrong. That's what I'm grieving. I will eat with our baby and he will Continue to do pick ups and send her out the door. It doesn't mean it doesn't impact the flow of things. They use that app that tracks everything and I don't even have her number so I'm not involved with anything really- I just live here
I also bet in about year SD
I also bet in about year SD is not going to want this schedule. She may end up picking a house to spend all of her time at.
I'm sure she won't be allowed
I'm sure she won't be allowed to do that. The thing that sucks is that we get along but I just hate how flexible I have to be...I am not a "good enough" person to just love this lifestyle day in and day out for the rest of her years. I've coped ok but there are times I'm just annoyed. This is one of them
So the details have all been
So the details have all been covered above. BUT are YOU assisting with this transition at all or does your husband do it all? My suggestion is that you do nothing to help with it. You take care of your child and yourself, keep your schedule for the 10 month old. Why is a transition time for a 12 yo (!!) interrupting the baby's schedule. If you are assisting at all stop now. Say no firmly and stick to it. If your DH doesn't get dinner, or your SD doesn't get dinner when she arrives, then your DH can deal with it.
I hate those mid-week schedules and don't have a clue why the courts do that to kids. DH and BM changed up my SDs schedule to week on/off (not via court order but mutual agreement) once OSD was out of elementary school and it was so much better. But if your DH and the BM don't want to change it, they get to deal with all of it.
I get why THEY don't want to
I get why THEY don't want to change it to some degree... but I'm just not in their shoes so I struggle with all of the back and forth. I'm advocating for the transition to be from school at least Monday and Wednesday. I don't drive her to her moms. She's very clingy and not very independent so the last hour before she comes or goes my husband just is entirely focused on either getting ready to go or spending that quality time before she gets picked up. So the house is at a standstill until she's here or there. I'd like to start feeling like MY life doesn't revolve around that schedule so I'm trying to come up with ways to let it be THEIR schedule on those days and for the house to keep going. I definitely was very accommodating for too long - because I wanted her to feel a sense of family and all of that... but I have to prioritize my child as he grows.
Ok, then now you stick to
Ok, then now you stick to YOUR own schedule. Why do things have to come to a stanstill when your SD is transitioning houses? You have things you must do. Take conrol of your time and the baby's time and stick to it.
Heck, I don't have kids and I had to learn this. It was maddening waiting on / helping DH and SDs with those transition days until, here, I realized it wasn't my problem.
Thank you- I'm trying to
Thank you- I'm trying to shift to a more empowered way of dealing with it... versus being overpowered. I have no friends who are stepparents so I have no litmus test for this stuff!
I guess while he may not have
I guess while he may not have said it in the most supportive way... you figuring out how to "accept" the inconveniences and frustrations of being in a blended family is something that you would need to work on. Now, sure, there may be some things that can be done differently... you and your SO do have the power and control over how your home is run.. but that does stop when it involves things outside your home.. your husband's EX.. and their schedule that has been long established is one of those things unfortunately.
BUT.. you don't HAVE to let it change your schedule. You can simply go about YOUR business.. feeding your child and letting your husband figure out the logistics including meals for his other daughter on days when it is his responsibility.
I mean, as your baby gets older.. the rigidity around a 530 on the dot meal may not be as necessary. Your child will have it's own set of scheduling issues as school starts and further to outside school activities when they are of that age. But.. at that point, your SD will be almost aged out of visitation.. so you should be able to regain a bit more control and not feel you have to work around the current status quo.
There is also the possibility that your SD may start wanting to dictate a bit where she is.. as school and activities become more involved, she may not be able to flip back and forth as easily...
I am not saying it WILL change.. but it could..
I would also try to get out of the mindset that because he can't/won't change this schedule that you don't matter.. or your baby doesn't matter. He doesn't have full ability to make a change on his own.. even if he wanted to. He likely enjoys the ability to be a frequent part of his older child's life.. and he is there with you and your baby all the time.. so there is that too. I'm sure he loves you and your child.. as much as he loves his other child.. there may be finite constraints on time and money.. but love does not appear to be limited in what a person may give.
I think you would be happier to focus on the good things.. that your SD is a nice child.. that she isn't herself problematic to you...other than the schedule that her parents set up when she was 2yo.
So... when it's transition day.. just spend that hour or so focused on your child.. getting them fed etc.. your SO can manage the transition you give a wave and a byebye.. see you Xday. but you can set a boundary.. no BM in your house.... if that is what is happening.. you should be able to ask that that be stopped.
I guess I just wish I knew
I guess I just wish I knew how it might feel before. They also watch television for like an hour before bed every night that she's with us, every single weekend is 2 movie nights etc... their traditions and bonding take up a lot of time.. so I feel like he's always kind of just focused on her (because of his grief) we're kind of taken for granted. He loves us...it's just that the Semi-Disney Dad stuff is probably also getting to me. He does have rules but every day she's with us is constant celebration.
So yes, I need to be flexible and accept what is. I'm also just grieving how I expected it to feel. My husband has always expected that we do dinner, nights etc as a family to bond and I'm feeling a big lack of influence... why am I surprised.
you are correct though- I am not wanting to be miserable and angry for years
From what you say, I get the
From what you say, I get the impression that your needs as a spouse and partner are not being met. You feel more like a roommate than a wife. Hence, I ask if you and your husband have date nights? If not then you must absolutely insist on regular nights where you can just talk be there for each other, basically, just to reconnect. Insist on one night per week. You don't have to go out every time, but you do need to ensure that only you two count during that time (so all phones,tablets, and computers are switched OFF!).
Just bought a house with way
Just bought a house with way more space to get away from the child zone thankfully... we used to do more date nights and you are right, it helped so much. Her bedtime is late and by the time she's asleep- I'm done with it. He won't bother hiring a sitter either. I've stopped staying up late just to have that alone time because I got sick of being at my worst by the time we had alone time. Ever since I stopped doing that- he hasn't really flexed anything... which is why I'm probably so annoyed by the life that comes before her bedtime. Like oh, I am dealing with the inconvenience and don't really even get the reason I'm dealing with it. I've also told him that it's hard to get in the mood when I'm not feeling like anything but a roommate for months now.
We struggled with the
We struggled with the transition phase.. in both directions for the first years of our marriage. SS had a pr- visitation departure behavioral degradation phase he went through where he went from a mellow little boy to a hellion over the week before he left for SpermLand visitation.
Following SpermLand visitation he had about 2wks of post visitation behavioral detox. Once he hit about 5-6yo we ended that crap. It was full compliance to our family standards of behavior from the second he arrived home until he was walking down the jetbridge to head to wallow in the SpermClan's shallow and polluted gene pool for 5wks summer, 1wk winter, or 1wk spring. Whether it was before and after the 5wk visitation, or the 1wk visitations the rule was the same. You lay eyes on us, your head it out of your ass. Either he removes it or we will.
We made it clear. That crap did not fly and it would not happen. He learned to self isolate when he was addressing his predeparture and post return adjustments because we did not tolerate the pre and post visitation behavioral bullshit.
So.. transition my ass! It should be no mystery what the rules in your home and family are and the toxic oppositions bullshit stops at your door the second the SKid arrives until they get out of the car or on the plane back to the toxic end of their gene pool. In an age appropriate format.
It does not matter if it is a 50/50 multiple exanges a week schedule or a long distance schedule or anything in between. The kid complies with the standards of behavior that applies in whatever home they are in from the second they arrive until the second the depart for the other home. Where those standards apply and are complied with. This is really no different than when they leave home for school each day, or daycare, or practices, etc... Each environment has rules and the kid follows them. The kid does not get to pick and choose which rules in each situation they will follow. They.... follow.... THE ..... rules. Period. Dot.
IMHO of course.
When my kids were younger, we
When my kids were younger, we did the 2 days/2days/EOW. The kids went to school and rode the bus to daycare for aftercare during school then went to the same daycare during the summer, so their days were always the same, and pick up was done at daycare. When they got too old for that, we switched to week on/week off. I can't imagine trying to do exchanges more than weekly when one parent has to go to the other's for drop off. Age 12 seems like a good age to make that transition. It has to be hard on the kid, too. I hate to say it, because 50/50 is most fair to the parents, but it's hard on everyone involved.
I wish there was a way to
I wish there was a way to make the situation in-hard but it's the shitty reality... I'm trying to get it together so that this can be more manageable for everyone else involved... I'm glad yours changed !!!!
In the situation above, i was
In the situation above, i was the bio-parent. That makes a world of difference. I can't imagine how crappy it would be to be the stepparent in a 50/50, frequent exchanges at my home type situation. As a bioparent you have so much more control over what goes on. Plus in my case having the kids go to school and aftercare like they did gave them stability. I didn't have a choice due to my work schedule, but it gave them consistency. For a 12-year-old, it has to suck, so much shuffling. At least it's on a schedule, as opposed to just wherever whenever at BM's whim, but still.
I can understand you not wanting SD
To control your life. But DH is allowing it, it's DH fault not SD. The adults made up and continued to do this crazy schedule, you now must disengage. Make a life for yourself and baby. It's truely sucks that DH relationship with SD and his ex is so much different then yours with DH. I would be ticked off about it. He came home to the ex and there baby and had family time. You are not getting that.
'You will feed Abdul taje care of your baby, DH is totally in charge of SD. He will cook and clean up for her and himself after he gets her. You will be busy someplace else.
'This it time for that talk, explaining you are getting the short end of the stick. He has already one failed marriage, and is closed to a second one. Unless he start doing something. You will just rather live by yourself then buy yourself with him.
I appreciate the validation.
I appreciate the validation. It's true- it's not her fault. I feel like I'm constantly having to feel sorry for everyone else in the situation but don't feel happy myself... I feel I sacrifice way more than the schedule at the expense of a ton of extra effort. I am a supportive stepparent. My DH is very very very very very engaged in her life. I am tired of picking up the slack for her mother which my husband also finds himself doing... but that's his bio kid so it's his job. Do you have tips on disengaging but not being a jerk about it? We talked last night and I shared that I feel I have no time to myself to deal with stress because of the dynamics and schedule and I'm needing to do that now because I'm now a bio parent and don't want a divorce.