Finally took a stand
I have been with partner for 13 years. His 35 year old daughter is so toxic & every time she has a drama with someone she try's to excuse by telling stories/lies - attacked as a child, has multiple personalities (diagnosed after 3 sessions). Didn't meet us o/s because she nearly got kidnapped yet kept money for ticket. She's a compulsive liar, takes no responsibility for her actions & the awful way she treats people me, her father, or her stepdaughter who is 12.
She tells her father regularly of her dislike of me. Threatens to cut us off if we don't follow her rules when it comes to her children yet complains that we don't help her enough. I have recently distanced myself from her-I just can't handle her nastiness, negativity & she doesn't have a nice word to say about anyone, she even tried to set up a meeting between him & her mother, even suggesting that her mum would happily go out to dinner with him...this is affecting my mental health because I'm so stressed when I'm around her.
She told her father the other day that if I didn't start visiting I wasn't welcome at an upcoming christening of her children & I would be cut from their lives.
Blackmailing & trying to dictate to me was final straw. I texted her & told her she was a bully and blackmailing wouldn't wash with me and in a nutshell told her to go jump(not so politely).
I also told her that I knew about her trying to set her mum & dad up...saying "I would be offended if it wasn't so ridiculous.
She has now blocked her father & it's all my fault.
I was in a marriage that was physically & verbally abusive. I told partner that the verbal abuse stayed with me long after the physical healed.
I told him she is mentally abusive (she very passive aggressive).
She says & does whatever she wants with no consequences, yet if you do same to her she cuts you off.
Partner is very upset because he's scared he won't see grandchildren again.
Am I wrong to stand up for myself...I just broke and it all came out aimed at her.
Good for You!
You stood up for yourself finally. I don't say that judgementally. It took me 12 years after an incident that sent me spiraling down into a very dark place. But I finally stood up for myself. DH and his adult kid crew were clearly told the who, what, why, when and where. I haven't seen them in 6+ years (with the exception of some short visits recently to see DH; I don't interact).
The SD's actions are clearly meant to cause damage. Why is her father blocked? It should be you (and be glad for that) as you are the one she had conflict with. So why is he blocked? She's playing games, putting him in a position to choose and start more trouble in your marriage. If he falls for that, he deserves what he gets.
Tell your DH to manage his relationship with his daughter; you have no part of it. Block her on your phone, email and all social media. Do not respond to anything about her or from her via your DH. If you can, have your DH see her away from your marital home. If that can't happen, then have all visits pre-arranged and you can plan something while she is there. Grandkids need a sitter? That's your DHs job. Again, do not lift one finger to help. The key is to disengage completely from the woman while letting your DH manage his relationship with her and the grands.
It can be done. I'm the proof because this is how we operate. DHs kids rent a place when they are local and DH visits with them there. He does not babysit his one local grand because he knows I'm NOT helping. As I am open to having some of this less toxic kids visit in our home, I have a plan there, also. I am cordial, say my greetings, offer coffee/tea, and then excuse myself to my studio or other parts of the house.
Best to you.
Finally took a stand
I was probably wrong I used partner phone to message her. I don't have any of her contact details because I don't trust myself. She's regularly threatens/blackmails her father if he won't give her money telling him that's what parents do (support them financially). I'm just so sick of the way she treats her father and me she's awful.
I have messaged her on his phone previously & we have no secrets. I look at his phone & he looks at mine just to stay in the loop with things going on with family.
she says awful things about her stepdaughter saying she's clumsy, is hoping she will get to stage that she doesn't want to visit anymore because she doesn't like her & tries to exclude her, she's 12.
i have a granddaughter similar age in similar situation & it flips me into a bad space thinking is that how her stepmother treats her?
Her mother is 'god' and can do no wrong. Her father takes her abuse purely because her doesn't want to be cut from grandchildren.
It has happened before...I've said something to upset her and she has blocked her father. That's his punishment for being with me...someone that doesn't put up with her tox/controlling behaviour.
I have been in verbally abusive relationship before & it took me a long time to get over it.
Mentally I can't & won't take it from her.
You must realize by now
You can't win. Actually you cant even play the game . Unless you beg and gravel for straps. Knowing you can't play the game just give up. The world doesn't evolve around her and her kids. You will not be disrespected to get to buy her kids gifts. Actually you will not be disrespected at all. DH can't be mister on the fence anymore. He must choose sides. This was not your doing.
'But if anyone wants my SO to have dinner with his ex that would be a deal breaker.. as in dinner with ex equals divorce!!! I never made my SO marry me. She knew that she must break with the ex if our marriage would work.
your SO must understand this. That he can not let DD control his home. Or his wife
Dinner w ex
I don't expect my partner to take sides. I have distanced myself from her because her passive aggressive behaviour feels like emotional abuse. My partner respects this. My partner's only family is this daughter & her children & he would suffer if he didn't have grandchildren in his life.
Stepdaughter & her family live overseas & we only visit every 2 years.
Partner didn't have dinner with ex, his daughter stated "mum would have dinner with you". We were arguing at the time, he told daughter & she put in her two cents worth.
My partner would never in a million years go out to dinner with his ex, she is just as toxic as the daughter.
Yes: Good for you! These
Yes: Good for you!
These kinds of creatures need clear boundaries set. I did that with BM a long time ago and removed the B from our lives. Yes, there was blowback, but enough is enough. Everything has worked out. *Applause*
Why do I feel hurt
Partner has been unblocked from his daughter, my stepdaughter. She has informed him that she doesn't want anymore to do with me & he told her I felt same way.
i could forgive her if she could apologise & take responsibility for her behaviour but she won't. I'm not surprised, but I am sad.
I suspect it's a loyalty thing with her mother. I wasn't the other woman, we met years after his marriage ended, but I am still the woman that replaced her mother in her fathers life in a way.
Lately this situation is all we seem to talk about. I just want to be able to let the situation be as it is...let it go and focus on our relationship.
I'm struggling to shut up about it & I know I need to work on myself, pray, journal & meditate to be at peace.
I don't want him to chose between us, stepdaughter hasn't asked him to chose, she has said to him "it's your life do what makes you happy. He would be miserable & resentful if he had to chose and that wouldn't help my relationship & I want our life together.
You can think I'm silly. ❤️
i could forgive her if she
That's where I was at one point, but SD lied and cried and said she never did anything to apologize for.
This seems to be a trend. DH felt the need to tell SD I wasn't the other woman, although he and BM had been divorced 5 years when we met, and we married another 3 years later.
When in the midst of crisis/change, I think it's normal to rehash things, evaluate, relive, discuss. In time, you'll get used to the "new normal."
You deserve peace--we all do. Do what you need to do to attain it and hold onto it.
Nope.
Sorry about my formatting here!
Brava!
Of course you were right to stand up for yourself. You reached your breaking point and you let her know. We have to do that as our spouses seem to fold into an emitional mess and won't defend us when necessary. I know the word gets thrown around quite a bit, but she sounds like a narcissistic sociopath. Boundaries, boundaries, boundaries. It's sad how your SO doesn't see the extreme level of manipulation going on here. Yes, at this point she controls her kids but they will grow up one day and will be free to see whoever they want to. Disgusting that she'd use her own children for her gain.
Stay strong!
Disengagement from SD
Oh he sees the manipulation, she's as cunning as a rat, lying is as natural as breathing to her. He has stated that he know all this and knows she's mentally unstable.
He puts up with it because other than me, she is all he has. Ex wife has poisoned other daughter against him.
He is desperate to have a relationship with grandchildren because she is so nutty...he thinks he can be a positive influence in their lives.
I can handle this as long as I don't have to deal with her. I would love to have relationship with grandchildren but, I also don't want to get attached. She would take them away frommme in the blink of an eye if anything I said or did upset her.
I get anxiety just being near her, her behaviour is quite strange unless your immediate (blood) family. She's quite odd.
I just worry she's in background making her poison comments trying to cause trouble.
Are there others out there that have disengaged from adult stepchildren & their relationship with husband/partner survived?
would love to hear others viewpoint negative and positive.
I've disengaged from adult
I've disengaged from adult skids and my relationship with DH has not only survived, but has greatly improved/grown. It took him setting boundaries with his kids even before I fully disengaged. They were aware of what behaviors DH would and would not tolerate (which is why SD especially did her crap behavior in a very slick manner--it was very devious). For example, they knew DH would have exploded had one of them (again, in front of him) talked to me in a disrespectful manner or tone.
It helped that DH was fully aware of the parental alienation syndrome that was occurring; he knew BM had tainted the skids' views of him and had poisoned them against me. He was fully aware that no matter who he was with, BM would have had issues with that person, and that she was purposely passing on these views to the skids.
A huge thing that helped our marriage survive is that we have never lived in the same state as the skids. Therefore, during the major PAS'ing and especially as skids got older, visits were not frequent. There was always the "excuse" that I had to work or watch our dog when he visited or attended events. He chose to make those excuses; I didn't say a word. I didn't want to be with them and I didn't care if they knew that.
We had our fights through the years. Same old accusations toward me.
As the skids grew older, well into adulthood, DH's tolerance of them grew thinner (everyone expects people to mature and things to change--didn't happen). He is totally with me about them not coming to our house. I won't be disrespected in my house. They have had many chances. I tried.
Like you, I will not be around/get to know the grandchildren because I know SD and her mother dangle children as carrots to manipulate and (especially) punish others. I will not be placed in that position again. One of their last nasty jabs at me took place over baby gifts I sent. Out of four grands, I have met only two. I do not intend to ever see any of them again. DH feels sad about that but he fully understands.
He goes to see the skids 2 - 4 times a year. He usually comes home deflated, used up, and grateful to be home. I don't know how he does it. We have our lives here and we visit people in my family who treat us kindly.
All else is good!
The only thing you have done
The only thing you have done wrong was to wait so long to rip out her throat. But that is over and you are now doing what should have been done long and ago and continuously from the get of of this shit show with this toxic spawn.
Good on you.
No, filet her and keep skinning her until she either pulls her head out of her ass or stays gone. Either way, you and DH win. He needs to pull his head out of his own ass and stop sniffing the ass of his toxic spawn. The odds of her kids being any better than she is are slim and none. Actually, they are far like than not destined to be far worse than their toxic mother.
Good luck.