Spoiled adult stepchildren; can’t be near them
My husband of 15 years is easy going and unfortunately people take advantage of him. Including his kids. He's relatively wealthy and kind hearted. Has twin 30 year old children from his first wife (I'm #3). His kids got cars at 15, fly around the world whenever they want, and he has them on payroll making >$100k/yr even though they've never worked a day in their lives (both are unemployed & live in sanfrancisco in $1.6M condos). When his daughter got married "she" flew all her friends to Portugal for a week long Bachlorette party. Who does that? The Kardashians?? And his daughter!
Unlike my husband, I was raised by two lower middle class parents (bookkeeper & woolworths manager) who put me thru college and I'm now a hard working, successful engineer with enough money to pay my own way. I take nothing from my husband. I have two daughters from my first marriage (he's my 2nd) and each of my kids completed college (PhD from Cambridge and the other graduated tops in her class from Penn State). My kids are gainfully employed and live in old homes in Florida which they are paying for themselves. They don't ask or get any money from me. If they want it - they earn it.
My problem is his children. One recently got married and she had both of my husbands prior wives included in the wedding party. I was not included. And that was OK with me. But when I was told I'd be sitting alone during the ceremony I spoke up. His kids don't like me. When his son was living with us briefly (he's dropped out of 6 colleges) I was sick of him sitting around playing video games and suggested he (25 years old at the time) get a job. His response? "Dad...are you going to let her talk to me that way?!?" And Dad (non confrontational) just sat there. I ended up leaving in order to not end up in prison. His kids know if I had a say they'd be off payroll and be required to support themselves so they don't like me. They currently live 2000 miles away from us so our paths now cross just a few times per year. And that's good. But I hear regularly from my husband how great his kids are..."can you believe how brilliant my daughter is to have come up with having her bachelorette party in Portugal? Most kids would never have thought of that! And she told me she saved me a lot of money having it there. She's really on top of things!". I just smile.
By comparison, both my girls are college grads and also married. Except their Bachlorette parties were at a local pub down the street from their house and cost just $200. And their parties lasted 4 hours because they had jobs to go to the next day.
My stepson has announced he is also getting married. And likely the wedding will be somewhere in Europe (said he's doing it to save daddy the expense of having it in California where stepson currently lives). My husband is paying for 1/2 his sons wedding. I frankly have no desire to attend. I was snubbed at the daughters wedding and it hurt me. I had a horrible time and ended up taking a Lyft to a nearby town to see a movie because his daughter had planned for his ex wives to sit with him at every event (I was put at another table until I spoke up & then he moved to sit with me). I've told my husband how I feel and he still wants me there at his son's wedding with him. I don't want to hurt his feelings. He's a good man. He treats my kids as his own (except they aren't on his payroll & they ask for nothing other than his company). What do I do? I'm dreading this wedding. I'd have to take off from work - fly to Europe and likely spend days with his kids hearing about their new cars, homes, trips to FarEast, etc..and all while unemployed. I also likely won't be included in the festivities because I'm not in this wedding party either. Nor do I want to be. I'd rather just not go at all. And I know my husband giving them so much money and requiring nothing in return is doing them a disservice. I know that. But after 15 years of trying by example to show him that kids shouldn't be given everything - they should work for it - or not have it- I've given up thinking anything will change. He has made no changes in parenting. And likely the only reason I'm invited to this wedding is because he told his kids they have to invite me. So what do I do? I don't want to spend the next 9 months losing sleep over the thought of having to be around them. But I don't want to disappoint my husband. I love him. Now I'm seriously considering getting "sick" at the last minute. His kids would be happy. I'd be happy. And my husband won't be sad that I refused to go. Sorry im ranting. I'm desperate. Open to suggestions. Thank you!
Sounds like we married similar guys.
Look after 15 years YOU YOU are the spouse. Period. You need not attend anyone's wedding who treats you with disrespect. If your husband is so placid, he won't raise a stink about you not going. He'll be fine. You will too, not being at a place where you are treated like that.
I agree
Stay home, your DH is easygoing, he will be fine. Two good things: 1) they live 2,000 miles away and 2) your DH can afford it all. You and I know their situation is ridiculous but nothing you do or say will affect it
Be thankful you had the sense to raise yours normally and be glad he has a good relationship with them.
My husband fully understands
My husband fully understands why I go to nothing. I don't visit his kids where they are (he does). They do not come here any longer. I avoided graduations but also attended a wedding and was treated like crap. Never again. Just say no. Don't fret over it. Don't worry yourself about it. Just tell him now that you are not going to be around people who don't want you around.
If you do go, don't let the
If you do go, don't let the skids separate you from your DH. Plop down right next to him no matter what they say. But if you don't want to go, don't. You are under no obligation.
At these ages, the skids are like animals who have been fed their whole lives. They don't have the ability to feed themselves or survive in the wild. As long as your DH is alive, he will be feeding them. Idk what the will situation is but it sounds like he has Elon Musk level finances. I hope you are at least benefitting from his wealth, too. I know you say you support yourself, but in this situation, i hope you aren't getting the worst of both worlds (dealing with spoiled jet-setting skids but living like a frugal working stiff.) Because, just...why?
As soon as you find out
As soon as you find out exactly where the wedding will be, start doing your research so that you have so many things planned to do that you barely have time to attend the wedding itself much less waste any of your time on smalltalk. Make it a trip to look forward to despite the wedding.
if the walking wallet wants
if the walking wallet wants to waste his cash, you should get the same amount his unemployed children get. take your own trip, bring a pal, or a cruise you've always wanted to do and take your sister/bestie/mom/etc. he can hop, skip and jump to their tune while he funds you doing you. and remind him of how smart and wise you are to not be kicked to the side and instead having your own fun so he's not worried about you sitting there alone and unwanted.
Exactly. What's the point of
Exactly. What's the point of being with a filthy rich guy with no boundaries with his kids who lets them treat you like crap, except to also benefit from the money? It's like hanging out with the Kardashians all day but eating a Happy Meal next to them eating caviar, then having to leave early to wake up for your shift at the salt mine while they can stay out late, sleep in, and fly to Portugal for the next month.
Exactly if they are going to
Exactly if they are going to plan all that extravaganza I would plan an over the top opulent trip myself and just enough time for the wedding (or not) lol. Portugal looks nice..
Azores Islands....
Madeira
Is fabulous!
We try to please
The real problem I see is that practically all of these guys who are pushovers are not going to divorce their wives over their adult kids. Not happening. The real problem are people like myself who twist themselves into pretzels trying to be all things to everyone. I can tell you I know many women who would not waste time over their indifferent steps. They would have set the rules and the power years ago. You've been married many years as have I. We both seem to have tried to win over people who dont give a crap about us. And the truth be told if we had given these ungrateful kids the cold shoulder their fathers might have boo hooed a bit but nothing would have come of it.
So girl START NOW. Do whatever YOU want with the steps. Who's going to tell you otherwise? Your husband? I think not. I can tell you our steps are not writing on a blog somewhere how to get stepmommy to like them. Lol. And I've been doing exactly THAT for years. It's very freeing when you think about it. Taking the caring off the table. But do it. It's your marriage. It's your life. Don't waste it over people who are throughly indifferent to you. I'm gearing myself up for my visit of the step. Formulating a plan in my head. I wear my heart on my sleeve. A friend told me just nod and smile. Just nod and smile. And do nothing for people for do nothing for you.
I think your idea of "getting
I think your idea of "getting sick" at the last minute is as good as anything else. My DH is going to his niece's wedding next month, and after a few weeks of sleepless nights about it, I told him I didn't want to go, as all the people who hate me will be there - ie his daughters (I am estranged from the elder one), his mother (he is estranged from but I guarantee she blames me!) and other members of his family.
I felt sick when you said how much money your husband gives his adult children. Doesn't he realise they will be permently infantilised by not having to earn their own livings? He is really not doing them any favours.
Portugal is great but I
Portugal is great but I would suggest going to Ibiza for the Bachelorette party.
I mean GO BIG or stay home right?
About what you should do? Well, that is up to you.
I would not miss that clown show, honestly. Practice smiling, a lot
Wow! Best. Therapy. Ever.
Thanks to everyone who responded. Brilliant suggestions, comments and tales of similar situations. Makes me realize that I'm not the only person going thru such nonsense. Thank you! My biggest concern is hurting my husbands feelings by not attending his sons wedding. My husband attends every single event with my children (they are local) and I'm feeling guilty for wanting to skip one of his kids big events. The last wedding (his daughter's) was horrible and left me in tears until the tears turned to anger and I fought back. But it's not something I want to do again. And you've all given me some great ideas. I'm thinking of taking my own vacation while he's off with the kardashian (like) wedding event in Europe. Not sure what everyone who responded does for a living but you've missed your calling. You're more in tune with stepchildren issues than any therapist, offer more practical advice than Dr Phil and way better attitude than even my dear mom. Thank you!
Conveniently get "sick" ...
Conveniently get "sick" ... do a telehealth visit for validity
voila! You're exempt due to health reasons
I take nothing from my
Well if he's gonna be waltzing around throwing money around like Daddy Warbucks then you may as well start taking too.
Make sure to take quadruple of what mini-spouse is taking.
I'm team be radiant, present, and in their faces.
When they start bragging on their homes, cars, and trips, ask them what job they have that payed them enough to have those things.
Be radiant, be at your DH's side, sit with him and displace someone else if the shit spawn Skidults try to sit you separately from your DH/father of the groom.
As for daddy paying for half of Skippy's wedding. Tradition is that the parents of the groom pay for only the rehersal dinner, the flowers in the church, flowers for the wedding party, and for the tuxedos of the groom and groom's men. My XILs tried to get my parents to pay for half of the ridiculous social event of the season wedding. My parents agreed on the condition that my ILs cut their daugther and I a check for half of the wedding costs, my parents would cut us an equal check and we could use that money as we chose. For a house, or even the wedding but the money had to go directly to us and not to my XILs to use to pay for their daughters social event of the season wedding. My XMIL got all but hurt and offended spouting that her DD would have the wedding that she wanted. So, my parents paid for the rehearsal dinner, the tuxedos for my and my groomsmen, and for the wedding party flowers. They did not pay for the cathedral flowers during the wedding since we married on Jan 3 and the holiday floral arrangements were still in place in the Cathedral we married in. That marriage should have been annuled on the Monday following the Saturday wedding. Fortunately I only wasted 2.5 years of my life married to my adulterous XW. That wedding cost $14K a year considering the duration of the marriage. The $500 wedding in lake Tahoe has cost $16.67 a year... so far. The cost of a wedding has no bearing on the quality of the marriage. Your kids do not need this message since you have raised quality, successful, self supporting viable adults. Something your SKidult Skids will no doubt never be.
I know that DH is wealthy, but... you.... are his bride and you get a say. Make sure he knows that you are at his side through the whole shit show of a next Skid wedding and either he makes that happen or you will and no one will like it he fails to step up and you have to make it happen.
Be on your grooms arm, be radiant. Roaches, even ones spoiled with unearned standards of living scurry when lights are thown on in a roach filled room. Be the light, the roaches will scurry for the shadows in the light of your radiance and demonstration of a life well lived with your DH. Regardless of him being their father.
Tolerate no bullshit. If DH is hell bent on continuing to tolerate and support the failed adult lives of his shit kidult spawn, make sure he knows that you are fully aware and you are present as he does it. In your place as his equity life partner and demand that he is yours.
If the shit progeny of his failed first families take exception to that, so be it. Be present none the less and be ready to make sure they are put in their place if your DH chooses to not have the testicular fortitude and to be enough of a man to do it.
Grrrrr!
I hurt for you in all of this.
Take care of you.
All IMHO of course.
My SD is the same
I mean, she doesn't get spoiled to the extent that you describe, but only because DH doesn't have the income for all that.
She did however have an expensive fairytale wedding, complete with an entire trip of friends ANd Mummy (his ex wife) to Nashville Tennessee. I am sure DH paid for it all because her mummy doesn't have money for stuff like that. She also complained about it because she felt the places they ate during her trip weren't good enough for her, and DH was saying how bad he felt about that. Like what?!? She got an entire vacation for her bachelorette party!!!! Guess what I got? Nothing nada zip, ever... and I am content as could be with that. And you seriously complain about where you are and drank?!?
She also didn't have a car payment until she was 25 yet always had a new car lease paid for by DH.
He gave thousands of dollars TO HER MOM, HIS EX WIFE, To take her baby clothes/furniture shopping in NEW YORK CITY (because baby needs boutique clothes to spit up on I guess?!?)
Thats when I said enough. Her and her husband have more money than we do and I still have 2 kids at home!!! I said we shouldn't be paying for her mom to take her on vacation. I don't care if he paid for his SD to come on vacation with us (she won't bc she doesn't want to be around me) but paying for her mom to take her?!? No nope not fair at all.
I actually LOL'd when I read
I actually LOL'd when I read that he said wow how awesome and smart of them to save HIM money by booking the bachelorette in Portugal. Smart....
I would start planning a vacation for the 2 of you to somewhere like Paris
Ultimately, I think it's up
Ultimately, I think it's up to you whether you decide to go to the wedding or not. You should not feel bad if you don't choose to go. You could always make an excuse like covid. If you do go... I would be INSISTENT with your husband to make sure you're included.. Have seats, be with him, not be left alone or shunned in any way.
Glow Up
Im Team GlowupandGo, but with all KINDS of fun things planned and bring a bestie
Look and feel your absolute most marvelous.
But also - I know that you mentioned that you can pay your own way - but seriously consider short terrm having husband pay for this. Long term, get those wills in order to make certain that all the skid-related crap is taken care of and YOU and YOURS are taken care of. What do these do nadas do with their lives after daddy Big Bucks kicks the bucket or gets sick? They come after YOU.
That is so horrible that your Skids put you alone and wanted YOUR husband to play happy family with his exes. And they sound like horrible people to begin with. Im so sorry. If your bestie isnt around go spend time with your family (although Europe sounds so FUN :D)
Fly over with them
then announce you're not there to attend the wedding, but to go sight seeing...then go sight seeing!
Dang it
Your DH should damn well understand why you dont want to go and why you wouldnt. Tell your DH you are tired of being uncomfortable and abused to make him comfortable. He can go alone and sit with the exes cause thats the etiquette of toxic families.
You have put up with too much to ever step into those snotty kids lane again.
Frankly your DH should stand up to them. A good DH would not sit idly by watching his wife get treated like crapola.