Resentful, frustrated and powerless
Hi all,
I'm a year in to being a stepmum to my partners now19yr old son. I made the mistake of coming in like Mary Poppins, trying to appease and he was welcoming and never showed any resentment about the sudden changes - it was decided that the youngest son would live with his mum and the eldest with us. I soon learnt the joys of living with a (self centred) teen. At first I struggled with his mear presence which I felt terrible about, having had to keep picking up aftre him. He now does his own laundry but I cook the majority of his meals and he eats everything in site - I now hide things to make them last and try to pick my battles, overlooking his white lies or half hearted attempts to tidy up etc. My partner is very supportive and will sit him down to tell him where he going wrong and what he needs to do to improve. I try my best not to nag him, as I grew up in a household where I walked on eggshells and I do not want to pass that feeling on.
Two weeks ago we threw him a birthday BBQ for him and few mates. He very thankful and they didn't take the p*ss. I also bought him a 2nd hand bike to make it easier for him to get to the gym and his job - my choice as my partner had already given him money. We then went on holiday for a few days and his only instructions were to keep the house tidy, no parties and feed my cat (fresh food daily, check water etc).
We returned to discover that the freezer door had been left open and that the cats food had mould growing on it. Apprently, the bottom draw got stuck and he didn't want to break it so left it open and as for the cat he just said 'my bad, I've had a bad week! I got so angry, I just snapped, because I don't buy his BS and accused him of just being lazy and explained how much it would cost to replace the food. I also find it insulting that I feed and look after him but he couldn't be bothered to be as caring towards my old cat. I literally spent the last of my salary on his BBQ and buying the bike. And now all the resentment, not wanting him around and stress has returned. I absolutely adore my supportive parter. He has sat down with him to talk his behaviour through ans explained how it impacts other people, but I just can't see a way forward. He even told his dad this morning that he had messaged me to apologise - which he hasn't and accused my of calling him a retard! A word I never use! I long for him to just move back with him mum so I can live in peace - it sounds so selfish writing this and I feel guilty as he didn't ask for his parents to split up and be place with me.
How can I change my mindset - I just want to avoid going home at the moment as just being around him is making me agitated? His dad is lot more laid back and optimistic than me but I tend to dwell. I have said that I will take a step back, stop using my money on him and trying to be his mum.
Any advise is welcome x
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Comments
He's 19, not a child. You
He's 19, not a child. You don't have to use any of your resources to support him. Nice if you include him in meals you fix for the household.. but he should not get any real special treatment there.. and your DH should be paying a larger share of the groceries too considering the appetite of a teen boy.
It does sound like he works.. but it sounds like he has not been raised to be very responsible.
I get the frustration at coming home to him basically throwing up his hands and not doing anything when he didn't know how to deal with things.
Obv.. in the future. you would be better sending him to mom's when you go on trips.. and put your cat at a boarding place.. or getting someone you can trust to care for it.
His son also needed to hear from dad that the way you handle things isn't to just ignore a problem and walk away.. if he didn't know what to do.. he could have called and asked.
If there is a next time, Iwould require picture proof and maybe write out specific instructions if you hadn't already.
Thank you. Great advice I
Thank you. Great advice I needed to hear xx
Welcome to the site!
It's good to hear that you're not going to be spending money on him, going forward - that is his Dad's job, if money is to be spent, and at 19, that should certainly be VERY limited. He should be contrinbuting towards household bills, as he is working. Your partner sounds much too easy going with his son, and probably believes his lies about you and what you have said to him. Personally I would have a heart to heart with your partner and explain that if SS19 continues to lie about you, he will have to find his own place to live, (or move in with his mother) or you will.
Thank you for responding - I
Thank you for responding - I do really appreciate the support. I would love for SS19 to move in with his mother but there is no room. He does work but no where near enough to support himself but he does contribute some housekeeping which mainly goes towars the food bill. When I got home from work yesterday he did approach me to apologise for 'not thinking' and said he will try to do better. This weekend my partner is away and I want to relax, so I'm going to do my very best to leave him to his own devices i.e. sort his own dinner out etc
I will take a step back, stop
Good.
Because the more you bend over backwards for these self centered people the less they appreciate it.
Don't even waste your resources. Put that money towards YOUR retirement/self-care/etc
my advice may not be helpful
my advice may not be helpful but for me I hate being accused of something I most certainly did not do/say and I would address his lying about you calling names and I would address it with just the three of you face to face.
you realize what a SM is
DH has " The Talk " with SS. BUT did he actually punished him ? Talk is cheap. Talking with out punishment is not having your back it's blowing smoke up your aaaaaa. SS is 19 he's an adult time for him to get a job and move out. BM is fine out of your sight.
Being a SP means you don't have control of your home. The blood family members stick together, and you are not blood. You must disengage. No cooking, no cleaning no your money going to support SS
Thanks Harry. I agree I
Thanks Harry. I agree I should do less and as for punishment that is not my place. I actually made the decision to live with my partner and his son - they come as a package and his son didn't have control over that, so I think disengaging is a bit harsh. My post is actually looking for better ways for me to cope and manage, not kick the lad out. At 19 it is near impossible to move out in the current UK climate.
Thank you
Thanks you so much for taking the time to share your experience with me, as I really appreciate it. I do need to be less wooly with boundary setting - I'm too soft and often feel quilty. He is currently working fulltime on a mimimum wage job and he contributes a set amount each month, but I spend more on him than I should e.g If I get a take-a-way I feel guilty if I don't buy him one too - but that's exactely what I need to stop doing, as I don;t think he's ever treated me to anything!