My DH, the backtracker
So stepgrandson had his first birthday party which we were invited to. Unfortunately they scheduled his party for early afternoon and time scheduled to end was 4pm, which would have meant DD9 wouldn’t be able to attend as she gets out of school at 3. I communicated this to SS24 who said “oh” but he didn’t change the time which was fine.
DH comes home from his over the road trucking thing and was able to make it. When he got home he seemed a bit sullen so I asked him about it and he says…..he just wants to spend more time with his kids, and that he wants his grandson to get to know him. He said he was talking it over with SS19 and he offered for them to come stay over. He said he told them they could have used our home to throw the party in (because i guess the park they had it in wasn’t good enough?)
I was at a loss for words because while I don’t mind them having visits, I don’t prefer for the visits to be at our home, and I certainly don’t want to start hosting sleepovers!
I took a few minutes but I decided I needed to be honest with him about how I felt. He then argued that I’ve allowed other friends of his and people we know to sleep over, but I offered at those times because we’d all been drinking and I didn’t want them to drive home. Further, both SSs left our home under not so ideal circumstances (both couldn’t listen to house rules) and since they’ve left they barely reach out to me for anything. Not even to check on me since DH has been gone trucking the past 3 months, to offer if I need any help with anything being that he’s gone. They don’t even reach out to DD9 (she has her own iPad).
I explained to DH that I just don’t want to open up a can of worms because Ss25 has always been able to give DH a story and DH always falls for it. I’ve helped DH raise them but that was it. I don’t necessarily want it to continue with step grandson and now gf is pregnant with step granddaughter . Ss25 lives an hour away and he doesn’t own a car. He’s going to smell the desperation in DH and my fear is that he’ll start to use him for free babysitting, maybe ask to borrow one of our cars, etc etc.
The gag is that DH hasn’t been pulling his weight for the past 3 years. I’ve been single-handedly funding our lifestyle. I work hard for what I have and the minimum requirement I hold is to be able to go home and have peace. I finally feel like I have it and he goes and pulls this. He gave some more reasons as to why they should be allowed to sleep over…one of which was that he doesn’t feel the same about when he goes to visit them at their place.
He wants to gain closeness with his children and I understand that, but it’s just like dating for me, I would rather take it slow. We can build to that point but I don’t want to automatically start with sleepovers. The time to have gained closeness with them was when they were living with us, and that didn’t really happen. I had to remind him that his boys were disrespectful to our home and he said he would handle any disrespect (yea, like he handled it all those other times). He even got defensive and said “it’s fine! I just won’t visit them!”, which he tends to do when things get heated. And of course that triggers me because I never said that, I just don’t want them to sleep over. I don’t think it’s necessary. I get that they would have to commute back home, but if they left at a reasonable time, they could make it home at a reasonable time. Why is DH backtracking? It makes him so unattractive to me, the fact that would even occur to him. Him and I have other bigger fish to fry, like working on our marriage. It’s been over 3 months that there’s been any intimacy between us, and he’s struggling with ED. I’m trying to be supportive, but honestly sometimes I wonder if I could do this forever. And if he put that energy into us, and created intimacy in other ways (like making time for just us), we could be better off. He’s my DH and my daughter’s father and I want to give her a stable home, where both parents are involved but I’m not feeling my husband these days. I thought having his kids leave would have made us closer but we’re more distant than ever. He seems so weak in almost every way which is ironic because physically he’s super fit. Steplife is not for the weak.
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Fantasy
I think he's having a fantasy of being good buddies with his sons and the cuddly grandfather to the boy. That's a common fantasy. But you already know how the relationship with the boys went. If they werent close in their growing up years, it's no wonder they aren't close now. And, all it would take is hours alone with the 1-year old grandson with the diapers, crying, etc to bring him to reality.
He's probably been watching too much tv with the actor grandfathers being so adorable. It will ramp up with the holiday commercials starting soon.
Agreed
He's definitely having fantasies about being close to his first 2 kids. SS24 always had issues with authenticity so he pretended to be okay a lot but wasn't. And SS19 likely has ODD or something similar, he can't seem to hack real life. And I don't blame them 100% because DH was never consistent with discipline. He wanted to be a "good dad" so bad or maybe he was just lazy but he didn't enforce rules regularly. Simple things like making sure they were doing their homework daily. He also didn't make it a point to do things with them on 1:1 basis regularly. So here we are, he's experiencing the results of all of his non parenting. I don't want my stepsons in our home and around our DD without it being scheduled. And I definitely am not ready for sleepovers already.
*not saying he is one ....
*not saying he is one ....
but Disneyland dads tend to think in extremes and lack problem solving skills
In their mind, Its either be fully immersed with their unruly spawns (all up in your peaceful home) OR they never see their kids again because you, rightfully, don't want their ill behaved kids destroying the peaceful home environment you worked hard to pay for.
Then if they can't figure out a way to see their kids outside the home they blame you for destroying their relationship
Disneyland parenting (plus the arguments that ensue after you call out how unhelpful their parenting style is) IS unattractive.
No one wants to have a life where someone else's kids dictates your household because their parent doesn't know how to have a healthy relationship.
There is nothing healthy about purposely misunderstanding your wife/destroying your marriage so your grown male sons (and their dependents) can sleep over
Well I’m saying he IS one
He definitely Disney parented a lot while his kids were coming up. He lectured them too and disciplined sometimes but discipline has to be done consistently and swiftly and the kids shouldn't have figured out they could manipulate him into forgetting they were supposed to be punished. Ss24 left our home after refusing to save because I couldn't live with him anymore. He would wait for DH to go to work overnight and bring his guy friends and gf over while I was asleep. He consistently left all his weed paraphernalia all around and he was a slob. When he left, I'm sure he told his gf that we kicked him out, which might have been technically true but I'm sure he didn't give her the real reason why. Gf seems to be a nice person but I question her decision making to start having kids without being established and staying in the projects. She doesn't seem to have a close support system so I wonder about that as well. It's been 2 years SS has been living with her and they still haven't been able to buy a car. Mind you, they're paying project rent which would at most be about 600 a month. They can be doing better but the fact that they don't lets me know they still prioritize weed over their kid and people like that shouldn't be in my personal space or my daughter's space without a limitation. DH says that's all the more reason he should be there for them, because they need guidance.
Ss19 left last year to jobcorp because I refused to stay with him after DH allowed him to drop out of high school 2 months short of graduation. Dh wanted to start trucking over the road and I told him he'd have to take his kid with him. A few months later he was kicked out of jobcorp for marijuana possession. SS19 thinks everything is everyone else's fault. He blames his failures on everyone but himself. It's been almost a year he went to go live with ss24 and now is when he said he finally got a part time job at a gym. Knowing him, he's going to struggle to keep it because he's always struggled with authority. Getting a job is one thing but going in day after day is not easy. I'm surprised SS19 lasted this long with ss24 because he tends to have an attitude and is very judgy about others but ss24 needed the free babysitter and I'm sure he pacifies him with some good ole weed.
I love them but from afar.
Your DH is Fooling Himself
His kids needed his "guidance" at much younger ages. They're pretty set in their behavior patterns now and the only one that can change that is THEM.
Stand stong on your position. If not, you'll end up with a lot more trouble to deal with. Your DHs kids' current circumstances are all because of their behaviors and laziness. If they get hungry enough, they'll get to work.
My World
DH sees his kids and grands away from our marital home for the past 6 years. Being publicly shunned from a step grand role was my "over the cliff" moment with DHs kids and their toxic treatment of me. (done at my DHs retirement party in front of 40+ people including my own precious children).
Recently, I've lessened the boundaries and two of DHs kids have been in our home. Back track a bit...DH's son asked to stay with us for a few days a year or so ago. I was adamently against it but it happened. And it was not fun for anyone (or so I thought). Fast forward to just last month. All of DHs kids came into our area. Same son wanted to stay with us again and this time, I said NO and HELL NO. We are taking things slow and considering he was the one who inflicted the last dagger, no way in hell was this man and his wife coming into my home again when I'm not ready for interaction. DH and I ended up in an emergency counseling session over this and our counselor agreed with me.
I did allow for his daughter to stay with us for 2 days and it went nicely. Cordial, civil and respectful; I invited her back. DHs youngest son also visits on occasion (lives 20 minutes from us but barely calls his dad let alone visit him). This is how we will handle the rest of DHs kids...maybe. I doubt that I allow two of his kids around me ever again; just too much emotional damage inflcited by those two. Time will tell. (Ages I deal with are 44, 42, 40, 34, 32).
And there again is the word...TIME. Changed behavior is a must when reconciling relationships (even to civil and superficial). Apologies would be nice but I don't need or want them...just changed behavior. Our counselor has clearly said....SHORT visits and possibly just for the day time. Your DH is not thinking of your mental health but rather his own needs. Stand strong. He can have a relationship with his kids and grands without involving you and your marital home. My DH does just fine.
I’m thinking
That he wants to bring them over because he'll just get to reenact his need to feel needed. So he'll maybe grill some food for them, try to give them guidance they don't want, and have me around to buffer. I wanted him to develop a relationship with his kids out of our home.
Also, whatever parties and gatherings have occurred are because of my efforts. DH has no family here that he's close to and he has 2 good friends. One time we had a huge argument and he said he would have thrown parties for his kids even I wasn't around, because he said he used to, but I highly doubt it. It's been 9 years with DD and he has never initiated a party for her. He will carry out my planning, but he won't plan it himself. So I'm thinking he wants that energy too, the me that hosts others and is thoughtful of them, he probably wants that for his kids. He said he wants them to feel welcome, but again, I don't think his adult sons need to be sleeping over unnecessarily.
I wanted him to develop a
what is it with men thinking our home is THE go-to spot for their unruly spawn reunions and parenting re-enactments???
Acting like the shared home is the only building in the country
as if there arent a gazillion other meetup spots ....
No idea
I don't get it either! Like there's so many other places including their place. But I know what it is. Having me around gives DH a buffer, plus he'd want the hostessing version of me.
"what is it with men thinking
"what is it with men thinking our home is THE go-to spot for their unruly spawn reunions and parenting re-enactments???"
Right on , Lily! And SMto3....I definitely feel your pain too!
I have asked myself that damn effing question time and time again! It just baffles me. Its even more annoying when the SD29 started to take liberties with popping in unannounced dragging her spawn too with extra favors in tow. Not to sound like a total ogre, but I am the kind of person who has found it already annoying and intrusive when people visit unexpectedly like that with no regard for your time. Everyone has cell phones ( know my SD does) these days so it not like no one could at least try to ask ahead.
I knew SD was gearing up for this to be allowed just about every weekend too without asking me. She totally volunteered me instead. How effing RUDE is that???
Hell NO...not on my watch. First of all, her children had no desire to be there and wanted to go shortly after, so they were dragged there unwillingly, all bored , bratty and miserable. So none of this was Enjoyable for them either and even DH seemed like he was feeling a little discomfort after so many hours of this. So it was more for SD's benefit no matter how much she tries to play that dangling the Grandkid card to use as leverage.
Out of fairness for the SGSKIDS, they aren't babies anymore but on the cusp on those tween/ soon to be Teen stage. I know there were other things that they would rather have been doing too. Hopefully they have started to develop other interests , activities and friends on their own and start to become more independent. Unless they end up taking after SD and BM! (the horror!!!!)
So, the visits are just awkward and uncomfortable for the most party anyhow, so what is the point? I cant even feel that guilty about putting the kabosh on that. It makes me actually feel glad that ( once again for the umpteenth time) SD doesnt have a car, so getting around so and dropping in is more difficult.
Who seriously thinks I have the bandwith to entertain that BS on MY weekends especially without at least being considerate enough to consult Me? Second of all, DH and I work full time, so our free time is pretty limited and sacred to me, We arent home all the time anyhow , and ( God Forbid) we have outside interests. Hell, Its hard enough to find the time to pursue things that i actually WANT to do, let alone be bogged down with that nonsense. like i shouldnt have anything else to do.
DH is free to play grandpa and bond with that brood whenever he wants at THEIR OWN PLACe, which SD has. If they are too inept to figure out how maintain their relationship without trying to use me and our home as a Buffer Zone, and a resource, then that is their problem. Its not like they dont know there are tons of other options that doesnt involve imposing on me, since I resigned from being the "cruise director" on that sinking ship awhile ago. in case no one has noticed .
First of all
DH should be pulling his weight Financially for your family. You say you live in NYC minimum wage is $15. Most gib are at $18 a hour. SS should be making $700 or more a week. His money is going to drugs. I would not support a drug addict, DH has a DD 9 TO worry about, not letting SS influence her in a bad way.
'When , If SS visits, DH Has to pick him up and take him home? Maybe that tge reason for the sleep over fantasy.
'This is yours and DD home, you don't have people you don't want to sleep over. SS,,,GF... baby's. Maybe DH can save up and you all can go camping next summer. Or rent a cabin .
DH should be pulling his
exactly.
The fact he has the audacity to expect you to provide for him AND he's willing to use his parenting woes to disturb your peace .... is totally disrespectful
Agreed
I can't fathom what would make him think this was okay. A visit, maybe yes but not a sleepover.
"he doesn’t feel the same
"he doesn’t feel the same about when he goes to visit them at their place"
Oh the poor dear, he'll get used to it. Look, if he wants to bond with his grandchildren, the best place to do so is in their natural habitat. It's much more reassuring for them and, let's face it, a baby's comfort should be more important than an adult's. Not only that but their house will be equipped for a baby whereas yours most certainly is not.Tell him to stop being emotional and start being rational.
I didn’t get to elaborate on this
But I've heard bits and pieces here and there about how much of a slob gf is. Apparently she hates doing laundry, and will prefer to buy new clothes when she gets paid. The last time DH went to their house, he said the floor was unfit for the baby to be on. He blamed it on gf's father but I reminded him that SS24 was a slob when he lived with us, up until the very end.
So again, not my fault their place is filthy and he doesn't want to visit them there.
If the GF is a slob....
If the GF is a slob, she doesnt want visitors, especially an inlaw. You're right, your DH wants someplace clean and nice and somebody who buffers, hostesses and is nice. Know anyplace or anybody like this? Lol.
Oh but of course
I know someone exactly like that! Except she only likes hostessing events to cater to people who respect and love her.
I hope your husband is
I hope your husband is getting some medical help with his ED? It can really screw with a man's well-being (and of course yours as well when intimacy takes a nose dive).
With kids and a busy life and some minor ED issues my husband and my sex life is not at all what it used to be and we've had some long gaps this year too. My husband got an ED drug and had his testosterone levels checked (they were borderline low). But what really helped was just being open and honest and talking about the problem and then we scheduled sexy and fun nights, that did not necessarily, but had the opportunity to, end in sex. It felt a bit weird and involved some effort but it did help to restart things a bit and get past the slump. We've dropped it in recent months as life got busy again but we probably should restart it to some extent as things are slipping back again.
As for your ss's I would just keep reminding your husband of your boundary and maybe suggest a small first step towards "reconciliation" that you are comfortable with. Also keep reminding him that he has lots of options for seeing them that doesn't involve you and your home.
I think once you and your husband start to feel the intimacy return to your relationship he'll ease up a bit on trying to invite his sons to your home.
He did
He has low testosterone but he can still function if we put some effort into it. The problem is his drive is low and he won't initiate intimacy. He's become very bland in that respect.
As long as he has low T he
As long as he has low T he will have a low drive. Is he treated for it?
He was
He was getting Testosterone shots, max dose with barely any results. I do think he may be depressed also
Shots tend to have short term
Shots tend to have short term effects. I didn't think they were even used any more. Have him ask his doc about testosterone gel, it's slow-releasing. Another thought, generally speaking, a family doctor isn't the best starting point.
Not joking, a job will likely
Not joking, a job will likely make him feel more manly. If you are supporting him, no wonder he lacks spark and drive. If the T shots didn't help, T level isn't his problem.
A bit of man-spective on ED.
Stress and depression are both huge boner killers. H.U.G.E!
I would forecast that his failures ot deal with his failed family progeny and failure to earn are having a major impact on his ability to physically perform. Partnicularly considering that he is extremely fit, etc...
A decrease in connection is also a huge detractor from erectile performance. Even as a young man I made the connection that being actively in love with a partner made intimacy off the charts hotter and more fulfilling. Just getting layed was of course fun, but when intimacy is in a strong relationship it is oh so much better.
Yes, I am a man and while I have the usual man frequency of thoughts about sex, I am also prime time infatuated with my bride. Certainly we are cyclical as are just about any couple, but she reciprocates my infatuation, and we are nearly constantly intimate when we are together. Note: Intimately affectionate, flirty, etc... not necessarily dropping undergarments and getting it on constantly. We are even flirty when we are not together. Texts, Emails, etc.... On road trips I use voice text to flirt with her just about constantly. I get blushing STOP!!!! responses all of the time when she is at work.
My point is..... quality of connection between partners, stress, depression, etc... can all have a major impact on ED issues as can drinking, weed, some Rx meds, etc... The biggest impact has already been discussed in this thread. Effort. Just putting in the effort to connect, have tender connection time, backrubs, foot rubs, brushing her hair, hand massages, flirty food/water fights in the kitchen. Just don't tickle me. That is pure torture. I have to keep an eye out for mischievious eye sparkles after she has sharpened her claws because invariably I will get ambushed with tickle attacks which no amound of little blue pills will recover from until I can run away and hide until she retracts the claws.
Really, tickling is torture for me. Our kid too. We learned not to tickle him when he was little because he thrashes around so violently bloody noses and black eyes were a distinct possibility.
But, I digress.
Connection, low stress, making the effort to be happy together... all are major boner growing investments.
IMHO of course.
The fact that
He's already gone over the road trucking, and then I guess is in his head about the bills or maybe he's disappointed I. Himself, that he's not where he wants to be and it's not going the way he thought it would in his second career. I'm sure those things factor into what has become of our intimacy, but for me, just the effort matters to me. But it seems like he just gets so caught up in the friendship portion of our marriage that he can easily get lost in talking politics or about his day at work, forgetting to be romantic and intimate. For me, it's exactly what you said. It doesn't have to be the physical, but at least give me the words! I don't feel validated or that he sees me as a woman, with the need to be at least noticed by my husband. I've begun to see a therapist to see what else I can do to save our marriage. Let's see what becomes of that.
Hence my hesitation for him inviting his grown kids to sleep over. The contract he will be accepting soon will have him back home, no longer on the road, coming home nightly but he'll be working 6 days a week. While I feel I want to reconnect and my priority is on our marriage, he's already thinking of inviting his kids to sleep over on the one day we can have alone time to reconnect.
Have you told him exactly
Have you told him exactly what you've just written here? How you miss what you (plural) used to have. How you want to reconnect and rebuild your couple. How much you will be looking forward to date nights ...
Apart from that, he needs to let go of his fantasy that his kids are still teens and need him there for them. These are adults and have no reason to have sleepovers. Good grief, his son is a father himself!
He can visit his son during the day but you expect to be put first and that the evenings are YOURS. I'd also put my foot down about not playing hostess - you're entitled to your free time too. There's no reason for you to cater to grown adults.
Good luck.
Just no. Be firm, tell him
Just no. Be firm, tell him that day 7 is yours and yours alone. His career choice does not mean that he can shun you for everything else.
I cannot understand a man who would ignore his bride. While intimacy has a number of forms, it takes investment. No investment, no intimacy.
Pretty simple.
Intimacy takes effort. Love is action, not feeling. Take the action, the feelings grow. A lesson that I had to learn early in our marriage.
The effort is not the grand gesture, it is the countless little things that tell her that she matters, I see her, I hear her, and I want her. Those little things are completely selfish in nature. Not consciously selfish, but selfish none the less. Because of those little things, she wants me. Whether that is a hug, a flirty glance, a swat the rump, a passionate interlude, or hust holding her hand while we are driving, it takes action.
I hope that your DH can find clarity.
Take care of you.
Sorry off topic (might delete
Sorry off topic (might delete this)
But the Disneyland dad I used to deal with had low t
He took meds for it. The gel
The cause - turned out he had a tumor that was pressing on the organ that produced the t
Unfortunately for me though (I have low drive myself which decreased significantly when his kids came into our home weekly and he argued with me every single time about the lack of structure/boundaries he refused to provide) he claims his drive was never impacted.....of course it wasn't because *I* was carrying 90% of the domestic labor and emotional load
This
Is interesting Lilly! I'll encourage him to follow up. I should have disclosed also that he began to order injectable testererone behind my back a few years ago, and I found his paraohernalia and we had a huge blow up over it. He said he was using it for back pain, but was ordering it from the internet without having consulted a medical professional.
I do suspect that he was afraid of aging and may have used for the aesthetic but he denies this.
Once he stopped using it, it looks like it completely killed his drive and when we went last year to check him out, his testosterone was low. I'm not sure if him illegally using it to start with screwed his system up.
That's why testosterone
That's why testosterone treatment tends to be temporary and relatively short (seldom more than 6 months) - taking it reduces your own body's production of it. It's a kick-start for your body, not a longterm treatment.
If closeness wasn't achieved
If closeness wasn't achieved when you all were physically closer, it ain't gonna happen now. And it takes two. You tried. You're ignored now. That says it all. Not to mention that SS chose to have a party during the school week? They knew your DD wouldn't be able to attend. And then you told them. In my view, that is the typical wickedness of bitter, angry, vengeful, passive aggressive skids, and your DH should be concerned about that.
I despise the grandbaby hostage situations. My SD's communication with DH ramped up incredibly when the grands arrived, holding them out via photos and videos like carrots. Not for babysitting in our case (they don't live nearby) but I know for money (DH and I have separate accounts and DH these days does more than his fair share in our household, so I say very little about it).
With all of this being said, it's hard to break through a parent's delusions about their kids. Like a few others here, my DH sees his kids and grands away from our home; they do not come here. Any other arrangements would be a dealbreaker for me. You don't like me? You're not stepping through my door.
I do understand your rethinking your ability to deal with this.
The thing with DHs kids
Is that they still pretend to love me. I think SS19 might have some strong affection for me, maybe, but SS24 definitely does not call/text reach out to me unless he needs something. DH says they text him all the time, so not sure if he's lying or what. But according to him, they asked after me and he told them I was at work, and he said they said they missed me. I doubt it, neither one of them text me.
He even got defensive and
He even got defensive and said “it’s fine! I just won’t visit them!”
He says crap like that because he wants YOU to backtrack and give in. He's just trying to make you feel bad about a situation that you did not create (but now, you're supposed to help fix it).
I would just respond, "Well, that would be your choice because you certainly can go visit them."
Yikes, SMto3!
He even got defensive and said “it’s fine! I just won’t visit them!”
Did he then toss his bottle out of the pram and hold his breath? Pretty childish. Why is he not working? Call me old fashioned but I'd find it a huge turn-off, supporting a man.
Thank you for your feedback
Grannyd. I always chuckle when you respond, and this is how I felt! Like he was throwing a tantrum because I wasn't enthused to host his kids sleeping over after we all failed to live together respectfully.
“I think SS19 might have some strong affection for me”
Maybe his strong affection is $ based. Free meal, free money, gifts. I would like you too
Honey... I am perfectly ok
Honey... I am perfectly ok with you going to visit your sons and sleeping over at their house... My boundary is THIS house.. you are more than welcome to go stay at theirs.
Exactly!
This was exactly what I told him. He said he doesn't think it's fair that I have the freedom of inviting people to sleep over and he doesn't have the freedom of inviting his sons to sleep over. His sons only live an hour drive away. And actually when SS24 goes to work, he's only a 20 minute drive from us so if DH really wanted to spend time with them he could but he's insistent on wanting them to come over and feel comfortable with coming over.
KISS. It is about respect DH.
People who are not respectful of you,him and your home are not overnight guests. Regardless of who they may be.
Pretty simple.
Stay on message with him. Lather.... rinse..... repeat.
I am sorry but that is
I am sorry but that is ridiculous. If his kids live that close, then spending time with them without constant sleep overs and putting anyone out, , shoudnt be a problem. The SD and SGRANDS on my end live well under an hour from us too, not thousands of miles out of state, so I dont see how its necessary to expect so many long term visits centered around your home. It boggles my mind.