Warning: parents who are enablers - The consequences are playing out in real time over here
I came across this article I thought would be interesting to many of you who are dealing with enabling parents. I linked it at the bottom but here are the highlights (with how it is playing out page by page in my life).
What is an enabling parent?
Enabling adult children refers to a parenting dynamic where parents unintentionally or knowingly support their grown-up offspring in ways that hinder personal growth and responsibility. This behavior often stems from a desire to shield children from life's challenges, but it can inadvertently impede their development into independent, self-sufficient individuals.
The Skunk Ape (BM) has been enabling Little Idiot (my SD24.5). LI is deeply in debt due to her own poor decision making and spending. I also strongly believe she is suffering from a mental disorder of some sort (be it depression, anxiety, or perhaps even bipolar disorder). For the past year, The Skunk Ape has been protecting her, bailing her out financially (though that seems to have stopped), and basically absolving her daughter from any responsibility. A protective bubble of "you are amazing and wonderful!"
Examples of enabling parents:
financial bailouts, constant rescuing from consequences, and overprotective decision-making
Five consequences of enabling your kids:
1. Stunted Personal Growth. Enabling adult children may impede their personal growth and development. When parents consistently bail out their children from challenges, whether financial or emotional, it prevents them from learning essential life skills. Adult children need to face and overcome obstacles to develop resilience and self-reliance.
LI is not learning money management skills. She is not learning the skills needed to overcome a tough situation. She is not reviewing the the mental health assistance she needs.
2. Financial Dependence. Financial enabling is a common issue where parents continuously provide financial support to their adult children. I have seen many adult children attempting to live a lifestyle way beyond their financial means. This includes situations with adult children who are likely capable of standing on their own. This dependence can create a cycle of financial irresponsibility and hinder the development of budgeting and money management skills.
LI has definitely spent herself into a hole, living above her means. She is not learning how to live within her budget.
3. Lack of Responsibility. Enabling can foster a sense of entitlement and a lack of accountability. Adult children may come to expect that problems will be solved for them, leading to a lack of motivation to take responsibility for their actions or decisions.
LI is currently not working, nor is she in school. For whatever reason there is zero motivation to get her life on track.
4. Strained Parental Relationships. Over time, enabling behavior can strain the relationship between parents and adult children. Resentment may build on both sides—parents may feel unappreciated, while adult children may feel stifled or controlled. This strain can lead to emotional distance and strained family dynamics.
I can see this happening in the future. BM will expect to be paid back in some way for all her support. LI will be resentful of her mother who expects to be taken care of in her old age.
5. Social Implications. Enabling adult children may also impact their social lives. If parents consistently step in to resolve conflicts or shield them from the consequences of their actions, adult children may struggle to navigate social relationships independently.
I foresee in the future where BM intervenes on behalf of LI with DH. Protecting her beloved daughter from DH's disapproval, should he find out how much of a mess she's in.
Overall I feel my situation is a cautionary tale of what happens when a parents enables their children's poor behavior. As adults, their personal growth is stunted. A little tough love and a healthy dose of reality can go a long way to building resilience and giving your children the kick In the pants they need to get their life back on track.
https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/liking-the-child-you-love/202402...
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Comments
This is right on
This is right on @AlmostGone834.
1. Stunted Personal Growth.
Big large adult decisions - made expecting that when decisions are made we will pay for these decisions. Having a wedding? Keep pushing for more $ and buy extravagent & unncessary things with that money then beg for more money to pay for the necessities. Having a baby? Why not sell your house that you have spent your life paying the mortgage on and give it to us so we can have a starter home - you (parents) can rent for awhile or just find a new way to afford another home. Needless to say at this adult life stage luckily my DH did not CAVE into these demands or entertain them - I will note they didn't outright ASK for the house sale money but indirectly pushed for it, even my parents saw the behavior. They haven't realized that they should just EARN the money and do this themselves.
2. Financial Dependence.
SKIDs tried and they still have money grabs once and awhile for things that they should at this late stage of young adulthood be able to afford for themselves. It's workign with one SKID a little and almost not at all for the other one.
3. Lack of Responsibility. Enabling can foster a sense of entitlement and a lack of accountability. Adult children may come to expect that problems will be solved for them, leading to a lack of motivation to take responsibility for their actions or decisions.
MEGA entitlement- when they were kids they wanted for nothing, they got everything quite literally. There is a sense of entitlement and a feeling of superiority - they feel entitled to things that they play no role in achieveing.
4. Strained Parental Relationships. Over time, enabling behavior can strain the relationship between parents and adult children. Resentment may build on both sides—parents may feel unappreciated, while adult children may feel stifled or controlled. This strain can lead to emotional distance and strained family dynamics.
SKIDs were never controlled but I can tell you that one of our SKIDs has a strained relationship because of his entitled behavior and always taking NEVER giving. Unappreciative even when we had done incredibly nice things in the past and now that this SKID is an adult with a child we've pulled back and he is extremely resentful and angry about it.
5. Social Implications. Enabling adult children may also impact their social lives. If parents consistently step in to resolve conflicts or shield them from the consequences of their actions, adult children may struggle to navigate social relationships independently.
The one adult SKID has NO friends- quite literally cannot make friends. The other one is actually thriving in that area. The SKIDs are at an age where friendships are easily made and lots of opportunities but the one SKID is unable to navigate social relationships independently.
Good Lord... thinking you
Good Lord... thinking you would sell your house and give it to them???? How freaking entitled. That is a new low even for this site. What is it with kids these days? Basically all too happy to steal from their parents. Disgusting.
They need to figure out how to stand on their own two feet, make sacrifices and live within their means.
Yep. It's a all time low. The
Yep. It's a all time low. The SKID and his bride don't even see the issue. They literally look at me as an obstacle to getting what they feel rightfully is theirs even though they took no part in earning it. I bet these aren't the only SKIDs that feel if they create a child that the stepparent and parent should "gift" them assets for doing this.
Common thinking nowadays
Mayor of South Portland Maine told seniors to consider a reverse mortgage in order to pay sky high taxes instead of reducing spending and tightening the belt.
This post puts a silver lining in the perma-PASout.
What!!!?? Yeah...that's wild.
What!!!?? Yeah...that's wild. How about local government who is suppose to represent the citizens find ways to be more efficient rather than pass the buck!
Good stuff. Though I do significantly disagree on one element.
.......adult children may feel stifled or controlled.
I strongly doubt a kidult who is leeching off of mommy or daddy financially even recognizes being stifled or controlled. What they see is, are they getting the money they want, or not. Period. Dot. They very likely are not getting their expecations met. They don't give a shit about what mommy or daddy want from them performance wise, they just want the money.
I am an "if they want my money, it comes with specific demands, can only be used in specific ways, and how it is used is not discretionary for the kidult". In other words, they do what they are told how they are told or ...they don't get the support.
KISS
I do not throw my money down a crapper of the kidults making after the kid has fed their own resources down that crapper. They get my support but only if they follow my directives. Their failures are not allowed to consume my resources.
I think that's the point of
I think that's the point of the article. Enabling kids means that restrictions you put on the support might make them feel stifled or controlled. Ergo it's best if they make their own money and thus can choose how they want to spend it.
The Skunk Ape has $0 saved for retirement and you can't work forever... she's laying the groundwork to move in with one of her kids (most likely LI at this point). That's why she's pouring on the "I love you!!" She's going to be sadly disappointed to find her daughter is as selfish as she is. When there's no more use for mommy, there won't be any room for her either.
People reap what the sow.
People reap what the sow. SkunkApe will live that when LI scrapes the SkunkApe off of her shoe when she has no more use for the odiferous simian. The only shot is for LI to hook a well off spouse who will tolerate the stench of the SkunkApe living in his aackyard ADU.
As for that stench, a meld of the odor of a skunk and the odor of a sweaty jungle ape would gag a maggot or knock a buzzard off of the gut wagon. No doubt LI's refined designer perfume nose won't tolerate it for lone when she doesn't need the SkunkApe to float her.
Thats the dichotomy
They actually DO feel stifled and controlled in their own minds because spoiling someone enables them to never be happy. They're always miserable and looking to blame others for their failures.
Information like this makes
Information like this makes me feel proud of DH, for as much as he has tolerated from the skids in the past, and as periodically as he lights up that hopium pipe, he has held pretty steady when it comes to not being an enabler--at least not for the past several years. In fact, his grown kids baffle him. They are not the adults he expected them to be, and he does not run to their rescue.
On the other hand, BM has been a major enabler, and she did so not only to gain the enmeshment she craved, but also to have all the control and ultimately be "the winner." The skids are beyond loyal to her special brand of crazy. They worship her, at least publicly. They are also messed up adults who were raised being constantly told how special and superior they were to all others and being catered to. Unfortunately, when they were young, DH was like a money-puppet for them, which I'm sure didn't help.
Both skids' personal growth was/is severely stunted. SD has no identity. Her brother can't maintain relationships, romantic or otherwise, longer than 3-6 months, and he's now officially approaching his 40s. SD keeps popping out kids, is overworked, and is reportedly exhausted, ever-suffering (and I imagine experiences growing resentment about her situation, which mommy guided and pushed), and depends heavily on her mother for support of all kinds, while SS hardly works and owns only computers, a phone, and a drone. . . spending nearly half of every year literally mooching off of mom (living with her, borrowing her car, etc).
No one is perfect, but it's sad that I could predict the future of these two so long ago when there was time for intervention (or maybe not).
It is uncanny how the article
It is uncanny how the article accurately lays out a Formula that leaves you with the kind of StepSkidMarks most of us have been "blessed with" when you mix all these elements together.
SD29 is certainly no exception, since ( as predicted, sadly) she indeed also grew up to be this emotionally irrational, overly needy, clingly STUNTED, perpetually unhappy "skidult" who has a miserable life of her own design . That is because she cannot just get out of her own damn way and take any ownership over her own conscious ( and stupid) decisions.
I hate to be so blunt, but looking back, the writing was already on the wall when she was 13 or so when I came along. I actually can;t find it all that shocking that she's a lost cause to me. It came to my attention that she had pretty serious behavioral issues during childhood. Sure enough, its been claimed that BPD was one factor and thats all I am aware of.
Then you throw in a low life,mostly absent BM who also has major BPD in the throes of major drug addiction, selling and lord knows what else. DH who was overwhelmed and definitely a guilty dad syndome at times as he ( and I too) tried to compensate and help SD rise about it. Thats because I think everyone ( like with BM) enabled and coddled SD for so long out of sympathy for her situation. However that didnt do her (or me) any favors,since now SD is still using all her problems as a crutch and clinging onto this whole playing the victim or the martyr or hero in her story as a way to avoid true accountability for much of anything.
Should be no wonder why she has grown to rely on playing upon other's empathy and guilt trips to scrape by through life and get what she wants.
So Those efforts to help her turn it around ( which is on her now at her age!) have been in vain from my point of view since SD only grew up to be a clone of the BM repeating the same patterns anyhow.
Fast forward, SD chose to live with BM full time instead as a 15 year old where there was no structure, decided to drop of out HS, purposely got preggo to pop out two kids she knew she didnt have to means to support ( with shady Baby Daddy with a criminal record that she knew of.) Also like BM, she has never held a job ( at least for long), hasnt work a day for years now .and no prospects. She doesnt bother because she can onlly get a min wage job at best since she is without completing a GED. .Yet there is Still little to No effort to earn said GED she knows she needs, since she claims she has no confidence and its too hard for her to prepare for because she can always use her "genetics" or any past adversity as excuses and a means to explain everything away . Yet, like BM too, she suddenly has the "Confidence" and motivation to operate outside the law for money instead. But never takes accountability for that either since she thinks these actions are justified because of her perpetual victimhood mentality. It is just something that goes in circles since nothing changes, ending up nowhere and thats exactly where she is.
Her poor kids lost both sides
Her poor kids lost both sides of the parent lottery didn't they
. It is sad when a kid is cursed to wallow in a shallow and polluted gene pool. Is there anyone in the picture who might counter the toxicity these kids are cursed with as their parents?
It is a huge investment to counter these types of breeding morons in a kid's life. My SS won the mom lottery but crashed and burned in the BioDad lottery.
SS's three younger SpermIdiot spawned half sibs lost both sides of the parent lottery and did not have any chance of countering that since they were all three raised by the SpermGrandHag who had spawned and raised their idiot father.
DW make her lifes goal raising SS in a good home, with opportunity, and a future. SS's three younger half sibs include spawn #2 who is on the dole, #3 who is in prison, and #4 who is not far behind the inmate.
Even with his childhood of privilege SS has some durable issues he struggles with that I attest to them. No kid exposed to their lies, manipulations, and PAS could escape entirely issue free even when they have an incredible mom and were raised in a committed marriage between successful professionals.
I get angry just thinking about what those shit people have done. I have no doubt they will rot in hell though no doubt they believe they are good people destined for heaven. The only thing good about that entire clan is my kid. He blessedly won the mom lottery.