Ss24 asks to move back in
So last time I wrote, I mentioned that DH seemed to be backtracking and was asking to have to his kids over to sleep over. Mind you ss24 has a gf, a 1 year old and one on the way. His gf has an apartment via way of her dad, and they live about an hour drive away.
Well…I probably shouldn’t have done this but I snooped and saw that SS asked DH to move back in. More specifically he stated “me and gf were talking and want to move back in the house to create that close family dynamic”.
I was furious that he would even ask, and that DH hasn’t told me. It just makes me see SS as this continued manipulative and sneaky person, who will try to forgo me and ask his dad if he can move in with us, with his gf and 2 kids. Because we lived soooo well together.
I have half a mind to text him directly and say something like “hey SS, it came to my attention that you want to live with us again and I just wanted to tell you that I don’t appreciate you asking your dad in a way that feels like it’s behind my back, which is how it’s always felt for me living with you guys. I cannot accept you moving back in with us. Not because I don’t care about you but because with just myself, Dd and your dad we have a certain dynamic where we all understand and respect each other. To be honest, I never felt that we blended well together, in fact, the whole reason you left our home was because you couldn’t hack paying us 300 monthly, and you kept inviting your friends to our home to smoke and drink while your dad was gone at work and I was sleeping with DD. We just have different values and on a deeper level, I don’t see how you living with us will benefit your dad, myself or DD. You have your own family now, and now is the time for you to man up and be a provider for your girl and kids like your dad did for you guys all these years. I feel like I’m at a place where I finally have peace. Coming back to live with us, with your girl and 2 kids is not the way I think any of us are going to have a healthy blended family. I understand you must be stressed now, but all of these things that are happening are things I told you would happen. I am not preventing you from having a close family tie with your dad, or Dd, or me….but I can tell you that it’s not going to happen by you moving back in with us with your girlfriend and kids. You can work on that in other ways”.
I feel like I can’t sleep now, and am so annoyed. What will help me rest easy is that the house is mine, and I can take care of myself financially so there’s no way he’d be moving back in. But it’s the sheer audacity he has to text his father this, in a way that feels like he wants what he wants, without stopping to think about what that does to the marriage his dad has with me. He doesn’t gaf about that, all he cares about is what he can get, and that’s how he’s always been.
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NO! To SS and his baggage moving in, and to TMI in your vent.
Get it out here, do not tell this failing kidult breeder anything more than NO!
If DH pushes, tell HIM and HIM alone exactly what you vented here making sure that DH has clarity that HE will be the one to inform his failed family progeny that there is not a place for him and his in the family home. Also, DH will not blame this on you. He has to nut up and not throw you under the bus on this.
A truly successful and close multi-generational household is an incredible rarity that requires a long history of a mutually respectful foundation and an absolute commitment to true respect and cooperation.
This kid does not even comprehend what any of that means much less what it is.
Just NO!
Be confident in standing your ground.
Take care of you, take care of DD, take care of your family, keep SS on the hook for caring for his.
On point as usual, Rags
Especially that bit about successful multigenerational households requiring absolute commitment to respect and cooperation. I will not allow SS to come back and live with us with his family and at this point, DH better stop with asking about the sleepovers too.
I have witnessed successful
I have witnessed successful multi-generational families and there are several common requisites.
Yeah, i would think that in
Yeah, i would think that in such situations, the younger members add at least as much value to the household as the older, probably more. I've seen it around where i live and it's more like the kids are taking care of the parents. This "kid" wants to mooch.
We have discussed just this
We have discussed just this with my parents. They have a huge home, they are late retirement aged (early 80s), I am early retirement age (60) DW is not ready though she could retire if she chose (49). For now we have our own home, but the topic of a multi-generational home comes up fairly regularly. Mom and dad want it and make it known.
It may be that when he retires from the USAF in 6.5 years SS may join that model as well. We all get along well. Though I'm not sure about potentially 3 intimate relationship couples in one home is a tenable situation. SS is single but that may not always be the case.
We have lived with my parents a few times over the years as they have with us several times over the years. As we all did the Expat thing. Whoever was living in the US was home base and the Expat legs of the family lived with the US leg between assignments and during transitions.
We have discussed a multi family property where each couple has their own home and there is a central shared area with a pool, large shop, and activity bldg. My SIL would never participate in that so mom and dad's preferred idea never has happened and won't.
I'm guessing that DW and I will move to mom and dad's within the next 4-5 years.
I agree with Rags about
I agree with Rags about telling your SS a simple "NO!" and it he tries to wheedle an argument out of you ("But why not?"), the only answer possible is "because I said so!"
If your husband tries to broach the subject be as blunt as you please but keep what you wrote on hand so you can stick to your words without letting him sidetrack you. I think, if he so much as mentions his son moving in or even having a sleepover (which is just SS's way of getting a foot in the door - now you KNOW you cannot allow it), I might be tempted to tell him that he can pack his bags and go live with his little boy if he wants that "close family dynamic" so much.
Stick to your guns.
I’m exactly there
I don't want to hear about the sleepovers any more, and yes if he feels he has to spend the night with them....then I don't know that DH was ever really ready to move on and remarry.
...since when do 24 year old
...since when do 24 year old adult males dream of having a sleepover with their dad, stepmom and half-sister? Hard line / boundary- NO.
I agree in that it sounds
I agree in that it sounds kind of weird and dare I say..just Creepy. I occasionally stay overnight with parents or with family members when I visit them out of town ( IF they offer and its ok with them while giving as much advanced notice as possible) . I still believe in this thing called being Polite by "Asking Someone First instead of assuming ". I think these Stepkids missed that memo. Manners are not their biggest strengh) I certainly never have reffered to this visits as "Sleepovers" like Im still in junior high. We all know damn well that "Sleepover" is code word for "Lets Con DH & SM into living someplace for free on their dime"
I would confront your DH
I would confront your DH about this... I would want to clearly hear from him what he said to his son. I would also make him directly address it with his son.. that you, as a couple, are not going to allow them to move back in.
Right
The last time I posted was when DH got home after the birthday party, and he said he just wanted to start having his kids sleep over sometimes and I told him I didn't think it was necessary. He did slip up and mention that he told them that when he gets home, he wants them to stay over from time to time. I told him he should have cleared that with me first because I'm not okay with sleepovers. Visits are fine, not sleepovers. 2 days later is when SS24 texts him asking to move back in. Which is exactly the reason I didn't want DH to offer random sleepovers. I knew SS would run with it.
"that close family dynamic”.
"that close family dynamic”.
Lol. I think he means that free rent and babysitting dynamic. Nope nope nope.
No. Nope. No way.
To me, it sounds as if the GF's dad is going to be stopping his support, and SS is looking to his dad to take up the reins. That close family dynamic he's talking about is free rent, babysitting, and prepared meals.
No. No. No.
SS is an adult, a dad with two kids. It's time for him to figure out life. Unless their home was destroyed in a catrostrophic weather event, there is no logical reason for them to move in with you.
Could be
Gf's father is in public housing and he comes and goes. Public housing is the least rent they will pay, and what I'm thinking is that SS can't hack paying that little bit of rent...and he's also worried about new baby coming, and having to deal with 2 under 2. My guess is that he knows his dad, and has always known how to pull on his heartstrings. Now all of a sudden, he wants that "close family dynamic", but I'm not sure who he wants it with, because since he moved out, he rarely reaches out to me or DD (who sees stars for all of her brothers). He just wants to use as per his usual. I hate how they can go from being manipulated as dads, to then it continuing via way of the grands. Dh was all like "but I want my grandkids to know who I am!!" And I'm like, "then spend time with them on a regular basis, outside of our home!"
public housing
Public housing. Public housing here has rules about occupants. Could there have been some sort of lease violation that has come to the attention of the leasing authority?
I'm thinking is that SS can't
That's his problem to solve. You didn't lay down and have those kids so you're not obligated to the responsibility.
Dh was all like "but I want
these men stay wanting to use our peaceful private quiet clean sanctuary to host their d0mestic t3rrorists
Since when is our home the ultimate hangout and unlimited bad n breakfast spot?!?!? As if there aren't hundreds of other local places they can meetup and hang out
Worse is when these skids have the audacity to try to invite themselves and their spawns so now they try to turn your retirement castle into a multigenerational home with you as built in free maid/nanny/chauffer/child support subsidizer
What benefit is in it for you? ..... probably little to none (yeah you can see those grandkids on a regular but most likely you'll be taking care of them as if you birthed them)
If he starts on this again,
If he starts on this again, he needs to be told that his grands will appreciate him so much more if he actually DOES stuff with them, taking them swimming, to the library, to run in the park, to the zoo, etc.
Exactly
Exactly
These men LOVE warehousing these skids and grandskids....
At your expense, in your clean peaceful home with zero thought to the dynamics and logistics
Like a clean orderly peaceful home is the ultimate solution for every single skid problem.
They offer the solution = your home
You do all the cooking, cleaning, hosting, organizing, planning, preparing
Then they take the credit when they did not one iota of work
I hate to say it but that's
I hate to say it but that's so true. Don't be used!
What’s in it for me?
I encouraged DH to ask his son, to help his son see that we already know what it is he wants. I asked DH to ask SS how exactly living with us will benefit me or DD. Because SS is saying he wants that close "family" dynamic so I take it me and DD are part of that right? Unless we aren't and what he really means is he wants to be close to DH. DH gets overwhelmed with my rants so he couldn't even respond. I told him SS24 living with is will not benefit me in any way at all, nor DD. I don't want people who don't have their shit together living with us.
All he wants to be close to
All he wants to be close to is a free place to stay.
Are you at a real point where
Are you at a real point where saying "no" is your only option and moving out yourself might seem like the right plan of action?
"I said no. If you still allow him to move in and mooch off you, I and our daughter are moving out. I will not change my mind."
Yes
Except the house is under my name (because coincidentally he didn't qualify to be on the mortgage due to his ex wife defaulting on their first marital home). So he would have to be doing the moving out. His first 2 grown kids are not welcome to sleep over. They can visit for a limited time, then after 7, they don't have to go home, but they have to get out.
No Need To Confront SS
But your DH??? Yeah...I don't think I'd let that "found" information go without a response.
First, we have a rule in my old group of SMs....wait 24 hours before replying to anything and when so, use as little words as possible. Everything you wrote to SS is known....your SS knows, your DH knows. Anything said to the SS should be a simple, "No, that's not going to work." But again....I would probably not even say that. The communication would happen with your DH. And that's kept simple to. "We've discussed this already, I have not changed my mind. Your son and his family are NOT moving into our marital home. And I don't appreciate you keeping this "request" from me."
End of conversation. Your DH tries to continue it, walk out of the room.
This is a major hill to died on
Tell DH ...NO... what means NO .....NO is a complete sentence..... SS is and adult so is GF. with kids they need to have there own home, And live as adults. You will not get into this crap.. SS can NOT move in.
"Close family dynamic"
I'm laughing. What a wordsmith SS is. "Close family dynamic", another way if saying free rent and lots of babysitting.
Sleepover of a 24 year old? What a little manipulator.
I wouldn't dignify SS with a comment but I'd sure lay it out for DH.
Ss24
Never wanted a "close family dynamic". As soon as I met DH he began stealing from my purse but was sorry and up until he moved out I later found out he was trash talking us which infuriated me as it was untrue, but he denied it. Ss24 has always been in it for himself, I have rarely seen him be responsible. Case in point, not ready for baby number 2 but doesn't do anything for birth control though I made sure to educate him when he was 16 and allowed to have a gf sleep over.
"Close family dynamic"..,smh...he needs to figure out how to accomplish this without living with us. Since he left, not a Christmas or birthday gift for DD, not even from a dollar gift store. And now he has had SS19 with him for a year...accomplishing nothing besides being his babysitter. So no, he's not a good influence, not a responsible person, and selfish. And also stupid. Stupid enough to think he could pass me and enter our home to live in again. Doesn't realize I can see right through him because I don't have rose colored glasses when it comes to DH's kids.
Time to play chess-
Time to play chess-
ANY spare room in your house- turn it into something (think study, play room, dressing room, ANYTHING) and don't tell your DH. Just do it. If he can make unilateral decisions about sleepovers then you can make decisions about space. THEN there will be no room so your DH doesn't have to reconsile his daddy guilt as there's simply no space and, no means no.
Nah
I think it'll be a stronger statement if I leave the rooms empty...and still hold my boundary and say no. I think everyone will get my point.
saw that SS asked DH to move
Heavy on the NO
.....final answer
NO. This is a hill to die on.
NO. This is a hill to die on. I would not be letting a fully grown adult and their family move IN to MY house. Tell DH if he wants to play Grandpa then you are OUT.
Oh I forgot that tidbit
Where I told DH SS onky wants to live with us for free babysitting and he goes "if I want to do that with my grandson I can. Your mom helps us with DD!" And I told him yea, my mom helped as long as I was working, not so I could be out clubbing and partying. Also....my mother didn't work and chose to help us, while both of us are still working, and then to babysit too? Also, I pay my mother (sneak money in her bag since she refuses to take it) help her out with things she needs (most recent thing was how to fix her house phone, translating, etc). I also buy them their favorite foods and and generally try to be a help because I understand how much they've helped me. Ss24 has never really been a team player/family person as it relates to us. I see him only take and take with barely any reciprocity
“Of course
you can babysit your grandson, DH, anytime you want - by yourself and at SS' house..."
And seriously, does it make any sense for someone who is getting help with his child to turn around and offer his help to someone else? His first priority should be on paying back in kind the help he is receiving to the person who is helping him! I realize you're already doing that, but is he? Because DD is his child, too, after all.
I agree
Totally agree with this. He should be wanting to work more to put more money in my moms pockets
What is it about these types
What is it about these types that they circle the wagons on stupid shit? You never said that you did not want him watching the GSKids or spending time with the SSs and their families. You were clear and said "not in my house".
He may not have used my trigger words but it sounds like he is bowing up over things you have not said.
I cringe every time I hear "So you are saying.....". This was the harbinger of a major fight when my DW would interpret rather than listens. I am simple. I say what I mean. If I don't say it, I don't mean it.
Over the years I have learned to very carefully speak my message in a manner that as much as possible eliminates the risk of misinterpretation. What has never worked but something I stood on for far to long was "Those words never left my lips or entered my mind. DO NOT interpret, listen!" That would then drive DH to attack while complaining that I was defending myself instead of listening. My response would be that if she did not want me to defend myself then don't attack. It was a never ending circular argument. It did not happen often but it did happen far more than it should have. I have had no choice but to evolve since my DW is wicked/scary smart and has learned to chew me up and spit me out in arguments. So, I do not argue. That is the only way I can preserve some semblance of self delusion on being intelligent in comparison to her keen mind.
We have not had that fight in a very long time. I never intend to have that fight again. Rather than draw the line in the sand and position to fight, we engage in discussion. That keeps things far more calm and we can engage to discuss and resolve instead of to get defensive.
Stay direct, keep it simple, and do not let DH draw you into a fight with his getting all butt hurt over something you never said.
IMHO of course.
What is it about these types
My ex Disneyland dad I used to deal with did this
Anytime his failed former family tried to press his boundaries, I would say no "they cannot be dumped here while you're at work because I do not want to be responsible for them so you and your breeder you pay child support to can wait until you're off work for YOUR parenting time to parent your kids to commence" ....
What he heard = "your kids are demon seeds who should have never been born and you should write them out of your lives permanently"
When I say Disneyland dads are mentally ill....that's it right there because how can you grossly misinterpret something to that level if you're sane?!?
Not sure if he says “so you’re saying”
But he definitely does say "I guess I'll just figure it out then!" And then when I asked if he wanted me to be involved he said "No, it's okay". Even though I know he wants me to be involved.
He also said "as long as YOU'RE fine that's all that matters" and of course I call him out on it and clarify that he is being sarcastic and that won't solve the issue at hand. I want him to be fine as well, and I want him to think of other solutions besides gaining closeness with his kids at the expense of the peace of my home.
He's 47...but I'm realizing his communication and comprehension skills in conflicts regarding his kids are atrocious at the least.
I bet your mum didn't move in
I bet your mum didn't move in to help out. Let your dh do the same. Let him go help them out on THEIR turf.
Nope
She did not move in and won't. She's super self conscious and does not want to be seen as that meddling mother in law. And coincidentally, I did tell DH to go help them on their turf, same way as my mom does (she'll visit when we're not around and leave me groceries or clean my home)
I brought it up to DH
He said he told him no and that he didn't let me know because he didn't want me to rant about his son. Dd is not in school today so I couldn't press him for the details on how he told him no (did he blame it on me?) but I did tell him that will never happen, and the fact that SS tried to go through him without considering me or Dd speaks to how selfish he is, to think any of us could benefit from him living with us with his gf and 2 kids. I reiterated to DH that SS never respected our house rules and reminded him of how he left. He said he didn't want to talk about it, and that he already told him no.
He said he didn't want to
He should have never brought it up or even let that thought cross his mind
Most men pretend like they don't understand when a woman tells them NO.
They try to bargain with you, circle back later, convince you how "great" their idea is, get mad at you for even having boundaries.
I wouldn't talk about it either if I were you. You told your husband no a while back and here he is using his son sob stories, his own personal grandparent regrets n desires, etc to invade your home when they both can get their need for "close family bonding" without living in your home.
Disney parents are quick to offer up your home as the solution to everything
In all fairness
He didn't bring it up. I had snooped through his phone and saw that his son texted and asked to move in...2 days after DH told his kids he "wants them to sleep over from time to time when he gets home". So ss24 asking to move in 2 days after cemented for me why I don't want to even entertain sleepovers at this point.
No means no. And this time around, I'll be direct and vocal if he doesn't do it. My house, my rules.
“me and gf were talking and
“me and gf were talking and want to move back in the house to create that close family dynamic”.
What a load of crap.
" HAHAH create that close
" HAHAH create that close family dynamic”. Thats also sounds like some BS lip service that SD29 ( I should come up wtith a nickname) has said when trying to invade her way back in.. or whenver she wanted something. . Don't ask me what is up with this fixation of using the DH and SM's place as the center to play out this shitshow of an ( unhealthy) dynamic. Its as if they dont realize that there are other options on this planet to spend time with the spawns without imposing on and volunteering the use your time and space Its not necesary. Especially when SD has her own apartment, and its just in the next town or so over, so there is no reason why DH can't get to know her and the grands there. I have never told him not to. He knows he is free to do so whenever he pleases if its that important to him. I am sure SD has this narrative that its my fault if he is not doing so as much as SHE would like ( shes rarely happy with much anyway) since I must be keeping him from them
True story,. my DH has been using a few vacation days this week. There was a time when I would be concerned about if he had planned to use some of that time to go over to visit with SD and the kids. Nowadays, I am not going to even bother to bring it up. I really am beyond caring about what he does or doesnt do in that sense. Its been beyond my control from day one. If he can't see the Spawns for long without me Prodding him or without me being the Buffer, then thats his problem to work through. I am done feeling responsible for keeping their relationships afloat...this "cruise director" has been on retirement .
Same!
Dh has been free to visit SS24, SS19 and his grandkid when whenever he wanted. He did it a few times and now I think he wants to just use our home because we have a clean, peaceful home and he wants to use the vibes I create for his sons.
I've already heard of how messy their apartment is and DH complains about how long the drive is to go over there (an hour). He says he can't relax thinking about if there will be traffic on his way back home. My response to him is that it's not my fault SS24 doesn't have a car. Not my fault he won't pay for an Uber to see his dad. I've paid for an Uber the last couple of times they came over. But...not doing that anymore either. If they want to visit DH they can take on the costs of what that will be.
Holidays are coming. Ss24's gf isn't close to her family, they live out of state. I'm sure they'll want to come over for thanksgiving dinner which is fine...but they'll have to figure a way to get back home, or dh has to pay for it or drive them.
Disrespecful pigs do not get a respite in our home.
They should have to live in the sty they create for themselves. Since some partners are the source of the problem that their pig spawn are, they can wallow in the sty when they visit those spawn.
They do not get to drag the stench back into our home just because they balk at the stench that they have created.
Exactly. I am all for letting
Exactly. I am all for letting DH, MIL or anyone else who wants to enable SD to go over there all they want.Go nuts, do what you want. Just dont drag that trash back on my turf.
SD doesnt have a car either.
SD doesnt have a car either. Not my problem . Let DH be her personal taxi if he wants.. She complains about her apartment is in a "ghetto" area, so isnt too keane on entertaining herself. Too Bad. Is too broke to do much of anything fun with her kids on her own. Not my fault that she hasnt bettered herself to get into a more desirable area or be able to afford a more comfortable life for HER own family. I certainly didnt choose that for her. I am in the right if i were to tell her that she should have thought of all that before. Just like she has had the Audacity to tell me I should have thought ahead before marrying someone with a Child ( shes almost 30..time to drop that whole Child worship garbage) whenever she has given me grief or when her own guilt tripping tactic failed her.
It just struck me
that since SS24 has moved out (around April 2022), he has never invited me or DD over to his home. Now DH would argue that it doesn't mean we aren't welcome...but it's still the point that despite this "close family dynamic" SS says he wants, he still doesn't do anything to cultivate it.
Definitely picking up on a
Definitely picking up on a trend here. I cannot dig up a memory of ONE occasion when SD had invited me to her home, even though I was never told outright that I woud be unwelcome either. I think it the prinicipal. These skids just have made little to no inititiive for years, then show up out of the blue. demands that you comply with having a close, enmeshed relationship . Suddenly expecting SM to love her and her kids as if they were my own. If you ask me, she no longer has any Business Asking for that . I feel its unfair and unreasonable when she has been indifferent and has had struggles fully accepting me being with her Dad. Therefore, she has rejected my attempts to create some kind of somewhat normal "Family dynamic" ( without Me not putting pressure on Her to Love Me as if I were her own mother.) only for her to shit on it. Now she cant fathom why I am the one not recipricating once the tables have turned.
I think its just BS anyway. . as if she is hoping by appealing to my emotions, ,,tugging at those old heartstrings, that I will let my guard out so once again, she can muscle her way in to get free rent, food, laundry services, utilities, and babysitting. more resources for her family now that she says she has realized the very real world consequences of her choices.
To be honest, now that I think of it. I am at point where the older that I get, the less energy I have for entertaining houseguests let alone let others move in like that for an indefinite amount of time. If not permanently. Its just not enjoyable for me.
I am not meaning to knock Multi-Generational Households but its just not my cup of tea. I have older retired neighbors who have their kids and a grandkid all living together. Thats fine if thats what works for them and makes them happy. I, on the other hand, am not the least bit interested. The mere thought of living with that kind of arrangement with no end sends me into a near anxiety attack. It would be a huge burden and a hill to die on . It woudnt matter if I were retired myself or if SD and I always got along ( hahaha..not even close) . NO way do I intend to spend my golden years taking on the next generations to follow. Although, I am sure that SD would very well expect that consider she has put some of that pressure on me herself. . If so,then she is on for one rude awakening. Not a Chance.
It's a well-known fact, the
It's a well-known fact, the older you get, the fewer shits you have to give.
Amen to that!
Amen to that!
Hahahaha...close family
Hahahaha...close family dynamic. Yeah right!
Everyone that has posted has said it all, and it appears that OP is tough and standing firm which is great.
OP, keep staying strong and don't let these ferals back in. This is your home, your haven. Don't give up your peace.
I seem to recall that your DH owns a two bedroom apartment, is that right? If he's so concerned about his son why doesn't he move him in there? Probably because he knows he would NOT get any rent money out of him, hahahaha.
I’m sure
That he won't move his kids in because he knows he'd be stuck paying the maintenance (which is honestly dirt cheap). He just got a new tenant last month and is getting some passive income that way.
Being the buffer grandparent
I'm done being the buffer, too. My DH87 has a fantasy, about how his gkids and great gkids should be treated. A loving grandma would continually give money, time, food and attention to eveyone, all the time. I say "he has" but actually, it's "he had" cuz he finally understood I have neither the desire nor bandwidth. I do what I feel like doing and try to be fair to all.
The funny thing is that his kids try to encourage him to pay more attention to the now young-adult gkids. Just the other day, YSS encouraged him to call his daughter. Did he do it? No.he didn't feel like it. This summer, he got mad at SD63's daughter for (wisely) not caving to her mom"s requests so he refused to see her or her 2 little kids when I met them for an outing. Ok, DH, do what you want, thats YOUR family.
I am with you 100%, JRI!
I am with you 100%, JRI! This whole pressure to be the Buffer or the activities coordinator, etc. is just for the birds and its exhausting. I have also washed my hands as much as I could, pretty much resorting to the "Do what you want , thats YOUR family" solution as you put it to DH.
I am done feeling responsbile for maintaining his bonds with his own family, mainly SD29, who now, as you know, is the primary person trying to force things based on her own delusions about what my role is supposed to be in her mind .
Really. Its ridiculous and annoying when parents cant seem to handle dealing with their own kids sometimes without trying to pass the buck onto someone else and make it their responsibility more than it should be.
A SParent can't care more than the BPs.
A primary tenent of STalk. Several STalkers over the years have crafted and shared that message.
Neither can a spouse care more about their mate's family than the mate cares for their own family. To try to own and improve those interfaces is an exercise in futility and is ultimately frustrating and costs us far more than we should risk.
My DW does not generally make an effort to contact her family. Which matches their efforts. I on the other hand am on the far other end of the spectrum. I generally am the communicator in my family and in my friendships. I am the one to call, visit, etc...
Regarding my ILs, I encourage my DW to call them. It is rare that I regret something I have done. It is less rare that I regret not doing something. I do not want my DW to have regrets regarding her relationships with her family. Interestingly they are not particularly demonstrative in their conversations with DW. My FIL certainly wasn't though there was notable improvement the last few years of his life. He and my DW were very close. DW was his person. More so even than my MIL was. DW's biodad, MILs first DH who was killed in a car accident a few days before DW was born. MIL's and FIL's families were friends so MIL and FIL were around each other growing up. When MIL repatriated to the US after the death of her DH, FIL met her at the airport and never left her side after that. They married when DW was 2mos old. FIL was her daddy. The only one she has ever known. Interestingly FIL's relationship with my DW is far closer than the relationships he had with his 3BKs who are DW's three younger sibs. DW does have some regrets about not contacting her daddy more often.
There is nothing I can do about the past and bugging the shit out of DW to call her family is not effective nor is it conducive to avoiding tension between us over it.
All we can do I think is be there when they finally arrive at regret for not investing as we hope they will.
In our early years, I got
In our early years, I got round that by calling MIL myself, chatting to her for 5 minute then passing the phone to DH and walking away.
It just never occurred to him to call his parents and I really didn't want anyone to think I was stepping him from calling.