She has shown her true colors. SD wanted you to be involved when it benefit HER. Now that she doesn't need you any more, you have been "discarded". This is very common in people who have NPD. 

Something similar happened at SD14's 8th grade promotion ceremony. I have been in her life for almost 10 years, but to the extent she excluded me was surprising a little bit. 

My advice: SD is married now, living her own life, and making her own family. Don't pay her any mind and disengage. Don't fall for it when she needs help with something again (maybe babysitting grandkids or something like that). Actions speak louder than words. 

I'm sorry, I have no advice nor experience to offer but wanted you to know that my heart hurts for you.

((((HUGS))))

Usually it's not just "one" issue that causes reversals like this.. was there anything that whispered of conflict during the planning stage?

Otherwise.. you have to know that the reasons were just excuses.. and it appears that either her mother demanded you not be there.. or she was afraid of some conflict in the smaller venue.. so wanted to avoid it.

The thing is.. I kind of understand her feeling that way.. being concerned her mother and you might have problems.. and that would "ruin" her experience.  But... you know what? put your big girl pants on and directly address that with you.  Hey distraught.. my mom is really making a big scene about you being at the rehersal dinner.. I just can't reason with her.. and I want you to know.. I appreciate all you have done.. but would you mind sitting it out to help me keep the peace?

I mean.. I have declined invites to the baby showers of my OSD.. was not going to be at some small event with her mother.. just no.  but.. she did invite me.. and I was in some of the photos at her wedding too.

I can't imagine how hurtful her treatment of you has been.. and even it her mom was behind a lot of it.. if she had been more mature.. she could have at least told you that.. that she was in between a rock and hard place with it.

I guess maybe her feelings about your relationship were not quite reciprocal.. which I know is sad.. and in the future.. I would be much more judicious with what time or effort I expend in her direction.

Toxic people = toxic milestones. I'm so sorry. 

...you are going through this. My heart hurts for you, I can't imagine being blindsided like this. Dogmom1321 mentioned that actions speak louder than words; this is sad, but true. File this knowledge away for the future and weigh what you are/are not willing to do for her. Personally, I am generally ostracized unless I can be of some use, so I have stopped dispensing services. I'm not interested in a transactional relationship. 

I am very interested to see what your husband has to say about this. I hope he is supporting you.

Blessings to you, I care.

Your SD was a Sleeper Agent

A sleeper agent isn’t just your average ‘skid’; oh no, we're talking about a real ‘skidmark’ of a spy, one who’s been embedded deep in enemy territory (a.k.a. Disneyland Daddy-cake’s house and the Evil Stepmother’s lair). This operative can ‘play nice’, keeping the peace and blending in, all while secretly biding their time. They remain dormant, lulling everyone, especially their target, the SM, into a false sense of security—until the signal is given. Then, it's ‘go-time!’ And their true allegiance to the ‘Motherland’ (a.k.a. the Bio-Mom or Shrine to the First Failed Family) is triggered. And when that happens, watch out! The transformation begins almost instantaneously—graduations, weddings, or any family get-together where the BM must be revered like a cult leader at a gathering of her loyal minions. That’s when the sleeper agent sheds their disguise, revealing their true colors in a grand act of loyalty to the 'Motherland,' throwing shade at the SM, (the mortal enemy of the BM) like the skid was throwing a javelin at an Olympic sporting event. 

Ask me how I know this.

So, all members of the First Fail Family, stand and raise your hand to hail, ‘Heil, BM! Heil, BM, Heil BM, may your reign at thousand years! Heil!

Long-term placement

Sleeper agents are the ultimate long-game players, willing to keep their cover for years, even decades, if necessary. They get bonus points when their target—poor, clueless Stepmom—believes she can win their love with showers of blessings and gifts. These ‘skid marks’ are pros at pulling the strings on their Daddycakes, who just wants to believe ‘the best’ about their precious spawn. And when it comes to the daughters, oh boy, they’re on a whole other level. As their mother’s savage protégées, these SDs (Stepmom's Doom) have turned deception into an art form. They expertly play the role of a faux-friend to the Evil Stepmother, all while harboring the same icy resentment they were spoon-fed from childhood.

AGAIN, ask me how do I know?

Conditioned to secretly despise Daddycake’s new wife from day one, they reach the age of accountability—the point where they know right from wrong—and guess what? THEY DON’T CARE ABOUT WHAT’S RIGHT AND TRUE AND MORAL! THEY DON’T CARE HOW WELL THE SM HAVE TREATED THEM!

 Instead, they double down on their toxic BM’s dogma, towing the party line with a grin that’s as sharp as a knife. THEY’VE MADE A CONSCIOUS CHOICE TO CARRY ON THE LEGACY OF HATE, LIKE THE DUTIFUL AGENTS THEY WERE TRAINED TO BE, BLENDING SABOTAGE WITH SWEET SMILES, all while the stepmom remains blissfully unaware of the conspiracy that surrounds her.

Deep cover identity

Sleeper agents? Oh, they've been crafting their elaborate false selves long before the poor stepmother even stepped onto the scene. Why? Simple survival tactics! They had to perfect those fake smiles and rehearsed niceties to make it through life with their bat-shit crazy BM, that’s why! They didn’t just become master manipulators overnight; they were born into the chaos, learning to duck, dodge, and deflect to survive their motherland's wild mood swings and unpredictable explosions.

These kids didn't grow up playing hopscotch; they grew up playing psychological chess! By the time the stepmom enters the picture, these sleeper agents are already experts in the game. They've got layers upon layers of armor built up from years of navigating their mother's emotional minefield, and they wear those masks so well, you'd think they were glued on. They’ve been in survival mode from day one, and now they’re taking those well-honed skills into their new territory, ready to play nice just long enough to keep everyone guessing!

Specialized training

Ah, specialized training—now we’re getting to the real meat of it! Sleeper agents aren't just any run-of-the-mill troublemakers; these are professionals! They’re often employed by enemy forces for espionage, sabotage, and, let’s be real, the occasional character assassination of their least favorite target—the stepmother. They've practically got a Ph.D. in causing chaos. Heck, they might as well be surgically altered to look like innocent little angels or, for all we know, be androids, clones of the BM, who switch from "sweet" to "sinister" faster than you can say, "What did I do to deserve this?"

Sleeper agents are masters of deception, skilled at cozying up to their targets with small talk and ‘false intimacy’ designed to pry open the stepmother’s world. Why, you ask? Simple—they're on a mission to gather intel for the cult leader and to make sure the first failed family never fades into irrelevance. It’s all about strategy: they know it's easier to lure flies with honey than with vinegar. So, these skids, with their manipulative charm, along with their ever-scheming cult leaders, are always angling for future resources like houses, inheritance, and anything else they can sniff out. The best way to do this? Act like they're the stepmother's best friend, smile sweetly, and play the part—until the moment they don't have to anymore. 

These agents undergo intense training in passive aggressive language skills, dysfunctional family culture, and the fine art of making the stepmother’s life as torturous as possible. They've learned precisely how far they can push those buttons, just enough to make you question your sanity while Daddycakes plays referee with a blindfold on. Think of it like this: a Pappa cat catches a poor, helpless mouse and brings it home. The Mamma cat sends her  kittens over to the Pappa Cat’s house, not for a cuddle, but for a life lesson in how to kill. The kittens poke, prod, and torment the mouse, and when that mouse turns to the Papa Cat for mercy, what do you think he says?

He gives that wise, all-knowing look (probably while licking his paws), and with a flick of his tail, he tells the mouse, "Well, you’ll have to deal with my bloodthirsty little darlings yourself. I’m just here to watch."

So on Steptalk you have friends that care! 

Dogmom1321 Advice:

SD is married now, living her own life, and making her own family. Don't pay her any mind and disengage. Don't fall for it when she needs help with something again (maybe babysitting grandkids or something like that). Actions speak louder than words.

I’ll add: When someone (finally) shows you who they are – BELIVE THEM THE FIRST TIME!

What the Mothership Cult-Leader wants – the Mothership Cult-Leader gets!

ESMOD wrote:

It appears that either her mother demanded you not be there.. or she was afraid of some conflict in the smaller venue.. so wanted to avoid it.

I'll add: Just remember, if the Mothership ever commands her brainwashed minion to take you out—don't take it personally. It's not about you; even if the SD murders you -it's just cult business! Just another day in the life of a sleeper agent carrying out orders from the hive.

Listen to Dogmom and Discard this sleeper agent for good! 

We were only married about three years when YSD got married. If you look at her wedding albumn you'd never know that I was at the wedding. Not one picture. There was only one picture taken of her paternal grandmother. Unfortunately it was a family picture that I was in. So no picture of grandma in the album either..

I was told that only the wedding party was going to the picture taking. So I didn't even get to witness it. 

I did get to sit with DH though. DH would have had a fit if I had not.

For the most part the wedding was fine. BM's family was fine. Just one strange remark. DH was divorced. BM had initiated the divorce and then just after it was final she died. DH and I did not start dating until after her death. The groom's mother and I were talking at the end of the night. I said something innocuous and the groom's mother remarked that no matter what I did or tried, I'd always be the other woman. It seems the groom had told her I was the cause of the divorce. Groom later told us he thinks remarrying after the death of a spouse (I was a widow) was disrespectful to the first spouse. YSD has been married about 20 years now and her husband is still a horse's ***.

There's nothing to forgive.  You mean nothing to her.  As others noted, she was using you while you were useful.  Nothing more.  She'll "come around" when she needs you to start paying expenses once she has kids.

I strongly encourage you to drop the rope and protect your wallet. 

And I'm sorry for your pain. Just want to add you're not alone - if you type "wedding" into the search box, you'll find puh lenty of horror stories from SPs who were exploited/shunned/abused/mistreated at weddings. 

Step dysfunction, whether covert or overt, often ramps up around big life events. Weddings - that female-dominated ritual - seem to be the worst. And our husbands always seem oblivious to the machinations going on behind the scene. 

My mother was shunned when HER stepdaughter married, put in the very back row of the "family" photos. However Mom, being no dummy and a British subject, had followed the tradition of sporting a chic (and VERY wide-brimmed) hat. Paired with Cadillac Red lipstick, she still stood out. 

For myself, it was only years after that I noticed twelve year old bridesmaid OSD looked like she'd sucked on a lemon in all my wedding photos. I was "allowed" to pay for the rehearsal dinner at OSD's first wedding, then seated behind a pillar that completely blocked my view of the ceremony at her second. The beat goes on, and now you're FREE to take some GIANT steps back from all things skid related.

This is what I think would happen to myself later down the track, and I'm truly sorry that it's happened to you. Good for your husband for standing up for you and saying that he's not coming if you're not invited. How horrible that you're sitting in a different spot from your husband at the wedding reception and not be included in any of the photos. All in all, clearly what a crazy toxic person would do. I'm surprised it has taken her 25 years to show her true colours, and I'm actually glad that mine started showing their true colours now (after nearly 10 years), rather than stringing me along for another 15. 

I don't think that it is all stemming from BM feeling uncomfortable about the wedding. Also, disagree with what ESMOD is saying. It is SD's wedding, and it should be done with how SHE wants it, not with how BM wants it. Also, OP claims that the venue is not even all that small, and that there is plenty of space to avoid BM at the rehearsal dinner. So that's clearly a BS excuse. SD is getting married after all, this means she is an ADULT. And an adult should be capable of making their own decisions and telling other people how it is. If BM doesn't like it, she can sit it out, but she doesn't have the right to demand for father and his wife to do certain things, and SD, as an adult, needs to be able to put her foot down and say that to BM. After all, father & his wife aren't demanding anything from BM's side, so why should she? And why should SD be bending to all BM's wishes when it appears that her father & OP are paying for parts of the wedding too? I'm sorry but that is all just an excuse and just a way of SD to shift the blame to her mother when she is the one who is also contributing to all of this. We need to stop excusing stepchildren as if they are all little kids who aren't capable of making their own decisions. We need to hold them accountable for their own adult actions and adult decisions. 

If BM is uncomfortable, she can be the one to sit it out. ESMOD sat it out because s/he was uncomfortable. Any parent who is of a reasonably level mind would want the best for their children, and that includes enduring uncomfortable moments with their ex's side. And if they cannot endure it, then they need to take themselves out of the equation. If BM is uncomfortable and hence put pressure on SD to exclude father & his wife, and SD abides to this, that means SD is also crazy and toxic. Hold them to what they are. Stop excusing their poor behaviours like they are children who have no choice. 

If I were you, I'd take the time now to just lay low. Digest everything. Examine how you feel. Don't do or say anything rash. You are obviously very hurt and blindsided, and you would feel a mix of emotions from this point onwards. Anger, sadness, resentment, betrayal, and so on. It is all normal. Take the time you need to digest it all, and listen to your mind and heart. Talk to someone, if that helps. Find a therapist, if that helps. Tell your husband how you feel. Don't spare anything. 

Eventually, if I were you, I would slowly withdraw from the relationship that you have with SD. Start doing less, and start saying no. Don't do anything that you're not comfortable with, and don't go that extra length. Actions always speak louder than words, and she has shown you what you mean to her. So if I were you, I'd start protecting myself and I'd start the process of healing. If you still want to support your husband, do so. But you need to find the balance that works for you, so that you don't get hurt and blindsided once more. Take care of yourself first. Sending hugs!

At the wedding??  I would have demanded that and not cared about making a scene. I think your H needs to have a conversation with SD now. He likely will resist if he's like most. I think ignoring this would be hard.  Why not you call her and discuss it yourself?  Lay it out. And then never lift another finger for her.  
SDs can play nice until it gets a little tough then they exclude the B list.  My SD was very friendly to my big overtures at the start of the pandemic. My thinking was let bygones be. So I treated her and her new child like royalty. This went on until I found out that her baby's first birthday blowout bash included everyone except her father and I. And my offer to fly them all to visit us was met with "it doesn't work for us."  I have not had any further contact with her in over 5 years. 
A lot depends on H. Is he pissed like he should be??  

She has told and shown you who and what she is. Believe her.  She is an asshole and a POS.  Treat her as what and who she has shown herself to be. That said, do not stay away from her, anyone, or anything else in your family or your DH's family.  Be fully present, you and DH be at each other's side, be radiant, be happy. I truly hope you moved your seating card at the reception to sit by your DH and put whoever you displaced at the bridal party table just to send the message to your SD and her shit puddle of a mother what is what.

Her hurting someone else because her mommy is bankrupt of character, a failed adult, and idiot parent with some regressive infantile hurt fee fees makes SD more detestable than her idiot mother is.

Stop giving this POS waste of skin spawn a second thought.  You and DH live your best lives while sending the very clear message to asshat SD that she will be treated as the shit that she is.

Do not grieve her being a POS. Recognize what she is, make sure you keep her nose rubbed in her POS status going forward, and live your best life together with your DH.

He knew his asshat daughter is a POS and he told her that his wife would not be excluded. It is refreshing to see a SParent married to a viable adult with spine, balls, and confidence.  Sadly, it is somewhat of a rarity.

Never forget that living well and living your best life is also the both the best example for those who matter in our lives and is the best revenge against those who are toxic.

Live your best life and rub the noses of the toxic opposition in that revenge making sure that you and DH are living well fully in their faces.

I would.

Have fun!!

I hope some new members will take a hard look at your story.  I feel so sorry for you..  you gut the right things in life to get back stabbed.  Now major disagreements...  No more money in any way or shape. No gifts..no money.. no gifts for GK.  NO money to other SK. 

SD is an adult,, she made a adult decision. If other family members get hurt it's on SD.  BM wants to be a toxic bit%5   Then she can pay for everything lol. Only communication with SD it Facebook, ect  To let her know how you are spend her inheritance..on Fancy vacation, and restaurant. And adult toys. 
'Any body with SK you must understand what happen and don't get trapped yourself 

This is horrific behavior and there might be "reasons" behind it, but there is no excuse for it. Yes, our experience was similar re: a wedding, but, believe me, I knew SD hated me long before the wedding day. lol. 
My DH used to say that his daughter felt "forced" to "pretend" not to like me in order to keep peace with her mother. BS. And if that were true, SD is a weak little hypocrite. Again, there is no excuse for this behavior unless someone has treated you horribly. 
Yes, feeling grief right now is normal. My suggestion would be to cut this little B out of your life once and for all. 
And I'm glad your DH stuck by you at the event, but he needs to open his eyes. I am so sorry! 

All of this heartbreaking toxic SkidMark crap is exactly why I am full frontal in their faces with their head in a headlock scrubbing their SkidMarked skivvies up their noses., or crammed down their throats.  Over, and over, and over again. If they are going lay down nasty stench they are going to smell it, eat it, live it and they are going to do it with their asses fully bared in front of anyone and everyone present. Family, friends, teachers, coworkers, fiances, future and current ILs, etc....  They choose toxic, they get full in their faces zero tolerance pain in real time. 

I know that many think that coddling, tender accepatance, welcoming, 2nd, 3rd, 4th..... nth chances, etc.... are the way to do. Nope. immediate consequences and escalating exceptionally painful misery works.  If a SKid is one of these, if their breeder in the toxic opposition is one of these, their pain, misery, and destruction is my fondest hobby.  When they cry and try to flip the script, out comes the full meal deal documented facts and anyone and everyone they try to gain support from gets those facts, arrest records, COs, PI reports, divorce hisoties, cheating histories, history of toxic manipulations.  They want to play games.... GAME ON!!!

I learned this reasonably early in my life.  At Military School there were some schlumps who would steal medals, ribbons, awards, or order them from mail order businesses and try to wear them.  When I recognized that crap, I would pull together the Standard of Honor Commission, initiate the investigation, and when the investigation proved the lies, we would have the liar pulled into the Mess Hall in their full dress uniform with their bullshit awards and their legitimate awards on full display, stand them in front of the Corps, read the Commission report, and implement the public stripping of rank, all awards including the ones they may have earned, and then read the Commissions recommendation to the administration to kick the POS out.  Some were kicked out, others wished they had been as they spent months marching in big rectangles wearing a heavy pack, carrying a heavy weapon, every spare minute of free time they had.  For those who had already qualified and signed it, the most painful consequence was being redlined from the Standard of Honor.  Signing was the culmonation of the first year of being a Cadet.  It was a big deal.  For those who pulled this crap during their first year, they could not sign.  That banished them to the purgatory of eternal New Cadet status.  Not something anyone would want.

The school culture was +'. Accentuate the positive. Recognize performance, honor, and integrity. Conversely, violations were dealt with immediately and brutally.  If someone was struggling, the culture aligned support for them.  Any number of Cadets who struggled got help and were mentored to be solid performers. The ones who worked harder at being toxic idiots.... }=) it was game on.  Shower parties, blanket parties, Rat Fucks (loud endless push up, sit up, little red chair sessions) until they crumbled into snivvling piles of protoplasm.  If they took the lesson and started stepping up, they were supported, mentored and led to success.

IMHO, these types of Skids and their HomeLand toxic parent should be faced with zero option but pain from the quality parent, that SParent, and life should be a sheer living hell.  They get, what the earn.

If the mate we choose cannot see their SkidMark failed family effluent for what it is, then the do-over is in order in a manner as painful and expensive as we can make it for them.  If they engage as our equity life partner matching our effort, our lives together will be outstanding and an example for the SkidMarks and their nauseating Mother/Father land of toxicity.  Living well is part of keeping the skidmarked skivvies firmly shoved down their throats for them to choke on and for anyone and everyone around them to smell the odiferous emanations of as that stench wafts through the lifes of anyone and everyone they try to suck into their cesspool lives.

Why would anyone tolerate this kind of crap?  Being a COD does not give anyone free reign to treat others as shit.  Nor does it religate the COD to the status of shit. Unless.... they earn it.  In which case... GAME ON!

One option would be to forgive, for your own wellbeing, while also remembering what SD has done. It would be hard to not remain wary. A friend of mine likes to say, "Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me."

Again, I am so sorry that happened to you. 

didn't say anything about forgetting. If you feel that you are required to forgive remember that forgiveness doesn't happen in a moment - not true forgiveness, anyway.

I had a friend once who required her children to say I'm sorry to their siblings when they had wronged them and the sibling who had been wronged had to immediately say "I forgive you." This was all very sweet but the kid saying "I forgive you" was usually trying to bash their sibling in the head in retribution while saying it. It was really hard not to laugh.

Forgive if you must but don't expect anything different in your SD's behavior - and forgiving doesn't mean you have to accept this bad behavior from her in the future. 

For letting us and the new people see. What can happen in a step relationship.  You give your time..,energy,. heart,,money.. your life in time,  places ..things. You didn't do because of the kids.         To be treated like this. 
'ALL REMEMBER BLOOD IS THICKER THEN A STEP PARENT