25yo still-at-home stepson is slob who doesn't follow house rules
My spouse's 25yo son still lives in our house. He has a full-time, well-paying job and makes enough money to move out (either with or without his partner) but doesn't seem motivated to do so. He is very helpful when asked to help his siblings and mother (but only to the extent that he is asked), but any help that involves my wishes is ignored.
He has known about some standard house-rules (e.g.: food/drink limited to kitchen/dining area, cleaning up after themselves when done eating or using a room, doing your own laundry, etc...) for the entire 14 year time his mother and I have been living together.
However, he claims that he is incapable of following any of those rules or any "adult" responsibilities because "it is too stressful" because of residual issues with his bio-father (whom he has had almost zero contact in the past 7+ years).
His room in our open-floor basement is buried in mounds of dirty laundry and the basement bathroom is disgusting. During a recent renovation to my kitchen, it was discovered that a dead mouse was found half-inside a bag of Doritos (as well as many dirty dishes, open food bags and other trash) under his bed not far from our electrical panel. Because our laundry is also in our basement, he gets upset that other family members wants to do their laundry. He doesn't help with household chores. When he receives mail (bills, cards, etc..), he ignores it. When he is asked to clean up after himself, the mess ends up getting bigger.
When he wants something, he expects his requests to be fulfilled completely. He gets upset when he is woken up from a nap for family meals but also gets upset when he is not woken up. He gets upset when there are no snacks in the pantry which he will eat but is also the first to get upset at open requests to all family members about moderating consumption of snacks.
When he forgets to do something he is responsible for doing (as an adult or as a member of the family), he feigns to accept responsibility because (as he puts it) "nobody told him".
When the topic of therapy or support groups are brought up to help him, he refuses to consider it claiming that attending would only make his issues worse.
How do I convince my spouse to help her adult son help himself to be motivated and ready to move out before I demand he needs to be forced to move out?
What is the your DW saying?
What is your wife saying about all this?
Rekey the locks, tell his
Rekey the locks, tell his mommy that he goes or they both go.
No quarter, zero tolerance. This is a 25yo capable of a career so he is capable to GTF out and adult up. NOW!
Your SS is the male skid
Your SS is the male skid worst case scenario that a lot of stepparents fear. Basement dwelling slob of an adult who terrorizes everyone else because of some ill-defined mental issue (the female equivalent is an adult Daddy's Princess who can do no wrong and won't leave but has more say in how the house is run than you do.)
The above is just my opinion. But, anyone would agree your SS has to go. I would sit with your wife and respectfully tell her you won't live with and support him forever. Maybe do it at a couples therapist's office. The good part is he has a fulltime job. He ought to have some money saved and even if he blows it all on weed, video games, and takeout, he technically could survive on his own if changes are made. It might take 3-6 months to get him out. He's been coddled so long he probably needs a little time to prepare and maybe therapy and life skills training. Don't give him more than 6 months.
How can SS have it better ?
You are paying his bills. He has no responsibility to anyone thing. He's golden. Q
I'd google this issue, as you
I'd google this issue, as you are not the only one, then I'd print out others' evaluations, opinions, and suggestions regarding this issue and show them to your wife. She is enabling her son to become my stepson, who is 36 and, while he has a remote (part-time) job, he doesn't have a car, doesn't have a permanent place to live, has no furniture, and feels totally entitled. The world OWES him. He's now mooching off of his mommy (again) and complaining that he can't go anywhere because he has no car and is too cheap to take an Uber. How did he get this way? His mother enabled him and pampered him and allowed all kinds of unpleasant behaviors. He is now barred from our house. Wouldn't even put his nasty dishes in the dishwasher here, and when we asked him to, he put them in there with chunks of food all over them (passive aggressive). Turned our heat up into the 70s and opened windows in the guest room where he was staying. But I digress. lol.
Your W needs to know that she is hurting her son rather than empowering him. What need does she have for this kind of dependence?
The typical turn up the heat
The typical turn up the heat then open the window in the winter to blow the smoke from the bong hits out the window. Baked dipshits have very little new material. They all do the same shit. Regardless of what Gen they may belong to.
Even with the advent of legality and edibles some of them are just too slimey to stop the grungy pot head reeking odiferous emanations.
I thought I would have
I thought I would have smelled that! It didn't even enter my mind!
Finally, the 3rd or 4th time I turned down the thermostat, I smacked the wall and yelled, "Leave the GD thermostat alone!!!"
Skids literally scrambled out of the house (imagine adults doing this--they were practically tripping over each other) and went for a walk in the dark. I had never raised my voice near or to them in the nearly two decades I had known them.
Well played!
Golf clap.
Locked thermostat covers work great as do web cams to nail the miscreants who jack around with the settings.
You need to set a line in
You need to set a line in stone here for your wife and her son. Her son is an adult who is capable of living independently. He has two options.
1. Live by the house rules and can remain for a period of up to one year. (and pay a market rent during this time)
2. Refuse to follow house rules and move out within 90 days.
Those would be the only two options..
Start charging him
And give a deadline for moving out. Im guessing your wife is a huge enabler. But if your finances are involved its time to take the hardline.
You don't have an SS problem,
You don't have an SS problem, you have a DW problem. The problem lies within her. I have a DD24 and I do not have some underlying issue that I would need her to be so stunted and unable to act her age. Normal parents would not allow it to get to that point that your SS is at.
I've been there done that with my DH. If it were up to him he would have loved to have lived with my adult SKs 33 & 35 forever. I went to buy a house and told DH he can come with me but there won't be room for adult kids. If he really needed to live with his adult kids forever, then he is free to do so, but I will have no choice but to move on. To prevent him from trying to have his cake and eat it too and string me along, I told him he had 48 hours to make an irreversible decision. If he chose to live with his kids, we're over because I will not be his booty call while he screws me and runs back to another house with his adult useless brats. I also gave the 48 hour deadline because it was clear that SS was not going to "launch naturally." He wasn't even close. He hadn't evolved since he was 10 and he was 23. I quit counting at 11 weekend jobs he quit or got fired from. He hadn't worked full time or gone to school or did a combination of the two since he graduated HS. The point I'm trying to make is that you have to go hardball and set clear deadlines and mean what you say. You will have to follow through with possibly ending your relationship. I had to get to a place where I was more afraid of continuing to live with my adult SKs for the rest of my life than I was of losing my DH. Unless a sparent gets to that point, they won't stand firm. However, if you're ready for that, it's time to play hardball and tell your SO that your SS is out within 60 or 90 days or whatever deadline you have or you'll be moving on. It's really not good for your relationship to still have a useless, helpless adult in the house who is getting the people around him to fall for his weaponized incompetence.
It's crazy to me that some
It's crazy to me that some parents would want their kids to be....well....losers, just to have them around. As a recent empty nester, i do miss my kids and get lonely sometimes, but i know it's a good thing. It means you did your job as a parent. Some things, like serious developmental delays or disabilities, can't be helped, but a person knows their children. You have to know deep down whether or not they are doing their best and becoming as independent as they can. This guy in the OP has a full-time job. If he has depression or anxiety, he may need help to get his life together but he will be happier for it in the long run. OP will be happier. If his wife won't, she may need some help to get her life together too.
We have been empty nesters
We have been empty nesters for 14 years. We miss ours. We are proud of the man he is. We love our empty nester years, but... we do miss our kid.
My parents want my bride and I to move in with them. We all get along great. As we progress toward retirement, that could be a definate possibility.
Kind of like a super lite
Kind of like a super lite version of munchausen syndrome by proxy. Rather than making your kid appear or believe that he or she is physically ill, help create in them an extreme feeling of dependence on you--as if they can't do anything on their own.
It may almost be like they
It may almost be like they "lose" their spouse relationship and replace it with the ever fulfilling devotion and reliance of their child.
My OSD was talking the other day about leaving her DH and was looking at a 2br home.. she has 2 kids.. and was.. Well.. would be ok because youngest 4 often sleeps with her. I'm thinking by 4.. kids need to start building independence.. I just kept my mouth shut.. lol.