I am jealous of a 7 year old
I am jealous of a 7 year old girl. I truly am. I end up telling myself I am being silly maybe one day my time will come. I could swear I’ve read on here someone else with the same feelings but maybe I dreamt it. Anyhow my SD7 who is spoiled beyond belief is sweet and funny and I love her. I really do. The other day when we picked her up she ran into my arms and said “I missed you!” Be still my heart! We have her 3 times per week. I am jealous of her though when it comes to my SO. I might as well be a fly on the wall when SD7 is here. Well wait, a warm body that cooks and cleans but otherwise a fly on the wall. There’s no possibility of adult conversation because a part of lil miss being spoiled is that she also believes the world revolves around her. Any adult conversation is interrupted by her. So i don’t even bother when she is here. The problem is that I am left disconnected. I work from home and my SO at job sites. When he comes home he needs at least 15-30 minutes to decompress. After that I need about 15 minutes of him face to face connecting about our day. That is out the window on days we have SD7.
Then cue in the affection and attention and utter love and doting my SO has for her and I am left feeling like “what about me”. It sounds silly but I would die for an ounce of that level of affection.
When he sees her his face lights up and he is all positive and happy and asking how her day was. He walks in the door here after work and usually throws his stuff down and says nothing to me…or at most “hey” with the tired defeated from the day look.
He is non stop cuddling and playing and interacting with SD7. If they are in the couch watching TV his arm is around her and she’s got her head on his chest.
What I wouldn’t give to see his face light up for me like it does his child or for him to want to be near me like he does her…for him to wrap his arms around me and squeeze tight and say how much he loves me.
That’s not to say he isn’t affectionate with me ever or that he can’t be sweet. It just seems in the crappiest of days he’s still in a good mood and loving and affectionate for her. And well damn I don’t know how to articulate it other than jealousy!
I really could not even be here when she is except they’d go hungry…
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Your SO is being an ass. He
Your SO is being an ass. He should know better. He probably does know better. I really don't like this. You aren't the hired help and you're not to be put on a shelf when his daughter is around and then taken off the shelf when she's gone. He is teaching his daughter that you aren't important and don't count. He has also put you in a situation where you look whiny if you say anything to him. But I think you should. Just plan your words very carefully.
If he wants daddy-daughter only time, he should plan that. Nothing wrong with that, but it shouldn't be every time she is there. You live there, too.
Well I did let him know I was
Well I did let him know I was jealous. I used that word as well but stated that I was feeling disconnected and unloved and how affectionate he is with her always I can't help but be jealous of a 7 year old little girl. I say it that way because I understand it sounds preposterous but it is truthfully my feelings. His reply was that my jealousy is out of control and the fact that I would be jealous of his little girl is "troublesome" and that it makes no sense to him. He feels as if I am telling him not to be that way with his daughter... Or that he should love her less and how dare I!
I also recently reminded him that he'd promised a get away just the two of us after we sold that last house (he's a builder) and it sold in mid Sept. I asked if he could possibly take a few days off before the end of the year. When he asked why and I reminded him of his promise for a get away he responded by lashing out telling me that throwing that on his plate only added to his stress.
He sounds like a self-righteous a-hole
And that he clearly enjoys your suffering, because in some sick way he feels validated by having his wife competing with his child for his attention.
Look up "DARVO" (Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim Offender) and all of a sudden his behaviour will make a lot more sense. It's just gross that he also uses a child to manipulate you.
You're not jealous, you're being set up to fail whatever you do. That uncomfortable feeling is your gut screaming at you. Tune into it and see what it's got to say under the most obvious "I miss his attention" explanation.
Well, that's discouraging. I
Well, that's discouraging. I'm thinking there are probably other traits about him that are inline with this kind of insensitivity and ridiculous defensiveness.
Research Mini wife
Your SO is making a common mistake called emotional incest. https://goodmenproject.com/families/youre-not-your-daughters-handsome-pr...
This article is really good.
This article is really good. Thank you! I could totally see him getting affirmation from SD7. How to have this conversation and articulate it in a way that he will be open to is another story but I will try... or in the very least get brave enough to send him the article IF he would read it.
Give him the article. Tell
Give him the article. Tell him to read it and that you want to discuss it after he finishes. This could be a major decisioning event for you depending on how he responds.
Take care of you, end this if he does not adult up, man up, partner up, and make you and your relationship the priority.
I suggest, then, that you let
I suggest, then, that you let them go hungry. You are NOT the maid and cook that he can have sex with. That is not a way to live.
Mini-wives do not easily let go of their power over their father. Fathers like the attention and in a weird and unhealthy way like the battle for his affection. Can these fathers change? They can, but it's very unusual and very difficult. You'll need the help of a therapist experienced in step family dynamics. It truly is not something you can do on your own.
I agree with MorningMia, you
I agree with MorningMia, you are being taken seriously for granted. I actually think you could show him what you wrote here and that would not be inappropriate. Along with your last blog on his hero complex - this paints a picture of a man who is unable to value his partner and is always focused on the needs of others, not yours. Your day will NOT come unless you let him know how you feel - did you grow up being ignored by other members of your family ? because this is what I suspect - that you put no importance on your own needs. He needs to know you are angry about this and will not go on tolerating it.
I agree. It does feel like I
I agree. It does feel like I am being taken for granted. Even Sunday our favorite breakfast spot was closed and he starts talking about food and what everyone may want. I'm not a big breakfast person. Usually the only time I do have it is on a weekend when we get it from that restaurant. Anyhow we ended going to the grocery store with SD7 and SS17 and them picking out various things. When we got home they literally all went and sat on the couch and left me in the kitchen. The bigger problem there I know is that I allowed it, perhaps enabled it and didn't say a word. I don't mind cooking but I am going to start resenting that it's expected.
My parents were quite nurturing but my own mom put everyone before herself and perhaps I'm mirroring that?
I should know better though. I've been here before.
What I'd have done was go and
What I'd have done was go and sit beside them and pick up a book/magazine waited for a reaction. When they ask when you'll be cooking, innocently say "oh, well, I figured that as you bought all that stuff for yourselves that you'd be cooking it for yourselves too." And go back to your reading.
They need to remember that you are not their maid...
While, yes, your SO NEEDS to
While, yes, your SO NEEDS to acknowledge your presence in the home and include you as a member of the household and as his SO, I agree with you that you should step up/in.
It takes practice: "Hey, SD, can you help me here in the kitchen?" (she might like that!)
"SD and I are going to make breakfast."
"Ok, SO, it's your turn to cook while SD and I watch this show. We're taking turns."
"SO, can you set the table?"
From the kitchen: "Hey, guys, I'm lonely in here and need help! Thanks!"
(Who's cleaning up? I generally cook; DH then cleans.)
"Hey, guys, I'm here!"
"Let's ALL x,y,z!"
The more "positive" your tone of voice sounds, the more engagement you'll probably get. Good luck!
Just remember
This will never change. You must have a talk with SO. Telling him about your demands. Being put in your proper place in the family. Or start making a exit plan.
'In most step relationships, there's always problems with the bio parents relationship with there bio kid. There a power thing between SK and SP. You have a right to be jealous. And remember SO is divorce, he not good at relationships to start with. Meaning he can't keep people in there proper you are not his child, he has to work on your relationship.
To quote Rags who is quoting
To quote Rags who is quoting someone idk, "Other than that, Mrs. Lincoln, how was the play?" Meaning other than treating you like dirt while he dotes on his daughter and other than going much farther out of his way than he has to to be a "hero" to BM, how is he? How often do you have SD? How often does he talk to BM about SD on days he doesn't have her? It sounds like SD and BM take up a lot of his time. How much is really left for you and your otherwise good relationship?
Also, he became angry and defensive when you brought it up. Big Bad SM picking on Poor Princess SD! This sounds like a load of crap. You can try counseling, disengaging, etc. but this guy sounds like he is very serious about being a crappy partner. The "my kid is my everything and my coparenting relationship with her mother is my other everything!" He already has 2 everythings.
ETA just looked and saw that he has another kid and another BM on top of this one. Some things can't be helped but his track record says maybe he isn't such a great partner.
I definitely stole it.
Though long, long ago and I am unsure who I stole it from.
Steal away!
What sucks is that the OP
What sucks is that the OP seems to really love SD or at least try to. But how long can this go on before she can't stand the sight of her? It's human nature to dislike someone or something if every time they are around, you get hurt.
I think these step-situations often pit people, and it's often women and girls, against each other. Some people make excuses and say men can be "clueless" or that it's common for men to expect women to manage family relationships. That may work in an intact family but it situations like this, Mr. Clueless (Mr. Dumbass) needs to wise up and manage his life and relationships better or he will be single and moving on to the next woman who thinks something is wrong with her for being jealous of a child. I realize the genders are sometimes reversed and women treat their spouses as paychecks/servants while doting on the kids, too.
I would say that he should be
I would say that he should be single. Anyone who partners with him should be in solely for financial gain. Since they wil not get their emotional needs or partnership needs met. They should go for his wallet and contribute nothing financially to the situation. He pays all of the bills. She enjoys vacations, the spa, shopping on his dime. Anything else is a waste of time for anyone partnering with him.
IMHO of course.
Your SO is one of those who
Your SO is one of those who needs firm clarity that his relationship with his mate is the priority. Not his relationship with a child. The equity life partners and their relationship are the priority. Period. Dot.
Children are the top responsibility. Responsibility and priority are two very different things.
I would make it very clear that this ends if there is to be an equity life partnership. You can not have an equity life partnership if you are the only partner who is all in. This does not mean he abandons his DD. It means he recognizes that kids are part of a marriage and family though they are not a party to the partnership.
As for you. Stop being jellous of a child. Be pointed with the child's parent who is supposed to be your mate. Kids need tp be put and kept in their place and that can mean making sure that the partner is put and kept in their place..... as your partner. You are not an afterthought so stop being his afterthought. If he cannot instantly fix this, them value yourself and get on with living your best life with this failed man, failed partner, and failing father and his baggage fading in your rear view mirror.
Living well is also the best revenge. So, go enjoy your life, learn from this shit show, and never settle for a partner of anything less than impeccable quality who will be all in on making a life of adventure and a love for the ages with you.
Good luck.
Take care of you.
Gross. Do not let your SO
Gross. Do not let your SO gaslight you and make you think you are being unreasonable. That kind of behavior, doting on and loving on his 7yr old while practically ignoring you is just so off putting that personally I wouldn't be able to be intimate with him after those kinds of displays. He can't expect an adult sexual relationship if he's throwing it to the side every time his 7 yr old is in the periphery.
Next time he wants sex, say your emotional needs must be fulfilled if he wants his physical needs met at all.
Well this may all be blowing
Well this may all be blowing up in the end anyhow. He can't seem to get over me being "jealous" of his daughter but won't have a real conversation about it or consider that what i am really saying is i feel disconnected and unloved. So far he's lashed out saying I need too much. I guess we will talk tonight when SD7 isn't here. I'll make it clear that I need to be a priority and lay out what I need and expect. Replying that I need too much already has me prepared for this to not go well.
Last night with SD7 here it was even more apparent his loving and doting as if to throw it in my face while completly ignorong me. He's mad becasue I need more from him?! This could be the end...I do know I deserve better.
He’s sees you
as a threat to his symbiotic relationship with his daughter. He doesn't want it to change, ever, and your observations may well have raised some questions in his own mind about the healthiness of their relationship. And he really doesn't want to go there. I don't think he would be so angry if this wasn't true.
And yes, you definitely deserve better than this. You don't need too much - he just doesn't have enough to give.
His response is to tell you
His response is to tell you you need too much and he would prefer you need less. He wants a wife appliance. It's all about him, his daughter, her mother. ETA i wonder why he and his BM2 broke up if his daughter is his whole world. Wouldn't surprise me if he treated her like he treats you, acting like his first kid and THAT BM were his "whole world." He's one of those parent martyrs who uses the fact he has kids to do what he wants then uses society's "kids first" attitude to make anyone who says anything about it feel like a POS. But it never was about the kids. That's why he was single when you found him. It's all about him. My uneducated theory anyway.
You should have kicked his
You should have kicked his ass out the door at "he lashed out".
End this shit show of shallow and polluted gene pool failed family drama.
Get on with living your best life.
A loving spouse would be
A loving spouse would be willing to examine his own behavior to try to understand your point of view. A loving spouse would be falling all over himself to make sure you know you are loved and valued.
Love is not finite. Showing love for a partner does not diminish love for a child.
Wife appliance, indeed.
Im sorry you are going through this
After reading your post, the comments and your responses, the following is true:
1. SD7 is his true partner and mini-wife. Even when she isnt there, hes not a spectacular partner. He gives all his goodness and attention and affection to her. This will not change, it WILL definitely get worse over time. One poster here observed physical incest with 20 yo SD, divorce quickly followed as he gaslit her and went into rage mode.
2. You arent married. How tied in are you with finances? Because it sounds like you are providing for their needs and they arent providing yours.
3. You need to have a solid exit strategy.
Well i didnt get the chance
Well i didnt get the chance to talk to him last night. He worked late and I've been sick and by the time he got home he was being sweet and I didn't just didn't have the energy. I don't want to sweep it under the rug because I know these feelings aren't going anywhere. I have a list of needs and will discuss with him this weekend and will know by his reply what my next steps are. Thank you all for your feedback and insight. It's validating to hear i am being taken advantage of and I'm not crazy to feel this way. All of your replies are so appreciated. I'll keep you posted
cheers
He was being sweet?
Remember that nice moments are an integrated part of abuse cycle.
Hope you feel better soon
So you can kick them to the curb sooner rather than later.
After re-reading your post and the comments, looks like, in fisherpersons parlance, you will need to throw this one back. Theres only so much space in the cooler, so much ice, dont waste your ice on the bad fish.