Patterns & patterns

Friends, I’m noticing a troubling pattern in my relationships and would really appreciate some thoughts.

I tend to evaluate myself first when things go wrong, asking for feedback and considering if I need to course-correct. However, when I see the same issues arising repeatedly, I worry that I’m missing something bigger—like not seeing the “forest through the trees.”

As many of you know, I’ve had a challenging relationship with one of my adult stepchildren and his wife, who, over the years, has seemed to feel victimized by everything I do. In other words, I can do no right. My intentions are always misinterpreted as negative, and after countless lists of grievances from both of them, I reached a point where I was done trying to “fix” myself to stay in their lives. The relationship has been one-sided from the start, and I’ve found myself constantly hurting their feelings—without ever raising my voice or name-calling. Yet, they seem to find offense in the smallest things: my “wrong vibe,” a neutral facial expression, or even how I greet them. The complaints are vague, never specific, and it’s left me feeling constantly at fault without knowing what I can do differently.

They even took me off their social media, which at first felt like a rejection, but over time, I’ve realized it was actually a relief. It was one less thing to navigate, and I’ve never brought it up to them since. They’ve also been upset by my social media posts—if I include them, they’re offended; if I don’t, they’re still upset. It feels like an impossible situation.

Here’s where the pattern gets more concerning: I have a similarly difficult relationship with my sister, who has a tendency to be very black-and-white in her thinking, driven more by emotion than facts. She often twists reality to fit her narrative and refuses to accept even concrete evidence of what actually happened. After hosting them for a week, I noticed many instances of disrespect towards me, though I didn’t say anything at the time (like when they made us wait for hours in a spot they never showed up to or refused to help with anything, including simple tasks my mother asked for). It felt familiar—like the same ungratefulness I’ve experienced with my stepchild and his wife. I found myself getting increasingly frustrated, but I chose to walk away rather than engage in a confrontation.

After the visit, I stayed silent, but then I received a text from my brother-in-law with grievances that were eerily similar to the ones my stepchild had raised. There were no specific actions to address—just vague accusations of needing to “protect” his wife (my sister) from me. I’m now being labeled as the “aggressor,” despite the fact that I had tried my best to be accommodating, even when I didn’t want them to come in the first place.

What’s even more frustrating is that one of their complaints—accusing me of “verbal abuse”—stemmed from a situation where my sister put words in my mouth in front of neighbors. I simply deflected the situation, but now they’re claiming I was abusive. This has been particularly hard for me, as I’ve tried to be incredibly careful with how I speak to them. I’m well aware that I can’t raise my voice or confront them directly without being accused of hostility.

The core issue seems to be the same pattern: I’m once again cast as the “aggressor” in a situation where I’ve been nothing but patient and accommodating. I’m stuck in this cycle of someone playing the victim (who’s actually the aggressor) while I’m left holding the scapegoat role. It’s exhausting and crazy-making, especially when I know my behavior doesn’t align with their accusations.

I've already gone no-contact with my stepchild and his wife, and it’s brought me a surprising sense of peace. Now, I’m seriously considering whether a similar approach with my sister and her husband would be the right move. I suspect it could bring the same relief. The complication, of course, is the kids involved on both sides. But I’m increasingly questioning whether it's worth it to continue maintaining these relationships for the sake of the kids when the emotional toll is so high.

So here’s my question: Do you see a pattern in these situations that I might be missing? What do you think the lesson is here? I am still trying to figure out why this pattern has shown up.

Final note: No one else who knows me, outside of these two examples, would describe me as aggressive, hostile, or mean. In fact, I’m often told I’m kind and considerate. So, I’m confused and frustrated that these specific relationships seem to paint me in such a negative light. I would really appreciate any insights or advice.

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In the larger context, have

In the larger context, have you had a good or bad relationship with your sister and her DH.. did her marriage to him change the dynamic?

If it is "just" these two sets of people, I would not be overly concerned and might make little attempt to keep up anything more than a superficial relationship with them.

It's odd that they considered you were an agressor.. and I guess you could ask the neighbor if they took what you said the same way.. if you really think.. "gee.. maybe I'm getting to be an old cranky person"

But, if it's just that these two people are overly sensitive.. or have some other axe to grind.. as an adult.. it's very freeing to actually chooose who you have in your life.

Solid points ESMOD, thank you

Solid points ESMOD, thank you. Bad relationship with my sister- it's always been difficult. Her DH follows her command, so I suspect his stating "I need to protect my wife" probably came from her but either way I'd say I don't personally feel much upside with these relationships for me. It feels like a constant giving on my end.

I agree- freeing is super important. I defintely felt that when I let go of adult SS and his lovely bride.

It is just these two relationships that this pattern exists. Sometimes it's hard for me to not think I am at fault when I see the same pattern happen again- I wonder what the universe is trying to teach me?

Without knowing the specifics

Without knowing the specifics of the complaints from your sister, it's impossible to tell. With stepkids, it's such a bizarro world that there are any number of ways you could be screwed from the start. With siblings, too, there's often a rivalry, but to know if that particular complaint is valid, you would have to know the details.

As someone who is often the opposite of an "aggressor" in relationships, i have seen from my (limited) point of view that stating your feelings and desires clearly may be seen as aggressive but it also leads to less bitterness and feeling "run over." I tend to assume the best, take more than i should, then just be done with people. I wish i could "clear the air" more in some relationships. I would ask for specifics and go from there.

I can give you a few

I can give you a few references from the past @Rumple:

An event where my sister squarely told a friend of mine "Imperfectly Perfect stated X." The statement described how I hated something that would obviously piss off my friend and offend her. I heard the statement and stepped in. I didn't feel comfortable stating "I did not state that." Because being direct about it would obviously hurt her feelings. So...I made a statement to redirect it into neutral territory and later on fixed the situation with the friend. THIS was the example that was used by sisters's husband to explain that she needs "protection from me." Typically, when these things happen I do not explain myself but I told him directly that the statement was not true and that is why I stepped in. I also explained that what I wanted to say was that no one should be talking on my behalf about what my opinion is especially if it will show me in a negative way and it is something I have not stated. I can speak on my own behalf. He didn't acknowledge this instead he dialed in stating that I am an agressor and verbally abusive. I want to note that I don't regularly (if at all) reach out to my sister unless I have to- so the fear of me intitating any kind of dialogue is almost zero and the thought that he needs to "protect her" from my communication is highly unlikely.

Another example: An event was held where I was requested to fly in and show up 2 hours before the start. I ran to get a cake for the event and I was 30 minutes late to the 2 hour set up time (not the beginning of the event, but just the set up.) Before being late, I called and texted my sister explaining the situation with no response (store opened at the beginnign of set up.) I debated what to do and decided to pick up the cake. I arrived to the set up with 1.5 hours to set up and cake in hand. She was surrounded by our family crying and pointed over at me and stated "You. You abandoned me." The entire family (except for my immediate family who knows this routine) was VERY angry at me- we're talking loads of aunts. I never explained the errand or the fact that the store didn't open until a certain time to go. I asked if she read her phone message and she claimed she "lost her phone." I didn't try to defend myself but that had a lasting impression on me and the family. In retrospect, next time I would have gone to the event first asked permission to go get the cake but this wasn't purposeful and it was treated as if I had done this on purpose to cause a scene. This event was considered so shameful a year later one of my aunts asked for an apology.

*This situation felt VERY similar to when adult SS got married- told me the wrong color to wear (he even gave me the swatch color which i matched perfectly) and then he let out a big angry monologue at the rehearsal dinner (that I also worked very hard to put on for him) about having the wrong color dress. It was in front of everyone just as I was done serving the dinner, thinking that everything was going to go alright at the event. He made sure to address his concern in a front and center position for everyone to hear. I never corrected him for this but I looked as if I had done this on purpose.

Recent behavior i have put up with that I do not even feel comfortable getting a response or apology for:

She showed up 3.5 hours late to a committment I was putting on - no apology, no explanation. We had all abandoned the event at this point, but she had arrived and we were placating her and her family. Everyone was afraid to bring up why she was late. And no one did- there was never an explanation to why.

She requested a special dinner for her and her family- I made this dinner and then came over and refused the dinner. Stating she and her family had already eaten.

We had events planned for each day for the entire family - she did not attend the events nor did she respond to messages asking if they would attend (the events were optional, but it was made clear that it was necessary for meal planning and ticket planning to know the total number of people.) She flat out refused to answer text or phones call from any of the family members asking. Also - this vacation was something that no one expected or even wanted her to be at. She was given an open invite but over the past 10 years has declined to attend so it was with great surprise that she attended. We typically bank on her not showing up and we don't miss her! She originally declined to attend and then last minute told me she is coming - it wasn't a question of if she could, it was an assumption that the invite still stood even though it was last minute.

In general, when shes around my friends and colleagues she will make blanket statements about what I state, think, do or etc. They are always unflattering and offensive, never putting me in a good light. I spend a lot of mental energy just ignoring it unless it really erodes my character and morality.

She will withhold her children from particular family members when she is mad at them.

I've made it this far reading

I've made it this far reading and want to add my thoughts. There is a pattern but it isn't your pattern, it's theirs. They deliberately put you in the position of whipping girl. The pattern is theirs, the blame is theirs.

Remember, it's okay to step away completely from people who want to force you into the villan role in their stories.

!

Yes, spot on!

Thanks Trudie - I hold your

Thanks Trudie - I hold your and @agedout opinions in high regard.

Thank you for your support

Thank you for your support and reflecting this back to me. @agedout I agree and that's the direction I am headed. I've been in this villian role with this sibling my entire life, she's just groomed her husband to be a part of the hate parade. Today I woke up, went to the gym and told my DH- I am not on this earth to serve everyone else and grovel in pain for other people's perceptions of me. I learned this lesson once with adult SS & bride. Once I did the tough choice to cut out of their lives my happiness barometer went up 10 fold (and I've never looked back. I don't miss the dynamic or them.) I think that might happen in this situation too. The universe is telling me it's time again to do this. I feel like a yo-yo of emotions but oddly I don't feel like I am grieving the loss of a relationship that was good or healthy for me. I feel like I am grieving what might have been. It's a new dawn, it's a new day and SOON I'll be feeling good.

Good gracious!

Your sister is dysfunctional! Please take her nonsense with a grain of salt and politely stand up for yourself. Silence is not your friend in these situations.

I agree with your wisdom here

I agree with your wisdom here @Trudie- the challenge is I suffer quietly and then sister and husband attack about some "slight" similar to adult SS - at that point I am pissed at the lack of insight on their part, they quite literally do not see how disrespectful they have been all along and now...they are complaining about something petty and claiming "big consequences" or "this can NEVER happen again." Then I unload @rags style - clearing the darkness into the light, speaking the truth and being assertive (and at times confrontational.) But what happens when I do this it allows them to double down that I am the bad guy - seeing it as reactive, negative and reinforcing their feelings even when facts are clearly laid out. We get no where. This is a never ending cycle of going nowhere so best thing is to never place myself in a position to spend more than a brief encounter (if necessary.) I can now use the excuse that since "allegations" have been thrown around about me it's in their best interest to protect themselves and so we should not be alone together and they should put strict boundaries to keep my sister "safe" from me. I do not actually think she fears for her safety but now that can be the excuse to be estranged.

It's not you, it's her. She

It's not you, it's her. She sounds histrionic.

Thank you @Rumple I do think

Thank you @Rumple I do think there's some sort of underlying mental illness or intellectual/learning disability. Her ability to read situations are very far from reality and even when confronted with facts (i.e.- witnesses, camera footage, etc) that gets thrown out the door. For years I have tried to figure out what it is. She also does a lot of splitting - black and white thinking and creating divisions with people.

Ex. I have two little nieces (not her kids) - I try to give them family heirlooms but sometimes I only have one of something so I have to either buy something new for one of them or do something else. It can't always be fair. I had given one niece a family heirloom simply because it was her exact size. The other one I bought something brand new for. She didn't know that I was in the room and she takes the one niece who got the new item aside and begins telling her "why did Aunt ImperfectlyPerfect give you this when your sister was able to get that? Why would she not treat you the same?" Knowing full well that I can't accomplish giving the same thing because there isn't two of this same thing. I was so angry and then the little niece is upset with her gift, believing it is not as good. This is the kind of behavior that goes on regularly. I would love to know what the mental illness is? I am fairly certain there is something there- maybe part of the DSM-5.

It would probably be under

It would probably be under the personality disorders. The symptoms tend to overlap each other so figuring out which specific one is hard. "They" think personality disorders are caused by a combo of genetic predisposition to emotional dysregulation and learned patterns of behavior. People with them are likely to have been abused or neglected as children but not always. She sounds histrionic ir borderline but hard to tell from limited info. Hard to tell even with all the info. In any case, she sounds disturbed and unreasonable.

Yes!

Research 'Cluster B'. Interesting stuff.

I am leaning towards a

I am leaning towards a borderline but you're right @rumple it's a bit of a gray area. I'll take a closer look at Cluster B - thanks @trudie. FYI she's not just awful to me - she is disparaging towards her mother in law (in front of a group of us she openly criticized her mother in law, shaming her as a grandmother for not doing x, y and z and claiming that she does not listen to sisters commands...this happened in front of 10 family members and her husband- we all sat silently.) This year, she defriended me off facebook - this will be her 3rd time doing this. If she was in her teens or 20s I'd say that's just the age/immaturity and that she would grow out of these behaviors but we're in our mid 40s and these things still happen almost in a cycle.

Where I come from

her "mental illness" would be called black-hearted shit-stirring. She gets some kind of a sick boost by making other people feel bad. There's no excuse.

@winterglow - thank you for

@winterglow - thank you for this. Here's the bizarre part the outside world (however not immediate family) views her as so incredibly nice and an amazing caregiver. It's almost hard to wrap your head around it - people will actually come up to me and say "she is one of the nicest warmest people I've ever known." I just nod my head and think - do we know the same person?

Re: Patterns

It would appear that you have a pattern of self-awareness, asking what your part is in a given situation and course correcting if necessary. This is a good thing! It has been my experience that most problematic people lack self-awareness and will project their issues on to other people; additionally, they do not generally like those who set boundaries and standards of behavior. What would be problematic is if you were asking for something you were not willing to give yourself. It doesn't sound like you are doing that.

When you were explaining the issue, OSD and my sister came to mind. Both alcoholics. Both extremely problematic. Both have a problem that I set boundaries. This is a key point to remember though.... Who doesn't like boundaries? Those who want to cross them! The problem lies with their behavior, therefore they are the problem. I will not apologize for holding people accountable for their behavior. I hold myself accountable, and I set a very high standard for my own conduct. What we permit we promote, both good and bad.

Thank you Trudie, this is

Thank you Trudie, this is very helpful. Can you tell me more about the boundaries you have with OSD and your sister? Was there a turning point in your life when you had ENOUGH and changed your behavior? How do you keep from getting so angry when they do foolish things?

The boundary was actually set on me- brother in law sent me a message stating that my behavior will not be tolerated and that I snapped on sister. Allegations of verbal abuse and behavioral problems were stated BUT not concrete examples that demonstrated abuse (I can assure you I do not name call, quite possibly the only thing is my tone of voice could have been stern when I heard my sister stating that I said X when I hadn't said X.) He told me that he has to "protect her from me." It really turns me around when I hear stuff like that - afterall I was the host. I gave word-for-word the dialogue that we had and the incident he was referring to- the substance in the dialogue does not match verbal abuse. In fact, I had the conversation on my camera system so I was able to quote my sentence and her statements.

...taking a minute to think about all this: Once I get to a point where I see my sister or her husband (or the SKID) looking to find a way to be hurt or as ESMOD wrote an "axe to grind" - that's when I don't have any patience left. I did NOT address their concern of her safety from the alleged abuse- in fact I didn't acknowledge his feelings or her feelings at all. This is where I struggle...technically the right thing to do is acknowledge to help de-escalate a situation. What I've found in my SKID relationship as well as my sister relationship is the feelings don't match the reality and in past when I have acknowledged the feelings then what they think is reality (in this case they believe she was verbally abused) actually happened. So I find myself never addressing their "issue" because I don't agree that there is an issue. Maybe in future relationships I should consider this by first coming in more empathetic and less defensive, but frankly I might be too zapped from these two relationships and the toll it has taken on me to do that. I am also worried that acknowleding a reality that did not happen might enforce the thinking that I did verbally abuse.

Another parrallel- Troubled SKID tried to allege abuse with me - he swam around it and insuaned it. I didn't deal with the allegation right away and it became more and more clear that he had convinced himself of a problem and felt very sorry for himself. One day he talked around the topic so I forced it to the surface and when I asked - WHEN did this occur? Please give me details- If an apology is owed I will deliver it. Also if I am hurting you then we really need a no contact situation because your health is important. He was given a chance to give facts- dates, times, what happened anything to prove his case and he didn't have any. He didn't even have enough time to drum up a lie. The problem with the sister situation is it comes from them to me and there's just enough information (but no direct facts such as ImperfectlyPerfect you said Y to her, it's stated as "you said something so horrific i can't even share it.") So a lot of times I feel like I am snuffing out the lie but the feelings that they feel are real- they really feel as if I have done something horrible.

You are welcome.

Hmmm, not sure where to start. I've been thinking about this since last night. (Side note, I did realize one thing that I have never realized before. My family was like a step family; my parents married when I was young and my 'dad' adopted me. The relationship was not like what we read here on this site. I was not the 'horrible SD'...my 'dad' was the abusive stepdad. I say 'dad' loosely. He was never a 'dad' to me and my mom just turned her head and pretended she did not see the abuse.)

My parents were partiers; it was my job to take care of my brother and sister, who I dearly loved. (I was way too young to be a caregiver, I still needed a babysitter myself.) My sister came to me when she was 18 and shared that she had a drinking problem. Assisted her into treatment. During family week, she blasted me with years of pent up feelings...she hated me! Part of her list...I was pretty, I was smart, I was popular, I had friends and boyfriends, I was a college graduage, I had a good job, I had a nice car, I was independent and lived on my own, etc. I was blindsided. I had no idea. Even after that, when she needed a place to live, I let her move in with me. I was a good, loving sister. I married and had children. She would call on the phone and vacillate between "I love you", tears, and nasty namecalling/accusations. I cut her out of my life for years. Then, I found out that she was abusing my teenage daughter via text. My daughter knew to block her, but had put up with it for a long time before telling me. (I wonder if my daughter triggered my sister? She looks just like me and was much like me. She was the golden child; easy to raise, high achieving, an all around great kid. Those traits have transitioned into adulthood. She is a very successful young woman; I am proud of her efforts and all she has accomplished.) That changed things, I will (and did) stand up for my child. My sister is now in her 50's. Neither of my adult children have a relationship with her; they have known since they were young what she was all about....dysfunction. A few years ago, she resumed her nasty phone calls to me. At family gatherings, she would corner me and call me names, insult me, etc. I just walked away, I have no energy to direct towards nonsense. I do not get in the mud. Then she would text me at all hours with nonsense, abuse, and nasty namecalling. I blocked her on Christmas day last year. She hates me. She is my sister; I love her and hope she gets the help she desperately needs. That said, I am unwilling to put up with her nonsense.

Enter OSD, I recongnized immediately what is going on with her...major dysfunction. I could smell it from a mile away. I survived my dad, my sister, and my ex-husband. I have done the work and will continue to do the work; years of therapy, informal research, formal education, etc. (I really went down the rabbit hole.) I have years of experience dealing with these behaviors, both personally and professionally; I have a zero tolerance policy for nonsense. It does not matter who you are, I will shut you down and I will do it with kindness, grace, and a smile. The problem with OSD, nobody had ever really said "No" to her before. That is not my problem. I say "No" and will continue to say "No". My DH has also learned to say "No". Before she even met me, she hated the very idea of 'me'...it did not matter who I was, she would have hated anybody who was in daddy's life. Again, not my problem. When she came out with guns blazing, I shut it down. The guns are still blazing. No worries, I stand my ground. I have survived far tougher than she, and I will continue to survive...and thrive.

I see some parallels between you and I, ImperfectlyPerfect. At one time I was a pleaser, I would just overlook nonsense from people. (I got this trait from my mother. It was because I wanted to be liked. When one grows up with an abusive parent who doesn't like you and the other parent does not stand up for you, one learns that they are not important and that thought carries over into other parts of one's life. No matter how popular or successful, there is the fear that people do not like you.) I thought it was me. What did I do? What do I need to do to fix it? Etc. Through therapy I learned that it was usually other people projecting and I was an easy scapegoat. I am sweet, I am tiny, I look like fluff. I am still sweet, tiny, and look like fluff...additionally I am now tenacious, but honest and fair. Do not mess with me. I will not dish it out, but I will not take it either. I do not ask for what I am not willing to deliver myself. Really the only people who have a problem with this are those who wish to do me dirty. (Like my sister and OSD. Do I need that in my life? No!)

I am not sure if you have ever gone to therapy? I highly recommend it. It saved my life.

I also hope you can see this for what it is...people behaving badly. It has no reflection on you. Blessings to you, I care.

Thank you @Trudie- this was

Thank you @Trudie- this was very insightful and helpful. I see a lot of similarities in our story with sisters too. Deep down I do think the sister feels she got a "raw deal in life" and is in constant comparison. It's kind of weird because growing up she was the pretty one, the very athletic one but I had the intelligence. As I grew into a young adult I went through a transformation and became very beautiful. But being the ugly one growing up was actually good for me (people would literally say "why are you so ugly and your sister is so pretty?") I felt I had to create a personality and be something more. Now I have it all. It sounds like you and your daughter didn't rely on your looks but went out and made somethign of yourself. My sister has had every advantage and she's done fine but something is wrong internally & it's no longer my job to deal with her or try to dim my light to make her feel better.

You are welcome.

I think maybe my sister feels she got a raw deal too; it's interesting though, because she was the favored child.

Work: I had a job outside the home from the time I was 14, sometimes 3 at a time (while in high school). My brother worked for the family business. My sister...no job.

School: I paid for my own college; it was paid for for both my sister and brother. My brother has a degree; my sister pretended she was going but she didn't, so that is on her as she had every opportunity. It really stuck in her craw when I obtained an advanced degree; I remember her making fun of me at a social gathering 2-3 years ago. I don't even think she realized that I didn't look bad, she did.

Growing up in my family was actually good for me too. I learned that nobody was going to 'save' me, that what I made of my life was up to me. My kids have a deadbeat dad; they, too, knew that their success was on them. Yes, I was there to teach them right from wrong, set/model standards of behavior, be their cheerleader, provide financial assistance, and all the other things that involved, loving parents do. (I had nothing to go by, I mostly did the opposite of my parents.) I wanted to do for them, and it was done with love. I am very lucky to have two successful, functional adult children.

Yes, my sister had every advantage too. I see her as broken and as much as I would like to, I can not help her with that.

As for looks...they are a blessing and a curse! (You know this, right?!) Something that is truly satisfying for me is the look on someone's face when they have underestimated me and learn that I am smart. It's priceless!

No! Never let anyone dim your sparkle! Shine on, friend!

Love this @Trudie! Yes- shine

Love this @Trudie! Yes- shine on ! In the end you won- you are happy, healthy, and have a wondeful relationship with daughter. I hope you keep your boundaries in place and don't let your sister drag you down. From what I am seeing you've done the hard work and you've carved a wonderful life for yourself. This makes me see there is a bright future ahead. In all honesty, besides the SKID and sister stuff my life is pretty amazing. I am hoping I can find a way to contain this pattern and not punish myself over it. I am on the path I just need to stay the course.

It sounds to me like you are

It sounds to me like you are a "good" target for bullies. Like you say, a scapegoat. I always say that indecent people rely on the decency of others to keep doing what they do. These people know you won't confront them so they feel safe acting this way toward you. I'd cut my losses and be done with sister and BIL, too.
Once people have their minds made up about you, there's little you can do to change that. I realized a while back that I was ok with some people thinking I'm a bitch. I know who I am. You know who you are. As long as we work to be introspective (and it sounds like you do) and are not holding onto denial, there's not much more we can do besides confront. . . or shut the door. And usually once it gets to the confrontation phase with some people, that door is going to shut, anyway.

Thank you for this sage

Thank you for this sage advice @morningmia- I was beginning to feel a lot of despair about all of this - and it's the exact feelings I get with that one adult SS and bride. Some people bring out the worst in you- the worst feelings. The feeling of hopelessness or constantly chasing to make it "right"- it's an endless hole and chase. They've decided I am bad/aggressor that is abusive and there's not too much I can do to change that perspective. Thank you for confirming about cutting the losses- for SO MANY years I was told by other people, "be careful, this is family. You have to keep this together." Well hear I am 40+ years later feeling exactly the same way I have felt since I can remeber - it's not healthy, it is unhappy for all of us involved and it's miserable. I am cutting my losses - I won't say anything to anyone I will simply low key fade out and refocus.

Ultimately, I deserve better and I know it.

I appreciate everyone's support- this has really cut me deep.

Well, remember that it’s family

why most people end up traumatised and in therapy.

Yes @banksiarose and I might

Yes @banksiarose and I might have to go to therapy to understand exactly WHY I have allowed these patterns in my life and how to recognize the role I am playing to let these things go on for decades.

Yes!

Wise words and good advice.

I agree- the wisdom of this

I agree- the wisdom of this group is gold. This experience really hit deep and learning from the wisdom of all of you is a life saver- quite literally.

W/out reading the other

W/out reading the other responses, & I will, I just wanted to say that sometimes it really is a them problem not a you problem. They look for and invent issues so they can pretend to be perpetual victims.

Thank you @agedout- after

Thank you @agedout- after reading through and a good night's sleep, this is it. They are perpetual victims. I know I won't be the only "agressor" in her life...but I certainly won't hold any more space for her. It's time, it's been time.

Some people just feel. They are being pick on

Treaded unfairly. My SGS is that way. On day like in his junior year of High School. He decided to try out for the Varsity Basketball team. He never played school BB. He was going against kids who played, 6 grade BB. JV BB. Kids who spent years playing learning there system. Kids who showed they really wanted to play and put the work into it.
'When of course, he didn't make it. It wasn't his fault for not playing the system. But being picked on. '
How do you deal with this ? Today life's challenges aren't his fault but just being pick on

Thanks for your personal

Thanks for your personal experience @Harry - I operate the total opposite of this mentality so it's taken me sometime to realize that I cannot be around people with that victim-mentality. It actually drives me ape sh** and I am trying to get better at seeing that stuff and giving these people a "wide birth" away from me.

Honestly,

Honestly I think every family has a version of these people. My family does, my partners family does, there's one of my children that is. I think if you're not abrasive, and are a peacemaker as well as no nonsense, they are triggered by you.

@Noway2b1, I believe you but

@Noway2b1, I believe you and if that's the case the science community has to find a way to identify and diagnose this in families. It's incredibly destructive and extremely hard to deal with. If this is how most families function then I really don't understand how families can stay together? We've managed a work around because she typically blows off attending any function that I put on but if this was every event and exposure everytime I had to be with the family I don't think many of us would be able to stick around. It's really bad.

As someone who is still

As someone who is still struggling with overcoming patterns in my life, I can say that to me it looks like you're reliving a pattern of injustice and/or being the scapegoat. We often have traumas: big Ts, which are the major victims of crime, violence, etc type of thing, and little Ts, which are the dynamics that create patterns starting in childhood.

Good on you for recognizing the pattern. And good on you for delving into it and teasing it apart. That's exactly what one needs to do to analyze it and figure out the core belief created so that you can stop attracting people who blame you for things you didn't do. You mentioned that you're done "trying to fix yourself," to get them to like you. That is something an abused person would say. So, I would hazard a guess that during your childhood you tried to comply and be extra good to get back in the graces of people you cared about who blamed you for things you didn't do.

There's a "template" I follow for dredging up deeply burried negative core beliefs that keep causing me to attract rotten male bosses who keep pulling me down. I knew I sang that song before so I had to do a total analysis on the pattern and it came from my narcissist dad who ruined everything I ever tried to go for and who constantly put me down and told me how much less-than I was compared to other girls. Yep! Totally have that in my workplace right now (except for major shake up that started last week).

So, when you experience something and do a deep dive, you don't have to remember the first incident that caused the pattern. It may be that a person was too young and can't remember. But, no matter, as it's the pattern that counts as every time it happens that core belief is being triggered. Well, when the first incident happened, the child made a decision about themselves: the core belief. That's part one of the equation. Part 2 is that the child was likely "not allowed" to process it, cry, grieve etc. They're often told by the adults, especially the ones who caused the negative pattern, to stop crying and being a baby or I'll give you something to cry for. So, we never really processed the grief. It lives in our bodies and we keep attracting the pattern until we can fully feel it, greive it, cry our tears or punch the living fuck out of a heavy bag until we can truly release it. We also have to figure out the core belief and come up with an opposing affirmation to overwrite it in our subconscious.

This "template" works like magic. It's unbelievable the changes you see in your life when it starts to work. The people guilty of it either suddenly stop doing it, or they leave your life. The way that happens is like paranormal sometimes. I started working on the pattern of attracting male bosses who pull me down and let me know how less-than I am compared to others, especially women. Well, we just had a great shake-up starting last week. Head Hauncho, who I've blooged about is leaving us. Today is my last day that I'll ever see him. Bully Boss got in major trouble yet again, New Guy is off sick but we were able to have a major talking session and it healed a lot of things for me and he knows where I stand. Two more people are leaving. All of this happened since last Thursday.

I would be curious about you haveing narc parents and your sister being the golden child while you were the scapegoat.

Oh, and only you can figure out your pattern. It can look like one thing to others and people might tell you what it looks like but only you can really name it. It can be really hard though.

If you're interested, I can send you some links to a shadow work mediation I often use.

This is incredible @Evil4.

This is incredible @Evil4. Please send me the shadow work meditation - it's exactly what I had in mind for my healing. I am ready to ditch this pattern and I am seeking good resources. I will PM you - thank you!

You have a lot of wisdom and insight - I really appreciate hearing about your pattern and where it stems from. I've also enjoyed reading your entries on this site. Thoughtful, introspective and helping/sharing with the rest us learn from your discoveries.

My parents are incredibly good people - that's the interesting part about all this. They were excellent. My sister wasn't a golden child - my parents were pretty conscious of trying to be equal, almost to a fault. When fights would break out between us there was a level of neutrality that took place- they wouldnt take sides even if one side was obviously in the wrong. I am still digging all this up in my mind but I think I was a kid that was very hard on myself and felt deeply when I did wrong. I am working very hard not to take on the blame and responsibility - I find that I am wired to be hard on myself and constantly trying to be better or when a situation shakes out like this one, I search and search for what I can fix in myself and what i did to contribute to the problem. I believe my sister didn't learn or look within herself when things went wrong and instead allowed for me to absorb it and found ways to externalize the blame. What this might have led to is a lack of insight into her own behavior and an understanding of her role in problems. I have never found a way to actually solve an issue with her. The typical pattern with her and other people she has conflict with is for her to ignore or delete the person from her life (permanently or temporarily) and re-emerge later on as if the problem never happened. Things never resolve and everyone moves on.

I Agree With The Others....Not YOU

You've just had the unfortunate luck of dealing with two humans who are mentally unstable. I'll skip the SS but your sister is sick and behaves much like a friend of mine's sister. It's been a life of hell for my friend.....she just keeps her distance and several times in their lives, have gone no-contact.

Great advice in the comments...I can't add much more except take care of YOU and remember, mentally ill people can function in life and "look" normal. Doesn't stop their horrid behaviors. They can also draw others in to believing their madness, as your BIL and family members. I suggest going no-contact and when event happen that you cross paths, a simple "hello" and keep your distance. If she says things you over hear that are wrong, address it with the person at a later time. That's about all I got.

I'm sorry you are dealing with this. Sad, as good humans. these crazy people in our world can make us begin to think we are the problem when clearly, we are NOT. Hugs.

It is actual hell @CajunMom.

It is actual hell @CajunMom. It's a very punishing relationship and there is no win-win. I have really reached down deep inside me to figure out what I could do differently to the point where I opened myself up to believing the reality for awhile in order to understand. It was a very disorientating experience and I always go back to the stern facts now whenever I am dealing with her. Your advice and your friend's experience really highlights the direction I need to go.

I grew up thinking I was the bad one - I lived for a long time believing still I was bad. It's taken me a very long time to realize I am not bad - I am ImperfectlyPerfect. Thank you for your encouragement and as always your strong guidance - hugs to you too.

To everyone,

I really want to thank this group personally for listening to this. This has been a life long hardship for me and it's cut deep. I really needed a sounding board and I hope you know that your support brought me to tears. The advice here I am listening to and I am going to make life changing decisions that are good and healthy. Thank you very much - I've really needed this sounding board. I am just very grateful - albeit a little depressed, I do not feel that depth of despair that I was feeling. Thank you for being supportive and walking me through this. This was more than I could have ever asked for. With gratitude and a lot of love, ImperfectlyPerfect.

I also believe.

If you are empathetic, (I am) you take on others blame, I learned that it's sometimes easier to blame yourself than what others are actually accountable for, you yourself said it. If it's me, I want to look at it, figure it out, and find a way to fix it. Why? Because there's comfort and sanity in that, it's controllable. I've had to do a lot of I introspection on why people treat me differently than I expect. It is because I'm nice, understanding and helpful. Those people who are as you've described, detect that, hence, they may only treat you that way, because they perceive YOU as the whipping boy, scape goat, or path of least resistance. I've often said, I'd rather be the one taking it, than dishing it out, but, there is only so much I do take, until I set a boundary. That's when things with these sort of people get sticky. Decent folks don't get upset when you set a boundary, if you even have to with them.

Thanks Noway2b1, I am an

Thanks Noway2b1, I am an empathetic person but with the sister and brother-in-law I am no longer that way. Even the recent allegations - typically I would try to work through this with a person. In this situation I stated the facts and didn't address their "issue" whatsoever. The problem is that even with stating Person A said Y and Person B said X - and this is all recorded so it's exactly what was said it does not matter. The only boundary I see in place is to do what I've done before which is a low to no contact situation and as you said attempt to set boundaries (quietly, I don't even announce I am doing it.) Oddly, when I try to set boundaries they ignore them but when they set boundaries on my percieved "behavior" that seems to be the only way to keep them away- by literally having them keep themselves away.

You & your accommodation of the toxic is the common denominator.

IMHO.

Rather than the aggressor, you are the accomodator. Stop that.

Flip your script. Stop accommodating and start immediately matching their energy and message. That is not the aggressor, that is the responder. Make it fact based pointing out that their feelings are not factually accurate then... bare their asses.

"You come to my house, make a mess, do not engage in solving our mother's request, then leave and blame me for your feelings. That, is immature, untruthful, and your problem. Stop attacking me for your issues. Grow up."

They interface with you on your terms not theirs. Be clear. Be direct. They deliver or they are immediately confronted with their failure to behave, contribute, etc, etc, etc...

Passive aggression is aggression none the less and they are definitely initiating any aggression. Make them feel the pain of their choices. When they try to respond, go gray rock, put a mirror in front of them and lead them through the clarity of their choices and the consequences. Do not tolerate their targeting of you. They are all bullies. The solution to a bully is an immediate and overwhelming response to their aggression.

Lather.... rinse.... repeat.

Clear, factual, puts the onus where it belongs, and you are not the aggressor. You are the responder. Be far better at responding than they are as aggressors. Think and act with your brain and not your feelings. Let them learn that their feelings are due to their actions and aggression and even their passive aggression will bear consequences.

Free yourself from their crap and live well. Living your best life is also the best revenge. Let their fee fees process that. Defend assertively when they passively or actively play the aggressors. Keeping that label applied to them consistently.

@Rags, check out this

@Rags, check out this statement I wrote a day ago. I totally pulled a Rags and brought the "incident" to light by literally word-for-word the dialogue exchanged which was a total of 2 sentences. It does not seem to matter if you bring the facts and bare their a**es they still believe a false reality.

" I unload @rags style - clearing the darkness into the light, speaking the truth and being assertive (and at times confrontational.) But what happens when I do this it allows them to double down that I am the bad guy - seeing it as reactive, negative and reinforcing their feelings even when facts are clearly laid out. We get no where. This is a never ending cycle of going nowhere."

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