I have only negative feelings towards my girlfriend's son (long, sorry)

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My girlfriend and I have been together for 3 years now, I'm 30 and she is 37. She is diforced from her ex-husband and describes him as a narcissist, physically and mentally abusing her for 4-5 years of the 6 they've been together. She has an 8 year old son and he is the sole reason for my anxiety as of the past year-year and a half.

When we first started dating, he was nice and polite, but I soon found out that it was just an act, as with all his social interactions. People really like him at first, he is very outgoing and always the center of attention. Once you get to know him however, things are very different. Later, my GF confessed, that he has been a problem since birth, clinging to her, problems in kindergarden and now in school. For the first year or so, I haven't taken an active part in parenting, I thought he is hers and I don't need to get in the way. They were arguing all the time, I can't remember even one occasion, when he was told something by his mother and it didn't lead to an escalation, and after some time(a year or so), I got tired by all the conflict and the way he was treating my special other, so I started to interfere.

At fist I started lecturing him on the treatment of his mother, but it was like he was lacking basic empathy and even if I got him to understand something, I couldn't hold his attention for more than 5 minutes. After that I treid rewarding him, taking him to nice places, buying toys for him, getting his favourite meals from time to time, but at the cost of doing something for the household. That failed as in the moment he hears what the reward would be, he ignores all else and start repeating that he wants that said reward, he even escalated on two occasions to the point when his mother used physical punishment to make him stop. When that failed I started implementing chores. He had no chores to this point, so I started implementing some structure, chores, bedtime and failure to do so, would result in some sort of soft punishment like no phone for the next day, no TV, no dessert or so on. But everything was met fierce resistance and when I wasn't around his mother usually caved to his demands. My only motive was to have some peace in the house and to relieve my girlfriend of the tension of having to deal with him, but now, I feel like I turned into the bad guy in this situation.

Needless to say, that failed, as at this point he is punished all the time. We've reach a state where she blames me for being too mean to him and that he has no joy left in his life. When he is around other relatives or me, he is somewhat managable, as he knows, that if I threaten him with something, I will go though it, but he is a menace around his mother, as he knows, that if he bullies her long enough, he will get what he wants. We've had a couple of situations, when she is really upset, to the point of crying and he keeps harassing her. His father is one of the main reasons for out conflicts, as most of the acts of aggression, conflicts and so on, are instigated after the kid returns from spending an extended amount of time with him.

At school, things aren't any better, as I mentioned. Every week, he comes back with notes of bad behavior, not paying attention, or lack of homework. He is lazy, eats like a pig, never takes responsibility, always blames the others, takes everything for granted, he says thank you only when his mother makes him do so and repects no personal boundaries. He even told his cousin once that his medical conditions are more important than his, after taking a water bottle from him.

For the past 2 months I got really mean to him and I said some harsh things, which resulted in me having no authority in the house anymore, I can't make him do anything, as he responds with "I will ask my mother", once I even asked him if it matters who gave an instruction and he said "Yes". I still have 100% of my old responsibilities however, like taking him to school from time to time, taking him to the dentist, taking him outside and so on, which recently I stopped doing, I also stopped cleaning after him and washing his clothes and told my GF that I don't want to have to do anything for him anymore. He complaints to his other relatives that I hate him, he also worships his father, to a point of describing his as an angel, even though he knows that his father has hit his mother in the past and that is the reason for her leaving.

For the past month, we've been visiting a psychologist, but that didn't help, it even got things worse, as now my girlfriend blames me. The psychologist said, that he needs unconditional love from both of us, he needs to like me so he could respect my authority and to be given the freedom to do as he pleases. The thing is, what pleases him the most, is crossing personal boundaries, as that child thrives in conflict. One of the harshest things I told him, which was also infront of his mother was something in the lines of: "People who have inability to take responsibility for their actions, to respect personal boundaries and to accept "No" for an answer, are bullies and eventually turn into criminals, rapists and worse". At this point, I harbour only negative feelings towards this boy and I don't think something can change. I feel that my girlfriend is parenting out of guilt.

I love my girlfriend and she loves me. She has told me that she feels safe and calm around me and regreted not following her dreams when she was yonger and since we've been together I've motivated her to start unversity and to follow her dreams, but I fear that if I leave her, she won't be able to manage him, both mentally and financially and she will give up on her dreams. I also wanted to start a family with her and have a kid of my own, I was even prepared to stop working for 1-2 years so I can help with the care for the baby, but I'm not sure this is the best enviroment for a baby and by the time her son leaves our home, she wouldn't be in the appropriate age for having children anymore.

I am not the same person as I used to be. I used to be calm, balanced and unemotional, but now I'm angry most of the time, escpecially when he is around and start to get anxious an hour before I know he will be home from school or his father. I even got to a point where I'm isolating myself, playing on my laptop or listening to music alone. It is also affecting my work as a doctor.

I'm at the end of my rope here. I've recently started working abroad and I feel a sense of peace and calmness when I'm not at home. I'm thinking about leaving the relationship when I get home in a month. The main reason for starting this topic, was mainly to vent out, but I would also like an advice or two on how to handle the situation and if I do leave her, how do I do it in the most civilized way?

Again, apologies for the long post.

Welcome to the site!

You have tried hard to be an active step parent and be involved with your SS. However, I'm afraid all your good efforts are doomed to failure because of his mother. The point at which this became clear was:

"When he is around other relatives or me, he is somewhat managable, as he knows, that if I threaten him with something, I will go though it, but he is a menace around his mother, as he knows, that if he bullies her long enough, he will get what he wants."

His mother is an ineffective parent because she is unable to enforce boundaries or her authority as she is afraid of her son, or afraid of losing his love. I think you may as well throw in the towel and tell your partner it is because of HER parenting that you are leaving. This is the honest thing to do, don't worry too much about softening the blow. You are still young enough to find someone else and have a family with them. Don't keep beating your head against a brick wall.

These are WISE words by Kes.

These are WISE words by Kes. Listen to them.

RUN!! you are a young man, with a future and it will be ruined by a manipultive spoiled brat spwan and a mother that has no backbone (the Disney Parent syndrome!!). The older they get the more dangerous and entitled they become, and the bio parent becomes softer and softer...

Trust me, you will be miserable, and your household will be HELL. Get yourself a nice young woman with no baggage - carrying other people's spoiled children is a heavy burden... you look like you believe in a child's discipline and achievements and does not tolerate mediocracy... and you can't apply this to your GF's little demon... RUN!!

I think the bottom line is

I think the bottom line is that at 30, you are young enough to find a partner without the baggage.

Her son sounds difficult and you have decades of dealing with him in front of you.

His mother has not been an effective parent... and unfortunately, the therapist is a bit right in that if you don't have a "connection" with the child.. the "correction" only breeds resentment. I'm not saying you should be all "unconditional love" with the kid.. but it was his mom who needed to hone her corrective parenting skills.. not have you try to take over when you only had a minimal amount of history with the boy.

Unfortunately.. it would take a lot of work to "unring" the bell of some of the mean things you have said. It would take a lot of work for you to not jump to every conclusion that is negative about the boy. It will also take a ton of work for his mother to learn how to effectively parent her son. Clearly she has allowed him to feel he is on equal footing.. arguing with her as if they are peers. He needs to understand FROM HER... the reality is she is parent.. he is child.. she has authority.. he does not..and she doesn't need a reason to tell him to do something.. he must do it.

But.. will that happen.. I highly doubt it. and that is why this might be a good time to realize this is not the relationship for you. Three years.. you learned that it won't work.. not because of her son necessarily.. but because she is not able to be a good parent and has not raised her son well.. and probably won't change.

Sounds like the kid needs to

Sounds like the kid needs to see a different psychologist (or a psychiatrist), but in reality this is not your issue, although it seems like you slipped into this vortex of crazy. You sound just a bit codependent--a term that isn't used that much anymore. . .like you are a fixer (welcome to the club), and end up putting others' needs and issues ahead of your own. So, I think it's a good thing that you are considering leaving this situation. It does not sound like staying would be a winning choice.
I would tell her that you need peace in your life and you have chosen to pursue that. Set a date to move and do it. It won't be easy, but it will be extremely beneficial for you. Best of luck! (Keep us posted!)
Remember: You are not responsible for GF getting a degree or pursuing her dreams. You are not responsible for "fixing" a child that is not yours. It's not fair to you that you end up feeling angry all the time.

So you are spending your money

On a psychologist, who saids you must kiss the kids ass. Drop the loser. This kid needs a full mental health work up. With a DR. to find out what's wrong and developing a plan . Then you must find a psychologist Who can actually do something,, not pass the buck. Remember all these people [the school] can't be wrong. There something not right normal about SS.

Absolutely this^^^^

Psychologists work for you. If they are not delivering, fire them and find one who can deliver. That does not mean one who will tell you what you want to hear, but one who will work with you to define the issues, then develop the plan and work the plan to address the issues. When a Skid is part of the discussion, far too many of the pseudo-science types lose touch with reality and go all love the kid through it rather than working the problem.

I was extremely fortunate to find a no bullshit therapist to work with when my XW and I were working on marriage therapy. There was no analysis in my selecting that therapist. It was pure luck. I worked through the Yellow Pages (actual book) called several, and found one I could afford. It turned out she was a rockstar who had her Masters and was a PhD candidate. So I got her cheap before her PhD was conferred. For 6mos my XW and I met with the Doc weekly. Until the last session when the Doc said that now we would start addressing the intimacy elements of our relationship. My XW stood up, prounounced "I don't have a problem with sex!" and walked out never to return.

The Doc then became my personal therapist for the next ~5mos until I went for my last session. That is when she told me something along the lines of "It is time for you to go live your life. Of course, you can keep seeing me if you wish. However, if anyone one had told me that this young, energetic, passionate, dynamic man with a childlike zest for life was the same sullen, defeated, morose, man who walked into my office 10mos ago I would call them crazy." Yep, she said crazy. She was my miracle. She helped me rediscover the man I like being.

I hope that the OP can find the man he likes being and go live his life. A hell spawn catering therapist is not adequate to help him get there.

IMHO and experience of course.

Welcome, I hope you find this to be a good place for support.

First, what you said was not mean. It was truth. People who demonstrate the behaviors that your hell spawned shit behavior perpetrating failed family progeny SS-8 are the feed pool for all of the behaviors you mentioned when you confronted the kid's behavior.

Now, WEB CAMS! Then every evening review the footage and have shit behavior review hour with your GF and her shit spawn every night. "My dear, How does it make you feel to watch how he speaks to you?" Make the hell spawned POS failed family breeding mistake sit there while you disect his every behavioral infraction on the daily recording. Your SO will not recognize the facts until you rub her nose in them constantly. Even then, it is highly unlikely she will recognize them or admit to the shit that she has progenated.

Please do not polute your gene pool with this failed mother. You have to care more about your future spawn than to do that to them.

I understand your frustration as well as your hopes and your dreams. However, the nightmare is reality and it will never end. No matter how much you dream. It may change, there will be ebbs and flows, but, you will be forever stuck with this dynamic if you do not end it now and get on with your life.

I married a single mom. The primary difference in my situation and yours is that we met when SS-31 was 15mos old and married the week before he turned 2yo. My DW was already pursuing her education and we made that the primary goal of our marriage for the first 10 years. She finished a dual major undergrad, grad school, and a top tier professional certification. I did grad school and a professional certification myself. We made together our goal and that is how we raised a man of character, honor, professional standing, and who is a self supporting viable adult. We set and enforced standards of behavior and standards of performance. Our son never knew anything else. So we did not have the struggles that your 8yo hell spawned Skid brings to your relationship and life.

My DW nor I woud not tolerate anything less than a relationship as equity life partners which made us equity parents to any children in our marriage, regardless of kid biology. I never had the in and out, in and out, in and out, dance as a parent. I was SS's parent and for damned sure I trumped his Spermidiot. Period. Dot. If DW and I disagreed on parenting or discipline we discussed it and compromised. If she took the position that she did not like how I was parenting or disciplining I made it clear. "If you don't like how I am parenting and disciplining then step up and get it done effectively before I have to or have my back until we can discuss it in private." The key word in all of this is "effectively". Your SO is a parental failure and thinks that effective parenting makes her failed family crotch product unhappy and takes away his joy. What she is missing is that his joy is obtained through abusing her. Just like his idiot father did.

You can't fix this and I for one would not stick around to see the woman I love abused while she refused to protect herself. Better to take the hit, move on, and find a partner who cares as much about herself, about you, and about the life you make together as you do.

Be kind to you.

The key to a successful

The key to a successful relationship in a blended family is that the BP allows the SP to discipline as a parent and align on expectations and performance requirments for the children. Disney parents want SPs to take care of all the Skids stuff like cooking, school transportation, events, b-days, etc., but with no right to discipline. The f$#k with that!!

Thank you all for the advice

Thank you all for the advices! I will post an update in a month.

I recently experienced a 12

I recently experienced a 12-year severe bullying situation at work. It went on for so long because of the "just love him to death" bullshit that your SS' therapist said. It's quite common for steps to be even more damaged by counsellors who aren't specifically trained in blended families. Also, if your SO's ex is a narcissist then the likelihood of your SS being a narc is very high.

Run fast and run far. You're a year younger than I was when I met my DH and I settled because I was co-dependent and figured if I didn't grab the crumbs of a divorced dad with feral brats I'd end up never marrying. Here we are 28 years later and despite tons of therapy for myself, some intense therapy for my DH and a recent long haul in marriage therapy for both of us, not a day goes by that I don't regret marrying a man with kids, especially one who was a narcissistic child and who is fully blown personality disordered today in her mid 30s. I had an ours baby and she has sustained some emotional wounds from the shit show of the family she was raised in and I am fully to blame for that because I didn't leave when I questioned the situation many years ago. Please, I beg of you on behalf of your future child, to gtfo and do it yesterday.

Please come back to update us when you can say you've found a wonderful woman and are starting a family.

You are 30. And a doctor. Why

You are 30. And a doctor. Why do you put up with this? Something tells me that when you "got really mean", it wasn't actually that bad or any worse than most parents of bio-kids have done. We've all been pushed to our limit. I mean, unless you said something like "you are the worthless r-word spawn of a loser and deserve to die" or something like that. But it wasn't, because you are posting here and obviously feel bad about whatever it was you said. Anyway, if your gf doesn't have the desire or ability to take control of her frigging *8* year-old, it doesn't get any better when he is bigger and stronger and actually able to do damage to you or her physically. If he is ungovernable, he will not finish school or have the self-discipline to be a functioning adult. You and your gf will be taking care of his ungrateful self forever. And it sucks, because this child will end up hurt in the long run if he can't learn to be a functional person.

Your therapist is mailing his work

All that schooling and he sitting there telling you " it's your fault ". I can't do anything your SS needs unconditional love from both of YOU. please send the $200. First of all you are not the parent you can't give unconditional love. SECOND unconditional love doesn't mean SS runs a muck and you just love him. THIRD. Loving SS means you turn SS into a functional adult.
like training a dog. Frankfurt and or a 2x4. Sitting on SS to behave is loving him. It's a harder love then a bad of M&M's.
REALLY,, you must have a heart to heart talk with yourself. Your SO Hasn't change in 8 years, you know it's only going to get worst. SS will try to keep you and your SO fighting so he can fall through the cracks of life. IS THIS the relationship you want ?

Five month update

So, here is my update on the situation almost five months later:

One month after the post, in the beginning of August, I decided to rent my own place and try to maintain the relationship. We found a really good clinical psychologist, who informed us that the kid has early signs of borderline personality disorder and that this condition could be manageble with psychotherapy, but couldn't be resolved. She(the psychologist) also told me that the kid will never accept me or anyone else as a competition for his mother's attention. I continued visiting the psychologist for solo sessions and she told me that this relationship isn't to my benefit, not financially nor emotionally and that her son will eventurally start bullying his own mother when I am gone, which honestly broke me.

Two months later, sometime in the middle of October, out of the blue, my GF told me that her son hates me and that we couldn't be together anymore. Honestly, this is the first breakup I've ever had that leaves me feeling euphoric in the first month. However, some nastly negative feelings, including regret and grief, started creeping in on me for the past couple of weeks. I am still visiting the psychologist as she helped me immensely with my own issues.

Moral of the story is:

1. Do not date single mothers, unless the biological father is dead and the kid is yonger than 2-3 and a girl.

2. Being a psychologist is just as responsible as being a doctor and choosing the wrong one, could really f up your mental health.

3. Every future parent needs psychoterapy or some basic psychological evaluation before deciding to have a baby, as it is entirely possible that you or your partner aren't fit for parenthood.

P.S. Sadly, children who grow with one active parent obviously aren't socially and emotionally developing well, so big Kudos to men, who sacrifice their own peace and ambitions to raise someone else's kid. The world has enough damaged people. It's just not my cup of tea to pursue this further.

I think the moral is a bit

I think the moral is a bit more complex.

1. Don't date single mothers who are not parenting their children. She set you up for failure and her son logically resented and grew to dislike you because you were bossing him around per se.. telling him what to do.. and it was not the same as when a parent does it.. correction without connection breeds resentment.. a parent with bio inate love can parent.. kid still loves them normally.. in a step situation..you don't have that connection.. so you shouldn't be in the position to mete out chores.. punishments.. "parental" stuff. your EX did not raise or parent her child. .. that was a problem.

2. Children with people who are disordered.. have a large chance to be disordered.. sounds like the bio father may have left his mark in that gene pool.. so when they tell you their EX was narc.. abusive.. addicted.. the chances are the mental illness that drives all that is partially present in their offspring.. and that doesn't even wrap in the damage done to kids raised by those people.. what they see and experience.

3. I agree that there are good drs.. bad drs.. and the wrong one can cause more harm than good.. if you don't improve with reasonable expectations.. then get a 2nd opinion.

4. yeah.. everyone should automatically be on some kind of permanent BC (men and women).. that is onlly reversed when they can prove that both the prospective parents are ready and able to be parents. mentally fit for the task.. financiallly fit for the prospects of raising the kids.. but alas.. that is a bit 1984 orwellian. it would not ever be possible.. haha.

5. Sure, being raised by one parent alone can have the risks of certain dynamics being set.. the parent will often satisfy their emotional needs with their children.. and it goes on for years.. then when a partner comes in.. it upsets the mix.. and just like the guy who has a teen SD sleeping with mommy on the couch.. thereare codepencies that can develop in an unhealthy way. I would also say that the MEN usually have it a lot easier... in general women are the ones that get roped into actually raising and caring for their skids.. men may come in and provide some financial support.. throw the football with timmy.. but most of the time they aren't being asked to actually take care of the kid.. women are much more likely to be in that role.. and then you have an ex who is jealous of a woman trying to take her place in their child's life.. women have it much much worse.

I'm not discounting your experience trying to do what you thought was the right thing for this child.. but usually women are still in that homemaking role.. men aren't.. so women are shoved in to cook, clean, keep house over the kids.. dad just goes to work.

Your DW. did an ineffective job of

Parenting her son. She actually doesn't know what to do with her son. It's easier to blame you then learn how to parent. When you have kids you want to have fun with then. Weather you do something educational, or sports , or just fun amusement park. DW because of her inefficiency , isn't having fun.
You just can not be living with a 8 yo and not parent him. Unless there something mentally going on. It should be easy to change SS. It just takes time and effort. The problem is DW isn't putting time or effort in for the past 8 yesrs

The points of your moral to the story are mostly my experience.

1. Do not date single mothers, unless the biological father is dead and the kid is younger than 2-3 and a girl.

In my experience it is far more complex than this. My SS-32 was 15mos old when his mom and I met. We married the week after he turned 2yo. Sadly the SpermIdiot was and still is not deceased. 30 years later.... Even worse, SpermGrandHag is still above ground. She was our particular cross to bear.

None of the history makes my bride any less spectacular intellectually, regarding character, or as my equity life partner. I am truly blessed and continually enamored with her elegance, character, wicked smart mind, and how incredible of a mother she is to her/our kid. She was a single teen mom when we met. She was incredible mom from his birth and I am blessed that she chose me to be his dad.

Settle for nothing less than a brilliant mate of character and their prior breeding status, or lack of it, is irrelevant to making a life of adventure and love for the ages together while partnering in raising whatever spawn may be part of your marriage. In our case, SS-32 is an only. He asked me to adopt him when he was 22yo. We made that happen.

2. Being a psychologist is just as responsible as being a doctor and choosing the wrong one, could really f up your mental health.

Doctors, Therapists, and Lawyers work for us. If they are not delivering, fire them and find one that will. Therapists are particularly challenging as they play in our heads, play with our emotions, and what they do is pseudo science at best. Fortunately I found a Unicorn Doc during the demise of my first marriage who helped me reconnect with the person I enjoy being and helped me to be the man that my incredible bride fell in love with. We are all a product of our life experiences. Be selecting, enjoy your life.

3. Every future parent needs psychotherapy or some basic psychological evaluation before deciding to have a baby, as it is entirely possible that you or your partner aren't fit for parenthood.

Not a bad idea. There is no licensed required to breed. Unfortunately there are any number of people who have no business breeding at all and when you throw in the variables of various genetic blends the process is a crap shoot at best. Unfortunately for many SParents, their chosen partner has already failed in the quality breeding department. There is some opportunity for the SParent to salvage the situation if they demand and tolerate nothing short of clear standards of behavior, standards of performance, and their mate keeping their baggage firmly in its place and tolerates nothing but compliance to the standards of behavior, standards of performance and within the bounds of reasonable behavior.

With the shit puddle of dysfunction that you dove into, I applaud your escape. Though when the choice of partner is sound there is no need to sacrifice our own peace, or ambitions, even while partnering to raise our mate's kid(s) within our blended relationships. The key is first to tolerate nothing but stellar in our choice of a mate. Followed by clear discussions on standards of behavior, standards of performance, boundaries, and structured strategies for keeping any and all baggage in it's place, containing Xs, containing ILs, and containing our own families if they are a detriment to the marriage. The marriage and partners come first and are the sole top priority. Kids, regardless of kid biology are the top adult responsibility for both adults in the partnership. Priority and responsibility are two very different things. Equity partners are also equity parents to any spawn in the mix. Never forget that and never let a mate forget it either.

So, good luck as you move on with living your best life.

In the situation you described and lived, I would move on as well.

Take care of you.

Best she broke up with you

Like I said and believe, this life with ex GF and her DS will never change he will be 40 yo and the same thing will be going on.

i know it hurts to leave someone you think you love , But if she truly loves you,, she would be different. She would put this kid in his place like normal parents

You are here

I have only negative feelings towards my girlfriend's son (long, sorry)