I have only negative feelings towards my girlfriend's son (long, sorry)
My girlfriend and I have been together for 3 years now, I'm 30 and she is 37. She is diforced from her ex-husband and describes him as a narcissist, physically and mentally abusing her for 4-5 years of the 6 they've been together. She has an 8 year old son and he is the sole reason for my anxiety as of the past year-year and a half.
When we first started dating, he was nice and polite, but I soon found out that it was just an act, as with all his social interactions. People really like him at first, he is very outgoing and always the center of attention. Once you get to know him however, things are very different. Later, my GF confessed, that he has been a problem since birth, clinging to her, problems in kindergarden and now in school. For the first year or so, I haven't taken an active part in parenting, I thought he is hers and I don't need to get in the way. They were arguing all the time, I can't remember even one occasion, when he was told something by his mother and it didn't lead to an escalation, and after some time(a year or so), I got tired by all the conflict and the way he was treating my special other, so I started to interfere.
At fist I started lecturing him on the treatment of his mother, but it was like he was lacking basic empathy and even if I got him to understand something, I couldn't hold his attention for more than 5 minutes. After that I treid rewarding him, taking him to nice places, buying toys for him, getting his favourite meals from time to time, but at the cost of doing something for the household. That failed as in the moment he hears what the reward would be, he ignores all else and start repeating that he wants that said reward, he even escalated on two occasions to the point when his mother used physical punishment to make him stop. When that failed I started implementing chores. He had no chores to this point, so I started implementing some structure, chores, bedtime and failure to do so, would result in some sort of soft punishment like no phone for the next day, no TV, no dessert or so on. But everything was met fierce resistance and when I wasn't around his mother usually caved to his demands. My only motive was to have some peace in the house and to relieve my girlfriend of the tension of having to deal with him, but now, I feel like I turned into the bad guy in this situation.
Needless to say, that failed, as at this point he is punished all the time. We've reach a state where she blames me for being too mean to him and that he has no joy left in his life. When he is around other relatives or me, he is somewhat managable, as he knows, that if I threaten him with something, I will go though it, but he is a menace around his mother, as he knows, that if he bullies her long enough, he will get what he wants. We've had a couple of situations, when she is really upset, to the point of crying and he keeps harassing her. His father is one of the main reasons for out conflicts, as most of the acts of aggression, conflicts and so on, are instigated after the kid returns from spending an extended amount of time with him.
At school, things aren't any better, as I mentioned. Every week, he comes back with notes of bad behavior, not paying attention, or lack of homework. He is lazy, eats like a pig, never takes responsibility, always blames the others, takes everything for granted, he says thank you only when his mother makes him do so and repects no personal boundaries. He even told his cousin once that his medical conditions are more important than his, after taking a water bottle from him.
For the past 2 months I got really mean to him and I said some harsh things, which resulted in me having no authority in the house anymore, I can't make him do anything, as he responds with "I will ask my mother", once I even asked him if it matters who gave an instruction and he said "Yes". I still have 100% of my old responsibilities however, like taking him to school from time to time, taking him to the dentist, taking him outside and so on, which recently I stopped doing, I also stopped cleaning after him and washing his clothes and told my GF that I don't want to have to do anything for him anymore. He complaints to his other relatives that I hate him, he also worships his father, to a point of describing his as an angel, even though he knows that his father has hit his mother in the past and that is the reason for her leaving.
For the past month, we've been visiting a psychologist, but that didn't help, it even got things worse, as now my girlfriend blames me. The psychologist said, that he needs unconditional love from both of us, he needs to like me so he could respect my authority and to be given the freedom to do as he pleases. The thing is, what pleases him the most, is crossing personal boundaries, as that child thrives in conflict. One of the harshest things I told him, which was also infront of his mother was something in the lines of: "People who have inability to take responsibility for their actions, to respect personal boundaries and to accept "No" for an answer, are bullies and eventually turn into criminals, rapists and worse". At this point, I harbour only negative feelings towards this boy and I don't think something can change. I feel that my girlfriend is parenting out of guilt.
I love my girlfriend and she loves me. She has told me that she feels safe and calm around me and regreted not following her dreams when she was yonger and since we've been together I've motivated her to start unversity and to follow her dreams, but I fear that if I leave her, she won't be able to manage him, both mentally and financially and she will give up on her dreams. I also wanted to start a family with her and have a kid of my own, I was even prepared to stop working for 1-2 years so I can help with the care for the baby, but I'm not sure this is the best enviroment for a baby and by the time her son leaves our home, she wouldn't be in the appropriate age for having children anymore.
I am not the same person as I used to be. I used to be calm, balanced and unemotional, but now I'm angry most of the time, escpecially when he is around and start to get anxious an hour before I know he will be home from school or his father. I even got to a point where I'm isolating myself, playing on my laptop or listening to music alone. It is also affecting my work as a doctor.
I'm at the end of my rope here. I've recently started working abroad and I feel a sense of peace and calmness when I'm not at home. I'm thinking about leaving the relationship when I get home in a month. The main reason for starting this topic, was mainly to vent out, but I would also like an advice or two on how to handle the situation and if I do leave her, how do I do it in the most civilized way?
Again, apologies for the long post.
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Welcome to the site!
You have tried hard to be an active step parent and be involved with your SS. However, I'm afraid all your good efforts are doomed to failure because of his mother. The point at which this became clear was:
"When he is around other relatives or me, he is somewhat managable, as he knows, that if I threaten him with something, I will go though it, but he is a menace around his mother, as he knows, that if he bullies her long enough, he will get what he wants."
His mother is an ineffective parent because she is unable to enforce boundaries or her authority as she is afraid of her son, or afraid of losing his love. I think you may as well throw in the towel and tell your partner it is because of HER parenting that you are leaving. This is the honest thing to do, don't worry too much about softening the blow. You are still young enough to find someone else and have a family with them. Don't keep beating your head against a brick wall.
These are WISE words by Kes.
These are WISE words by Kes. Listen to them.
RUN!! you are a young man, with a future and it will be ruined by a manipultive spoiled brat spwan and a mother that has no backbone (the Disney Parent syndrome!!). The older they get the more dangerous and entitled they become, and the bio parent becomes softer and softer...
Trust me, you will be miserable, and your household will be HELL. Get yourself a nice young woman with no baggage - carrying other people's spoiled children is a heavy burden... you look like you believe in a child's discipline and achievements and does not tolerate mediocracy... and you can't apply this to your GF's little demon... RUN!!
I think the bottom line is
I think the bottom line is that at 30, you are young enough to find a partner without the baggage.
Her son sounds difficult and you have decades of dealing with him in front of you.
His mother has not been an effective parent... and unfortunately, the therapist is a bit right in that if you don't have a "connection" with the child.. the "correction" only breeds resentment. I'm not saying you should be all "unconditional love" with the kid.. but it was his mom who needed to hone her corrective parenting skills.. not have you try to take over when you only had a minimal amount of history with the boy.
Unfortunately.. it would take a lot of work to "unring" the bell of some of the mean things you have said. It would take a lot of work for you to not jump to every conclusion that is negative about the boy. It will also take a ton of work for his mother to learn how to effectively parent her son. Clearly she has allowed him to feel he is on equal footing.. arguing with her as if they are peers. He needs to understand FROM HER... the reality is she is parent.. he is child.. she has authority.. he does not..and she doesn't need a reason to tell him to do something.. he must do it.
But.. will that happen.. I highly doubt it. and that is why this might be a good time to realize this is not the relationship for you. Three years.. you learned that it won't work.. not because of her son necessarily.. but because she is not able to be a good parent and has not raised her son well.. and probably won't change.
Sounds like the kid needs to
Sounds like the kid needs to see a different psychologist (or a psychiatrist), but in reality this is not your issue, although it seems like you slipped into this vortex of crazy. You sound just a bit codependent--a term that isn't used that much anymore. . .like you are a fixer (welcome to the club), and end up putting others' needs and issues ahead of your own. So, I think it's a good thing that you are considering leaving this situation. It does not sound like staying would be a winning choice.
I would tell her that you need peace in your life and you have chosen to pursue that. Set a date to move and do it. It won't be easy, but it will be extremely beneficial for you. Best of luck! (Keep us posted!)
Remember: You are not responsible for GF getting a degree or pursuing her dreams. You are not responsible for "fixing" a child that is not yours. It's not fair to you that you end up feeling angry all the time.
So you are spending your money
On a psychologist, who saids you must kiss the kids ass. Drop the loser. This kid needs a full mental health work up. With a DR. to find out what's wrong and developing a plan . Then you must find a psychologist Who can actually do something,, not pass the buck. Remember all these people [the school] can't be wrong. There something not right normal about SS.
The key to a successful
The key to a successful relationship in a blended family is that the BP allows the SP to discipline as a parent and align on expectations and performance requirments for the children. Disney parents want SPs to take care of all the Skids stuff like cooking, school transportation, events, b-days, etc., but with no right to discipline. The f$#k with that!!
Thank you all for the advice
Thank you all for the advices! I will post an update in a month.
I recently experienced a 12
I recently experienced a 12-year severe bullying situation at work. It went on for so long because of the "just love him to death" bullshit that your SS' therapist said. It's quite common for steps to be even more damaged by counsellors who aren't specifically trained in blended families. Also, if your SO's ex is a narcissist then the likelihood of your SS being a narc is very high.
Run fast and run far. You're a year younger than I was when I met my DH and I settled because I was co-dependent and figured if I didn't grab the crumbs of a divorced dad with feral brats I'd end up never marrying. Here we are 28 years later and despite tons of therapy for myself, some intense therapy for my DH and a recent long haul in marriage therapy for both of us, not a day goes by that I don't regret marrying a man with kids, especially one who was a narcissistic child and who is fully blown personality disordered today in her mid 30s. I had an ours baby and she has sustained some emotional wounds from the shit show of the family she was raised in and I am fully to blame for that because I didn't leave when I questioned the situation many years ago. Please, I beg of you on behalf of your future child, to gtfo and do it yesterday.
Please come back to update us when you can say you've found a wonderful woman and are starting a family.
You are 30. And a doctor. Why
You are 30. And a doctor. Why do you put up with this? Something tells me that when you "got really mean", it wasn't actually that bad or any worse than most parents of bio-kids have done. We've all been pushed to our limit. I mean, unless you said something like "you are the worthless r-word spawn of a loser and deserve to die" or something like that. But it wasn't, because you are posting here and obviously feel bad about whatever it was you said. Anyway, if your gf doesn't have the desire or ability to take control of her frigging *8* year-old, it doesn't get any better when he is bigger and stronger and actually able to do damage to you or her physically. If he is ungovernable, he will not finish school or have the self-discipline to be a functioning adult. You and your gf will be taking care of his ungrateful self forever. And it sucks, because this child will end up hurt in the long run if he can't learn to be a functional person.
Your therapist is mailing his work
All that schooling and he sitting there telling you " it's your fault ". I can't do anything your SS needs unconditional love from both of YOU. please send the $200. First of all you are not the parent you can't give unconditional love. SECOND unconditional love doesn't mean SS runs a muck and you just love him. THIRD. Loving SS means you turn SS into a functional adult.
like training a dog. Frankfurt and or a 2x4. Sitting on SS to behave is loving him. It's a harder love then a bad of M&M's.
REALLY,, you must have a heart to heart talk with yourself. Your SO Hasn't change in 8 years, you know it's only going to get worst. SS will try to keep you and your SO fighting so he can fall through the cracks of life. IS THIS the relationship you want ?
Five month update
So, here is my update on the situation almost five months later:
One month after the post, in the beginning of August, I decided to rent my own place and try to maintain the relationship. We found a really good clinical psychologist, who informed us that the kid has early signs of borderline personality disorder and that this condition could be manageble with psychotherapy, but couldn't be resolved. She(the psychologist) also told me that the kid will never accept me or anyone else as a competition for his mother's attention. I continued visiting the psychologist for solo sessions and she told me that this relationship isn't to my benefit, not financially nor emotionally and that her son will eventurally start bullying his own mother when I am gone, which honestly broke me.
Two months later, sometime in the middle of October, out of the blue, my GF told me that her son hates me and that we couldn't be together anymore. Honestly, this is the first breakup I've ever had that leaves me feeling euphoric in the first month. However, some nastly negative feelings, including regret and grief, started creeping in on me for the past couple of weeks. I am still visiting the psychologist as she helped me immensely with my own issues.
Moral of the story is:
1. Do not date single mothers, unless the biological father is dead and the kid is yonger than 2-3 and a girl.
2. Being a psychologist is just as responsible as being a doctor and choosing the wrong one, could really f up your mental health.
3. Every future parent needs psychoterapy or some basic psychological evaluation before deciding to have a baby, as it is entirely possible that you or your partner aren't fit for parenthood.
P.S. Sadly, children who grow with one active parent obviously aren't socially and emotionally developing well, so big Kudos to men, who sacrifice their own peace and ambitions to raise someone else's kid. The world has enough damaged people. It's just not my cup of tea to pursue this further.
I think the moral is a bit
I think the moral is a bit more complex.
1. Don't date single mothers who are not parenting their children. She set you up for failure and her son logically resented and grew to dislike you because you were bossing him around per se.. telling him what to do.. and it was not the same as when a parent does it.. correction without connection breeds resentment.. a parent with bio inate love can parent.. kid still loves them normally.. in a step situation..you don't have that connection.. so you shouldn't be in the position to mete out chores.. punishments.. "parental" stuff. your EX did not raise or parent her child. .. that was a problem.
2. Children with people who are disordered.. have a large chance to be disordered.. sounds like the bio father may have left his mark in that gene pool.. so when they tell you their EX was narc.. abusive.. addicted.. the chances are the mental illness that drives all that is partially present in their offspring.. and that doesn't even wrap in the damage done to kids raised by those people.. what they see and experience.
3. I agree that there are good drs.. bad drs.. and the wrong one can cause more harm than good.. if you don't improve with reasonable expectations.. then get a 2nd opinion.
4. yeah.. everyone should automatically be on some kind of permanent BC (men and women).. that is onlly reversed when they can prove that both the prospective parents are ready and able to be parents. mentally fit for the task.. financiallly fit for the prospects of raising the kids.. but alas.. that is a bit 1984 orwellian. it would not ever be possible.. haha.
5. Sure, being raised by one parent alone can have the risks of certain dynamics being set.. the parent will often satisfy their emotional needs with their children.. and it goes on for years.. then when a partner comes in.. it upsets the mix.. and just like the guy who has a teen SD sleeping with mommy on the couch.. thereare codepencies that can develop in an unhealthy way. I would also say that the MEN usually have it a lot easier... in general women are the ones that get roped into actually raising and caring for their skids.. men may come in and provide some financial support.. throw the football with timmy.. but most of the time they aren't being asked to actually take care of the kid.. women are much more likely to be in that role.. and then you have an ex who is jealous of a woman trying to take her place in their child's life.. women have it much much worse.
I'm not discounting your experience trying to do what you thought was the right thing for this child.. but usually women are still in that homemaking role.. men aren't.. so women are shoved in to cook, clean, keep house over the kids.. dad just goes to work.
Your DW. did an ineffective job of
Parenting her son. She actually doesn't know what to do with her son. It's easier to blame you then learn how to parent. When you have kids you want to have fun with then. Weather you do something educational, or sports , or just fun amusement park. DW because of her inefficiency , isn't having fun.
You just can not be living with a 8 yo and not parent him. Unless there something mentally going on. It should be easy to change SS. It just takes time and effort. The problem is DW isn't putting time or effort in for the past 8 yesrs
Best she broke up with you
Like I said and believe, this life with ex GF and her DS will never change he will be 40 yo and the same thing will be going on.
i know it hurts to leave someone you think you love , But if she truly loves you,, she would be different. She would put this kid in his place like normal parents