Interested in opinions
Hi all,
Hope everyone has had a good Christmas, or at least as good as it can be if you're on this forum!
I'd like to pose a thought that I'm seeking opinion on, because I can't work out if I'm being reasonable or too sensitive.
I have a SS27 and a SD28. I married their mother nearly 7 years ago. My wife sold her house and we bought a marital home together. My concern is that whenever they reference their mother and this house in the same statement they always say "going to mums" - not "going to mum & XXX".
It's a minor point but it bothers me if I'm honest. I've been around plenty long enough for them to think of us as "mum & XXX", and it's not like this was formerly my wife's house; it is, and has always been, ours.
What bothers me is that my interest in statement analysis tells me that this is because I'm either not accepted by them or I'm simply not on their radar. That's hard to accept or understand when we all live locally and frequently interact socially. Is it just that prior to my entrance they've had years of saying "mums" and it's become an old habit that won't die?
Interested in opinions. Thank you in advance.
My DH is what I like to call
My DH is what I like to call "AOD (adult of divorce). DH's parents divorced when he was 20. Since then, both parents have either remarried or been in long term relationships. When DH mentions that he is visiting either parent, he simply says "we are going to Dad's or we are going to Mom's." Both homes are marital homes for their new relationships; neither belonging to either parent prior. For my DH, it isn't him being rude or discounting their partners, it is just him identifying which parent. Heck, my parents are married and I still sometimes say "going to Mom's" even though it is my Dad's home too.
How is the relationship with the skids otherwise? Are they polite and pleasant with you? Do they engage with you or act like you don't exist when in your presence? If they have a good relationship with you, I wouldn't worry too much about the home reference issue. It is likely an oversight without second thought as they are simply "visiting their Mom" and you are just a part of that reference by association. You entered into a relationship with your wife when the kids were already adults. Even if you have taken on a stepparent role by marriage, you are more likely viewed as "Mom's husband" rather than "stepdad" simply because you aren't dealing with children. If it truly truly bothers you, you could address it with your wife and have her address it with the kids, but I personally think it will come off as petty if the relationship with skids is otherwise good. If you are feeling inadequate or ignored in the family dynamic, I recommend you explore those feelings and work with your wife to address them within the marriage, with your wife taking lead with her kids.
I think this is one of those
I think this is one of those things that actually doesn't mean anything.
My SD has always said, "My dad's," when talking to other people and it's never bothered me.Why should she always say, "Dad and hereiam's"? Her dad is the one she has the relationship with, and who she has known longer. She knows we both own the home, she doesn't have to announce it. It's where her dad lives and that is what she is referring to.
I do it, myself, with my own dad, my brothers (who are both married), and with couple friends. I have been friends with a woman for over 30 years and although I know and like her current husband, I don't usually say both their names when referencing their home, it's just unnecessary.
I think it's a very common, natural habit, and means nothing.
I moved into my SO house he
I moved into my SO house he had with BM. They were not in it together long before they divorced. They fought the entire time and she cheated on him. The kids don't stay here any more , when they did it didn't feel like they even considered it their home. They would get here late and then go to school early and if it was the weekend BM was picking them up early for whatever reason. I have made it as much of a home for myself and SO as possible, trying not to think about that BM has lived here. . We do want to move into a home we buy together but we have improvements to do before we sell. BM has lived with a man she cheated on SO with since they spilt. . The kids would always say are we going to moms or are we going to dads. For the first time just the other day SS said to me are we going to yours and dads home. Not sure why it finally came out that way. I don't know if it makes me happy that he finally considered me or if it was sad because he feels it is now not his home. I guess it has to be hard as stepkids to know what your home really is. I know as step parents it is nice to be considered as a part of something by the kids.
Thank you all for your
Thank you all for your replies. My relationship with my steps is generally good, so I think it is perhaps a case of me reading too much into it. My worries have perhaps come from the past because I had a really difficult and turbulent start with both of them - particularly SD.
I don't think that this is
I don't think that this is intended to ostracise you, but at their ages, they may not view you as step "dad".. but more as Mom's husband.. and that is perfectly fine.. if they are civil to you and don't undermine you then the fact that they say 'mom's house' is not particularly meaningful... just expedient for them to say.. because.. she is their primary relationship.. and it is her home.. but clearly, they understand your home too.but you are not their father.
My kids and SKs do it and so did I
Its normal.
Just because it’s normal
Doesn't mean it's wright. Show a lack of respect towards you, They are happy to come to your home you pay for. Stay in the warmth you pay for. Eat your food you pay for but don't acknowledge you
I wouldn't be bothered if my
I wouldn't be bothered if my SD tells friends she's going to visit her dad. They know who 'dad' is while they may or may not know my name. I have no idea what my kids say but a lot of times people just shorten it.
Creating an issue where none exists is not a good idea.
My parents have been married for 62 years and my brother and I generally refer totheir home as "Mom's" when my brother and I are speaking about going to mom and dad's. Not a reference of ownerhship. Just how we see mom as the heart of the family and the home. Dad is a rockstar as well. But, mom is the heart.
If my DW and I are talking about it, it is mom and dad's.
It is their mom's home so I would put this away and not give it another thought. Yes, it is also your home. However, you are not their mom.
Don't create complication where none exists.