For me, the joy is not in what I get or some comparison of value and appreciation from others. It is about what I give. I give the people that I care about things I want them to have. Things that mean something to me for that person.

I do not even give those who do not matter to me a thought. Much less immerse myself in giving them space in my head.

You are married to her dad. You contribute to her relationship with her father. Part of her gift to him is motivated by you.  Don't ruin your holiday over the inconsequential.

Choose to feel differently. Counter to what many believe, feelings are a choice. Make better choices.

Regarding maintaining contact with my SS-32 in the event of his mom's passing. His mom and I met when he was 15mos old.  We married the week before he turned 2yo.  We made that  happen. He is my son. His mom, him, and me are family.  Heaven forbid something happens to his mom, we would be there for each other and we would remain family.

Take care of you.

We have 5 kids so we establish a gift amount and it's the same for all 5, regardless of what or if we get anything from them.  Actually, we've told them not to buy us anything cuz we need nothing and I know some struggle financially. Some do give us gifts, I guess the bio parent gets more but that seems natural (especially when I'm on the receiving end lol.). So, I don't give much thought to who gets what.

As far as keeping touch with SKs once DH87 passes, I know he'd like me to. What will probably happen is that OSS61 will continue to help me with the house or wherever I live.  YSS56 is out of town and we will probably have a "Merry Christmas" call and maybe one or two during the year.  I'm hoping I can gradually stop any contact with SD63 who has always been a pain.  Once she gets whatever there is to get when DH passes (sorry, no $ yet), she will hopefully fade.

In fact, you are lucky you get anything. Most of us here, including myself, do not recieve gifts from SKs. Christmas was so lopsided here for a few years after DH and I married; $500 plus spent on SKs each, while they showed up empty handed. Each year, I'd pray they get it together and bring DH a gift. After 5 years, we quit gifting. Asked if they wanted to pull names.....nope....so it all ended. Today, DH sends gifts to his grands.

As for continuing a relationship with any of DHs kids, I seriously doubt it. We are not close. In fact, I stayed away from their toxic selves for over 6 years. We are just beginning to re-connect and those are civil and superficial. So, personally, I do not foresee any contact with DHs kids if he passes first. And no, you were wrong to tell you DH what you did. Truth is truth.

Best to you.

A gift is something given to someone without the expectation of payment or anything in return. 

Maybe you should take into account that it was a gift freely given. Not how much it cost, not how much was spent on anyone else. No one forced her to buy it. She took the time to seek out something just for you. 

I have never received a gift from either of my skids in 20 years--the first 5 years involved me getting them birthday, graduation, and Christmas gifts, then I stopped. 
As for a relationship with your SD after DH would pass, that is completely up to you....no matter what anyone else thinks. 

In the 28 years that I have been with my DH, neither of us have received a gift from his daughter. But, personally, I wouldn't worry about the cost of such a gift (if one were given) or if it was the same, less, or more than what she got for her dad. It just wouldn't matter to me.

I have a decent relationship with my SD33, but if my DH passed away, I probably would not go out of my way to keep in touch with her. Not because of hard feelings or anything, but we just don't have that kind of relationship. I don't feel bad about it, it's just the way it is.

It's the thought that acccounts gift wise.  How much personal thought goes into getting you something you want but will not buy for your self.  Parents always give more money then they receive.  They are not friends but your kids 

You asked:

 Am I just being ridiculous or does anybody else experience the same thing?

Answer is: Yes, you are  ridiculous and NO, I have never experienced the 'same thing'. 

Giving a gift is an act of kindness, grace, and sometimes compassion.  It is NOT about receiving a gift in return of equal or higher value.

And disengage.

As others have said, i wouldn't look too much into this specific issue. When it comes to kids/young adults and gift giving, a lot has to do with how they were raised and how they are as a person. My SO's kids don't get me gifts but i don't think they give anyone gifts. They were never taught to. They were never encouraged to get me a gift.

With adult skids, i would focus on how they affect your day to day life. Are they respectful of you as their parent's spouse in speech and in actions? Meaning how badly do or don't they fk up your life. Are they a financial burden? A physical burden (like are they in your space a lot or living with you?) Do they cause drama?

I know when you've been burned you tend to see meaning in every little thing. She may, in fact, be out to get you. But this in and of itself isn't necessarily a sign. 

Hey, Thumper,

I’ve always assumed that it was standard practice for one’s children to spend more on a parental gift than that for a stepparent; after all, they are your biological mom/dad. They brought you up, fed and housed you, showered you (usually) with unconditional love and much more. To expect an equal expenditure from stepkids is unrealistic. 

It’s also natural for a parent to spend more on their children than vice-versa since, generally speaking, the parents have a larger disposable income. I’ve always received thoughtful gifts from both my SS (who has a talent for always buying things that I love!) and SD. I don’t give a toss how much the gifts cost; being remembered is what’s important. Sorry to say, FrustratedandLost, but you are being ridiculous.

Personally this isn't something I would even give any thought to and I do think it's a bit silly to get wound up about.

There are times I spend substantially more on one of my actual parents than I do the other, for a variety of reasons. It's never because I'm thinking, "oh I love dad more than mom" or "I want to make mom feel more special than dad." It's just the way things shake out sometimes. Futhermore, I'd never expect my SDs to spend as much on me as they do their parents. In recent years, they've spent more on each other and on DD than they have any of their parents or stepparents, and I think that's perfectly fine. 

I think that it was nice that your SD got you nice gifts for Christmas. I cone from a place where it's not about how much someone spends on a gift, it's about the thought behind it. It's you and DHs choice to spend that much on SD for Christmas, but that doesn't necessarily mean SD needs to match that. As for continuing a relationship after DH passes, I would say do what feels natural for both of you. I wouldn't force something that isn't authentic, but remain friendly. If you're at a place to remain close then why not. 

It's perfectly fine for her to do more for her dad for presents.. he is her bio father.. it's also ok to spend more on one person than another.. period.  I think you are probably pretty fortunate that you rank anywhere on her spend list tbh.. it's more common for skids to not even buy for their bio parents.. much less a step parent.

As far as what happens after he is gone? you ccan say the things that give him comfort then do what you feel in your heart if/when that time comes... 

...have read this thread with interest. Like some have mentioned, we have a limit of what we spend on people and it is fair and equitable. It works for us.

I realized something after Christmas, the gift YSD gifted me was actually meant for her father. It was of substantial value and I thanked her and said how much I liked it when I opened it. She gifted her father something far less in value. I was very surprised as she is very close to her father; I would dare say enmeshed, she is needy and does not have the independence of an adult in her 30's. I have encouraged him to allow her to figure things out on her own...sorry, getting sidetracked. Anyway, shortly after he opened his gift, I figured it out. Then I realized that much she had given me in previous years was also 'for her father'. I wasn't really sure what to think about that. I am just thankful that she does not bring ugly to my life, as OSD has. And, yes, I realize it was nice that she made the pretense of gifting me. Or was it?

As far as if something happened to DH, no way would I want any of them in my life. I could see DH having relationships with a few of my family though. Our families are vastly dfferent in how they 'show up'...my family has been welcoming and treat him with love and respect. I would say my DH is closer to my mother than I am.

Step life is interesting....

My ILs are a list family.  We are not.  Neither is my source family.  

Early in our marriage my DW was very excited to get her mom and sister a very nice joint gift. A very nice high end coffee maker, a selection of gourmet coffees and custom mugs for her mom and for her sister.  MIL broke DW's heart when the talked on Christmas day.  "You know I drink Folger's instant, why would you get me all of this"?  After that, it has been from the list and only the list, with an occassional exception when DW finds something that she knows her mom likes but is not on the list, 

This year, she bought off of the list for her entire family.  MIL got half a dozen duplicates from the family.  Including my DW. When DW called MIL on Christmas day, she was obviously all bummed and hurt about her gifts. DW did get her a few distinct things that she wanted her mom to have that she thought her mom.  Of course DW is upset that MIL was disappointed.

We do not buy every year for all in my family.  We do buy for everyone when we are all together. Otherwise, we each focus on our own direct family. Though we do send mom and dad something every year. Usually things that we find throughout the year on random meanderings.

MIL is not the only one in the IL family who got several duplicates.  Though she is the only one who pouted about it. At least when DW was talking to them.  Ironically, this year she received a half a dozen or more pounds of coffee.  One of a few things on MIL's list.

People teach others how to treat them, then they pout when they are treated as they have demanded to be treated for countless years.

WTF?