SD14 Just a Terrible Person - Ignores Everyone
It was BS birthday party last weekend. He was turning 4. DH's parents traveled about 5/6 hours to come to his birthday party on Saturday. DH let SD14 know ahead of time that family was coming to visit. Her response was "Well, I was planning on going to my Mom's." DH proceeded to explain how far they are traveling, haven't seen them in a year, etc. SD14 eventually folded and she stayed at our house last weekend instead of going to BMs.
Friday night rolls around and SD14 had a decent conversation with the grandparents for about 30 minutes.
Saturday morning rolls around (birthday party day). SD does not come downstairs all morning. The party was at 12:00. DH lets her know ahead of time when the party is. SD14 says she's not going and stayed home. I wasn't TOO surprised because it is a 4 year old party at one of those bounce places. SD14 ended up leaving the house while we were at the party and said she was spending the night at a friend's house instead. She missed out on dinner and birthday cake with us.
Sunday morning comes and she catches Grandparents in just enough time to say bye before they left (5 minutes tops).
**She is TOTALLY indifferent, not only to BS4, but also DHs family.
BS4 actual birthday was yesterday (Wednesday). We had balloons in the living room along with presents. She says NOTHING to him him. We had to physically walk past her as we went out the door for school. ZERO acknowledgement.
I get it if she doesn't like me as a SM. But being rude to BS4 and DHs family is different. I think it just makes her a terrible person. She is so incredibly rude to everyone I've never seen anything like it. TBH, it does bother me SOME because we are still living uner the same roof for now.
Part of me also is NOT bothered because BS4 doesn't know ANY different. He doesn't call her a "sister", ever asks where she is, why isn't she playing etc. I guess I would rather have it this way anyway. Does anyone with their own bios avoid the "sister/brother" label? IMO it should be something that is earned, not given. And if she isn't acting like a sibling, I'm sure as hell not going to promote otherwise to BS4.
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Guilty here
I was the older stepsister and plead guilty to ignoring my 3 younger siblings. It wasn't hateful, I was just a self-absorbed teen and frankly, with BOYS, school, BOYS, friends and BOYS on my mind, my siblings weren't even on my radar. She did interact with the grandparents when they arrived and before they left
I'm not defending her and I believe she is probably a terrible person. At 14, I was similar. Here's hoping she matures soon.
14 year old girls tend to be
14 year old girls tend to be terrible people..lol.
I kind of agree.. self centered..not aware of how their actions reflect etc..
There is another poster on this site who has a girl preteen/teen age.. and I don't think she is a fan of her younger siblings.. which at an age when biology is telling you to ditch childish things and find a mate.. is not too surprising.
I understand the self
I understand the self-centered part when it comes to not attending a kiddie birthday party. But outright saying she wanted to go to BMs instead seemed like she was drawing a line in the sand and showing DH where her priorities really lie.
Also, when someone walks by you to go out the door, when you know it's there birthday, and says nothing - I feel like that was blantant (not oh, I was thinking about something else).
HOPE she will change, but I highly doubt it.
Kids need to be taught good
Kids need to be taught good behavior and manners. It doesn't sound like either of SD's parents have taught her any.
Perspective
I completely FEEL for you, truly, I do. The stuff my 14-year-old skids said/did 17 years ago still give me lteral nightmares! However, DD/BD needs to be the one to explain to her that her behavior is hurtful. He needs to describe to her what more considerate behavior would look like (some compromise between acknowledging the family and her current teen priorities.) This is his primary responsibility, not yours.
As a retired educator and blended family "survivor," I'd mention that all kinds of crazy stuff is happening biochemically in the adolescent brain. Also, if BM has mental/behavioral issues, they will manifest big time in teen SD. So, unfortunately, you can't hold her to the same behavioral standard as, say, a 26-year-old adult living independently. BUT -- you can demand that DH has a talk with her about expectations for next time, even to the point of asking her to describe what she might have done differently. You can also draw the line on being treated with fundamental respect and courtesy at all times.
I'd qualify that you're under NO OBLIGATION to understand/excuse her behavior. But I hope you'll guard your own mental well being, somehow, someway.
Gurrrrl... do not paint that bullseye on your back by taking the SD's bait. She is going to do it over and over and over.. Gray rock when things go south (look it up) and when appropriate, ask SO to take SD "to the mat".
DH needs to step up. Take him to counseling if he won't. #grayrock #disengagedDD
I have been disengaged for
I have been disengaged for some time now, but I feel like her recent behavior 100% supports my decision to STAY disengaged.
Smarter than me
... if you figured out the magic of disengagement early in your SM journey. But then again, it wasn't an option for me since BM was out of the picture, DD traveled for work a lot, and neither of us had any supporting family available to help us co-parent. I'm the idiot who thought I could finally pat myself on the back that they arrived at independent adulthood without a criminal record/crippling debt/teen pregnancy/substance addiction. Boy, did they ever set me straight the second I implied that I was their "mom."
So, yeah. If you CAN disengage, you have 150% of my support!!!!!
It's crazy how kids (or adult
It's crazy how kids (or adult kids) will pine for their BM and idolize her no matter how awful she is. Especially if she's awful. Like a woman constantly chasing an unavailable man.
Or, like in my case,
the BM is dead and always planned to be dead early on and put her kids through her horrible end, also advising their father that he should not try to find another woman and should be "just fine" raising her kids alone.
WOW!
Did she tell him he'd be cursed for all eternity if he contradicted her orders? Would she come back to haunt him?
I suppose she said all that in front of their kids, too.
Gawd, just when you think you've heard it all ...
Haha! Probably not, but I’m certain she implied that!
It's all in my first/orginal forum post (before I discovered the blog section on this website). You couldn't make some of this sh*t up.
I know that she was paranoid towards the end of her life (like her diagnosed and somewhat-medicated father), and would cause scenes with SO, insisting that he goes to work to cheat on her (whatevs) - that's after the SO would spend a sleepless night rocking, patting, feeding the babies, before going to his full time corporate job, while she slept in another room, because she "needed rest". Oh, and by the way, the kids weren't allowed and didn't have dummies due to some crazy theory she once read.
When she finally kicked the bucket, the kids were still young, so I'm not sure how much they remember - the younger one now says that all memories of her have faded, which is understandably upsetting for him. I kind of feel it's for the best though. Either way, they idolise her, and it's partly my SO's doing, because he wanted them to believe they come from a good mother.
The problem with this though, given a bunch of genetic/mental/physical disorders in her immediate family, the kids have been displaying serious behavioural issues and developed the view that they've got the worst father in the world.
DH is totally terrified of
DH is totally terrified of SD14! Scared to give consequence out of fear "she will prefer BM". Newsflash DH - SD14 already prefers her house anyway! He is insecure when it comes to their relationship. TURN OFF.
You are not going to change SD
You must keep your sanity, you must place importance thing in order. Your life with DH and BS , is the most importance thing now, SD can go stay with BM. Disengage totally from SD. What means you treat SD as she treats you. You have other planes on SD birthday, her important events.
'you just can't take SD on that Disney vacation. BM is more fun then Disney. Your problem is DH. You must take a stand with him. It's you and BS Versus SD. DH must choose a side. Understanding SD side means another failed marrage. And loosing another kid