SD No.3's Wedding - what a mess.
I have been with my 2nd wife for 28 years and have been married for 25 of those years. During this time, I have been the sole provider for my 3 SD's and our son, with the SD's father choosing to be absent and not contribute to his children's upbringing. He would pop in and out of their lives at his leisure and would expect us to drop everything so he could spend time with 'his girls' and never once provided financial support for any of his children. To be honest, I think he was grateful for someone taking them off his hands so he could continue to live a party-style life with no ties.
Birthdays, Christmases and other events would pass without him getting in touch or even recognising them, and even when he made plans to pick them up and take them away for a weekend, he would fail to arrive, and we would end up having to deal with the fallout.
The youngest SD was 3 when we met, and last year she and her partner got engaged - she is now 31 - and the wedding took place last week. A few months before the wedding, her father got in touch with her, stating that he would pay for the honeymoon if she agreed to let him walk her down the aisle. All the arrangements had been made before this, but to our shock, she accepted his offer without even consulting us.
Her decision shocked us both to the core and sent the whole family unit into a tailspin. How could she agree to it after everything we had done and all the support we had provided in her father's absence? My wife was completely devastated to the point where she didn't want to attend the wedding, and I was no better, as I couldn't comprehend not walking her down the aisle.
The whole thing has created a chasm between us and SD3 and I cannot see a way back from this.
Any advice?
- NorfolkSD25's blog
- Log in or register to post comments
Comments
Prior to this.. has there
Prior to this.. has there been any indication of problems with you and your SD3?
Unfortunately, whether he was a good one or not.. he is her bio father.. and he was not entirely absent in her life.. (who paid the bills.. is not necessarily in the equation for kids).. It's unfortunate your wife didn't hold his feet to the fire to support his kids growing up (is is too late to enforce that.. get what she was due?)
I'm sorry this has been painful for you. I would try to not let this be something to drive a wedge..it's possible for her to care for you.. and to still want her father in her life as "her father". I do hope he at least did show up for this even and not dissapoint her like he has in the past.
Have you confronted SD about
Have you confronted SD about this and communicated how hurtful it was? One would think it would be pretty obvious, but it says a lot about HER character for not even discussing with you prior. This is more a reflection of her & how she discards people.
$
The $ lure trumped everything. I wonder if he came thru.
Your SD3 was presented with
Your SD3 was presented with an opportunity for a fully paid honeymoon so she took it. Maybe in her mind she figured it was the least her dead-beat dad owed her after years of disappointment, so why not cash in at his expense. After all it didn’t cost her anything. Reality is kids rarely think about their parents or step parents feelings.
I totally understand your frustration and being upset
but I think it is because she wanted a fully paid honeymoon. Doesn't make it right, but in her mind it was a small price to pay emotionally and a huge win financially.
What about your kids? Focus
What about your kids? Focus on them instead.
Do I understand you correctly
Do I understand you correctly? Bio dad has not contributed at all, zero, zip,,,nothing, to raising his own kids---not even 20bucks a week when they were minors but YOU did support them? Yes?
? Please tell me your wife had a child support order for him.
Your sd is a user---seems like the apple doesn't fall far from that tree.
You understand perfectly - my
You understand perfectly - my wife didn't receive any child support for any of her three daughters, and every time she tried, he would disappear without a trace. We subsequently discovered he ran off to Tenerife to avoid being tracked down and forced to pay support, instead, he preferred to live the single life.
I don't class him as a father or even a man, as that would be degrading to all men. He's just a selfish, self-centred a-hole.
Free Honeymoon
He sweetened the honey pot with a Free Honeymoon, which probably is why that happened.
Sucks, but she probably thought he owed her at least that.
But yeap still sucks.
No doubt he owed her the
No doubt he owed her the money with 15 years of missing child support payments, but I didn;t think she was so shallow.
Did she even get that
Did she even get that honeymoon?
Good point!
Imagine if this was another of his promises he never intended to fulfill...
Are you paying for the
Are you paying for the wedding? if so perhaps she should ask her newly found daddy to pay for that too.
I'm so, so, sorry for your pain.
Your SD chose to grab for the cash and "Instagram faux perfect wedding" instead of honoring the man who was always there for her. What a pathetic demonstration of shallowness, greed, and poor character.
Of course you're deeply hurt by this cruel gut punch. You and your wife would be well within your rights to go No Contact with SD for the foreseeable future. She got "her perfect day" - now let her experience the consequences of that crappy choice.
Greed, shallowness and poor
Greed, shallowness and poor character even led to her changing the seating plans at the ceremony, where I was pushed to the 2nd row behind my wife and her half-brother was moved to the back amongst her friends.
My wife was fuming - so much so that after the wedding breakfast, we left! We didn't even make our excuses, we just walked out. No one has since been in touch checking that we are OK - not even the other 2 SD's (Ages 33 and 36)
Actions speak louder than
Actions speak louder than words by your SD. IMO, just let her go. She is starting a new chapter in her life and she has made it clear where you stand. Don't fall for any fake, half-hearted apologies down the road even she were to ever give on. It reflects her character. This wasn't a one time "mistake", but intentional decisions that were made.
If BD WANTS to walk her down
down the aisle. . Then he should pay for all the wedding.. this is total disrespectful to you. Abd a bill to died on. Hope she gets the money before hand. I would not put a cent into this wedding.
'You must understand from the beginning blood is thicker,,
This is heartbreaking. Im
This is heartbreaking. Im sorry.
First, welcome. I hope that
First, welcome. I hope that you find this to be a good place to vent, contribute, and to pick up so useful perspective from others who are living the adventure of the blended family dream.
I am so sorry that your SD-31 has gone this route and broken your heart, her mother's heart and fractured your family. Sadly, the pull of genetics is strong even when those genetics are a shit puddle of effluent as a gene pool.
My SS-32 struggled with it for a while growing up. LIke you, I became his dad when he was 2yo and raised him as my own. Also like your experience, his Spermidiot was and is a POS and pretty much nearly a zero presence in his life. during the 16 years we lived under SS's Custody/Visitation/Support CO there were a number of periods of a year or more when the SpermClan took zero visitation and many many more visitations where SS was dumped on his GGPs or his GPs and never even saw the POS Spermidiot. Fortunately for us SS realized that his dipshitiot of a BioDad was a waste of skin and did not fall for any of the crap that your SD-31 has chosen to dive into with her POS BioDad.
Time to cut SD-31 off and do not deliver on any financial support for her wedding. Though popular culture has presented the unconditional love fallacy, for adults love is earned with respectful and reasonable behavior. Noxious adult spawn do not earn love, so they should live the consequences of their choices.
Take care of yourself. Focus on living your best life and making a life of adventure and a love for the ages with your bride. Hopefully your SD-31 will pull her head out of her own ass and remember who her REAL father is. Also, If I were you, I would force BioDaddy to suffer your presence on your daughters other arm whether he or she likes it or not. Of course BioDaddy in all likelihood won't pay for shit for anything on her honeymoon. Make sure she knows that the odds are he will leave her hanging on that too as he has left she and her sisters hanging on everything else their entire lives. Even a polished turd is still a POS. BioDaddy is a POS even though he has buffed a bit of a shiny sheen to interfere in your SD-31's wedding.
Again, welcome.
Don't forget to take care of you.
All IMHO of course.
I'm afraid your SD is a
I'm afraid your SD is a sellout - but perhaps it can be chalked up to immaturity and/or not thinking more deeply about the request of the deadbeat bio father (who is kind of a dick for making his offer in the first place). Hopefully SD has more of your wife's genes than his & will wisen up over time.