I cant stand it
As bitchy as I have been over this situation on the blog, I have truly been here and supportive to DH and SD12 with not a single ugly attitude at all - mainly because I could vent here and not bring it into the real life interactions. I have been nothing but supportive and nice. No, not even any underlying attitude. I have been professional, so to speak (10 years working with kids/families in similar situations).
I asked DH what our plan should be if that psychiatrist is off today and doesn't call us back. Is she to go to school tomorrow? What about Wednesday when he goes to work, what do you think we should do, should she go to school or should I keep her home three days? Am I going to be alone with her, with her glaring and stomping what if she is mad all day and keeps with the "you don't love me" and "you don't greet me enthusiastically enough" and the afternoon when she gets home until you get off work? What should I do? - YES, I have raised this child, but I needed to talk to him about my concerns and worries...
DH response snapped just send her to school if you don't want her here so freaking bad and find someone to be with her after school I guess.
My stress level is extremely high, nonstop all third trimester and is just getting fucking worse. I was worried about being home alone with her and being in my room working and her doing something for more attention or if she gets mad.
Now he wants to "talk about it". I want to take care of SD12 of COURSE I do. OF course I care and love her and feel so sorry for her having such sad thoughts. Of course she is the most important thing right now, but I just asked how I should handle it because I am afraid she will pull more of the attention-seeking and I won't catch her or she will not leave a "I took four antacids and am dying" letter again and I will be the only one home and //responsible// and frankly, it is really overwhelming and stressful and making me extremely anxious being solely responsible for her. Yes, I worked as a social worker and have worked with many kids and was responsible for evaluating them and placing them, but this is different. This one wants to say I don't feed her, I don't love her, I don't tell her she is pretty enough (only told her how beautiful she is about once a day, minimum four times a week).
Now DH and I aren't talking. I have done nothing but be professional and I have wrote down things for him to remember, but ask him his decisions.
Feel like I am about to fucking crack. I can't even get away for a few days. Work from home. Going to work and go to bed.
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Comments
This sounds like nightmare
This sounds like nightmare and I don't blame you for being sick of it. How can you stand it? Don't you ever feel like leaving? Do you think the new child is going to enjoy being born into a situation of such chaos, hatred and anxiety? Your husband has created a monster. Don't get me wrong....my SO has three monsters so I understand. I would not last five minutes in your situation.
I agree I have had great
I agree I have had great difficulty with a similar situation. It's the Bby and you first!
You have to worry about you.
You have to worry about you. It's off to school or a sitter. In your condition you need the least amount of stress as possible. Per-term labor and or having a a premature babie is the worst thing. You do not need to have your newborn child end up in the special care nursery because you are all stresses out. Trust me I was in your shoes 4 hers ago with twin SD. It really has not got better until I put my foot down. Now their adoptive mother won't let them come over and it's a blessing for our children.
Just remember most girls make threats to seek attention and usually do not act on it. However, they need to be seen by a trained professional. I also would recommend a discussion with the school guidance counselor. But in the end hold your ground. You are bringing a new life into the world and you need to protect you and the baby.
Well, we were taking a nap
Well, we were taking a nap today, I was just drained, and waiting for the psychiatrist to call us back. SD12 was forbidden from going downstairs alone and from being near the medicine cabinet. DH goes downstairs to get a drink and there she is on a chair rummaging through the medicine cabinet. He asked her what she was doing and she said "getting pain pills".
He woke me. She was all that half-smile, half-frown evasive "nooothing" and "pain medication" and I said what hurts... and she said taking pills will make me feel better.
I packed her bags, called the psychiatric intake unit at the major hospital, and they were still full (is why no inpatient Friday). They referred us to the closest major facility, which is 2 hours north and out of state. We drove her up there and had her admitted. She will be there 5 to 10 days approximately.
I was so worried about being home alone with her, seriously, what if she did that and DH was at work and I was napping? What if I didn't catch her and she didn't leave a note on the door or I didn't see it? (I know she would just drank a couple mouthfulls of Nyquil probably, but still, she could stupidly hurt herself).
As pissed off as she makes me right now, I do love her and she is my problem; I have raised her and am supposed to adopt her. Of course I adore her, but everything that has gone on in the last trimester has been SO OVERWHELMING from DH screamign at me and leaving to stay at his parent's house overnight to my mother's abusive texts and threats, to SD12STB13 jealousy and attitude and just God...
I know she is feeling mentally ill right now - I have depression, I have had severe depressive cycles to the point of barely functioning and seeing a psychiatrist myself with suicidal thoughts type of depression (no one knows, the thoughts were invasive/intrusive and I didn't want to hurt myself and the thoughts scared me, I didn't ever want anyone to know or any attention however). BUT, I DO understand what she is going through and I feel like a total douchebag for ever bitching about her situation or behavior here on the blogs. Yet, had I not vented my own ugliness here, I wouldn't have been able to be a decent person in real life, I don't think, and wouldn't have been as calm and patient with her.
Regardless, we handled it very well. We did not coddle her, but we were not cold either. She has been admitted and is going to get the help she needs. I will call her every night to say goodnight so she does not feel abandoned.
She has a great fear of me abandoning her or not loving her or not liking her enough- probably due to abandonment issues about BM, and the more she pushes and drains me for constant reassurance, the more I do have those UGH feelings and need time to recoup from giving that reassurance. I will not abandon her, but honestly, after a while, the emotional drain is overwhelming.
When she gets home, she will be on restriction with limited freedoms and the medicine cabinet will have a lock on it.
As annoyed and pissed as I have been with the recent attitude and all this stress, she IS my little girl step or not I raised her, and I DO love her so so much...want to "pinch her little head off" at times...want to scream STFU FFS at times...reaaally have to vent and bitch about her some times...but I love her and will never leave her or ever want her to hurt.
I am really hopeful they help her and she does not suffer for years like I did. Yeah, I also hate how much she is like me, its annoying as hell and I really really did not want her to have depression, while the Friday was "suicide gesture" and tonight mayhave been more "gesturing" and "attention seeking", she is doing it for a reason, a cry for help (even if it is annoying as hell) and I pray the hospital helps her...
I can call every day for 5 minutes and we can go visit her on Saturday for an hour.
I am trying desperately to handle the stress from all of it best I can. I so appreciate the support I have received here and the non-judgemental responses allowing me to vent my ugly venty feelings so I can be a better mom-figure for her without those selfishy feelings bottled up inside. This week, I am focusing on being calm and relaxed and we (DH, myself, AND SD) agreed we all hope things are better when she comes home and she won't have the attitude because she won't feel so threatened and jealous any more.
They said she doesn't get
They said she doesn't get enough attention and is depressed...she starts Zoloft tomorrow and we have to go to family therapy for HER. I dread her coming home because I stop work and listen to her whine for about 30-45 minutes every afternoon. THen I work until 6:30 (from home) then I make dinner, then we all sit at the kitchen table and listen to her the entire meal. Then we have to watch TV with her. If we don't, she is depressed, ignored, and unloved. I have to tell her daily how she's the favored and the most specialest of all.
I am so exhausted by this.
I think she is borderline personality disorder, personally, but she is really good at the manipulation and garnering sympathy. Like a pity vampire. She even has a different voice she uses when she is trying to get people to feel sorry for her, this weak, high-pitched airy-whiny sound "hhh iiiiiiii", it is infuriating. I refuse to acknowledge what she says if she does that voice at me. SHe was using it on the therapist yesterday. They felt so sorry for her, I wanted to just scream. The second she is center of the attention, she won't talk like that or act like that!