And this is why SS is out of control
The night before last DH had tears in his eyes about punishing SS(5) for trying to attack me in the car while I was driving and almost causing an accident, spitting in his face, and attacking a police office and spitting in the cops face.
I just don't get it. How can you cry over parenting your freaking child? He's out of control and could have killed us all in the car and you're going to cry about grounding him? This is so effing stupid. He didn't shed a freaking tear when I told him that SS caused me to drive into on coming traffic. He doesn't cry when he punishes SD so why SS? That's right. I forgot. He's the golden child and DH's favorite.
My forvorite part is when DH tries to lie to me about it and tries to feed me some BS excuse of why he was tearing up. I call BS DH. I was there. I know why you had tears in your eyes for your poor wittle buddy.
I don't think that he can do it. I don't think that he can bring himself to actually parent his son. There's always an excuse as to why he can't do it. I am fed up with it.
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I wish I knew what to tell
I wish I knew what to tell you but I think everyone that has read your blogs can tell you that this is nothing new with your DH.
You claim to be fed up with it, but you KNOW it's not going to change, yet you gave up a GOLDEN job opportunity to "stick it out"???? I honestly can't even begin to understand why you stay and put up with this KNOWING damn well it's not changing ever.
I'm normally of the supportive nature but I have to be blunt here: Hearing you complain about SS5's outrageous, out of control and unacceptable behavior and the fact that DH does NOTHING to correct him and you know he never will, but you're staying put is like hearing a fat person complain about how fat they are as they eat 2 full plates and then shovel an ice cream sundae into their face...
I'm sorry but I have no more sympathy. You had the perfect way out of this horrific situation that most people wouldn't endure if they had to and you CHOSE to stay. You're CHOOSING to be miserable and life's too damn short for that.
^^^I agree 100% OP, your DH
^^^I agree 100%
OP, your DH and BM have MADE this child a monster, and if you think it's bad at 5, just wait!!!
You had a gift wrapped, on a silver platter solution to all that ails you, and you haven't chosen it. Sometimes, we have to take responsibility for the life we've created for ourselves.
"You had a gift wrapped, on a
"You had a gift wrapped, on a silver platter solution to all that ails you, and you haven't chosen it. Sometimes, we have to take responsibility for the life we've created for ourselves."
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As many times as it can be said, & as many ways as it HAS been said, there are some who refuse to accept accountability for their own choices.
There are some people you can make it clear as day to, & they will continue to refuse to even acknowledge the mention of it. They prefer to pour their efforts & energy into pointing their fingers in every other direction. They will search for reasons to be upset with everyone but themselves & they will continue to place the blame for their unhappiness on everyone but themselves.
Somehow they believe it's easier to wallow in self-pity & stay unhappy & angry than it is to choose to be happy & at peace.
There's no shame in recognizing that we've made a poor choice. The shame comes when we choose not to fix it.
I agree, Storm. Sadly, it
I agree, Storm. Sadly, it seems to be an almost daily occurence on this site lately.
It's frustrating, and I'd imagine it alienates their friends IRL.
I've made some serious mistakes in my past. Some of those mistakes I'm STILL paying for, even decades later!
I have to agree with ReWing.
I have to agree with ReWing.
Red, I had to laugh at the
Red,
I had to laugh at the fat person analogy and I needed that. I stay because I love my husband and I know one day these kids are going to go away. In fact at the rate SS's going he may end up locked up before 18 and with BM PASing both the kids against DH I don't think they'll want to come over anymore when they hit the pre teen phase. Sorry DH. (He's goingt to read this.) But with how horrendous your kids have been one can only hope.
The job started out at $42,600.00 and then changes to a 60/40 split after the first two months. 60 is guaranteed pay and 40 is based off of commission. This is a sales position so I would have quarterly quotas that I have to meet. If I meet my quotas I get my other 40% of my pay. If I exceed it I get more. If I don't meet it I only get 60% of what I was intitally offered and when you do the math it's not much. The quarterly quotas are in the millions so achieving it is not something simple and the clients are state and local government (and we all know how much money they have to spend.) So what I did was weigh my options. There is no guarantee that I will be making that type of money. There is a chance.
And I don't need a job making 6 figures to leave DH. I just need to get to the point where I just don't care anymore.
"I know one day these kids
"I know one day these kids are going to go away."
Oh, honey, don't fool yourself. There are posters on here with skids in their FORTIES still causing trouble.
Your skid is still a baby.
And the kids growing up &
And the kids growing up & moving out of the house doesn't change the attitude of the parent or the child. The only difference will be that your DH will be a guilty daddy to adult kids instead of underage kids. They'll still be shitty & he'll still feel guilty.
They'll just be older & have more years of experience with manipulation under their belts. Don't think he won't still fall for it E.V.E.R.Y. time.
They still won't respect you & he still won't care.
Read the posts in the adult step forum.
I hear ya honey and sorry I
I hear ya honey and sorry I had to be blunt with you but shit - after reading day after day that this kid is seemingly getting worse and putting your lives at risk, I'd just had enough you know?
You can HOPE they "go away" but in reality, they're still HIS kids. And with HIM, come his KIDS. They'll always be a part of his life. They may not always live with him or visit him but they'll always be there, somehow, someway, lurking...
And the fact that the worst part is the kid with the most problems is only FIVE years old! That's a LONG road ahead. Five?? Just because they may not want to come over after PAS sets in and they get older, doesn't mean that DH will just allow them not to (like my DH has done). He may force them to, to keep them in his life and then you're stuck again dealing with these skids that at least one is out of control and DH isn't doing jack shit about it.
The job sounded hugely promising when you said 100K, I took it for meaning just that, 100K. Didn't know the details. Either way, it just doesn't appear like this kid is going to get any better. I get that you love your DH but if he doesn't step up soon, I just can't say I see a good future for you!
I hope things get better for all of you. Truly I DO!
Red, DH is stepping up. SS
Red,
DH is stepping up. SS has been grounded and in his room since Monday. He's gone to school everyday this week. No treats and DH has been limiting his attention towards SS.
I'm just irratated that he's crying about having to parent his child. I just don't freaking get it. Who does that?
A guilty daddy.
A guilty daddy.
Lol. I know that storm. I've
Lol. I know that storm. I've just never seen anything like it. It's like he wants the kid to fail at life. I mean this can't get better if he doesn't parent.
Unhappy - I get what you're
Unhappy - I get what you're saying, I really do. About staying because you love your DH.
However, staying because the skid will be grown and gone at some point is not realistic. First, they will always be in the picture. Second, your DH will probably never change his parenting style. And third, there is no guarantee that you'll still be able to have respect for your DH after you wasted 13 years of your life waiting for the kids to be on their own.
Love is a wonderful thing. I feel you need to ask yourself one question. Are you prepared to sacrifice your wants and needs for the rest of your marriage, knowing that no one else is going to see to them?
ETA - Unhappy. I say all this out of concern for you and your emotional and mental health. It's important that you take care of yourself and see to your own needs.
I know Shaman. I already told
I know Shaman. I already told DH that both of us need to go and talk to soembody about this so that he can get a third party perspective on everything. He thinks it's just me that sees these things with his kids and how he parents. It's nuts. I think a third party might be able to show him just how crazy this whole thing is.
Skids don't ever go away. In
Skids don't ever go away. In fact, they bring MORE pain and frustration into the situation. They're called GRANDSKIDS.
>>>I know one day these kids
>>>I know one day these kids are going to go away.<<<
Where do they go? I'd like to send SD27 there if it means she will finally leave DH alone.
Lol. I have no clue. I would
Lol. I have no clue. I would like to think somewhere with four walls, a floor, a cieling, and a locked door to which they do not have a key to.
Maybe, just maybe your
Maybe, just maybe your husband is starting to realize that there might be something wrong with his son.
I hope this will lead him to talk to SS's doctor, teacher... about getting the child tested.
He doesn't think that there
He doesn't think that there is anything wrong with his son and neither do I. This is what happens when you raise a child to have all of the power and you don't teach them to respect adults. Oh and you play so rough with them and allow them to punch and kick you as hard as they can. And when you don't correct bad behavior. I better stop. I can keep going and going on this one.
DH had tears in his eyes
DH had tears in his eyes about punishing SS(5)
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Umm….sorry but that is kind of sick.
I really understand where you are coming from, but I really think you need to look at this situation with better eyes. You DH has already told you that he does not think your marriage will work. Your skid is being TRAINED to be a lunatic. AND your bio kids are going to have some backlash for seeing how WEIRD this whole situation is.
FYI - YOUR DH IS NOT GOING TO CHANGE.
I RARELY recommend leaving. But if you stay, I would almost guarantee that something VERY bad will happen to you and/or your bios and you will wish you would have left this dysfunction a long time ago.
See I lived this kind of
See I lived this kind of delusion with exhusband #2. There were no kids living with us but he had 4 by 2 other women. I was his fourth wife. He controlled my every move, cheated, lied, manipulated, abused (verbally, emotionally and physically to me, never got physical with my DD14).
I was broken down emotionally and mentally and allowed him to control my and my daughter's life for years. He moved us around the country every 6-12 mos when child support or the IRS would catch up to him or his job would fire him. He told my daughter she was fat but would force her to eat an adult portion at every meal. He broke us both down so much and made us believe he'd kill us if we tried to leave. I lost contact with my parents for 6 years due to him. My daughter finally had enough and begged to go live with her dad full time in MI. I allowed it because at that time, I figured she'd be better off being in one, stable home and not being verbally abused every day. I swear, this man got off on punishing her for simply being in the room with us. He would send her to her room to write sentences for hours. Took away her music, books, everything for not sweeping the floor to his liking. He was simply mean and nasty and I was so broken down I felt I couldn't escape. He choked me out (he was a trained killer, special forces in the Air Force prior) right in front of my daughter on 2 separate occasions, telling her "a few more moments and your mother's DEAD - you're next"...
I was beaten down, broken down, mentally exhausted and so far from "myself" than I could imagine. I put on almost 120lbs so no men would want me because he was so jealous. I drank incessantly to put up with the blob of a spineless woman I'd become and to numb the pain of watching my daughter cry so much every day.
He wouldn't allow me to go to therapy because he was afraid the therapist would strengthen me and I'd leave him. When I showed any type of fight or defiance, he'd beat me back into submission and threaten my daughter's life.
I had no scrap of myself left until I caught him red-handed cheating on me. He had no excuse. He moved out taking almost my entire paycheck. Left me with THOUSANDS in bills and to move out of our rented condo after only a few months of moving from Hawaii to Colorado. I lived in a friend's GARAGE in the middle of winter having to sleep in my clothes, coat, hat, with comforters and a space heater. I ate green beans for dinner for weeks until I got paid again. I refused to give up and committed myself at that moment to change my entire life.
I did it. I lost 115lbs, I got my self esteem back, my identity back, my Detroit attitude and not putting up with anyone's bullshit was back. I became MYSELF again. Not the abused, beaten down woman allowing someone to control my every move and intimidate me.
I will NEVER go back to a situation that I am not happy in ever again. Yes, SD14 tried my patience and tried to rule me, drive me away and is now hurting my DH. But I will never allow anyone to control me, rule me or hurt me again.
My daughter and I have a stronger relationship than ever now, even though we go months between visits. We talk every day. She's a very STRONG girl and we even survived a horrific ATV accident two summers ago together. She bares the physical and mental scars as well as I do, but nothing compares to our imprisonment with my ex for so long. We'll never be doormats for a man, that's for sure.
Sorry, I got going and couldn't stop. But when I see people going through this stuff, it just reminds me that I will never go through it again. If sharing my pain and experience can help just ONE person, it's worth it!
You have decided to stay. And
You have decided to stay. And this is your blog to vent. But it sounds to me and many others like things aren't going to change . Maybe check back in March and review your entries to see if the misery continues. My new personal therapist ( not my pre marriage counselor) tells me you have a couple choices SHICHI : accept reality THE WAY IT IS, or do something else. Like accept the facts and maybe change your attitude towards it, how you react, etc. But that's about all you can do. Or leave.
There's not really another option. You are staying. The boy is going to be a crazy horrible nightmare every day and your husband doesn't deal with it well. Things aren't going to be fun for you. That's going to be your life if you stay. So get used to it. It's REALITY.
Ahhh. There's nothing like
Ahhh. There's nothing like being b!tch slapped with bluntness.
I think things can change. Do I think it's going to be a long road? Yes. Am I going to get irratated along the way? Yes. I know DH can do this. If I didn't think that he could I would leave his a$$ and have no problem doing so.
This blog was just me venting about having to watch him freaking cry about punishing his son which I think is one of the most dumbest things I have ever seen. Plus I am PMSing.
The bottom line ladies, and DH is fully aware of it, if he can't get his sh!t together I'll leave him. I am not sticking around for the forcable train wreck in the future and he knows this.
Is it going to be a long road? Yes. Is he going to have his slip ups? Yes. But he is willing to start parenting his kids. He knows now that he has contributed to his son being this way. And I will continue to vent on here when does slip up. Does it mean that he's not trying? No. It just means that he pissed me off and I need to blow off some steam.
I will freaking call the cops
I will freaking call the cops in this kid and press charges if he ever attacks me at that age. DH can leave my a$$ over it. Won't be my fault. It'll be his.
Sueu2, I do appreciate your
Sueu2,
I do appreciate your opinion but what makes you the authority on stating that I need therapy because I'm stubborn and won't just give up. That doesn't make me weak. I don't just throw in towel because things aren't going my way. DH is trying to change and he has a lot with SD. It's different with SS because SS is his baby and his favorite. But DH is making an effort none the less.
I don't know how many posters I see on here where their DH's do nothing to change anything and don't give a sh!t what their wives think. I have one that does. It's baby steps and it's hard for him. But we'll get there. If I truly didn't belive that I wouldn't be with him.
This post is about how him crying over punishing SS irratated me. He's doing it regardless.
I feel so sorry for your
I feel so sorry for your daughter. She could have died in that car. She has a stepbrother who puts her life in. danger and a stepsister who is a bully.
Why should a child get stuck living in a house of hell just because mom fell in love with the wrong person?
That is a good question
That is a good question Disney.
Okay...you are way off base
Okay...you are way off base here. My bio is old. I don't know how to change it.
DH is making an effort to get SS back under control. It will take some time. There is nothing mentally wrong with SS. He has been raised to have all of the control and power nothing more or less. I live with this kid and have for almost three years.
What if he rages and attacks your daughter? What if he rages and gets a knife from the kitchen? If he's 15 and lands in prison for raping and knifing your daughter will him being in prison make you feel better about what happened to her?
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And this is where someone goes off the deep end and starts predicting stabbings and rapes.
SS doesn't attack other kids. He never has. He only attacks people that try to control him and get him to do somethinghe doesn't want to do. Is that right? No it's not. SS is not going to grab a knife and start stabbing someone. Believe me. I know this kid better then you. He is not going to stab my BD. And we don't have to have BM on board to set the standard as to how things will work in our home. What behavior will be tolerated and the consequences will be for bad behavior and breaking the rules.
This is nuts. The kid needs to be parented. He's actually a very sweet little boy. Ever since he found out that his mother is getting a divorce he has been super lovey with me, just coming up and giving me hugs for no reason.
The issue is with the parenting that he gets. DH is changing that. He has realized that SS could have killed us and that his behavior is not acceptable. He understands that he can't control how BM parents on her time but he can control how he parents and SS acts while he is in our care. This is not the end of the world. It's fixable.
Because SS wouldn't hurt my
Because SS wouldn't hurt my BD. He's not going to attack her and start stabbing her with some freaking prison shank he's made out of legos. He's a freaking 5 year old little boy that has been given way to much power. DH is going to start parenting like he should have from day one. We are taking extra steps to make sure that his freak outs aren't happening durring our weeks. This is all we can do other then get him into therapy which I don't see working at SS's age because he doesn't know how to articulate his feelings and he flat out told me that he acts this way because he knows that he can get out of school when his with BM by doing so.
Uh, he could've very well
Uh, he could've very well hurt your daughter, you, & him when he threw his tantrum in the car. You're being ridiculous in the excuses you make.
Today he's 5. Ask anyone who's child has lost their life to a prison shank if they expected it to happen. You make jokes, but I promise you it won't be funny when you're having to live with the guilt because you could've prevented it. It won't take him killing her to make you feel guilty. It will just take the nurses & the drs at the ER asking you how her bones got broken, how she got her bruises, etc. It will just take the police asking you what happened when you wrecked your car & someone else got hurt.
I agree the freak out in the
I agree the freak out in the car was scary and dangerous. There was a reason behind that freak out. DH picked SS up from BM's house that day because she was going to drop him off at the school after she was told not to by the police officer, principal, and school councelor. BM told DH he couldn't pick SS up until 8:40. I told DH to pick SS up at 7 because I knew SS was going to freak out. This would have allowed him enough time for him to calm himself dwon so that he would have gone to school. Obviously that didn't happen and I think BM planned it that way.
Regardless of that. BM will no long have the option of dropping SS off at school on DH's time nor will we be dealing with temper tantrums like that before school because the exchanges will be at 6 pm Sunday nights as stated in the CO. The only time this kid freaks out and assaults people is when BM is involved.
Temper tantrums aside, SS is not a violent kid. If his sisten even messes with him he's in tears. He doesn't hit. He doesn't kick. He cries when he's upset.
Do I think that there is a real possibility that if DH doesn't start parenting that he could get violently out of control when he gets older? Yes, I do. But DH is willing to parent him now and the kid is 5. He is not beyond change yet.
I cannot imagine how you be
I cannot imagine how you be in a relationship with someone for so short a time (less than two years?) and give up a career opportunity for this "marriage."
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And since when does the amount of time we have been married matter. So it makes it better to get a divorce when only being married for two years then say 25. Oh yeah, 25 is when you should work on things and not want to throw the towel in because then the marriage matters.
The fact of the matter is I took vows. Those vows mean something. Coming from a family where my father used marriage as legally dating someone I hold it in the utmost respect. Just because it's less then two years doesn't mean you throw it away for a freaking job offer. I think you may want to look into therapy if you think this way.
With the advice you give I wonder how many marriages you have been through.
"Just because it's less then
"Just because it's less then two years doesn't mean you throw it away for a freaking job offer. I think you may want to look into therapy if you think this way."
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LMAO! Didn't you frown at a poster earlier who suggested you look into counseling?
YOU were the one who posted about being torn between your marriage & this fantastic job offer, asking everyone what you should do. So, when you take out the pages of excuses, even YOU would recommend therapy for YOU.
Storm, This is the same
Storm,
This is the same poster that recomended it. I just don't get this logic. So you can throw away a marriage because it's been less then two years? So my question to you is, when do you not throw away a marriage? How many years need to be invested? I thinks it's insane to base leaving a marriage off of the amount of time you have been together and I think that anybody who thinks that way may want to talk to someone about because that's not a normal way to think.
As for posting about the job offer, I knew I couldn't leave DH. I'm not sure why I posted it other then the fact that it was an option. Regardless, I can't leave the state with my BD unless my ex says it's okay. He will never do it. I did ask him via text and he never responded. He will punish me for leaving him until our BD turns 18 and then probably won't help with the wedding, college, or anything.
You see, here's my problem, you guys start making something into something that it's not. I see it all of the time. Things get blown out of proportion and by out of proportion I mean calling a 5 year old a potential rapist. The kid is 5 and can only get away with what he has been allowed to get away with by his parents. Has his behavior gotten out of hand? Yes. He isn't beyond the ability to fix. You don't just throw away a life because it's a little banged up. What's wrong with you people? (Not all just some.) I know that most of the people on this website have horrible relationships with their SKs. Do you think that this type of mentality could be the reason behind it? I think that it might have something to do with it.
I disagree. I have lived with this kid for almost three years. I don't see a threat. I see a little kid that needs his parents to step up to the plate and do their job. Yes his behavior is extreme but both parents have let it get to this point by not correcting the behavior before hand.
Some of you guys are so
Some of you guys are so harsh! We've all been stuck in some sort of stephell at some point or another, the whole purpose of this site, correct? People do change, people do grow, she is saying she is starting to see these changes with dh and she wants to stick around to see if he can do it.
My dh was like every other poor guilty daddy on here-gotta make sure ss is happy, that he likes it here better than bm's, nothing's ever his fault, if he doesnt like hismineandours it must be hismineandours fault-in reality this kiddo was a demon child. It took dh years to fully grasp what the real deal was. But he gets it. He's not proud of his kid, he's not proud of his parenting, he knows something is wrong with his kid, he apologizes to me spontaneously for ever making me deal with the kid. He really did change. Oh, dont get me wrong, he still has little slips here and there, in which I simply remind him what the real deal is and he readjusts himself once again.
My ss has been out of my home fulltime for over 5 years (with the exception of the 4 months he was here this spring). AT one point in my life, I never thought he'd be anything but a full time resident. Things change. Life changes. Even kids change. Some become more heinous like my skid did, but others get with the program and turn out at least "ok"
If she loves this man-then I undersand her wanting to see how things play out. This kid IS only 5-he seriously could turn things around. It's a little early to be diagnosing him as a psychopath. His behavior IS seriously disturbing and one thing I would insist on is getting some professional help, op. I know that above you said that nothing is wrong with him, but IMHO, I think you are wrong. This is not normal behavior. Not even for a spoiled child who's parents dont discipline. He is aggressive and dangerous. These things MUST be taken seriously before he hurts someone. If you want to commit to stick it out-this IMO is not something you can completely disengage from-you need to stay active and involved to help assure everyones safety. Consulting with some child experts would seem to be a logical first step.
Finally someone gets it. The
Finally someone gets it. The only reason why I even posted was because Dh was crying over punishing SS. He still did it. It has taken DH years to see what I have been pointing out. Yes, things have to get out of control before he does something but he is willing to change.
I am PMSing and irratated that's why I posted this. It's not the end of the world and I need to run screaming for the hills. The kid's 5 years old. Can his behavior get worse. Oh hell yeah. But can it also get better? I think so. This is fixable.
Ok...see I was under the
Ok...see I was under the thought that it was not fixable because you have said several times that DH does NOT see a problem with his kid. Right?
So how is he going to fix it if he sees nothing wrong...? Serious question...
DH has admitted to living in
DH has admitted to living in denial with this kid and not parenting him out of guilt. With how out of hand his bahvior has become he has now finally seen the light and doesn't want to see his kid like this. He wants SS to grow up and have a healthy life and knows that he has to stop making excuses for him and start parenting him.
I truly believe that he is willing to change. He's embarassed by his sons behavior and wants to change it.
As to how he can change it, well, it all starts with DH being consistent. This is the boundary. You cross this boundary then this will happen. Consistency if the key with all kids. SS needs to be made to do what he is asked. No asking him 20 times only having to yell at him to get him to do it. He will listen. He is not the boss.
DH has a lot of work ahead of him and SS is not going to willingly give up his power. DH is going to have to stay strong and remember that this is in the best interest of his child. He needs to respect adults, be polite to them, and listen to what they say.
SS isn't a bad kid. He's jsut a kid that hasn't been taught how to act like a 5 year old. The police officer that he spit on has a child that goes to the same school as SS. He was there yesterday to pick up his kid. DH told me that he asked SS if he had something that he wanted to say to the police officer and SS said yes and walked over to him to say that he was sorry. I guess the police officer didn't see him and walked away before SS could reach him so SS is going to try again today.
I don't think that he can
I don't think that he can bring himself to actually parent his son. There's always an excuse as to why he can't do it
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This is actually the next to last sentence in your OP....
Yes, and as I also stated I
Yes, and as I also stated I am PMSing and irratated. I know he can do it. I wouldn't be with him other wise. I've seen him do it with SD and I have seen major improvements in her behavior. SS is tougher for DH. He's his baby or at least was.
Look, we all say things on this forum that we don't mean. We say things out of anger here so that we don't say them at home. I know that DH can do this. I'm just not sure if he has the will power. Does that mean that I'm going to walk away? No. That means that I will stick around to see if things change. And no it won't take any physical agression towards my BD to get me to leave. If I don't see change that's all I'll need.
And I agree completely with
And I agree completely with starting at a young age. This is exactly what I told DH about my BD. She's not the way she is now because it just happened. It's taken years of parenting. They don't learn these things on their own. They have to be taught.
And yes SS knows his behavior is wrong. He just never gets punished or when he does it's not serious enough to make an impact.