Has anybody else ever felt this way

If any of you have been following my story from the beginning you will know that there has been so much drama from the start. I have gotten to a place where I feel beaten down, depressed,and mentally and emotionally exauhsted. I don't know how I feel anymore and how to articulate it. I'm irratable and on edge constantly. All it takes is for something little to happen in order to set me off. I also have a sneaking suspion that my heart issues are anxiety attacks because of all of the stress. I just don't know what to do.

DH tried to talk with me today when he gave me a ride to work. He said that he's doing it now (actually parenting) since SS almost killed everybody in the car (amazingly enough it takes it getting to that point before he does anything and even then it's usually short lived). He asked what I have to be mad over and I really couldn't answer that question. I know that he's trying but it's only been two weeks since it happened and it's the first week that we've got the kids back since that incident. To be honest with you I really don't have to much faith in DH that he will be able to do it. Sure it's easy to keep it up in the beginning but I've seen this before and it usually fads fast.

I feel like I will always come second. I feel like if DH's kids choose not to come over when they're older because BM lets them do whatever they want at her house that he will blame me for it because I pushed parenting on him. I'm tired of never getting to spend any time with him if his kids are there (for the most part). He made a comment today in the car about how he sat with SD last night instead of SS (who is glued to him like white on rice) and instead of being happy for his trying all I could think about was great. You sat with SS for a while, then SD, and then both of them while I wondered around the house looking for something to do. (Thankfully I had to add him to my car insurance which took like an hour for some reason so at least that kept me preoccupied.) I feel like an outsider. Like his first family will always come first no matter how hard I try and how hard I fight.

I have tried and tried for three years now to fix things. I have been ignored my feelings have been cast aside and I have been accused of not liking his kids and I have stood by his side, maybe not in the most supportive ways sometimes, throughout it all and what do I have to show for it? Anger, frustration, and a general disinterest in life. I have put up with what most people would not and have seen and been apart of some of the most craziest situations that I have ever seen in regards to his ex, his kids, and himself. I have fought the good fight and for some reason always end up back where I started with promises of how everything is going to change and how he is going to work on it.

I just don't know what to do or why I feel this way. Has anybody else ever felt this way? Just numb to everything and everyone? Does anybody know why?

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Yes, I am feeling the way you

Yes, I am feeling the way you are right now. You are not alone. I think the numbness is part of defense mechanism - if you don't care you won't get hurt.

For my plan, I am going to try to not be at the house as much. Could you make plans with friends or family for the days that you know his kids will be visiting?

Very nicely put StepAside!

Thanks StepAside.

I have most definately felt

I have most definately felt this way Unhappy. I believe that it's depression. Depression which is triggered by realizing that no matter what we do, no matter what we say, no matter how we feel, that WE believe, from past experience that will never actually truly matter.

We don't matter to the Skids (I do everything for mine yet I'm treated like shit), SO/DH may care but half the time, he is blind to his kids behavior, BM/EXW rear their fugly heads & again, their happiness or issues take precidense over our own. Then there are the in-laws or even our own families that don't see the hell that we put up with on a daily basis who pass judgement on a whim.

Some of this may be an exaggeration (my SO does try to make the Skids behave, when he sees their behavior) but in reality, our feelings are made up of situation after situation in which we feel that injustice was done, BM got away with crap, Skids were turds, etc...we swallow these situations & trudge on hoping that things will get better, only to have something else happen. Eventually, a straw is tossed on & it breaks the camels back. Enough is enough & when that happens (at least for me) it takes me A LONG time to overcome my hurt, anger, disappointment & disgust in my Skids, my relationship & everything else that my life consists of.

I'm so sorry that you are going through this! I wish that I knew of a way to "fix" it, really, I do! The only thing I can think of is counseling &/or happy people pills (my mom suggests that I start smoking pot LMAO!!!)

(((hugs))) You most certainly are not alone!

Some of this may be an

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You have completely nailed it. DH is always pointing out how much better things have gotten and how he's trying now. What he doesn't understand and what I have tried to explain to him is that everything is still there to me. The hurt, anger, and disappiontment. After years of being disregarded it just doesn't go away because he all of a sudden has decided to parent. He doesn't get it. He doesn't understand it. In his eyes I should just be happy he's willing to change and move on. I just don't work that way.

I really had no expectations

I really had no expectations of how this all would turn out. I never wanted to marry anybody before I met DH. I know that I did expect to come first to a certain degree. I think it was ditzy that quoted the, "kids are the number one responsibility but the marriage is the number one priority." Sadly I feel neither and I feel that at this point it will always be this way even after they leave the house their needs, wants, and desires will always come before mine. I had no clue it was going to be this way.

We actaull have the skids 50% of the time so we get them every other week for the full week. DH sees his kids a lot more often then other parents on this website do. He has issues with parenting or rather not parenting out of guilt. He wants everybody to be happy in the house and sadly I think the only two that are, are him and SS. SS is his favorite person in the house. He told me that he has a hard time parenting SS becuase SS the only one who shows him unconditional love. DH will spend every waking minute with SS if he can so I can see how SS is very happy with the situation and shows him all of the love and affection he can where as everybody else in the house just sits on the sidelines watching. SS has what we all want but DH just can't seem to see it. SD lashes out at SS all of the time. She's constantly getting in trouble at school and I think a lot of it has to do with what I would consider and inappropriate amount of attention being spent on SS.

In my case, it's the same

In my case, it's the same thing that keeps repeating itself. You said your DH is actually parenting SS, but you know it's short-lived based on historical data. Something big happens, DH steps up, things even out, DH steps back, things ramp up, something big happens... it's like a broken record.

That's the part that brings me down. Nothing ever changes except the date. DH's answer to everything is to overlook it until we're at Defcon 4, then he gets all shitty and yells "What the hell do you want ME to do about it??" (referring to why his kids behave the way they do). Same when the ExW starts stirring the pot. Um, be a PARENT. Be and ADULT. Get some BALLS about you once in a while. How come he can talk to ME in that tone, but doesn't DARE talk to anyone else that way??

I just want MY life back. I feel like the last few years I've given for others while all they've done is take. Rearrange holidays, vacations, schedules, weekends, etc. Smile and nod the entire weekend while I have to tolerate two kids who refuse to even be in the same room as I am.

I have slowly started turning things around and taking my life back. It feels good, but I know it's a long road ahead of me until I feel really good about how it's going.

In my case, it's the same

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Yes, Yes, and Yes. This is exactly what happens with me too. How have you started to take you life back?

I broke my "giveashit" button

I broke my "giveashit" button on purpose.

I finally told him....he parents his kids however he damned well pleases. I will parent mine. The two paths will NEVER cross.

Likewise... he takes full responsibility for his ExW. If he lets her ruin our (HIS now) holidays, weekends, vacations, so be it. Not ruining mine (I posted a blog on this earlier). I actually attended my family's Christmas by myself because he let the ExW control the situation, so I left him sitting at home all by his lonesome. I told him he'll get the same reaction from me if/when she starts screwing with our vacations.

In essence, I pulled myself OUT of HIS insanity loop. I will admit that the SK's are late teens, so it's not like I have to worry about watching them while he's at work or anything, but I did tell him about 5 years ago that if he's not here, they're not here based on a single incident that occurred.

In the last few weeks, DH and I have had a couple enlightening "discussions". He knows what I'm doing, and he knows I'm serious about it. Anything "first family" is no longer my concern or my worry.

Anything "first family" is no

Anything "first family" is no longer my concern or my worry.

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And this needs to be my take on it as well. The only issue that I have is that his kids are so young that it makes it hard to have that approach. I can't just ignore the first family especially since every other week it's up close and personal.

I have felt this way before.

I have felt this way before. My dh has promised to change many times-and he actually has-but I still always have concerns about him backsliding. Always. Every so often I need to go to him and ask for reassurance. He's pretty good at giving it, but sometimes he gets defensive. Changing is definitely a process. Two weeks is not going to resolve a problem, but yes it is a start.

I talk alot to my dh about him putting me first. I am his partner. His other half. The most important person in the world to him. I use these phrases with him alot. Often just describing the way I feel about him-but i'm not gonna lie also to drop a hint and remind him who he needs to be putting first at all times.

I talk alot to my dh about

I talk alot to my dh about him putting me first. I am his partner. His other half. The most important person in the world to him.

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I came to the realization a while back that this will never happen. I will never come first to him and I will most deffinitely never be the most important person in the world to him. I believe this is how it goes in our household:

SS
SD
MIL
FIL
BIL
GIL
Best Friend
ME
MY BD
DOG
BM

Granted depending on the situation BM can transition up the line not based on importance but more of a trying not to p!ss her off move. Depending on the situation he actually treats BM better then he does me sometimes with the way that he talks to me. He keeps talking about how he handled her the other day when he hung up on her like things are changing. That is the only time that I have ever seen him do anything like that to her in three years. Not that I am not guilty of the same, but I've had him tell me off a time or two and I have never done anything close to what this lady has done to him. He would never do that to her. Wouldn't want to upset her. So if you look at how the line up goes, it's his family first and then mine. The lines were drawn up a long time ago. I've known that they were there a for quite a while, but there is a difference between knowing and accepting it. I think that the haze of denial is lifting and I'm being left with a truth that makes me want to throw in the towel and call it good. I mean, what's the point if this is how things are going to be. I deserve better. I deserve to be first just for once. I deserve to be the most important person in someone else's life. Not an after thought while decisions are being made by the first family members.

Thanks Ripley. Your advise is

Thanks Ripley. Your advise is spot on as usual. I need a break or a vacation of some sort to just get away and clear my head. Obviously that won't be happening but it would be nice.

You know DH always says that I focus on the negative all of the time and I don't see how good we have it. I keep trying to explain to him that it's easy for him to see the good in all of it. It's his drama and his life regardless of whether I am in the picture or not it would of happened and will continue to happen. There's nothing he can do about it but accept it. I am the one who he drug through the mud in his adventures of parenting and boundary setting with his ex kicking and screaming the whole way.

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Has anybody else ever felt this way

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