The "We" argument
Lynn, I have to say that this was a bit judgmental. I am not meaning to be rude because I know that wasn’t your intention. Everyone has to stop seeing the world as black and white. There are many shades of gray. For some of these women, it is “we” for them. They help in many different ways. As we talk about many BM’s on this website, we cannot control anyone else’s household. So if their DH gives them more responsibility or privileges, BM doesn’t really have a choice. It is their house and their rules. BM’s need to get over that. She is not the important one anymore. His wife is. I have to say though that the point when it stops being “we” is the point where the relationship is failing.
Many of the women that commented that it will never be “we” for them have husbands who refuse to stick up for them. It is not “we” for them because the husbands are “we” with their children. They allow their children to disrespect their wives, call them chickenheads, be up at all hours of the night, and let their adult children control the situation.
Someone commented that ladies put this on Steptalk but don’t say it in real life. I agree with this. And many ladies are so attached to the situation that for them it is personal. I would rather be “we” any day while having my husband support me on every aspect. We discuss every decision including all aspects of our lives. I may be overstepping with BM. But guess what? I don’t give a shit about her. My HUSBAND respects ME and turns to ME for advice. He likes to say that children will grow up and leave, spouses are forever. My SS will be in even more trouble if he disrespects me than anyone else. I am IMPORTANT. It is sad that these wives have been put on the back burner. I will take that “WE” over what these ladies have any day.
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Comments
My point precisely...You said
My point precisely...You said it better than I did FML. No disrespect to Lynn at all whatsoever, because I think Lynn is great! I just feel it was a blanket comment. My DH supports me in everything I do. I know not everyone has that, and I get that... some of us really are A WE.
Lynn is AWESOME! I agree. No
Lynn is AWESOME! I agree. No disrespect intended. I'm just saying that the ladies who are forced to disengage and learn coping skills are doing it for one reason: YOUR husband is allowing you to be disrespected. If he made them mind, you wouldn't be in that position. You are not a "we" because your husband chooses to be "WE" with skids and/or BM.
EXACTLY. My DH is just as
EXACTLY. My DH is just as much to blame for the way things are as SS and BM are, if not more so, because HE is MY husband, and HE chooses not to respect OUR marriage and put it first. He is a WE with SS and I am just the chick he's married to, the one that cooks, cleans, does the laundry, scrubs the toilets, takes out the trash, does the yard work, takes care of the animals, is responsible for making sure the bills get sent off on time, the one that cleans up all the destruction his son leaves behind when he is in my home, the one that is mistreated nonstop, the idiot, to sum it up.
I don't want to blanket that
I don't want to blanket that comment either. Every situation is very different. I have to say that when it stopped being "WE" for me, my relationship is failing.
I totally feel the same way
I totally feel the same way but then again, my ssons are 4 and 5. Maybe things will change when they get older but for right now, I do say "we" because that works for us. Even before we got married and I was unsure and uncomfortable when it comes to discipline or setting boundaries in OUR home, DH told me "You are the mother in this home" and he does treat me as such. I've been in the boys lives since ss4 was still drinking formula and ss5 was 2 years old and I feel like we're a real family. I'm not living in denial that BM doesn't exist nor am i trying to replace her but while the boys are with us (we bought the house together so it's our home),DH and I work together to take care of them. I help him with their laundry and bathing, I do storytime at night, I take them to school 3 days a weeek, DH and I take turn cooking, etc... When I say "we", I'm not trying to overstep my boundaries but rather I'm supporting my husband. Heck, BM had not problem demanding that MY salary be counted toward child support. She refuses to work and provide for her children but has no problem wanting my hard earned money. Or just last week when she wants the kids to go private school that DH alone can't afford. That imposes on my lifestyle and therefore I have a say and tell DH there's no way in hell am I going to work 40+ hours a week to help DH pay for private school while BM who demands it seats on her ass at home all day. BUT I have never gone to court with DH when him and BM have a court date or mediation I agree that's not my place. BM does not deserve that respect but I'm giving it to her anyway by staying out of the court room even when I so badly want to be there to support my DH. I also don't go when DH goes to pick up the kids, and if for some reason I go with him, I stay in the car or at he drops me off at Starbucks and picks me up after he leaves BM. I do my best to not interact or breathe the same air as BM.
I avoid BM at all costs
I avoid BM at all costs because she makes me nauseous. If my FDH wants me there to support me, I will be there. It is a decision that "WE" will make together. BM has no problem including her SO at the time in any proceedings. The difference is, I don't make an ass out of myself. I have been commended many times by officials for being a strong, silent part of FDH. It will continue to be that way as long as WE agree to it.
We don't have BIO kids
We don't have BIO kids together... a WE is still a must for us. I don't think that is true for everyone. But in our case, this is the ONLY way it will work. I am the primary caretaker for all of our kids. If I don't have a "say" in it, I wouldn't be the caretaker.
I completely agree with
I completely agree with Katebitesback. If you want any sort of true blending in your family, then there has to be a "we". We are the foundation of our family.
The way I see it. "We" are married. "We" have a family, which includes "our" children. "We" have a home together.
DH has kids from his first marriage. "We" set the times they can come over to "our" home to visit with "our" family. BM has no rights, privileges, or say as to what goes on in "our"home.
If Bm doesn't like she can eat dirt.
I am also a BM, and what happens in my ex's home with his SO, is his business. He is a great father, which is something I considered prior to having kids with him. I know that he would never let anyone the kids.
I get what you're trying to
I get what you're trying to say. I still disagree. Any court proceedings I have ever had with my ex... his girlfriend has always been there. I EXPECT her to be a part of it. I wouldn't be surprised to hear her say "We are taking FML to court." They are a unit and treat themselves as such. I have never heard a negative word from any official for my involvement. The truth is if "WE" took her to court, it would be "US" taking her to court with "OUR" money, "OUR" time and "OUR" decisions. No woman in good taste actually goes around bragging about how "WE are taking BM to court" in real life. Of course I'm not going to stir shit. It is totally fine if that's the way your household works. (aren't you working on an exit plan? It makes sense that neither spouse would be involved if that is the case.) That is not the way it works for US. BM or anyone else can complain about it all day long just like I can continue to say WE all day long. You can't control anothers actions.
I understand what you're
I understand what you're saying to a large extent, but I think in many cases, just like finances, the custody issues affect the SP to a large extent. The last custody hearing about SD, DH wanted me there. In many cases, the SM is the one that's being looked to to essentially babysit the kids on dad's time. That affects her, why Wouldn't she want a say in the custody hearings? Maybe not in the court room but certainly in the conversations with her spouse.
If DH tried to go back for a custody battle now, it Would affect me. It would involve household finance to pay for the lawyer. It would mean my DH being a pissy beast and stressed out mess during the proceedings. If he got anywhere, it would mean me having to deal with SD being in my house. So I guess I don't see where the black and white line is of custody Only involving a bioparent that's remarried.
I Do understand what you're saying and I in no way would feel like I was trying to custody of my SD. But it sure as hell would affect me and it sure as would lead to my DH getting served with divorce papers if he ever thought to stand there and tell me that he didn't want to hear anything from me about it because it's custody and only involves him and BM.
I don't think that any matters are so cut and dried when it comes to a new family. There really is Very little in my husband's life that won't affect me and affect our family. I just feel it's almost like saying there's an announcement that a spouse is moving one of their parents into the house but since it's Their parent, the spouse isn't affected and has no say in the matter and should stay out of it.
If your exH's gf's money and home were involved in the custody battle, if she could get called in to testify, or as in many of the cases we see here, she's being investigated by CPS and interviewed by a GAL, I would say she's Definitely involved and it's very much a we.
If you're talking a straight forward, non-crazy mediation and parenting plan, I agree, stepparents can take a back seat and it shouldn't be a 'we' thing, but I think there are so many possibilities to exceptions that to make the blanket statement is just a bit short-sighted.
D ruIm typing this on my
D ruIm typing this on my phone so excuse the typo's
Im a BM, there is only one WE. That is me and my ex. We together make decisions for our children.
DH and I are We in regards to our home and rules that are implemented for my daughters.
Dh is not invited into legal decisions, and isnt even considered part of the we ownership (for lack of a better word) of my daughters. And a judge wont even consider his opinion or thoughts on a legal matter.
We my ex and i also are financially responsible for our children.
Now where SD is concerned we were a we when we removed sd from a physically abusive situation, there was a we because SD involved me in issues with school.
I was asked to participate in creating an out of state court order. Because it affected my life (length of time for for visits and such)
But there is no we when it comes to dh and rules in this house for sd. That is the discord here.
I think lynn is referring to letters sent to bm using the word we, or someone saying we are teaching skids not to love bm. I think her point was there is a time and place for the use of we.
We have house rules, we have rules regarding respect, we are concerned about xyz. But let me assure you, in 90% of custody issues the we is where the problem is.
Sometimes i think we (lol) as sm involve ourselves and overstep (im guilty in the past i admit) and create our own issues. Every one of us that have bios understand the momma bear mentality. The use of we when it comes to my kids is going to set me off, therefore i dont involve myself in a we with skids.
If it's letters to BM, I have
If it's letters to BM, I have better taste than that. I'm not going to stir shit on purpose. But every situation is different. It is only overstepping if your spouse thinks you're overstepping ;). As someone else said.... Everyone else can eat dirt. As for posts on here... it is not required to be politically correct. WE are voicing opinions. lol
I completely agree with your
I completely agree with your post, 100 percent.
Me too. I don't want to be a
Me too. I don't want to be a "WE"
Me too. I don't want to be a
Me too. I don't want to be a "WE"
Well, I can assure you that
Well, I can assure you that my relationship with my DH is NOT failing. He and I are a "we" when it comes to our marriage and our child(den). He can deal with all things related to his other child. She is not my child, so her parents have to decide what they think is important as it relates to her. I am in no way responsible for her and I'm happy with that.