Yes, because my daughter is 15 and no matter how angry she gets, she'd NEVER speak to an adult the way SD14 does or Porcelain's SD did. She has friends she talks to, she'll talk to me most of the time, and she also has a journal she writes in from time to time.

She's never been in therapy or counseling even after experiencing severe trauma (our accident, verbal abuse by my ex, constant moving and having to make new friends and be the new girl in school, etc) and has never acted remotely close to as immature and babied as SD. She's only 6 mos older so there's not a huge age difference either.

I think that most of them know exactly what they're doing and how nasty and hurtful their behaviour/words are to the person they're aimed at. They're just too selfish to think of anybody's feelings than their own and it gives them some sort of satisfaction to put someone else down. It probably comes from their own anger, jealousy and insecurities and they have this warped idea that being horrible to someone else makes themselves look and feel good. My ex husband had serious self esteem problems and felt inferior to others, but instead of working on improving himself he lashed out at the nearest target - me! It was his pathetic attempt at making himself feel powerful and important. He had had some problems in childhood but according to his mother he had bullied his younger brother while they were growing up, and as someone else already said, having a bad childhood etc is no excuse, and there are many people who have had terrible upbringings who do not get their kicks from abusing others. I was abused as a teen and have never abused anyone in my life, my dh had a difficult childhood and was terribly bullied by an uncle and his older siblings and he has never abused anyone either. I know people who have been through the most horrible trauma as kids and have grown up to be such strong, compassionate and good people and then others like my ex husband who have grown up to be monsters. I think kids that get away with treating others like shit while they're young are often the ones who end up as spouse/child batterers and/or violent criminals who end up in jail. I strongly believe that childhood trauma/abuse can be seen as a reason for bad behaviour but it is never, ever an excuse and should not be tolerated in any way.

I think they know that there are better ways to handle it but they are testing boundaries. If there are no conquences to doing whatever they feel, why would they ever conform to society's standards? It is also a power thing.

I have no clue.

I never was involved enough with a parent to pay attention to the skids until DH. Which is saying something since I am pushing 70.

I just know that I personally do not put up with crap - especially in my own home.

I do realize that SS27 had pathetic parents. He was the result of a ONS years after BM and DH's divorce. No one wanted him. So sad, too bad. But once you are grown you just deal with whatever hand you were dealt.

Cheri, i agree about selfishness that makes the world go round, and about having diminished expectations of kids who feel threatened. The 14yo SD is acting out her feelings in this instance, being as vicious as she can. My take on it is, feeling jealous and threatened by the new baby is ok - any kid would feel that, that's how humans are wired. Those are NORMAL feelings. Acting on them - lashing out, starting verbal attacks is NOT ok. Let's find a way to deal with your feelings that is more appropriate to your age and stage of development. Like writing in your diary or seeing a therapist.

As for me, I would actually love to teach this SD a lesson Cyrano-style, and show her how to talk about her SM's individuality and eccentricity with a flair. Porcelain, you could come up with language and give her some phrases that would show that you are not afraid of acknowledging your rare beauty. Isn't my skin more exquisite than snow? Doesn't my hair make you think of butterfly wings? Wouldn't you like to be the fair princess that makes people sit up and stare when she enters the room? Don't you know i look like the lilies on the coat of arms of French Kings?

Uncharitably, i would say show her that you are a rare bird, dignified and precious, and she is a common viper. She is barking at you because she is being coached to hate by the BM? Let her see what class and pride in your unique-ness look like. If you have it, flaunt it kind of thing.