After talking with a MI attorney, I've drafted a proposal to exH

Since the attorney recommended waiting until after spring break is over and DD15 is back in MI so exH cannot interfere with her trip, I plan to send him this email and follow it up with a phone call to be sure he received it and ask his thoughts. What do you all think? Fair?

Dear Ex:

I propose the new parenting agreement to be as follows:

• DD will reside in Colorado with me full time and attend high school here until graduation in 2016. I will not move out of state or make her change schools for the duration of her remaining school years.

• DD will come to Michigan for visitations that are agreed upon between you and her (spring break, summer, Christmas), but you’ll be responsible for paying for her round trip flights because I will NOT be asking for any type of child support or financial support from you.

• NO child support will be exchanged between either parent. I will waive all legal rights to any money from you for DD’s care.

• I will provide her medical coverage, vision, dental and prescriptions and take her to the doctor annually and when necessary.

• I will provide for her care 100% while she’s with me (clothing, food, supplies, toiletries, etc). You will provide for her care 100% while she’s with you.

• I will assume full financial and physical responsibility for her dog and cat.

• I will claim DD on my taxes every year.
_________________________________________________________________________________
If you disagree or cannot compromise with the above proposal, I have consulted with a Michigan attorney and will file a motion in court to modify the custody agreement formally and will seek full child support at that time. I already have been told that this is very doable and just because you have established domicile does not mean that you have the most favorable home life for DD. At her age, her testimony to a judge weighs HEAVILY as well as the fact that she is willing to leave her friends and high school speaks volumes.

I only want what is best for DD. I am willing and have the financial backing to fully pursue this in court. I will have no problem winning this case according to the several attorneys I’ve spoken with due to the facts listed above. I do not want to cause financial hardship on either one of us and offer the proposal with complete confidence that it is best for all involved.

Please let me know what you’re willing to do in the best interests of DD before summer break. I will have to draft a new court order and have your signature and file it with the court so I can enroll her in her high school of choice by August. Arrangements also need to be made to bring all of DD’s things as well as her pets to Colorado.

Thank you for your consideration in this extremely important matter.

RedWingsFan's blog
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I think it sounds perfect and

I think it sounds perfect and covers everything. I hope your daughter is back with you soon!! She sounds like a sweet girl.

Thanks. I'd hardly call her

Thanks. I'd hardly call her "sweet" outright (she'd HATE that - prefers to be considered a "hard ass" really!) but she's definitely a good girl and deserves a good life.

Great letter, Red wings! My

Great letter, Red wings!

My suggestion: I'd take out the line "I do not want to cause financial hardship on either of us..."
You want him to think money is not an issue for you, that you're rolling in dough (even though you aren't) so he'll take the threat of a costly court battle seriously.

Otherwise he may think "she's broke, she's really not going to take me to court".

You MIGHT even want to say "however much a legal battle costs me I don't care" or "when it comes to my DD's happiness money is no object".

Good luck!

Amber - thanks for that.

Amber - thanks for that. That makes MUCH more sense. Yes, I'm lying my ass off about having the financial backing to fund this, but I have to do something right? I'm changing the letter now to incorporate your suggestions! Thank you!

ETA: My changes are as follows: It does not matter to me how much this legal fight costs or how long it takes, I’m going to do whatever it takes to make sure DD is where she wants to be and is taken care of properly. I offer this proposal with complete confidence that it is best for all involved.

Yes, I like the change!

Yes, I like the change! That's it, girl, BLUFF your way!! Here's hoping ex blinks!!

Thanks. I will, of course,

Thanks. I will, of course, be posting updates as they come about. Right now, I'm going to try and focus on the happy occasion of DD coming to CO for a week

Good job! I think it will

Good job! I think it will probably work. Also, if she is making his life miserable on that end, it may make him move quicker...SD16 made us all miserable after she made the decision and one last fight with DH is what made him finally drop her off at BM's.

I can only hope so. I know

I can only hope so. I know he's struggling financially and if he thinks that somehow I have the financial power to drag him through a long and costly legal battle, he may just say FINE. He does know that my DH's dad and grandparents have a lot of money...I will reiterate that to him on the phone if he happens to ask where my money is coming from! Although his mother is quite wealthy herself.

I think it sounds great. Best

I think it sounds great. Best of luck to you and dd.

Thanks. I have plenty of

Thanks. I have plenty of time to tweak it and work with it. But the attorneys I spoke with did instill some hope that it's possible

Maybe leave out the money

Maybe leave out the money aspect entirely....might make him dig his heels in hard if you approach him like that. Almost seems like a challenge. As if you are claiming to love dd more than him since you are willing to fight. Don't want his ego involved if this is the nice letter trying to get him to do this volunterily.

Maybe just tell a little white lie to dd that grandpa is funding this so you have a lawyer ready and waiting to go on retainer. I'm sure it will casually be mentioned at some point in their home.

True, but money is the key to

True, but money is the key to him. If he thinks he'll end up having to spend money, he won't want to go forward. And since he's told DD several times that "mom never fought for you, all she cares about is having to pay me CS", I'm letting him know that I AM fighting him this time and HARD.

Sounds great. I actually

Sounds great. I actually don't mind your comment about not wanting to cause financial hardship on anyone. I think a guy would interpret that as gentlemanly and fair. If you get huffy and puffy he might respond in a more prickly fashion. I'd try to keep it as unemotional as possible and just a straight up cost/benefit and risk/analysis. Hate can drive a person to destroy themselves just to hurt you. As long as he keeps his cool I think he'll see that the smartest thing for him to do is let you have your daughter.

I also want to point out that

I also want to point out that his girlfriend has never wanted DD there and tells her it' HER choice and always has been to stay with them. I just hope that she pushes ex that much more when she finds out I'm willing to drag him through court and cost them money!

Sounds like you know which

Sounds like you know which buttons to push with your ex. Each situation is different, you know where your ex's weak spots are, so hit those spots you know will hurt your ex the most.

Yeah, with him it's money and

Yeah, with him it's money and control. Yes, he'd be relinquishing control over her if he reverses custody and I know he'll think he'll look like a failure to his family for doing so. That, plus he doesn't want to lose that steady money coming in, especially since he got my $600 tax refund check last week. GRRRRRRR FOC intercepted it and sent it right to him. GRRRRRRR.

He got your refund? Ouch!

He got your refund? Ouch! I'm so sorry!!

Since your ex likes control, is there any way you can make it seem like DD moving back with you is HIS idea? Or how moving DD back would make him look like a good father and not a failure? Anyway you could get any of his family to talk to him for you?

Just brain storming ideas...

Yes, he got it due to the

Yes, he got it due to the fact that my corporation fucked up the initial CS order and didn't start my withholding for 2 mos after the fact, so I was in arrears about $750. Since they upped my bi-weekly withholding to account for and pay down the arrearage, I didn't know the IRS would automatically send any refund I had right to him to pay it down. Well, now I'm only $150 in arrears so I can have that paid easily and quickly.

I really wish I could make it appear that it's his idea but he's too smart for that. He knows that she wants to come, he knows I want her back and he's the only one fighting it. So I'm not quite sure how I could reverse that psychology on him.

His family all HATE me and don't want to see DD move away again even though they hardly see her, so unfortunately, that won't work either. But thanks for the suggestions and for your concern to help me. I can use all that I can get right now!

Are you behind on cs? They

Are you behind on cs? They will only grab BMs' refunds for us when they are over 5000 in arrears.

I know money will hit him where it counts..but I still think your first correspondence should be completely amicable and about dds best interest. Save the money threat for later if needed.... I really think going in guns blazing is going to backfire.

Yes, he got it due to the

Can you tell me how you'd reword my initial letter to him to be more amicable?

Instead of the paragraph you

Instead of the paragraph you posted about not caring how long it drags or how much it cost...try something like this.

We have both always kept dds best interest ahead of our own desires and hope that we can continue to do that. I agreed to send her because I could see that she was better off with you at the time and I know you will see that she needs to be with me now. Please let me know your thoughts on this matter promptly.

How about this: You were the

How about this:

You were the right choice for her a few years ago, but she’s grown and her needs have changed. It is in her best interests that she be allowed to finish out her high school years in a place she feels comfortable and happy. I know deep down you want that for her too. Please consider her feelings in this whole thing.

And at the end I asked for his response by May 1 (I won't send the letter until April 9 after she arrives home).

I like that better.... But it

I like that better.... But it still feels like a dig at him to imply that she isn't comfortable or happy at his house. Hes not going to want to admit that she hates it there that makes it his fsilure that shes leaving.

I would stick with how her needs have changed and she's at an age where she needs to be with her mother. That makes him the loving caring father who let's his daughter go because its what's best for her.

I know you want to get your dig in on him....but this letter isn't the time to do it.

He knows she's not

He knows she's not comfortable or happy there though. I will remove that though to soften the blow.

Do you think it would be helpful to add "She will respect you more if you allow her to make this decision and support her through it"?

I don't really want to get any digs in on him through this letter, I just want to get it across that she needs to be allowed to move here and if he refuses, I'm willing to take him to the mat for it!

ETA: how's this (because he always says she needs to be more respectful of him): At her age, her testimony to a judge weighs HEAVILY as well as the fact that she is willing to leave her friends and high school speaks volumes. You were the right choice for her a few years ago, but she’s grown and her needs have changed. It is in her best interests that she be allowed to finish out her high school years in a place she feels comfortable and happy. I know deep down you want that for her too. She will have more respect for you if you support her and allow her to make this choice for herself. Please consider her feelings in this whole thing.

I like that. And then if he

I like that.

And then if he doesn't agree you can use your threat of litigation and a drawn out custody battle.

Ok Can I PM the entire

Ok Can I PM the entire changed letter to you?

Sure.

Yeah, I like it too. You

Yeah, I like it too. You putting that her needs have changed is sort of like a "change in circumstances" statement.

Good ideas Cheri. I shall do

Good ideas Cheri. I shall do that!

Looks good redwings! Good

Looks good redwings! Good luck!!!

Yeah, I know some judges will

Yeah, I know some judges will order it but I'm not counting on the fact that he knows that. I'll rephrase it and yes, he'll get bent if it is ordered but at that point I will not give a damn!

Go at it girl! Sounds

Go at it girl! Sounds fantastic.

Reds you may want to add this

Reds you may want to add this (only because I just had a consult too) that visitation out of state will be possible until such time as she is gainfully employeed. I made this mistake of not including it and it is now biting me...

You mean so if she gets a

You mean so if she gets a part time job here in Colorado, she can't travel to MI for visitation? Yeah, he won't go for that one.

I can't tell him I'm taking her away for the school year and also if she gets a summer job she won't be coming for summer there either. He won't stand for that.

Does he know you are

Does he know you are interested in switching custody? I really hope she gets to live with you. We got SKIDS by stating we would never ask for CS. Nice of BM to take it to a whole new level and never once spent one dime on the SKIDS. Even tried to tell them she contributed to gifts and vacations we took them on!

Can you take your DD to a court or judge while she is visiting and request an immediate intervention? If your ExH is as awful as she said it might be worth a try and then she doesn't have to go back. Poor girl. i don't get how a bio parent can treat kids so bad. I super dislike my SKIDS and wish I disengaged when they were little but never wanted them to live such F'd up lives BM was leading them too. I at least tried to unleash slightly productive members of society unlike her that popped out 3 more kids that are all druggy criminals.

He knows I have wanted her

He knows I have wanted her back ever since I divorced my ex and got back on my feet. She was happy there (for the most part) because she had her friends and her school to distract her. Now that he's neglecting her further, she doesn't have my mother to "rescue" her and she's grown older, she is miserable and wants to move in with me.

Unfortunately, since the custody case is in Michigan, a Colorado judge would have nothing to do with that. I can't prove she's in danger or there's any drug use or abuse or anything like that to warrant an emergency order, so there's nothing i can do here.

You could always throw in

You could always throw in there something about how a girl really needs her mother at this age-just so he wont feel that it is a personal assualt on his parenting.

Thank you so very much!

Thank you so very much! Fellow Michigander and Red Wings fan - you have to be awesome! LOL

Thanks for the support. I can only hope it works!

Unless you get him to agree,

Unless you get him to agree, I don't think you'll have a chance of getting custody. There has to be a substantial change in circumstances for custody to change.

You're right, a judge will take into consideration what the kid wants, but not as much as you think. Kids that age will use that card whenever they're not getting what they want. Kids that age are infamous for that. That's why some parents of divorce resort to trying to be their friend rather than their parent. They're so afraid that the kid will want to live with the other parent.

I dont necessarily agree with

I dont necessarily agree with this. At 15, what she says will carry a lot of weight (unless she is saying I want to live with RedWings because she lets me smoke weed every day)-and if Redwings takes some additional steps-like having dd go to school counselor to talk about how unhappy she is to provide unbiased professional documentation I think she has a very decent chance.

But I do think it is best if you can get him to agree-which I think, from what you've said he will. It will cost both of you thousands and thousands of dollars for a long, drawn out custody battle. my guess is he does not want that, his gf does not want that-the gf wants her gone anyway-gf would likely have to be involved in the custody case-if a GAL is involved shed mostly certainly want to interview her-it just is a lot to go through if the whole household is not on board and willing to assume the financial risks and essentially for what? (from your ex's perspective?)The thousands he would spend in legal fees to maybe keep her would probably be more than the monthly child support he gets for her remaining few years.

^^^Yes, hismineandours,

^^^Yes, hismineandours, that's precisely what one attorney has also told me.

All I can do now is wait until our visit for spring break is over and then send him the letter, cross my fingers and hope for the best!

Thanks for your comment,

Thanks for your comment, totalybogus, however; the attorneys in MI that I've spoken with and laid out the entire scenario have deemed that a change of circumstance HAS occurred and have all told me that this is very doable given the testimony of my very articulate and mature 15 yr old daughter as well.

And it's not about not getting what she wants at home. She doesn't go to her dad for love, affection, attention, support, anything. He's very neglectful and I have proof he doesn't supply basic necessities. Also, the fact that she's willing to leave her roots in school and friends will weight heavily to my favor.

I've been there- done that.

I've been there- done that. to the tune of $40,000.00 and additional child support. My husband's daughter did this same thing. Our attorney said we had a great chance. Of course she did, she made out like a bandit.

How old were the kids

How old were the kids involved? Was it in Michigan as well?

ETA: He definitely can't take me for more Child support, my income has decreased since the original order due to some back bills I got garnished for.

Also, I have a few attorney friends that have no interest in this case at all other than to guide me and they also say that circumstances have changed and I'd have a shot at this, so if he doesn't agree to the proposal letter, I'm going at him in court.

SD was the same age as your

SD was the same age as your daughter. We are in Florida. I'm not saying that to be mean. I'm telling you to be prepared to potentially enter the money pit. For us, it definitely wasn't worth it. My SD said all the same things you're saying your DD is saying.

You are here

After talking with a MI attorney, I've drafted a proposal to exH

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