Friction From An Unexpected Source
You've weathered the storm of the divorce. You've toughened up to life as a single. Time passes and wonder of wonders you find that perhaps your heart can love again and even more of a miracle you find a mate equally willing to take a chance. You do the vows and exchange the rings and start out on this adventure all over again. Only this time you're older -- in my case, quite a bit older. I got married the first time at age 18 and was married twenty six years, single for two and remarried at age 48. I've been married for three years now. I brought to the second marriage a man/child of 16 tender years and my new spouse took on the emotional and complete financial responsibility of helping me to finish raising what is, collectively, our youngest, now at the age of 20 and a Sophomore in college two hours away. My new mate had three sons of his own (yes, I know that sounds like a line from the opening song in the Brady Bunch). My oldest stepson is only a few years my junior and he and his wife have two teenage children. The middle son and his beautiful wife have the youngest granddaughter, who is 7. The third child of my new husband was adopted by him when he was five years old and he and his mother married (my husband has been married three times before me). However, due to the toxic influence of his Mama, it is difficult for my husband and his adopted son to maintain a close relationship because he is emotionally bound to her (still lives with her and her new husband at age 27) and just carries information back and forth rather than having a mature relationship with his father. Still, I hold out hope for this one, and a spot for his picture (should he ever decided to speak to me and give me a photograph) on our "family wall".
But all that I've described thusfar, I expected when blending two families. In fact, the step children have been surprisingly wonderful, given all that they've been through over the years. They were polite to me from the beginning. They allowed themselves to get to know me and respected me while doing so and gave me the opportunity to know them. They attended the wedding, and were in fact, wonderful, taking over the task of setting everything up and decorating and even the boys came home from their jobs and jumped in and ironed table cloths etc. They stayed and cleaned up afterwards. They were wonderful. Their children have followed their example, and have allowed me into their heart and have, in doing so, captured mine. I realize it's not the "same" as if I had known them from the beginning, but it is as good as it can be given our circumstance and time together. I have great respect for their biological mother and never try to force myself on them or in any way suppose that I could take her place. My son and his step-father's relationship has been equally respectful and close. My husband and I have started a tradition of family Thanksgiving and include invites to all of them and all of my family as well (sister and her husband and three boys and my two brothers, etc). This year, we had 17 beautiful faces around our table. It was wonderful!
So what, you might ask, is the fly in this blended family ointment paradise? Well therein is the surprise. The friction has come from a very unexpected source. My sister. She is 47 years young and a very successful businesswoman with three great sons of her own and a husband of 18 years. But instead of being encouraging and supportive of the way we are handling the treacherous waters of blended family-dom, she is acting very immature and peevish. Whenever I post a picture of the kids or a family pic with us in it on social medial, or whenever I mention that we've gone to see the kids and grandkids (they all live close to where my son attends college so it's a two for one thing when we visit), my sister always sends me a text message or private message with a seething negative tone and over-dramatizes that I've "re-defined" family and care nothing for her or her children any longer. All of which is blatantly untrue of course, but she still makes this HER reality.
So here I am, a 50 something woman who has managed to do the nearly impossible, blend two families together, complete with respect between bio moms and dads and children and grandchildren and yet, my own sister is causing me grief and heartache with her competiveness and inventions of abandonment where there is none. She always refers to my step children and grandchildren as "M's family". I keep trying to tell her that his family is now MY family as well and vice versa. He has been nothing but gracious and loving towards her and we invite them into our home all the time and travel to see them as much as we can. Yes, we go see the children and grandchildren, but I don't think we should be made to feel guilty for that. We are a blended family. We love our children and grandchildren. ALL of them. I also love my sister and brother-in-law and my nephews. It's not an either or. It's BOTH. I just wish my sister would behave maturely and know that because I've chosen to increase my family in this manner, does not mean that I love her any less. Any suggestions? I've tried talking sensibly with her, I've tried explaining. I've tried spending time just with her and her family and including them in the big picture. I've spent time with her at her home and have hosted her family here many times. My door is ALWAYS open to them. But nothing I say or do seems to squash her tendency to behave negatively with me in private about "M's family". How can she ever see that "M's family" is now MY family too and that there is room in this heart for all?
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Comments
Thank you so much for your
Thank you so much for your insight and advice. I know it is what I must do but I love her and find it difficult to stand firm with her when she is hurling so many untruths out. But I will try. Thank you. -Gen.
OMG - I thought I was the
OMG - I thought I was the only one who had a "sister" issue.
We have it resolved now (I hope) but my sister did a lot of damage. My best friend in another state hates my DH because of crap my sister told her.
My sister is much younger than I am. She has never included me in her social life even though many of her friends are my age. I have pretty much played the mother role to her much of her life and especially since our parents are gone.
When I got with DH I finally got to have my own life. I am the one who gave up my life to take care of our parents for almost 15 years. DH retired to spend time with me and moved into my home. I do have more money than he does but I have never shared that with her.
She painted him to my friends as being an opportunist who was using me. Believe me I am not a dumb chick. I do provide most of the finances but my DH is there for me totally. He would be there if we lived in a hovel. He benefits from money that I spend on our household but for the most part does not spend my money.
I have given my sister tens of thousands of dollars when she was very ill and could not work. She kept telling me that my DH needed to get a job. I told her that she should get a job before she started throwing stones at him.
She pretty much acted like a SD.
Thanks so very much. You let
Thanks so very much. You let me know that I am not alone in this strange and negative place with a sister who is jealous and petty of a relationship that she should be encouraging and supporting of. I appreciate it more than you know. -Gen.
Thank you both very much for
Thank you both very much for taking the time to read and comment. I really am at my wit's end but both of you have offered me something of value. AnaR has offered straight forward advice that I needed to hear. I do try this but it is easier said than done. oldone has offered me an ear and the comfort of knowing that there are others out there like me who get their negativity from an unexpected source. I thank you both more than you know. Sometimes you feel all alone here in your struggles to deal with "family", regular, step, or whatever. -Gen.
Not to beat a dead horse but
Not to beat a dead horse but to provide further insight into the problem, as an example: My sister was recently invited to our house to spend Easter here. She was here last year and so was our Mom and our Mom passed in October of last year and I figured it would be hard on her this first Easter without Mom (for me too and I could have benefited from having her here). I invited and she accepted but then invited two of our cousins for a "girls weekend outing" as well, and when I told her that I couldn't do BOTH the family thing and the girl's weekend in one short two-day span (too much for me, I work a VERY stressful job in the legal field and my husband works stressful job in medical field), well my sister became upset that I wasn't willing to host both simultaneously (I would love to host a girl's weekend as well but not on the SAME weekend as the little ones are here, to be left with their dad and my husband here at home while we girls go out and do spa day and such. My husband is older and in some pain from his back and I thought this wouldn't be the best way to go for him, so I declined but kept the Easter family invitation open and talked to my cousins and explained and they are okay and understood why I couldn't do both on the same weekend. In retaliation, my sister decided to get one cousin and her Mom (our Aunt) to come to her house instead, which meant that she declined my invitation to family Easter, which is disappointing but okay as is her choice. I do worry about her trying to put our Aunt in place of our Mom (but that is subject for another day). So my sister sent me a text last night and said that Aunt B and Cousin N are coming to her house for Easter and that we are invited. And told her that our plans hadn't changed...we were staying here and that she and the family were still invited here. She then began her tirade of negative texts to me saying that it wouldn't have hurt me to have done it her way and had everyone here for both events and that it was clear where my priority was, and that I travel to see M's family but not to see her and that she wasn't coming back to my house unless I made some effort to see her, and on and on, about seeing the pics I post on social medial and how I'm "proud" of them and that I've forgotten all about her and "my" family. Etc. Etc. Etc. you get the idea. I must admit I got a little tired of it (this has been going on for a long time) and told her quite frankly that I was sick of her made up drama. I reminded her that M and I had been at her house just this past Christmas and she even threw it in my face that while I was at her home, I was planning on going on to see the kids and grandkids before returning home (which we were, but what has that to do with the price of eggs?) Anyway, this is what I deal with from an otherwise seemingly sane woman (if you just meet her and only see her occasionally) who is successful at her career (six figure income and very business smart), but who seems to be jealous as OldOne said of every good thing that happens to me. So I think you for listening and commenting. -Gen.
Maybe she doesn't mind you
Maybe she doesn't mind you being a part of your blended family but feels you replaced her. If she felt like you were just as loving and doting towards her and her kids as you are to your and M's kids then I don't think she'd be having a hissy fit, do you?
I think that you having a successful blended family is not the real issue. She wouldn't stand by a principle that hard on something so minor. Her problem is she is hurt so she's trying to hurt you back instead of talking to you like an adult and working on a solution that makes everyone happy.
Perhaps you guys need a fresh start and some open communication to clear the air? What do you think?
Passive aggressively playing the who can be a bigger B game isn't all that fun.
Thank you for your insight
Thank you for your insight but if you knew my sister, you would know that it takes nothing at all for her to throw a "hissy" fit. And there is no open communication possible with her. She talks. She doesn't listen. I have been saying I love you forever. More importantly, I have been showing her. Just this past week, I sent her a text telling her I was excited because I had found a new place to take the boys when they visit next. A great fishing lake that they might like. I also talked to her about taking the boys on vacation on a train ride through the mountains this July. I Always include them and her and she knows that, but if I include any one else..that's when the shit hits the fan with her. That's jealous and petty and not mature on her part and I won't let her dictate to me who my family is. I married M. I love him and his children. We are also family now. She needs to grow up and respect that. But I thank you for your insight. Perhaps somewhere underneath all the ugly she may be motivated by a fear of those she loves abandoning her but if so, it is HER ACTIONS and ugly that causes people to have no choice but to say, I'm not putting up with your foolishness. -Gen.
Thanks doormtnomore>
Thanks doormtnomore> Appreciate your input. I'm sure that there are leftover issues here but I don't know how to deal with them other than to say I'm sorry for whatever real or imaginary past wrongs she things I perpetrated (and I have done so) and to try to move on from here (which I have). But she dredges up every past supposed terrible I ever did (real or imagined by her) and drags them out over and over (many of which are out and out lies and most are her twisted version of what happened). You can't keep going over and over and over the same hill. She needs to grow up and let us be adult women who support one another. I am there for her when she calls and I don't dredge up her stupidity (even this crazy shit that she pulls) but rest assured she pity parties herself every time something doesn't go her way. My friends say, why don't you just be done with it, but she is my sister and I do love her, and I keep hoping that she will mature and we'll be able to be true friends and support for each other -- especially now that our parents are gone. It may be a pipe dream, because I have tried numerous times and there are glimpses that she can behave herself and then BAM...right back into the same drama and accusations if something doesn't completely go her way. So long as everyone is doing exactly what she wants and how she wants it and when, she is a sweetie, but let anyone and especially me -- say no to something and BAM out comes the drama and the "you don't care for me" crap. It's a tired play. I've seen every act of it many, many times.
Doormatnomore: As children,
Doormatnomore: As children, I was the older sister and was expected to take responsibility from a young age for her. Although we have two older brothers, it was still more on my shoulders to watch over her when we were out, etc. She has always had issues... frequently telling Mom that Mom "loved me best" and making up her own reality as she went along. She is smart, extremely successful and financially stable, yet she falls into this destructive pattern with me all the time. Every time I move my life in a positive direction in any minor way, the old jealousy comes out. She likes to control EVERYTHING. Her kids, her husband, and me and my mom until she passed. My sister is fine so long as things go as she thinks they should, but let anyone have an original thought or decide that no, this way would work best for me and then all h-e-double hockey sticks breaks out. She begins her drama scene with "you don't love me and mine anymore."
Warmbody: I feel that it's not up to her to "mind" whether or not I'm in a blended family. I don't need her permission. I would, however, appreciate if she gave me the same respect that I gave her when she got married. When she married, she gained her husband's family and in that way, she gained several new "sisters" and I have no problem with that. She gained four siblings from her husband's side of the family. They all live close to her and they interact all the time. It's what is expected and there is no animosity or jealously on my part to her. And during my first marriage, my first husband's family was very dysfunctional and we didn't spend much time there, so there was little problem, she was still the focus of everything. But now, I've remarried and am building this new life for myself... MYSELF being the key word here, and she is acting petty and jealous. If her actions are a result of fear, then when I attempt to reassure her that I am not abandoning her and when I invite her to our home to spend holidays, then she shouldn't act out if she can't press her way and boundaries and dictations onto me. Inviting others to my home without discussing it with me first is out of her boundaries. I told her so. She began the "you don't care for me and I'm throw away" drama. I have loved that girl and been there for her since the day she was born. The day she was born. I have worked with her, cried with her, cheered her on and talked her through many things. She has NEVER done the same for me. But I understand. I'm the older sister. But I cannot and will not let her make me feel guilty over loving my new husband and by extension his children. It is an understanding that I took on when I married a man with children and grandchildren. Again, it doesn't have to be an either/or...it can be inclusive if she would put away the horns of jealousy and grow up and realize it's not always all about her.
I read your blog. The only
I read your blog. The only thing I can say is that toxic people exist - and they can be in your own family.
I've got a problem sister myself - we've never been close. Quite honestly, if I met my sister as a "stranger" she would not be a person I would want anything to do with. It's amazing that two people can have such different personalities, characters and qualities, considering we grew up in the same home.
At this stage in our lives, I have accepted the fact that she is who she is - her personality and her antics are distasteful yet are not about to change. She is a master manipulator. So rather than dwell over nasty stuff she pulls I distance myself, keep the information I provide her at a minimum (otherwise she uses that as fodder for her antics.) I try to remain as neutral as possible. This is the only way the two of us will be able to have any relationship at all.
Suggest you try the same thing - stop placating your sister and keep her on the fringes of information related to you and your family. Still include her in activities, etc. but make your decisions without including her in the plans. That only gives her an opening to create drama or to try and change things on you. Keep it simple: "We're having Easter dinner at 2 p.m. You and your family are invited. Can you make it?"
One area I have really put my foot down is if my sister starts talking to me in a nasty condescending tone (as though I am still the "kid" sister she can bully around). I remind her that I am a middle-aged adult now and she needs to watch her tone. I'm not putting up with that crap anymore at my age - certainly not in front of others.
You can do something similar when she tries to chastise you in e-mails - remind her that you are a middle-aged adult and you don't need her advise NOR criticism on how to refer to, or make plans with, YOUR family.