Holiday stresses!!!! (RANT)
SO and I have spent the entire week fighter over Easter! My family usually goes to an Easter Buffet so that no one person is responsible to host. This year we are going to HLL. My SO's previous employer. He got let go from HLL in July. He has not been back since. Now my family decided to have Easter there and he refuses to go. This makes me angry because this is our first Easter with OUR daughter. Which means: My first Easter as a mom, BD first Easter, My first Easter with a TIE to our family (I'm not just dad's SO), and Our first Easter as our family of 4!!! I bend over backwards to do things to make his son feel special. I (along with our BD at 1 week old) went trick or treating with SO's EX and her parents and her whole family. I would never EVER do it if I wasn't concerned about SO and SS's feelings and wishes. He doesn't want to miss a single holiday with SS but doesn't seem concerned about me or BD. His response was "For Christ sake, she is an infant. She isn't even going to remember this!!!" I am not an infant and I WILL remember our first Easter with her and I WILL remember that you weren't there. It is already bad enough that you act like she is a burdon when she fusses but when SS throws himself on the floor in a tantrum it's no big deal. I feel like he will go to the ends of the earth for SS but with BD convienience is everything. Get over yourself and go to Easter with YOUR DAUGHTER. If you wont for her (because she wont remember anyways) then do it for me. Who will ALWAYS remember if you screw up my first Easter as a mom!!! Maybe this shouldn't bug me so much but it really does. SO skips at least one family get together a year if not two or three because it interferes withthe time or plans with SS. He is only concerned with HIS family seeing SS on holidays even though MY family cares for and loves him just as much. Now that I have a child that my family needs to see on holidays too, I am worried that we will be spending more holidays apart 
I am just so angry with him right now and he will never be able to undo the damage!!
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Just go. Tell him you are
Just go. Tell him you are going whether he goes or not. I can somewhat understand that he doesn't want to darken his prev. employers doorstep again and maybe your family could have been a little more considerate this year. Would you want to put income into the hands of someone who removed income from your pocket?
Your child is very young. And honestly you are unlikely to remember this day as much as her first smile or when she rolls over or when she says "Mama" for the first time. I cannot remember every Easter/ Christmas for my children be it their first, second or third.
However, if your DH chooses not to go you can't make him. And men will dig their feet in harder if you try and MAKE them go to something. Just tell him "I am going to have a meal with my family. If you come, terrific. I would love you to come. But I understand it is difficult for you and I understand your principle. I will be back at 1pm."
Sure, he shouldn't be a baby about it. But being let go obviously hurt him. And you are sort of putting your family ahead of him.
He knows I am going. He got
He knows I am going. He got let go when the building got foreclosed on because he was making more then most of the other people there. They couldn't afford him anymore. He was planning on leaving there at the end of the summer anyways. The owners have been our family friends for years and they always will be. The two people he doesn't like wont even be there in the first place. You may not be the sentimental type but I am. I take a million pictures of every little thing, I remember all the little details, and family stuff is very important to me. I can sacrafice my pride and go to his Ex's house for a bday party, and sit at his parents house when they invite her over as well, but he cant suck it up and go to an hour and a half long meal???? I can see where my family could have been "more considerate" if it were just immediate family but this is my grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins, great aunts and uncles, and more. Some of these people have never even met him because he misses a lot of family stuff because of SS schedule. I don't see it as putting my family ahead of him for many reasons... for one he is part of my family and should put his family over pride. For two, our family has been doing this for 25 years. He was well aware of it before he had a child with me. For three, he expects me to be at all family events on his side... I only ask of him to be at holidays. He doesnt even make to all of those.
He worked there for 22 years.
He worked there for 22 years. Their building got foreclosed on so they were shuttin down but the owners in-laws bailed them out and bought the building.
Just start skipping his
Just start skipping his family events too!!!
I used to work at a favorite bbq place so do understand not wanting to go inside and deal with everyone ... So I just go to the drivethru!!
There are only the owners
There are only the owners left that he even knows and they will not be there tomorrow as they are in Hawaii for the week.
I think it's wrong of you to
I think it's wrong of you to put your extended family ahead of your SO.
Your SO would be really uncomfortable going to his former employers' and you're basically telling him "tough shit."
So, he tells you "tough shit" right back.
Your relationship will not last if you two don't change how you treat each other, and then YOUR child will get to bounce from house to house.
Something to think about.
PS: I'm not even going to address going trick or treating with BM and her family... dang.
So because my family means
So because my family means the world to me... I'm a bad person? My extended family is just as close as my immediate family. Why even bring it up if you won't talk about it. I did it FOR HIM, FOR HIS SON, AND FOR OUR FAMILY OF 4. I did not do it for myself! He won't do anything unless it is for himself or benefits himself. How am i all of a sudden the bad guy for wanting him to do what i have done for him got the past 5 years?
P.s. maybe he would fight for time with her if she want with him all the time. He abyss like it is a Burdon to watch her all day while i am at work. I asked him not to stay up all night cause i would like some help with her in the morning and his response was "i don't get any help while you are at work" maybe he could put me before some other things in his life
I NEVER said you're a "bad
I NEVER said you're a "bad person." Not sure where you got that from.
What I am saying is that you now have a "family" with this man. You're not married, but you've chosen to procreate with him and now have a "tie" as you called it. However, you are choosing your extended family over your immediate family. Your SO, according to nearly every damn poster on here, should be FIRST. Men get torn apart on here for choosing their CHILD over their SO, but you are choosing your PARENTS over your SO.
Sorry. My allegiance lies with my DH over my parents, siblings, and other extended family. But I'm married to him and made vows to him, so maybe that's the difference.
Why did your family choose
Why did your family choose this location for the get together this year? Clearly, they would be aware of the history. Are they drawing a line in the sand and expecting you to choose sides? Kinda sounds like it.
BTW, if this man only does things to benefit himself or his son, then you were a fool to have a child with him. You KNOW who this man is, he's shown you, and you've chosen to ignore it. Can't complain about it now...
Who ever said we weren't
Who ever said we weren't married? Have Bern for 2.5 years... He is one poof my to priorities... But if i were to do what he wanted every holiday... We would sit at home, do nothing, order pizza and NEVER see my family! We go to his parents house whenever he wants... Usually 2 to 3 times a week! Then we finally have something planned with my family and all of a sudden something comes up! AGAIN!! Its not like this is the first thing he refuses to go to. Oh and did i mention he still brings SS there to bowl every other week...
You called him your "SO," and
You called him your "SO," and I don't think I've seen that used to refer to a "DH" as such.
Ok, then... your vows. "FoRSAKE ALL OTHERS." It was the topic of a post and that "all others" should even include children.
You are choosing your family over your spouse. Period. Dot. I happen to think that's wrong. JMO.
If your DH is and always has been selfish, well...then... maybe you shouldn't have married and made a baby with him.
You said you have gone to Easter dinner with him and your family for FIVE YEARS. He doesn't want to go this year because they have chosen to go to his former employers' place. He's uncomfortable with going there. You should be sensitive to that. And, again...I would wonder why your family chose THIS location, when they've never done it there before. They chose to go the FIRST Easter after he was fired. Hmmmm.... have you really not stopped to wonder why?
For one, we have done Easter
For one, we have done Easter there 2 times in the last 6 years... This will be the third. I don't see it as choosing my family over him. I see it as integrating the two. We won't always agree on things and that does NOT mean i am choosing them over him. FYI MY GIVEN FAMILY MEANS JUST ADD MUCH TO ME AS MY CHOSEN FAMILY!!! Your vows... Were not my vows. My SO married me knowing that my other family was JUST AS important as him to me.
Are you legally married? Or
Are you legally married? Or did you have a "committment ceremony?" I only ask because they way you refer to your DH and your vows seems a little...off....
Standard vows include the "forsake all others" statement. Maybe you wrote your own vows (I know I did.)
If your birth family means as much to you as your married family...well, based on what you've written here, I believe the married family won't be a problem for long.
For one they choose this
For one they choose this place because the owners are long time family friends with both of our families... Her never made it known to them either. I specifically put RANT in the title so that i wouldn't get people like you who think no matter what if i Bitch about anything that all of a sudden i am unhappy with the entire relationship and that our relationship isn't good enough. You already kind of proved it by saying your relationship was above ours because you were married (and thought we weren't) i love this man with all of my heart. We have different things that mean more to us. He can piss me off at times and i will vent about it, but that does not mean our relationship is not great and that we don't love each other. I don't know one single person on this site that doesn't vent about things and that doesn't wish their SO would change one thing...
So the owners are long time
So the owners are long time family friends...who fired your DH?
No, my relationship isn't "better." I do, however, believe that marriage is a different committment than a boyfriend. A marriage has vows and is a legally binding contract. A boyfriend is...neither.
YOU said that he's selfish and all he cares about is himself and his child. I didn't say any of that. I don't know that you're unhappy in your entire relationship. I also didn't write that.
You are choosing your wants and your family over the man you made vows to. That's just a fact. If you're ok with that, why vent?
I can't even start to trek
I can't even start to trek you everything i see wrong with your theory
OK, so you are married. You
OK, so you are married. You are angry your husband has chosen not to attend an Easter meal in an establishment that fired him/let him go last year. Even if he was planning on leaving it still leaves a sour taste in your mouth. And seeing these are his wife's old family friends it hurts even more.
And yes, you are putting your parents and other family ahead of your husband. Aligning yourself to them to exclude your HUSBAND is not what marriage is about.
But then if you think he is being an arse just remember this the next time he wants you to do something you don't want to. Just go along to make him happy.
Oh and BTW, marriage is not about point scoring. But you know that, right?
I have noticed a trend from
I have noticed a trend from you. No Maurer how hard someone tries to make known that they are venting... You can't keep your fingers out of it. I have say back and just watched... But today it really pisses me off. I don't care if you don't agree with me. What i do care about is you criticizing our relationship and vows and comparing them to yours. I care that because my family means just as much to me as my SO, my marriage isn't what it should be... Them to to it all off, you have to criticize my dESICIon to VENT!! If you don't like people to vent... Scroll on past the ones with "vent" right in the title
Um, ok... you're young and
Um, ok... you're young and not wise, imo.
I'm not critcizing your vows. Marriage is about forsaking all others, no? You want to stomp your feet, demand your way, make your DH uncomfortable, and spend your holiday APART from your SPOUSE all to get what you want.
Good luck with your marriage. If the two of you don't find another way to handle how you show (or don't show) respect for each other, I fear that your child will also grow up in a broken home.
StickAFork knows it all!!!Why
StickAFork knows it all!!!Why don't you try to offer support? What is the reason for this site? To get smack in the head one more time? Not cool! Why are you posting any ways? People already feel bad and came here for help...
For one, I'm not pulling
For one, I'm not pulling anything with him. hence the reason for the vent. I am venting on here, stop that it is a little easier to stop talking to him about it and go without him. For two, he goes there every other weekend for HIS SON to bowl
Didn't you say that you're
Didn't you say that you're STILL going with your "family," but leaving your DH behind? Didn't you basically tell him "tough shit?"
I must've missed it, because I TOTALLY thought I read that's what you're "pulling" with him.
Did you just come here to vent, but IRL you're going to respect and honor your DH?
No. He knows how i feel. He
No. He knows how i feel. He knows i am pissed. I cannot pick a grown man up put him in the car and make him go and enjoy it. I came here because it is a done deal with him. I am not going to continue to fight with him over it every night when nothing elk change. So i came here, wrote a rant, so that i can put a skillet on my face tomorrow, get dd and i ready and go to MY FAMILY get together. Then when i get home i can get the 4 of us ready, pick up ss and go to His Family get together with him... And hopefully Mateo a smile on my face!
I am twice your age - you are
I am twice your age - you are being unkind to this person.
She's married to an asshole. That's a big enough problem with out someone claiming to be older but wiser telling her to suck it up and obey his every wish.
It sounds like her DH was laid off not fired for misconduct. Big difference. I've been laid off. I didn't bear ill will nor was I afraid to show up to functions with all the bosses there.
Apparently being "old"
Apparently being "old" doesn't make reading any easier. I never said she should "obey his every wish."
I said she's choosing her family over her spouse. That's a plain and simply fact. Again, if you were reading...
She may have married an asshole. But SHE CHOSE HIM. According to her, she married him AFTER knowing he was an assole, so the blame is all hers. Some men become assholes after the vows. Hers didn't. At least according to her.
*snort* that is a totally
*snort* that is a totally hypocritical snort of me, because i got knocked up as a teenager by the biggest loser in the world. BUT, i own my mistakes (the loser, not my daughter) and don't act like i'm high and mighty and better than everyone else. i've been with fdh for 8 years and am having my 2nd son with him soon, but we aren't married. so i guess 8 years doesn't really mean shit, does it? we dont' really count because we aren't "legal". whatever make you feel like you are better than me, i guess. i really don't give a rip. i don't feel the need to have a ring on my finger. maybe we will, maybe we never will. i really don't see how getting married makes us better people, parents, whatever. i've seen other people meet, marry, and divorce in the time we've been together. but what do i know? i'm just shacked up and playing house, obviously i know nothing of the adult world. (eye roll) btw, oldone, this wasn't intended to be a rant, and it sure isn't directed at you!
I would like to know where i
I would like to know where i said he was an a** hole...?? What i would like even more is for you to tell me where i said he was one before we were married. I never called him one and i never would. Sure he can piss me off at times... That doesn't mean he is an a** hole.
On top of that, the things that piss me off now, never pissed me off before i found out i was having a daughter with him. Now i have to think about her too. Now i am a new mom. Now SS will have an influence on my child. Now i have a child that may come second at times. All of this has changed since i married him. I still don't think he is an a hole and i still don't think i made the wrong choice to marry him.
"this is our first Easter
"this is our first Easter with OUR daughter" I would be upset as well. If it is important to you your husband should make an effort . Sorry, hopefully next Easter will be better for your family!
StickAFork you are so mature
StickAFork you are so mature lol Don't get angry , it adds wrinkles lol
When you reply to a comment,
When you reply to a comment, as opposed to the OP, click "reply" on the post to which you're replying.
It will then appear appropriately under the comment.
I will wear any wrinkles I get with pride. It means I've lived my life fully. Laugh lines are equally appreciated. (But I don't have any yet...I'm still in my thiries!)
That's such bullshit... they
That's such bullshit... they are here because THEY are judging the people in their lives... the BF/DH/SO, the BM, the skids, the ILs...on and on.
And many posters "vent" that their SO thinks THEY are over opinionated when it comes to THEIR kids and THEIR exes. Which, let's face it...is true. Posters often know better how to handle the kids and the exes. They use terms like "rules" and "boundaries," but it's their OPINIONS on how things should be done.
Don't fool yourself.
Nobody ever said that their
Nobody ever said that their boundaries and rules weren't a reflection of their opinions. the reason i use this sight is because there are some things i need to say. Once i type it out on here, i feel better and can put it behind me knowing some one, some where read it... But also knowing that so and i are not fighting because i got to express my opinion on here, instead of shoving it in his faced. I will gladly tell him how i feel... After that i don't like to nag, so i come on here, vent, and put it behind me so that we can continue our night without three anger or frustration built up inside. When i say he needs to change something with ss, it is because i want what is best for our family as a whole... Once we have that all worked out we can start working on individual situations.
I love the wrinkle comment.
I love the wrinkle comment. I have a coworker who has a similar outlook about her gray hair.
Yes, ma'am! I started getting
Yes, ma'am! I started getting greys early in my twenties and it kinda bothered me. After a few years, it dawned on me... these things represent my life. I'm proud of my life (most of it, anyway) and I'm EARNING these greys... and wrinkles to follow.
Encouraging her to put her
Encouraging her to put her husband ahead of her extended family IS HELPING.
Why in the world would anyone here disagree with that? The OP is doing the exact thing many SM vent about day in and day out.
If it's wrong for a husband to put his kids, mother...ahead of his wife, then it has to be wrong when a wife puts her family above her husband.
Difference is, i want him
Difference is, i want him included, usually they choose their kids by not including us
Hey, you're able to read and
Hey, you're able to read and think. Seems to be an oddity on here today.
SMs complain ALL THE TIME that their man puts his own CHILD ahead of her, but the OP is putting her parents above her husband, and it's being supported.
Again, the man is the asshole in the situation. Crazy unbelievable.
I wouldn't need to vent if i
I wouldn't need to vent if i was just going to be a Bitch and make him go... Instead i choose to keep my mouth shut... Rsvp for dd and i and sign on to here to let out some frustration
Generally things that we
Generally things that we fight about are, underneath it all, fights about being respected and loved. It appears to me that the OP values her first Easter with her child and this tradition very much. Her husband has a burr under his saddle about the former employer. I don't actually think he is wrong as I may feel the same way myself if it were me. The bigger picture is, of course, that she wants to share the family time and doesn't feel like he is respectful enough of that. He may feel that she is rubbing his former employer in his face.
Why not go to dinner somewhere else? Win. Win.
Just sayin'....
OP, will there be am Easter
OP, will there be am Easter egg hunt before or after dinner? If so, hopefully he will be willing to join you all for that.
If you would have read all
If you would have read all the comments... SO can go there every other week, wall in the doors, talk to the people he knows, give them money, and be happy to do it in order to bring his son to go bowl... But he can't walk in those doors to be at his daughters first Easter with me family? They didn't think it would be a problem since he goes there every other week. Now what is his excuse? And if my family is ride for assuming it would be fine considering he had no problem bowling there... Them i guess his family is ride because they are just as good of friends with the owner.
Ugh. It feels like the story
Ugh. It feels like the story keeps changing.
Did I read that right?? You're having EASTER DINNER in a BOWLING ALLEY?!?
How is it changing? Yes it is
How is it changing? Yes it is a bowling alley and a bar and grill attached. I told you like 3 times now about that so i don't see what is changing... HLL stands for h## l### lanes...
This. All of it.
This. All of it.
Wow. Who are people to judge
Wow. Who are people to judge where we have our Easter brunch?
People that seek out any
People that seek out any little thing to pick at and swoop in and derail the original issues of the topic at hand. People that just want to argue and be disagreeable for their own amusement. Don't worry about it.
I think you are probably
I think you are probably right on that.
LMFAO...as always, without a
LMFAO...as always, without a doubt the same ones and lots of sand for sure.
You said that your DH "went
You said that your DH "went bowling" and I had noooo idea THAT was the place you were referring to having your Easter brunch.
I didn't "judge" you. I asked if I read that correctly. Apparently, I did.
I honestly had no idea you could actually have Easter brunch in a bowling alley. It honestly never occurred to me.
I was just thinking I could
I was just thinking I could understand him feeling uncomfortable going to eat at his former employer's place and may have a valid reason for not wanting to go till I read your comment that he goes there regularly with his son.
I think the issues in your relationship go much deeper than his refusal to attend an Easter family dinner. Quite honestly, he sounds like a selfish control freak to me who has some real double standards. He's wants and expects to see his family all the time, yet isn't bothered about spending time with your family despite knowing you're close and they mean the world to you. It's not about choosing your family over your husband, and this business over Easter dinner is just another sign of the underlying problems in your marriage.
If it was simply a case of him saying "I don't want to go to that particular place because it makes me feel awkward and uncomfortable" or something like that, then I would respect his feelings and have a calm discussion with him to agree whether I go alone or whether we should make our own arrangements, do something together and tell my family we would see them later on (maybe visit them or join them for a drink before or after they go for their meal). That to me would be the rational thing to do. I would not want to push my dh into doing something I knew made him uncomfortable and I know he'd never do the same to me. However in your case there's so much more going on and the fact that he takes his son to this place regularly seems to prove that his so-called reasons for not wanting to go with you and your family are bullshit and he just doesn't want to spend time with you all for some reason.
It seems to me that a lot of this stems from the fact he puts his son first and the baby daughter you have together is just like an afterthought to him. That is not right and you have every right to be pissed off that your daughter is always second best to his older son from another woman. It sounds like he sees looking after her as a burden and seems to resent the fact that he has to care for her while you're at work, so thinks that when you're home he can abdicate all responsibility to you and go off to do his own thing. That is incredibly selfish of him and not the way a good relationship should work. Sitting on his ass all holidays instead of wanting to do things with you as a family is not right either, and the more you say about this guy the more he sounds like my controlling, abusive ex husband who did a lot of the same kind of things.
I'm not suggesting that your husband is abusing - only you can work that one out - but there is definitely something wrong. You and your daughter shouldn't be treated as second best to his son and the longer that goes on, the more hurt and resentful you will be. Your daughter will suffer as she gets older, as she will also notice that her dad has no time for her and prefers her older half brother, and that will have a devastating effect on her, no matter how hard you try to make it up to her.
You need to work out exactly what's going on with your marriage. Unless things change and he starts being a proper husband to you and father to your little one, then I'm sorry to say that I don't see a happy future for you or your daughter.
Very well said. I felt the
Very well said. I felt the same way. I was able to understand what she was meaning, she is hurt and upset because he won't go with her today, but yet he can go to this place all the time for his son's amusement.
I would completely agree with the other posters and their stance on the issue if he were truly upset and uncomfortable with going to this particular place due to the history there. If he was fired, treated poorly by the owners, and had hurt feelings and never graced that places doorstep due to those things, I would never ask him to go and I would not go either on principle. I would be upset with my family for choosing that location knowing it would cause friction and cause us not to attend.
That is not the case though. He can go there regularly with a big smile on his face with his son, but then tries to work him being fired to his advantage when it is a family gathering that he does not want to attend. His excuse for not going due to where it is at is poor at best because he already goes there all the time on his own and has no problems with it. He just doesn't want to go with her to her family function. Maybe he does not like her family, who knows, but he should like and care about his wife's feelings and the fact that this is his daughter's first Easter and be able to see that she is just as much his child as his son is. If he does this kind of thing regularly, you are right, the resentment will continue to grow and grow and there will not be a happy future ahead.
OP-- I wanted to say Im sorry
OP-- I wanted to say Im sorry your DH acted like this!!! I hope you two are able to figure things out in your relationship. Hang in there!