Dear MIL,
I have waited a long long long time to let MIL know my feelings. We haven't spoken since 11/2011, and she has held a major role in what is going on right know with BM. I even had DH's blessing when I sent this. 
MIL,
I would like to preface this by letting you know that this will be the final email I will EVER send you. To be honest, I am not at all concerned with you. What I am concerned with is the way that you have treated and tried to manipulate DH since this "ordeal" started.
For whatever reason, your attitude about me changed as soon as DH and I were married. For what reason? I have asked myself this same question more than once, and I will tell you that I am unable to pinpoint a single event that caused our relationship to take the downward spiral that it has. Is it because I have tattoos? Because I don't dress like you? Because I don't attend church every time the door opens? Or is it because of the most plausible reason? Feel free to correct me if I'm wrong, but I believe that BM contacted you around the time that we were married. I'm not sure what the conversation was about, but I do believe that she concocted some insane story (like she has in the past and will continue to do) about me that caused your views to change. I remember asking DH MANY times what the deal was, why you were acting so cold towards me. But at this point, it no longer matters.
I would, however, like you to remember BM's past lies and manipulation (a lot of which you told me about). This is a woman who would lie to Jesus Christ himself if she thought that it would advance her some way in life or cause others to feel sorry for her. BM has nothing but hatred for me, and you have let that spill over to you. Her favorite lie as of late has been the "oh, SM mistreated the children". How? That statement is so far from the truth it's ridiculous. This started because SD10 went home hungry from our house one afternoon. BM somehow manipulated this into me starving and abusing SD10 and SS7. I would like to think that if I really thought that someone had abused my children, I would have been on the phone with the police ASAP and visitation would have been cut off until the matter was resolved. Did that happen? No. Oh, and I'm sure that you've never heard the entirety of that story. You know, where the kids and I spent the day at the library, science museum and then getting the ice cream that they got as a reward for finishing books in the summer reading program that I signed them up for? Big bad SM, huh? Furthermore, it has shown that you have no trust in your son as a parent whatsoever. Do you honestly think that DH would have stayed with me for one more second had he thought that I was mistreating SD10 or SS7 in any way?
I understand that you want to see your grandchildren, and with DH not having them all of the time, you feel that you have to listen and "obey" BM. I get that. Believe me, I do. However, you have thrown your own son under the bus for the sake of it. I have NEVER and would never mistreated or abuse those kids. I have loved them since DH and I got together, so this "for the safety of the children" crap needs to let up. Those kids were never in any danger while in my care. In fact, I would have taken a bullet to keep either one of them safe.
I understand that, in your mind, you're "keeping them safe", but you are doing nothing more than hurting them by being a part of them not seeing their father, step mom or their future brother(s) or sister(s). SD10 and SS7 are both very smart, and they will look back and see what has gone on here. I pity you when they do.
Your actions in all of this have forfeited your rights to see DH's and my future children. This is something that we have discussed and stand together firm as a team on, so please don't assume that you will manipulate DH in this matter. I will not allow someone around my children that believe lies and fabricate stories about me. It just won't be happening.
I am aware of the wrong doings on my end, and I am a decent enough human being to apologize for those. Should I have sent you an email telling you that I just had sex with your son? Probably not. Is that the worst thing I could have done? Doubtful. If that is an unforgivable sin, so be it. I don't need your forgiveness. At the end of the day, I will be the one answering for what I have done.
Remember, MIL, Jesus does not care how many Bible verses you have memorized. He cares how you treat people.
- livizzle's blog
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Comments
You sent her an email about
You sent her an email about having sex with her son??? BACK STORY PLEASE!
MIL "distanced herself" from
MIL "distanced herself" from me as soon as DH and I were married in April 2011. That email had zero to do with it, as it didn't occur until that Decemeber.
DH and I went through a short
DH and I went through a short seperation around December 2011. After we had gotten back together, DH told me that MIL had given him $1,000 to divorce me (DH did not want her money, nor did he want a divorce). So, in a fit of somewhat comical rage, I emailed her "Guess what, mommy dearest? DH and I are not getting divorced. In fact, we just had sex. Sorry to burst your bubble!" She later told DH that it was the "most disgusting thing she'd ever read". }:)
Divorce was never even
Divorce was never even MENTIONED to MIL at the time she "offered" this money, so no, I don't believe that it was to help out with the cost of an attorney.
Furthermore, at this point, I could care less what MIL thinks of me. I was never anything but nice to that woman until that email was sent. I don't want anything to do with her, so it doesn't bother me. BUT I did want her to know how I felt about it. And now she does. End of story.
I'm not mad. Even if DH had
I'm not mad.
Even if DH had mentioned divorce, it was none of her business to stick her nose or money into. DH is a grown man with a good income, and if that had've been what he wanted to do, then he is more than capable of doing it without her assistance.
And yes, I will admit that 8 months later (DH and I were married 4/2 and she had nearly stopped speaking to me completely by Easter), I DID "have a hand in it" by sending her that email. However, that was after EIGHT months of her silent treatment and avoiding hugs, etc. with me at family functions. Why? No freaking clue. MIL's husband came up to DH at a BBQ a few months after we were married and said, "SM may not like me, but she won't disrespect your mother. She's a good person." And DH is standing there like, WTF? Since neither one of us were aware that I had done ANYTHING to her. She's just nuts.
You missed changing a name in
You missed changing a name in there!
I have to agree with
I have to agree with Echo...maybe she was trying to help with the cost of a divorce attorney?
Whatever her reasons were, your husband accepted the money she gave him. So at least some of the blame falls on him for that.
MIL FORCES $$ on people
MIL FORCES $$ on people because she wants them to know that she has it. DH left the money on her kitchen table before even leaving her home, so no, he didn't accept it.
I guess I also have to wonder
I guess I also have to wonder if DH mentioned divorce to her? She should not have offered him that money as it is none of her business, but if he mentioned it to her, he should have known that a situation like this one could arise in part from it.
ETA: I hope she does not send you an email in response.
I don't have a MIL as she
I don't have a MIL as she died very young. I doubt if I would ever have texted her about having sex.
But I don't think that is such a horrible unforgiveable crime. Married people are supposed to have sex. It's not "wrong".
I despise my mil too so I
I despise my mil too so I know where you are coming from. Shes a cold hearted nasty bitch as well. I, too, felt that she was intially accepting of me then changed towards me at some point. For quite some time I was focused on the whys and what have I done-I also felt much of it had to do with ss with her being judgmental of my "treatment" towards him. So, yes, I can relate.
I have been tempted to email her, call her, send her a letter, smack her in her face many times-but I refrain-because truthfully she is not worth my time. I now consider it quite a compliment that she dislikes me. I dont care if she thinks my treatment toward ss was shitty, I dont care if she thinks I'm a good wife to dh-I simply dont care whether she even lives or dies. The only thing that gets me going now is that she will see my children (her supposed grandkids) out in public and cut them cold. Does not even acknowledge them. They are kids, for goodness sakes and have nothing to do with the issues at hand-I am afraid if I see her out and about and she does that I will go off on her-but otherwise I dont care about her nor her life.
I feel like in some ways your email attempts to "explain" yourself to her. You dont have to do that. I really wanted to explain things to my mil when things first started going down-I assumed that she jsut misunderstood-but what I've realized is that she is just a crazy, messed up bitch who is just letting her true colors shine. There was no misunderstanding-other than mine in thinking she was a normal person. It just took me a bit to get to know the real her. She is the one that should be emailing you and explaining herself. Since she's not, I'd completely cut off further communication with her. And of course it is a given that any children you have would have nothing to do with her.
As far as you emailing her about having sex with your husband-I think that's hilarious. She apparently feels she has a right to intrude in your relationship anyway-so she might as well get all the details, right?
There is a name still in the
There is a name still in the body, livizzle.. don't know if that's ok with you, or not..
I'm sorry, I don't have any
I'm sorry, I don't have any very good advice to offer. I am TERRIBLE at this very thing.. telling MIL how I feel, and then feeling like SHIT for being honest and trying to explain myself.. trying to 'bribe' her into liking me, I guess. I tell myself, and anyone else, that I really don't give 2 shits what she thinks of me, or that I really don't care that I have a very strained relationship with her.. but when I think about it with a level head (after my emotions settle and my blood stops boiling), I guess I wouldn't care so much and try to explain myself, and I wouldn't go out of my way to let her know how much she is breaking my heart and hurting me by hurting my children, if I was really DONE and if I really didn't give 2 shits about her.. know what I mean. I confuse myself.. I guess I want HER to think that I really don't care, and I'm over her and her drama and BS.. but I really do desire for her to accept me and my kids, just as she did BM all those years.
I'm not, in any way, saying this is what's really going on inside your head.. this is just me and my experience.
That said.. I'm very HIGHLY driven by my emotions, and I speak before I think.. I have sent MANY an email/text/call to MIL like this very one.. and I also think that 'sex' email was FREAKING HILARIOUS!! I have a son (nowhere near old enough to be married or even have a girlfriend), and I accept the fact that he will someday (dear God.. gulp) have sex with his wife.. I don't want to hear about it; however, if I'm all up in his business, it should be no surprise to me that I find out EVERYTHING! You gave me a good laugh with your explanation
I guess I scored in the MIL
I guess I scored in the MIL department, said something over the weekend & my nephew was shocked that I KNOW my MIL finds me difficult. I made the point of "no matter what though, I win because Satan is better then the ex". Nephew laughed hysterically saying thats exactly what my MIL says!
My MIL wants a pedicures & lunches, shopping trip & confiding type relationship. She's settled in though, I'm extremely capable & hold everyone together when the shit hits the fan & I love her son, my skids & my nephews. She seems okay with settling for that now. It helps that I never forget birthdays or holidays!
As far as sex, SHE has brought it up to me. She's been single a LONG time & in one of her "your MY Social Worker" moments, confided the fear that she'll be alone forever.
I think sometimes an old
I think sometimes an old fashioned letter or email is better than surprising someone and forcing them to deal with you immediately.
This way you got to think about what you wanted to say, and there is a record of exactly what you said. So it can't be twisted or added to.
The best conversation I ever had w SD and BM was on email. BM has no manners and won't let anyone else talk ... But she got my written drift, saying??
You have said your piece and I see nothing wrong with it. A lot of good came out of my email to them . Every ridiculous item I mentioned has since been addressed by them!!!!! So Amen from me!!
If you don't understand why
If you don't understand why her attitude changed toward you, I can see two options and conclusions off the top of my head. Ask her, and she'll explain her changed behavior toward you, or you're in the position many women, especially new wives, are in. She has a problem with you by definition and doesn't even need to know about you as a human being to dismiss you. You aren't the first wife and there are many people out there who equate that with second best, somehow inherently lacking.
These are the people who haven't done the research, and don't know that while yes second marriages have a higher divorce rate than first marriages, the ones that are successful are informed a great deal by the mistakes made by both parties of a first marriage. So she can be constructive and help with resolving the issues she's pushing onto you, or destructive by doing and saying things that alienate both her son and you from her.