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What to do? On a downward spiral and cannot stop spinning

pulledandpushed's picture

Submitted by pulledandpushed on Wed, 04/10/2013 - 3:49pm

I have been with SO for 2 years and am coming apart at the seams. I have experienced increasing frustration during the past year and I find myself looking for some one to place the blame for my continued downward spiral, but in reality I blame no one else but me for the situation I am in.
I do love skids and my God, I do love him but I have lost the person I had worked so hard to become before him. I would like to continue a relationship with SO but I have no doubt that if something does not change we will become a split family. I feel so unhappy and unfulfilled. I think if we were living in my home city (I moved to a really small town)or if I hadn't given up my career, I would not feel as if I have given up my entire life for someone else's children. I don’t know how to find balance for myself within this situation. I have tried time and again to distance myself from my feelings by rationalizing and using my faith but they keep bubbling to the surface. What am I doing wrong that I cannot make this work? I feel as if I am failing SO by telling him what I want and I fear I may lose my family all because I cannot be the person he expects me to be. I moved in with SO because I loved him and wanted to share my life with him... not because I wanted to live a life that best serves him, his ex-wife and their children. This is his life I am living....my life is gone.... we are not sharing our lives. It's very one-sided.
How do I find myself and do what's best for my kids without losing him and our family? I wanted much bigger things for myself and I feel as if I have settled for crumbs instead of fulfilment. The worst part is, I am giving SO crumbs in return when he deserves so much more.
I don’t want to lose SO and my family but I am so tired of fighting to see even a glimpse of the person I was when we met. A person I was proud to be and who I felt was on the right track in both my parenting, my lifestyle and my career. Now I am off the rails and heading into a major crash. I am terrified.

Comments

Cocoa's picture

Submitted by Cocoa on Wed, 04/10/2013 - 4:00pm

a healthy relationship will never require you give up your whole life in order to have it. the only way i see it surviving is if you can get your so to compromise on some things. it's very hard to take back what you have given freely, but if he loves you and knows he is better with you than without you, he will compromise and move mountains to make you happy. i'm sorry to say that you will probably have to create a crisis in your life, tear it down in order to go back and re-build as a team, a team in which you have a voice this time around. unless you are willing to do this and risk losing your so, don't do it. but you WILL do it eventually because your unhappiness will not allow things to continue as it is.

Bojangles's picture

Submitted by Bojangles on Wed, 04/10/2013 - 4:55pm

I feel for you and am so sorry you are in such turmoil. It seems like you've taken a big gamble and made huge compromises and are now feeling the gamble has not paid off. This line is very telling: "What am I doing wrong that I cannot make this work?". Is your SO asking himself the same questions? It seems like you are taking on way too much responsibility and blame, as though it's your fault that things are not working. I don't see how you could have put more effort and committment in, in fact it seems like you have made all the sacrifices. You can't be happy in a relationship which sacrifices your personal fulfillment, and your unhappiness is not good for your children. Fixing that should strengthen your relationship not destroy it, if it's a relationship worth having.

oneoffour's picture

Submitted by oneoffour on Wed, 04/10/2013 - 7:48pm

I have done a lot of self analysis over the years. Yes, I spent time in denial as to the nature of my life. BUT ... one thing I discovered is if things aren't working out and you feel you are drowning then maybe you are not where you should be. Maybe you should move back to the city. Maybe your God doesn't approve of your domestic situation and is letting you know.

And losing yourself is not an option. However if you involve yourself with someone who already has children you HAVE to be prepared that it takes on heart to stop beating for those kids to become part of your life 24/7. And if the entire life you lead is based on his ex's wants and desires, sorry. He will not change, he doesn't NEED to change. He has you right where he wants you. Homey, you are chief cook and bottle washer and bed warmer. HE doesn't care about your world and your dreams.

He has the same life he had before. Same small town, his kids are happy. And I suppose your kids have done all the adjusting. Call it quits and make yourself happy again.

oldone's picture

Submitted by oldone on Wed, 04/10/2013 - 8:01pm

If you have to give up the essence of who you are to be in a relationship it will never work.

I'm all for change and trying new things outside of one's comfort level - but you should never be expected to change WHO you are.

It's sort of like a gay person trying to be straight - there's only so long one can keep up a false persona.