Random Drug Tests & Skids
Alright, Ladies & Gents. I'd like to hear your opinions on random at-home drug testing of full-time custodial skids.
I've deleted my old blogs for security purposes, but here's a little back story. SS17 lives with us FT. He has been caught (by me) with drugs in his belongings on several occasions. We have a strict no drugs policy in our home that he continues to disregard. He gets the drugs while visiting BM. Their "quality" mother/son bonding time is spent passing a bong amongst themselves.
I'm frustrated with his constant disregard for our rules so I thought that maybe making the passing of random at-home drug tests a stipulation of him living with us. You know, an "if he can't pass, then he needs to GTFO" kind of thing. He WANTS to live with us because BM is unstable and unable to provide him with the basics such as oh, i don't know, A ROOF over his head!
I haven't discussed it fully with DH yet, but I know he is just as frustrated with him as I am. I'm curious to hear if anyone else has ever had to turn to such drastic measures & to just hear other perspectives on the topic, as well.
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I'd call the cops on him if
I'd call the cops on him if you find drugs again. And not do a thing to help him get out of jail or pay a fine.
We've already made it clear
We've already made it clear that we will never bail his ass out of a jam. I haven't found anything recently but I did find out he has plans for the weekend that involve weed while he's at BM's house. I'm prepared to do a search as soon as he gets back though and I will call the cops if I find anything.
I've found pot in his room,
I've found pot in his room, as well as an assortment of pills that even he couldn't identify. I had to google the inscriptions on the tablets to find out what they were. Who knew there was a thrill to be had with Mucinex and other like meds. I guess I'm just out of the drug loop. :?
I am anti-drug when its myself, my home, my children, even DH. Since SS lives under my roof and ultimately we are "responsible" for his actions until he turns 18, then that means that what he does is very much my business as it affects my life & that of my children. If he were an adult, on his own, with his own home, then no. I wouldn't care what he did as long as we don't have to clean up his messes, which we won't ever do.
He's been told these rules several times now & they never seem to fully sink in. He always thinks he's going to outsmart us and he falls flat on his face every time. He obviously hasn't been taking us seriously so I'm of the opinion that we need to take it up a notch and show him we mean business.
The first time I caught him
The first time I caught him with it would be the last time he'd be living there,IMO. My ss14 is a little pothead. He was trying to grow it in bm's front yard at barely 13 years old, and was recently suspended for 2 weeks due to having paraphinilia found in his locker-he is awaiting a court date on that issue. He lives with my inlaws. Who are also potheads. My bil, who is 32, is such a pothead that he still lives at home, has no job, no vehicle, no income, no... anything. I dont believe he has any intentions of moving out but is rather waiting for his parents to kick off so he can inherit the double wide which he will promptly lose as he has no means to pay for utilities, taxes, or any sort of upkeep. Anybody that says pot is not harmful, needs to come meet my bil.
We tried to let ss live with us after bm kicked him out when he was 13 (for the marijuana incident). I made it clear to dh-not even to ss-that I had a no tolerance policy. I am actually a drug court advisor in two different counties and a substance abuse therapist-so you can imagine how that might affect my career if someone, anyone got busted with marijuana in my house-which is in my name. My dh has had his own struggles with alcohol, mostly, in the past-although he has 6 years sobriety-HE does not need to be around any of that. Nor do my other children. We did not catch him with pot-rarely let him go anywhere except school, so I think he was clean in the 4 months that he was here-however he ended up going to the inlaws for other transgressions.
I think drug tests are fine idea. As long as your dh is on board. Dh would really need to monitor him while he peed so he cant use anyone elses urine. I would also conduct room searches periodically. I would make sure he knew that as soon as he failed a drug screen or something came up in the search that he need to gather his things and leave immediately. Again, your dh would need to be on board with this sort of agreement. If ss does not like these conditions he can live elsewhere. You should not have to tolerate illegal activity in your home.
If your dh is NOT on board, then I'd forget about the drug tests and search his room, vehicle, backpack religiously until I found something and then call the cops.
Like the others have said I
Like the others have said I think it is ok but what does your DH think?
Is the house yours and his or just your house? Just because you think it is the right thing to do does not necessarily mean your DH will.
I found pot in SS's room when he was 15. I showed it to DH and he gave it back to SS. :jawdrop: He just told him not to have it in the house. I couldn't believe it and nearly left him over it.
DH and BM did alot of hard drugs over the span of 15+ years or so and I guess DH doesn't think pot is that big of a deal besides the fact it is illegal.
BM is a true pothead, I am surprised she has held down a job since her and DH split. BM shares her stuff with SS so I wasn't surprised that SS is smoking.
That is one of the reasons SS moved out.
We rent and both of our names
We rent and both of our names are on the lease. Our management company has a strict no drugs policy. If they have evidence of drugs on the premises, they issue an immediate eviction and give only 3 days for you to vacate. I am not willing to chance my children having a home any longer because SS wants to get high on BM weekends. I feel as though we have given SS enough opportunities to pull his head out of his ass on this and its time to show him we're serious.
DH & BM used to do all kinds of drugs. Nothing so extreme as heroin or anything like that, mainly just weed. DH gave up drugs completely 8 years ago but BM still gets high regularly. Its no surprise that she doesn't have a pot to piss in. She lives with MIL & sponges off of everyone around her to keep herself alive. She is nearly 40 years old and has NOTHING.
If I found drugs in SS's belongings and DH gave them back to him, I would pack bags for my bios and myself and WE would GTFO. Luckily, DH would never do that. The day he does is the day he becomes single!
Would you make your own bio
Would you make your own bio kid take a test? No matter where he got it from. And second if you kick him out when he does not pass a test and he goes and lives with bm where will he end up? There are several programs you can find in your area im sure of showing what happens when you get caught by the cops and what drugs can lead to. You just need to call your local police department and ask them if they know or have a program like this. You just have to be firm on your rules and punishment. Not so drastic of a punishment that it may jeopardize his life, health, safety, or future. Try sitting him down and asking him what he wants for his life and future. And explain and show him, if you can, what doing the drugs and also if he gets caught what it will do about achieving his dreams. Like if he wants to go to the military, if you have done or gotten caught with drugs they will not let you in at all. Good luck.
I absolutely would make my
I absolutely would make my bios take a test. Its certainly not a matter of picking on the skid. Not that I thought you were implying that, just wanted to clear the air on that one. I have zero tolerance for drugs in my home. I couldn't care less what other people do in their own homes so long as it doesn't directly affect my family.
If he goes to live with BM, he'd be living in my MIL's house. He would have no structure, no rules, no boundaries. He would not have all of the "extras" that he has now because BM can't afford them. If we kicked him out, he would have a roof over his head, food in his stomach, and all of the basic needs met because MIL can actually pay her bills, unlike BM who has been evicted twice, the latter time for not paying her measly rent.
My therapist actually mentioned a program to me tonight that helps teens understand how drugs can mess up their lives. They do group counseling sessions and random drug testing. I'm not positive I got all of the info correct, but I think she said that if they drop dirty too many times, the state steps in and makes them go to a rehab facility or it goes before a judge and he can be placed on probation. Don't hold me to any of that, though. I need to get more info so I can tell DH about it.
I don't want anything bad to happen to SS17. He's really not a bad kid, he just makes the same stupid mistakes over and over again and I'm not willing to risk the safety of my bios because he wants to make bad choices for himself. He's already caused BM & SS8 to lose their home once before because of his drug use. I'm not willing to allow that to happen to my bios.
I really was not trying to
I really was not trying to say you were picking on your ss. I just see on here alot of people treat their step kids differently then their bios. I would seriously look into that program if I were you. My ss5 lives with my mil and his bm so honestly from my experience its bad. At least with you he has rules, structure, and you can take away those extra things he gets as a discipline action. I feel for you and i dont tolerate drugs in my house either. Not at all. Im so strict I dont even have cold medication or headache medication till we need it then it gets put down the drain when we dont. One thing you want to look out for and if you have it in your house. Is bathsalts for your bathtub. They are a really bad drug that you can get at any store. Its becoming really big and popular to smoke it. Good luck.
We tried taking her to court
We tried taking her to court for it because we had SS17 & SD19 on a recorded conversation laughing about getting high with BM & how freaking HILARIOUS it was that SS8 walked into the room just as BM was putting down the bong. SS8 saw SS17 breaking up a bundle of pot and is even recorded saying to SS17 "you were doing DRUGS!". As far as the legalities of the recordings, our state is a one party state. As long as one party knows they're being recorded, it can be used in court. However, they didn't know they were being recorded so it was useless.
BM & SS17 get their pot from his best friend and best friend's mom. Its like one great big, fucked up, mother/son bonding time disaster. I've even given tips to the police about the friend's house being a dealer/grow house that is near not only an ELEMENTARY SCHOOL, but also a middle school! Not a damn thing happened. The system is a joke.
Rehab
Rehab
This issue can be curious if
This issue can be curious if he continue to take drugs. I will not allow to take drugs in home and anywhere else. But, I still don't understand the complete post what is all about. I think pass a drug test for him and bring into a rehab center. passing a drug test