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Is It Wrong Of Me...

sunbeam0901's picture

Submitted by sunbeam0901 on Sat, 04/13/2013 - 12:46pm

...to want a divorce after this?

Long story short, my depression has been kicking my ass hardcore lately. It doesn't help that I get ZERO assistance at home with cooking, cleaning, taking care of kids/skids. I handle all of this, in addition to running my own business from home. Essentially, I work two full time jobs and I NEVER get a break. I am OVERWHELMED!

DH's job is very physical and quite exhausting. He has a sporadic schedule which includes an "on call" rotation of nights & weekends. He does have nights off and he takes full advantage of each one. If he isn't on call, he will come home, shower, and change in to comfy clothes and spend the evening drinking beer and watching tv, or relaxing in some similar way. I can't remember the last time he even touched the dishwasher or started a load of laundry.

I had a meltdown yesterday. I couldn't do it anymore. I just wanted a break. Some alone time to charge my batteries. I sent DH a text that said I was going to check into a hotel for the weekend to get myself together. He called me and asked what the hell I was talking about and I just let it all pour out. I was sobbing about how alone I feel and no one helps me and how it must be nice to be able to kick back and relax with a beer while I do everything. He blew up at me. Turned it into a "poor DH" situation. Told me that I was abandoning my family. I hung up on him when he said that. I sat in the floor and sobbed for a few minutes then we had this text conversation:

Me: THANK YOU so much for your support. I'm trying to pull myself together so I don't harm myself and what I get from you is I'm ABANDONING MY FAMILY?? That was certainly helpful. Thank you so much.

DH: All i do is support you. Every step of the way. But all i get from you is how i don't. Then i get blamed for your issues, my issues, SS17's issues, SS8's issues, all of it. Do i walk out on you for that? No. Do i get credit for that? No. You are your problem. Not me or anyone else. You want help fixing you? Fine. I'm there for you whether you see it or not. You wanna blame me and everyone else for you? Nothing will change. Ever. So do whatever you need to.

Me: OH MY GOD. You are such a fucking narcissist. Yep. Nothing you do is ever wrong. Yeah. Its all MY fault because you can't be bothered to help around the house now and then. Its all MY fault that I'm basically working TWO full time jobs that I get NO breaks from. There are NO other stressors in this scenario other than fucked up little me over here. You may tell me that you appreciate me, but you don't SHOW ME that I am appreciated. When was the last time you did just something small for me to show you appreciate what I do? You couldn't even get me a card or a flower or ANYTHING for Valentine's day. I feel like you and everyone take advantage of me because you all know I'll do it. When I do some things, I'm just made to feel stupid for it. I feel like I'm fucking drowning and everyone is standing on the shore just watching it happen.

DH: *crickets*

I've been given the silent treatment since then so I left. I went out for hours and spent his money on crap I don't really need and bought myself a nice dinner. I couldn't go to a hotel because it turned out my babysitter (my mom) had to work this morning so there wasn't anyone to watch my kids. I just don't know if I can continue to be married to someone who is so emotionally retarded that he can't recognize that he's done something to upset someone and when he's called out on it, he attacks. I don't think he realizes just how much the words he said to me have crushed me. I think I want a divorce.

Comments

Great Mom but horrified Stepmom's picture

Submitted by Great Mom but h... on Sat, 04/13/2013 - 1:08pm

You are overworked and overwhelmed. Not surprising that you feel depressed. It sounds like you are also feeling pretty powerless - again, not surprising you feel depressed.

I don't know if your husband genuinely feels he has been supporting you or if he is just saying that to get you off his back. From your text exchange it looks pretty 'dug-in' on both sides. I'm assuming counselling has been tried? If not, I would suggest it. If so, well......maybe the writing is on the wall.

Having my own financial resources has made me have an entirely different perspective on things. I know your children are young and that complicates things but if you can bring in half the household expenses a month it will give you a greater sense of control in your life.

It did for me. Counselling is great and it helps to guide along the road but it really is $ that makes the difference.

sunbeam0901's picture

Submitted by sunbeam0901 on Sat, 04/13/2013 - 1:15pm

I see a therapist once a week. She has been asking me if I'd like to bring DH in for a few couples sessions but I don't know if I'm ready for it. I can't ever talk to him about how I feel about things without an argument ensuing and I'm afraid that's all that will happen if I bring him to therapy with me. It may be time to do it anyway. I can't live like this.

sunbeam0901's picture

Submitted by sunbeam0901 on Sat, 04/13/2013 - 1:28pm

Thanks, Cheri. That actually sounds fantastic and reminded me of when I was a kid and we lived out in the country. We had this hideously ugly green outdoor couch/swing thing that was set under a group of trees. It was my all-time favorite place to lay down with a book and just enjoy the breeze and swing away for hours. I miss that & wish I could do it now. However, we live in a townhome in a big city so its just not the same. Sad

Onefootout's picture

Submitted by Onefootout on Sat, 04/13/2013 - 2:11pm

Yeah, you absolutely need to get away, alone or with your kids so you can get some perspective, or just get a break from the daily grind.

I bet your DH probably knows he hasn't been contributing, and is just being defensive and deflecting. Just a guess.

A lot of people on this site have been recommending the book, Boundaries, by Henry Cloud. So I started reading it, and the author talks about a woman who seems a lot like you, trying to do everything for everyone, getting little in return, and just getting completely drained. So far, I'm finding it interesting.

In the meantime, I would recommend being a little selfish and lazy for a change. I find the less I do for my SS, the less resentful I feel towards him. And if anyone complains, you know what to tell them.

I'm so sorry this is happening and I wish you the best, and whatever you decide, make sure you take care of yourself first. Big hug.

fedup13's picture

Submitted by fedup13 on Sat, 04/13/2013 - 2:57pm

Have you read The Five Love Languages? It has some pretty good info. It sounds to me like the two of you have totally different love languages, and those differences grow into bigger and bigger unresolved problems until you are ready to walk out. That, and like my DH and a lot of others, he is a typical selfish man who thinks he does not and should not have to be hands on at home and help once and a while. The comment you made about how he said he is there for you whether you know it or not, and your response is that he doesn't SHOW you, is the exact kind of issues the book talks about. I am sorry you feel so hopeless. I have been there more times than I can count.

RainbowsAndDaisies's picture

Submitted by RainbowsAndDaisies on Sat, 04/13/2013 - 8:02pm

The point is that you need time to yourself. Not who is blaming who for what. You have to find a new angle to approach the problem from so that you get a solution that fits your need. Be calm. Consider apologizing for blowing up out of the blue ( so it seems to him) and ask if he would be willing to talk to you over coffee about scheduling some regular you time into your hectic schedules.