SD and HOMEWORK??
SO DH had SD Thursday through Monday morning (today). That means that he had to do homework with her Thursday night for school Friday. Every week, SD has a literacy bag that is given on Friday's to be turned in the following Friday. Thats means they have 1 whole week to get everything done (A journal entry, worksheet, and reading at least 3 books from the bag). DH always at least makes SD read the books over the weekend that way during the week when she is at BM's she can take the 4 days and do the journal entry and the worksheet. Well Thursday night rolled around and SD hadn't done ANYTHING with her literacy bag since she had left the Sunday before! She has all week to do it and she hadn't touched it and it was due the next go. BM always does this when it is our Thursday to have SD. She doesn't make her do the work so that DH has to sit there with SD for hours to get it done! Not only did she not have any of the literacy bag done, she also had to write 3 out of 7 chapter summaries for another book and she had to study for a spelling test the naxt day. To put the cherry on top of all of it, SD said that she hadn't even looked over her spelling words all week because BM and Grammy were "too busy" to help her. SD even got defensive when DH pointed out that they should NEVER be too busy to help get her homewrok checked and done. She said "well mom IS going to school now dad!". IMO, homework should ALWAYS come before going out to dinner and playing and whatever other running around they do at BM's! There was even a note in her planner that she didn't get to have Friday activity because she hadn't completed a math worksheet earlier in the week and it took her 2 days to get it done and turned in.
Then the little shit lied about having her chapter summaries done Thursday night and got ANOTHER note home saying she was now 3 assignments behind after being told that she needed to get the work done. DH checked the chapter summaries and they looked complete and SD swore up and down that she had them done Thursday night. To top it all of she said "well I just forgot that I wasn't done". When asked where it was so she could get it done and turned in this morning, she said she left it at the school!!!!
I guess my question is, who is to blame for all of this? Is SD old enough to be able to remeber all of the work that needs done and to be able to get it all done without BM telling her to?? (she will be 8 in June) Or is BM to blame because she isn't keeping up with SD's homework and making sure it is all done and not just the night before it is due? DH always sits with her while she is doing her homework to make sure it is done and done correctly. This is the only time that she has turned something in after leaving our home that wasn't complete and we had never had to do the chapter summaries with her to know what needed to be in them or the book to look and see if it was done right, so it looked right to DH as far as he knew.
Last night DH made SD sit and read all of the books and do her entire literacy bag. Journal, worksheet, and even the extra credit worksheet. SD was pissed at DH and went to bed crying last night. I feel like she is old enought to have some responsibility in all of it, but I feel BM is the main one to blame for not making sure her work is getting done. Am I wrong??
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At almost 8 yes old she needs
At almost 8 yes old she needs to shoulder a large portion of the responsibility for getting her word done. Spelling words can be studied on her own....you don't need a parent for that. Yeah she needs a parents to test her on them...but the studying is on her.
She can also do her summaries without adult help the entire time. She can read without an adult sitting over her.
By second d grade the parent should just be spot checking her work to ensure that she doing it correctly and answering questions if she's confused about what to do....not holding her hand every moment.
I think I agree with you. BM
I think I agree with you. BM needs to be checking the work to make sure it is getting done though. To be getting in trouble with the teacher for not having assignments COMPLETED it unacceptable IMO. Even if it wasn't done correctly and it was at least DONE it would have counted for more then not doing it in the first place. She came last weekend and had to re-do a math paper because didn't show her work. Turns out that she used a calcualtor to do it. BM should have seen that and made SD show the work. They were subtracting 3 digit numbers for crying out loud. She had to borrow and there was NO way she was doing it in her head!
Yes, bm should be checking
Yes, bm should be checking her work for sure. But the fact that SD seems to not even care when she misses an assignment is really concerning. That's says to me that she is under the impression that it's not her responsibility to make sure she does her work. Dad needs to be stressing to her the important of her taking responsibility for her school work and getting it done. Personally, I would hand out consequences if she came to my house again on a Thursday and hadn't done a lick of school work all week. This late in the year she knows exactly what's expected of her, and should be getting it done.
That is why she was so mad at
That is why she was so mad at him. He kept telling her that she had to step up and take the responsibilty to get it done. He said that if she came next week with a bad report that she will be sitting in the house studying all weekend. Later when we were talking he said it will be like the sippy cup with her. Until SHE wants to stop doing what she is doing, she won't. Her mom sure in the hell won't make her. FYI - she drank from a sippy cup at BM's until she was 6 and DH pretty much shamed her out of doing it by telling her she was acting like a baby. We have harped on her for weeks now to step up her game, but our harping only goes so far with BM not backing it up.
Of course, you know the child
Of course, you know the child better than I do, so take this with a grain of salt, but I have an 8 year old too - and he has two older siblings very close in age.
This is young and they can't be expected to get it all right on their own. If BM is distracting her with other activities that are more fun: tv, playing outside, etc, - it will be difficult for SD to make a better decision regarding homework.
My kids go between houses and even though they pack up their baseball stuff and set it by the door, sometimes they will still walk out of the house without it. (Then they can't take part in practice, etc, etc). They eventually learn, but it will take time.
They also need to get consistent consequences - whether it be no reward for all homework complete or something harsher (though at this age, you really can't put the blame on the child for what is not being accomplished at the other parent's home).
^^^ "(though at this age, you
^^^ "(though at this age, you really can't put the blame on the child for what is not being accomplished at the other parent's home)"
That is where we are at. We really can't blame her completely, but she has to have consequences. She went to bed with no snack Sunday night and the threat of being grounded next weekend if her report wasn't different.
It's hard to teach them
It's hard to teach them responsibility and accountability at this age in an intact home and even harder when there are two homes and the parents are not in agreement.
You need to find out what motivates her: staying away from punishments (pain) or earning rewards (pleasure) and go with it.
And you don't want to always be the bad parents - dishing out punishments. Ideally, you'd like to be the one teaching her about how hard work gets rewards.
^^^ YES! I am tired of being
^^^ YES! I am tired of being the bad guy. I told her that if she passes and her grades improve by next January that she can play volleyball at the Y. She has wanted to do this for a while now.
Small Rural school in Ohio.
Small Rural school in Ohio. Yes, second grade. They don't have all of this homework every night. SD just waited until the last minute to get it done and had it all piled into one night.
No offense, but not being a
No offense, but not being a decent reader by that age is NOT saying much for her school...
I think that is a bit young
I think that is a bit young to expect her to do all of this on her own without supervision, especially if she is going between houses with different rules and priorities.
If BM is NOT going to check on HW, then you need to routinely do HW with SD - even the missing assignments, so that she is clear that it WILL get done. While you work on it with her, you can also help her understand how if she were take on more responsibility and do her homework on her own when she's at BM's then it will be easier. And then you can also set up a reward for her - get your homework done for a week and on Sat we'll do xyz. Start small. And then stretch the time out and increase the reward.
This is the time that she is developping her habits for the future and it takes help from the adults.
Is SD old enough to be able
Is SD old enough to be able to remember all of the work that needs done and to be able to get it all done without BM telling her to?? (she will be 8 in June)
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I don’t think she is old enough. Heck…I guess my kids were probably about 14-15 when I stopped asking EVERY night if they had home work.
Exactly. My three are all in
Exactly. My three are all in the habit of getting their work done now. But they are 12, 10 and 8. The 8 year old just fell in line because he wanted to be a big kid like his brother and sister.
The oldest has struggled but has finally just this year realized that it WILL get done and she will either do it on time and get credit for it in class or she will do it later and her grade will not be as good as it could have. The first time she saw all of the As and Bs she got on her report card simply because she consistently did her work, she was very proud and it all clicked.
My 10 year old is on the austism spectrum and he is a breeze! He loves his routine and knows that the sooner he completes his homework, the sooner he can get down to his "screen time". LOL.
But even my oldest two will need spot checks here and there so that they know I'm still paying attention. Their Dad also realizes the importance of homework and makes sure they do it as well, but we've done this since the beginning of our split when my oldest was only 5 and in kindergarden. So now, it's just standard routine.
We already do all of this.
We already do all of this. The problem is that BM does not. She is already close to failing second grade because of truency because her BM can't tell real sick from "fake" sick. I BM's attitude is "the school year is almost over and if she fails then she fails" and I think that she is passing that attitude on to SD. SD actually said Thursday night that since she already wasn't going to get Friday activity that she didn't have to finish all of her work. DH put a stop to that kind of thinking immediatley! But I think that is why she lied about having her summaries done. It is just frustrating to not have the same homework ethic on both sides.
Have you considered adjusting
Have you considered adjusting the custody agreement? Maybe she is with DH Sun - Fri mornings? It seems like it'd be easy to prove that BM doesn't get the kid to school, school work doesn't get completed on her days, etc.
That is our goal, but right
That is our goal, but right now DH works nights so we have to get his schedule adjusted first. It would be pointless to have her here during the week right now because he would never get to see her.